So I guess I just need to readjust my approach to her birthdays - because I want to note them and "celebrate" them. I don't want to forget or ignore, and I want other people to remember her (and us) on these days too.
So while we won't celebrate today with a cake or a cupcake on her head so we can call her 'cupcake-head' or sing "Happy Birthday" to her like we used to, I will take today to remember her. And I will try to conquer the sorrow and pain of missing her with the joy and warmth that comes in remembering her beautiful life...I think I'm going to have to watch some of our videos of her today, maybe watch the one where she sticks out her tongue a lot so she can make me laugh again...that would be nice.
I constantly talk with God throughout my day (side note - I remember how frustrated I used to be when I couldn't 'hear' God speaking to me and never really knew what people meant by that anyway...well now I know...and it's so cool. God has been speaking loud and clear to my heart since Hailey was born). This morning while out on a walk with my husband and dog, I was going through all of this in my head with God. And while I started to focus on the negatives in not being able to have her here as my 2 month old today and not being able to celebrate this milestone of her life... God told me I didn't need to celebrate her 2 month bday (because I can't). He told me to remember Hailey and celebrate the month and 5 days we had her. God reminded me that today I should remember her and the joys she brought us. Remember her and celebrate the short life she lived. So today is a day of remembrance, and if I really want something to celebrate, God challenged me to celebrate February 6, which will be 1 month since she's been gone. Kind of funny to celebrate the month 'anniversary' of her death...and definitely a challenge because that will be another difficult day, but I know why He wants me to do that... it marks her 1 month birthday in Heaven, with Him, where her life is eternal and perfect. I ended our morning conversation on our walk asking God if He would ever get tired of reminding me of these things. And He replied, Never.
Loving and remembering you today and always my 'munchy-kin' and asking God to wrap His arms a little tighter around me today.
Ok....I don't have quite the life experience that you do; I get my life experience by reading books and living vicariously through the characters. Have you read Anne's House of Dreams? In it, Anne has a baby who dies after only 1 day. She's really angry at first-at life, at God. She thinks that she won't recognize her baby when she gets to heaven because she never had a chance to grow and develop a personality and memories. But later on, Anne says, "I know now that Captain Jim was right when he said that God would manage better than that my baby would seem a stranger to me when I found her beyond... I've followed her development day by day and week by week. I always shall. I shall know just how she grows from year to year. And when I meet her again, I'll know her, she won't be a stranger." I think in Heaven, she is still growing and developing and taking advantage of all the things that she can do in Heaven now but couldn't do here. I was reading Anne's House of Dreams when Hailey left us, and when I got to that part I started crying because I really hoped it would be that way for you-that Hailey would continue to have a presence in your life that made you happy instead of sad, and that these milestones could continue to have significance in your life because Hailey's journey hasn't ended, and her life here and her life in Heaven should all be celebrated in whatever way gives you peace and comfort. Remember-there isn't a right way to do this. If baking a cupcake and lighting a little candle for her makes you happy today, it's ok to do it. If singing happy (heavenly) birthday or some other song on Feb 6 makes you happy, then sing as loud as you can! No one will forget Hailey :)
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