My boulevard of broken dreams...

I'm missing Hailey a lot today and the heartache feels as fresh as ever.

Today's blog post is another one that comes from me being honest and vulnerable and it reflects where my mind has been at today...so just a warning, this blog reflects where a lot of my grief comes from.

I titled my post 'boulevard of broken dreams' - not because I like the song - I actually hate that song and don't agree with anything in it, but that's another story - I titled it that because sometimes that's what I feel like I'm walking on, a boulevard of broken dreams.

One of the things that makes me hurt the most and brings me the most pain are my broken dreams.

My broken dreams...

I dreamed of spending the next 8 years or so as a stay-at-home mom, spending all of my time with Hailey, raising her, taking care of her, being the best mom I could be to her for her entire life.

I dreamed of bringing her everywhere with me.

I dreamed of her meeting all of our family and friends and taking her on trips...and using her little suitcase my aunt bought her.

I dreamed of using her Bjorn baby carrier on walks and trips out.

I dreamed of her sleeping in her crib in her room and using our video monitor.

I dreamed of watching her learn to crawl...of having to clean our floors more frequently so she didn't have to crawl admist the dirt and Opie hair all over... of watching her and Opie interact as she crawled...him lying there as she crawled all over him.

I dreamed of hearing her giggle...of her first word...what it might be.

I dreamed of her doing the wobbly walk of a toddler...watching her take her first steps...making sure I captured it on video.

I dreamed of her pulling Opie's tail for the first time and even hoped she would never stick her finger...well you know where...but thinking it would be hilarious if she did.

I dreamed of putting the little dress shoes I bought for her on her tiny feet.

I dreamed of dressing her in her "my daddy's in the army" clothes.

I dreamed of taking her on stroller rides and doing exercise classes for babies and moms.

I dreamed of baking with her and doing fun crafts with her.

I dreamed of putting her in her carseat and taking her shopping with me.

I dreamed of watching her play with her toys... and discovering Opie's toys.

I dreamed of making a bedtime routine with her; reading her a story, praying and teaching her how to pray, tucking her snug into her bed.

I dreamed of her coming into our room at night if she had a scary dream and comforting her.

I dreamed of Opie sneaking into her room and me finding them snuggling together.

I dreamed of what her favorite stuffed animal might be that she'd bring with her everywhere and keep with her forever.

I dreamed of teaching her about Jesus and raising her to know and love the Lord.

I dreamed of using her high chair and feeding her her first taste of baby food...or cheerios.

I dreamed of her playing outside and running and laughing.

I dreamed of her running to me and giving me a hug.

I dreamed of hearing her say "I love you" to me.

I dreamed of having her with me forever.

And I dreamed of a million more things that I just don't have the time or space to write...

And the hardest part of losing her is how badly I wanted my dreams to become a reality and how they are all broken now. And it's hard to watch other people do with their babies and children everything I ever dreamed of with Hailey...

If I wanted to analyze my grief...a lot of it is selfish. greedy. Josh and I decided right away that we valued 'quality over quantity' in terms of Hailey's life. She is better off in Heaven than here on Earth where she suffered, because there is nothing that could have made her better. I know that. I have comfort in her death because I know these things and I know she really is in a better place experiencing more joy and peace than I could ever imagine. So most of my mourning isn't wanting her back for her, but wanting her back for me ... so I don't have all of these broken dreams...