Punching pillows angry

Confession time... yesterday, for the first time, I got angry with God. Really angry. Punching pillows angry. Literally.

Last week was a very good week for me - emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually - all around a really good week. I had many 'good' days in a row. And of course my grief felt like suspense - waiting for when it would decide to rear it's ugly head and hit. Well of course it did... The past few days have not been the best, well obviously since I already mentioned my anger with God...

At church on Sunday we started a new series called "He's Still* Got the Whole World in His Hands" and it's about where God is in all of the uncertainty we face in our lives - pretty perfect for me, huh? Well it of course made me think of all of the uncertainty in my life and the difficulties I'm facing especially in regards to my dad's death and Hailey's passing as well as the uncertainty that comes along with being an army wife. The message reminded me that even in the most darkest hours of our lives God remains faithful and is there with us. Yes that truth is comforting. But lately it's only going so far... So the service was indeed what I needed but at the same time very difficult for me. I cried briefly in the car on the way home.

I think my 'bad' days have come as a result of me comparing myself to others -which I know I should not do. The Bible clearly teaches against envy and jealousy - but for some reason I am finding myself more and more envious of others. As much as I try not to be those things, it's so much easier said than done. As I've related before in my posts, it really seems as though pregnant women or women with newborns seem to be plaguing me. They are everywhere I go.

And this is probably where my seeds of anger began to grow with God...seeing all the moms and their babies in the stores...waiting in line behind a mother and her newborn daughter as they printed pictures at Wal-Mart and I waited to print pictures of Hailey - she had her daughter right there, and I didn't have mine...so many women in my life right now are pregnant or have newborns - I just can't avoid it - literally everywhere I go I am confronted with my loss in these ways. It feels unfair. It makes the pain raw. And it's frustrating that I can't deal with it better.

The other day in one of these situations I got in the car and I wanted to yell at God - what are you doing!? Why do you continually surround me with young mothers who are pregnant or with their newborns!? Why are you so blatantly putting me in these situations!? The Bible says you don't like when I hurt so why are you continually hurting me in this way!? Why ... why... why... Isn't it enough that I lost my daughter, isn't it enough that I lost my dad, isn't my grief in itself enough, why oh why do I need more hurt by being surrounded with mothers who are blessed enough to have their babies...

Yesterday I couldn't stop comparing myself to other women. To me, an outsider, a stranger - their lives looks perfect, like God has blessed them so much. And here I am. I feel like nothing next to these people.  They have all this good and I have all this bad. Why her? Why me?

So I am trapped in this ugly business of comparing myself to others...

Yesterday was a hard day. Today is better. I'm not turning my back on God. I know He is with me. I know His truths...but sometimes they're hard to accept. I know He loves me just as much as he loves those women that are blessed with their babies and everyone else. But I'm just not feeling it lately... I'm just not understanding it...

For those people out there who think that 'religion' and 'God' are just one of those things sad people clutch on to in an attempt to feel better or whatever it is that they believe - they clearly have no idea what they are talking about. Sometimes yes it is easy and comforting to have Faith...other times, it's extremely difficult...

I still and will always have my faith and my relationship with God. But sometimes, it's not easy. And God never said following Him would be easy - in fact much of the Bible points to the opposite - that following Him is hard. But regardless, He is God. He remains certain in my uncertainty.

So right now, I'm doing okay. Today is still a hard day ... I keep finding myself in situations where people ask me if I have kids... I'm still trying to figure out how to feel less awkward when I respond to that question... but I'm not angry with God today.

I know there is a reason for all of this - and God has revealed many many things to me through Hailey and her death (that is still the post I'm longing to write - but I need to find the right day and time to do it because it will be a long one). But right now, I'm struggling to find comfort and peace in the fact that God is here with me and that He does love me...

I guess that's the tough thing about faith - believing without seeing...struggling to find hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. The Lord just put this verse on my heart...very fitting.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1

So I guess if I had to sum it up - the hardest part about Hailey's loss and my grief right now is seeing other moms and babies and being envious of them - I need to learn how to see these things and be in those situations and not want to cry and not feel paralyzing heart break because I can't isolate myself from the world... but I don't know how that's going to happen...I've definitely reached an obstacle on my journey. But I'm keeping the faith, as hard as it is.  I think I'll memorize the verse above this week...