I went to a women's conference at our church today and heard this song for the first time ... and God sang to me...
"He is With You" Mandisa
There’s a time to live
And a time to die
There’s a time to laugh
And a time to cry
There’s a time for war
And a time for peace
There’s a hand to hold
In the worst of these
In the worst of these
He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can’t even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn’t kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby’s gone
And your house is still
And your heart’s a stone
Cryin’ God, what’d You do that for
He is with you
There’s a time for yes
And a time for no
There’s a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this
Through all of this
He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don’t know you anymore
He is with you in the ICU
When the doctors don’t know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you
We may weep for a time
But joy will come in the morning
The morning light...
When nothing else is left
And you take your final breath
He is with you
He is with you
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Me vs. My "Mountain"
Before I went on my little vacation from blogging, I was in the habit of writing about my FaithDares on Fridays - hence the titles "FaithDare Friday." I am still doing the FaithDares, but I am not going to commit to writing about them every Friday on my blog. Instead, I think I'm just going to share about what God is doing in my life through these FaithDares as I feel led to share. But if you want to keep up with the dares on your own, I highly recommend and even DARE you to do it! You can find them here.
As I've alluded to in my most recent posts, the past week or two have been pretty rough. I've tried to use that time to sort of turn inward and do a lot of self-examining, reflecting, praying, etc. I guess I sort of felt like a lot of issues in my life were really weighing me down. I was really struggling to stand up and not feel as though I was being buried by them.
Even though this has been one of the hardest times I've faced this year, I turned toward God knowing that even if I felt like everything was going wrong and feeling alone in various ways that I can always count on God. I prayed and prayed and clung to his promises. And usually doing those things helps me through the dark patches in life, but for some reason this time I wasn't feeling the same relief, and it became very frustrating for me. I didn't want to feel depressed or sad or down, but I did and I couldn't shake it. The reality of the situation is that many of the things weighing me down are things beyond my power and my control and can never be changed (such as losing Hailey and my dad). I knew that but my perspective was still wrong.
I saw my issues as a massive mountain standing in my way of having a "happy" life.
I knew I didn't have control over many of the issues making up my mountain, but I also knew with God all things are possible. I felt so overwhelmed by my lot in life that I didn't know how to pray other than to just be like, "God, *This* is what I'm dealing with. You know my problems better than I do. You know me better than I do. Please help me. I don't know what I need, but You do so please just help." And unfortunately praying like this was unsatisfying to me and became, like I said, frustrating. I realized in looking back that my prayers turned to cries for God to move my mountain. "Just move it, solve it, fix it, get it away from me God."
(Since I started the FaithDare and started challenging myself to spend more quality time in God's word and in prayer, I found that writing, handwriting, my thoughts, what I was learning, my prayers, and so on in a faith journal was an awesome tool that helps me have an awesome quiet time with the Lord.)
During my time alone with God on Wednesday, I wrote this in my faith journal: "Today I had a little epiphany from God. I have been sitting in the middle of my miseries sinking as I don't see a way for God to overcome or change them. I want him to fix me and make me happy...when I realized maybe he wants me waiting and trusting again. And instead of praying for myself to find happiness and feeling content with my lot that I need to change my prayers. Maybe I need to pray for things like strength to endure the troubles I'm facing and for peace of mind and heart as I trust God's promises and trust God with my life and that His plans are greater than mine. And suddenly with that realization, I feel a little more at peace...I think I've been asking and wanting God to remove my mountain instead of helping me over it."
For me my mountain has been mostly made of up facets of my grief, like envy. My feelings of envy and jealousy have torn me apart and led me to feeling depressed more times than not. In the past week or so I tried to turn inward and focus on myself, but it was so hard to do as I kept looking at everyone around me and feeling envious of their lives. Envious that God blessed them with a healthy baby. Envious that they live near their families. Envious that they have such great friends who continually encourage and support them through their grief. Envious of the smiles I saw on their faces. Envious of Facebook statuses boasting about the great thing happening in their lives. My envy just ate at me and ate at me, leaving me feeling so dissatisfied with my own life. Why am I the one whose baby died? Why am I the one whose dad died of cancer much too young and right after losing my baby? Why am I the one who lives so far away from family and friends? Why am I the one that constantly has to start life over? Why am I the one... *fill in the blank*...
And I didn't want to be like that but I couldn't help it. The Bible clearly teaches against and warns of the sin of envy, and I knew it and knew the truths of its effects:
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30
And just like I didn't want to feel any bit depressed, I didn't want to feel any bit of jealousy, but I just couldn't shake it. Again, I turned to prayer asking God to help me with my envy and helping me feel content with the life God has allowed for me to live. But at the same time I was like how can anyone be content with so much grief and loss and other stressors... And again, I kept taking the focus off of myself.
There wasn't any big turning point with this one, but just a gradual, constant reminder and answer from God that I slowly began to pick up on. It was like God was saying to me, "Who cares about them? What about you? Focus on your life, not in a selfish way, but on your attitude and actions because those you have control over. You can't control who lives or who dies or who supports you or who doesn't. But you can control yourself, and you need to focus on your life, and your life's purpose which is to follow me, serve me, bring me glory."
I was reminded of scripture from FaithDare #7: John 21:21-22:
When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?" Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."
To understand the whole picture you need to read the verses before, but I think this excerpt says a great deal on its own. I am so worried and consumed with everyone else. Instead of Peter, it's me saying, "Lord, what about her?" Jesus reminds me in his response to Peter that the business and lives of others is of no concern to me in the way that it has been. My business is following him: "Don't worry about anyone else, what they have that you don't, worry about your walk with me."
And can I just say, that this has all made me despise Facebook a little bit, which is why I'm not spending as much time on it as I have in the past. Why you ask? Because I find many people use their statuses (and I confess that I am guilty of doing this myself) for boasting and bragging about themselves and their lives. I fell into the trap of reading a boastful Facebook status of someone's and got caught feeling jealous and awful that I didn't have what they have... it fed my envy. So I am steering away from people who tend only to use their Facebook as a place for bragging about themselves and their wonderful lives, and I am trying to steer away from doing the same thing. I've decided that if I'm going to boast whether it be on Facebook or elsewhere, then I will boast in Christ alone:
Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1 Cor. 1:31 (Ref. Jeremiah 9:24).
So in light of the wisdom God is giving me, I am feeling a little better, more at peace and stronger emotionally. Each day I will decide to my live with purpose and continue to live my life for God praying that my actions reveal His love and glory. And I will try to find happiness and contentment in that. Is my life perfect? No way. Is there anything to be happy about? A lot of times no. But Is God perfect? Yes. Does God give me reasons to be happy? Yes, his love, his hope, his promises....
I've also been reminded me of the serenity prayer, which was something introduced to me by my dad a very long time ago that I seem to have forgotten as of late:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
And to be honest, when I searched for the exact wording of it to write here, this was the first time I've read it in its entirety (I'm used to the first 4 infamous lines), but I have to say... the rest of the poem really speaks to me right now too. So that's where I am lately with my faith and my life. I've stopped staring at the looming mountain in front of me trying to push it away myself and I've stopped begging God to move it. Instead, I'm making the hard journey up the mountain, but thankfully I have God as my helper.
As I've alluded to in my most recent posts, the past week or two have been pretty rough. I've tried to use that time to sort of turn inward and do a lot of self-examining, reflecting, praying, etc. I guess I sort of felt like a lot of issues in my life were really weighing me down. I was really struggling to stand up and not feel as though I was being buried by them.
Even though this has been one of the hardest times I've faced this year, I turned toward God knowing that even if I felt like everything was going wrong and feeling alone in various ways that I can always count on God. I prayed and prayed and clung to his promises. And usually doing those things helps me through the dark patches in life, but for some reason this time I wasn't feeling the same relief, and it became very frustrating for me. I didn't want to feel depressed or sad or down, but I did and I couldn't shake it. The reality of the situation is that many of the things weighing me down are things beyond my power and my control and can never be changed (such as losing Hailey and my dad). I knew that but my perspective was still wrong.
I saw my issues as a massive mountain standing in my way of having a "happy" life.
I knew I didn't have control over many of the issues making up my mountain, but I also knew with God all things are possible. I felt so overwhelmed by my lot in life that I didn't know how to pray other than to just be like, "God, *This* is what I'm dealing with. You know my problems better than I do. You know me better than I do. Please help me. I don't know what I need, but You do so please just help." And unfortunately praying like this was unsatisfying to me and became, like I said, frustrating. I realized in looking back that my prayers turned to cries for God to move my mountain. "Just move it, solve it, fix it, get it away from me God."
(Since I started the FaithDare and started challenging myself to spend more quality time in God's word and in prayer, I found that writing, handwriting, my thoughts, what I was learning, my prayers, and so on in a faith journal was an awesome tool that helps me have an awesome quiet time with the Lord.)
During my time alone with God on Wednesday, I wrote this in my faith journal: "Today I had a little epiphany from God. I have been sitting in the middle of my miseries sinking as I don't see a way for God to overcome or change them. I want him to fix me and make me happy...when I realized maybe he wants me waiting and trusting again. And instead of praying for myself to find happiness and feeling content with my lot that I need to change my prayers. Maybe I need to pray for things like strength to endure the troubles I'm facing and for peace of mind and heart as I trust God's promises and trust God with my life and that His plans are greater than mine. And suddenly with that realization, I feel a little more at peace...I think I've been asking and wanting God to remove my mountain instead of helping me over it."
For me my mountain has been mostly made of up facets of my grief, like envy. My feelings of envy and jealousy have torn me apart and led me to feeling depressed more times than not. In the past week or so I tried to turn inward and focus on myself, but it was so hard to do as I kept looking at everyone around me and feeling envious of their lives. Envious that God blessed them with a healthy baby. Envious that they live near their families. Envious that they have such great friends who continually encourage and support them through their grief. Envious of the smiles I saw on their faces. Envious of Facebook statuses boasting about the great thing happening in their lives. My envy just ate at me and ate at me, leaving me feeling so dissatisfied with my own life. Why am I the one whose baby died? Why am I the one whose dad died of cancer much too young and right after losing my baby? Why am I the one who lives so far away from family and friends? Why am I the one that constantly has to start life over? Why am I the one... *fill in the blank*...
And I didn't want to be like that but I couldn't help it. The Bible clearly teaches against and warns of the sin of envy, and I knew it and knew the truths of its effects:
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30
And just like I didn't want to feel any bit depressed, I didn't want to feel any bit of jealousy, but I just couldn't shake it. Again, I turned to prayer asking God to help me with my envy and helping me feel content with the life God has allowed for me to live. But at the same time I was like how can anyone be content with so much grief and loss and other stressors... And again, I kept taking the focus off of myself.
There wasn't any big turning point with this one, but just a gradual, constant reminder and answer from God that I slowly began to pick up on. It was like God was saying to me, "Who cares about them? What about you? Focus on your life, not in a selfish way, but on your attitude and actions because those you have control over. You can't control who lives or who dies or who supports you or who doesn't. But you can control yourself, and you need to focus on your life, and your life's purpose which is to follow me, serve me, bring me glory."
I was reminded of scripture from FaithDare #7: John 21:21-22:
When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?" Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."
To understand the whole picture you need to read the verses before, but I think this excerpt says a great deal on its own. I am so worried and consumed with everyone else. Instead of Peter, it's me saying, "Lord, what about her?" Jesus reminds me in his response to Peter that the business and lives of others is of no concern to me in the way that it has been. My business is following him: "Don't worry about anyone else, what they have that you don't, worry about your walk with me."
And can I just say, that this has all made me despise Facebook a little bit, which is why I'm not spending as much time on it as I have in the past. Why you ask? Because I find many people use their statuses (and I confess that I am guilty of doing this myself) for boasting and bragging about themselves and their lives. I fell into the trap of reading a boastful Facebook status of someone's and got caught feeling jealous and awful that I didn't have what they have... it fed my envy. So I am steering away from people who tend only to use their Facebook as a place for bragging about themselves and their wonderful lives, and I am trying to steer away from doing the same thing. I've decided that if I'm going to boast whether it be on Facebook or elsewhere, then I will boast in Christ alone:
Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1 Cor. 1:31 (Ref. Jeremiah 9:24).
So in light of the wisdom God is giving me, I am feeling a little better, more at peace and stronger emotionally. Each day I will decide to my live with purpose and continue to live my life for God praying that my actions reveal His love and glory. And I will try to find happiness and contentment in that. Is my life perfect? No way. Is there anything to be happy about? A lot of times no. But Is God perfect? Yes. Does God give me reasons to be happy? Yes, his love, his hope, his promises....
I've also been reminded me of the serenity prayer, which was something introduced to me by my dad a very long time ago that I seem to have forgotten as of late:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
And to be honest, when I searched for the exact wording of it to write here, this was the first time I've read it in its entirety (I'm used to the first 4 infamous lines), but I have to say... the rest of the poem really speaks to me right now too. So that's where I am lately with my faith and my life. I've stopped staring at the looming mountain in front of me trying to push it away myself and I've stopped begging God to move it. Instead, I'm making the hard journey up the mountain, but thankfully I have God as my helper.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
"I Will Carry You" Final Thoughts
I didn't anticipate it being this long between blog posts again. Sorry readers! Since I started blogging, I've been used to blogging 4-5 times a week, but for some reason lately I've been feeling a greater need to step away from my blog for longer periods of time and just spend more time with the Lord. I think it goes back to what I wrote in my last post: I can't write until I feel somewhat at peace in my heart and in my head, and this past week has been a rough one if I'm going to be honest. I'm not going to get into that right now though. For now, I would like to finish what I started writing about last Saturday, which is the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. (If you haven't read that post, you might want to start there before continuing on.)
So I finished Angie's book on Sunday. I read it all in one weekend. I found her book to be one of the best and most honestly written books on the loss of an infant. I really would say it's the best of the best that's out there in Christian fiction on grief.
However, it really surprised me that this was by far the hardest book I have read since losing Hailey. While there were some other issues I was dealing with in my life last weekend that could have contributed to the difficulty I found in reading it, I really think the book would have been a difficult read even if I weren't taking those other 'issues' into consideration.
Reading her book truly made me feel like I was reading my own words, except she expresses herself much better than I can and at times I felt like she was expressing things that I had longed to express myself but couldn't figure out how to do so. And while that is awesome for a writer to write like that, it was really hard for me as the reader. Reading the book, her thoughts, her emotions, her memories, her experiences, made me feel like I had just buried Hailey a day ago. I mean it brought back all of my own thoughts, emotions, memories, and experiences and made it all feel brand new, sort of like it was happening all over again. I don't know why, but I wasn't prepared to be taken back to that place when reading her book. I guess in retrospect I should have anticipated it, after all, I knew what I was going to be reading about...
But feeling the 'freshness' of my grief and losing Hailey was a little unbearable for me. I felt like I had come so far in my grief journey and was doing so well - not like I was over it or anything as I am clearly aware that grief to me seems a bit like a roller coaster or a vary windy road - but I didn't expect 'this,' feeling like I was back at square one, when I was learning Hailey was going to die, making burial arrangements, etc. And honestly, I didn't expect it, and I just couldn't handle it. I broke down into a sobbing mess a lot last weekend. And I think the grief has kind of carried itself with me throughout this week, but it's getting a little better with each passing day.
So when I first started reading the book, I was marking and highlighting places I wanted to write about on my blog, but I don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon. I need to distance myself a little from the text I think since it evoked such a strong emotional, grieving response for me.
But all in all, it really is a great book on grief and the loss of an infant and offers a lot of Biblical insights, and I would strongly recommend for others to read it. However, from my experience, I just have to caution anyone planning on reading it to be prepared for it to evoke some potentially strong grieving emotions and have lots of Kleenex next to you while you read.
So I finished Angie's book on Sunday. I read it all in one weekend. I found her book to be one of the best and most honestly written books on the loss of an infant. I really would say it's the best of the best that's out there in Christian fiction on grief.
However, it really surprised me that this was by far the hardest book I have read since losing Hailey. While there were some other issues I was dealing with in my life last weekend that could have contributed to the difficulty I found in reading it, I really think the book would have been a difficult read even if I weren't taking those other 'issues' into consideration.
Reading her book truly made me feel like I was reading my own words, except she expresses herself much better than I can and at times I felt like she was expressing things that I had longed to express myself but couldn't figure out how to do so. And while that is awesome for a writer to write like that, it was really hard for me as the reader. Reading the book, her thoughts, her emotions, her memories, her experiences, made me feel like I had just buried Hailey a day ago. I mean it brought back all of my own thoughts, emotions, memories, and experiences and made it all feel brand new, sort of like it was happening all over again. I don't know why, but I wasn't prepared to be taken back to that place when reading her book. I guess in retrospect I should have anticipated it, after all, I knew what I was going to be reading about...
But feeling the 'freshness' of my grief and losing Hailey was a little unbearable for me. I felt like I had come so far in my grief journey and was doing so well - not like I was over it or anything as I am clearly aware that grief to me seems a bit like a roller coaster or a vary windy road - but I didn't expect 'this,' feeling like I was back at square one, when I was learning Hailey was going to die, making burial arrangements, etc. And honestly, I didn't expect it, and I just couldn't handle it. I broke down into a sobbing mess a lot last weekend. And I think the grief has kind of carried itself with me throughout this week, but it's getting a little better with each passing day.
So when I first started reading the book, I was marking and highlighting places I wanted to write about on my blog, but I don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon. I need to distance myself a little from the text I think since it evoked such a strong emotional, grieving response for me.
But all in all, it really is a great book on grief and the loss of an infant and offers a lot of Biblical insights, and I would strongly recommend for others to read it. However, from my experience, I just have to caution anyone planning on reading it to be prepared for it to evoke some potentially strong grieving emotions and have lots of Kleenex next to you while you read.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I Dreamt of Her Again...
I can't tell you how long it's been since Hailey has visited me in my dreams. Well, actually... I probably can...hold on a minute and let me check my blog posts...My last dream of her was mentioned in a post on July 25th.
Saturday night I dreamt of her again. Which means that it's been almost a month, although it feels like longer...
The dream was rather strange, very quick, but beyond perfect and absolutely wonderful.
In the hazy, vagueness that dreams sometimes are, I approached a shopping cart. Where I was, what I was doing, I couldn't say. I was just there with a shopping cart. Yes, I'll say it again, a shopping cart, like one from Target. (I picked Target because I want to say the cart was red, but I can't be sure... you know how dreams are). As I walked up to the cart I saw two beautiful baby girls sitting next to each other in the seat. I remember the baby on the left was a healthy, 'perfect' baby, but that's all I remember. I didn't look at her. It was like I just knew that to be true. Instead, I walked closer and focused on the baby sitting to the right. The unspoken truth in the dream was that this baby was not 'perfect.' I looked at the baby's eyes. They reminded me of Hailey. You see this baby was much older than Hailey was when she passed away. This baby was chubby and sitting upright on her own in the seat in the cart. This baby had longer brown hair, and I think she had some baby bangs. This baby was clearly over 6 months old... maybe this baby was as old as Hailey would have been right now...
In my head - in my dream - I wondered if it was Hailey. But within an instant of looking at her eyes, I realized that without a doubt it was her. I walked up to her within touching distance, but not touching, and just looked at her not believing I was really seeing her. It was one of those dreams where it seemed completely real. And in my dream, I remember wondering if it was a dream and realizing that it was. Something told me to soak up what I was seeing and treasure every minute of the perfection and false reality of the moment with Hailey because it was only a dream, and then before I knew it I woke up. (Anyone else thinking Inception here? j/k... but I did think about movie a lot as I wrote this!).
I woke up disappointed that it was only a dream, but completely warmed and feeling satisfied in my heart for having felt like God had given me a glimpse of my baby girl.
And actually the more I think about my dream of her as I write this, I am realizing that the image I saw of Hailey in my dream is very reminiscent of a picture of me when I was little. Interesting... I might have to go find that picture of me.
Saturday night I dreamt of her again. Which means that it's been almost a month, although it feels like longer...
The dream was rather strange, very quick, but beyond perfect and absolutely wonderful.
In the hazy, vagueness that dreams sometimes are, I approached a shopping cart. Where I was, what I was doing, I couldn't say. I was just there with a shopping cart. Yes, I'll say it again, a shopping cart, like one from Target. (I picked Target because I want to say the cart was red, but I can't be sure... you know how dreams are). As I walked up to the cart I saw two beautiful baby girls sitting next to each other in the seat. I remember the baby on the left was a healthy, 'perfect' baby, but that's all I remember. I didn't look at her. It was like I just knew that to be true. Instead, I walked closer and focused on the baby sitting to the right. The unspoken truth in the dream was that this baby was not 'perfect.' I looked at the baby's eyes. They reminded me of Hailey. You see this baby was much older than Hailey was when she passed away. This baby was chubby and sitting upright on her own in the seat in the cart. This baby had longer brown hair, and I think she had some baby bangs. This baby was clearly over 6 months old... maybe this baby was as old as Hailey would have been right now...
In my head - in my dream - I wondered if it was Hailey. But within an instant of looking at her eyes, I realized that without a doubt it was her. I walked up to her within touching distance, but not touching, and just looked at her not believing I was really seeing her. It was one of those dreams where it seemed completely real. And in my dream, I remember wondering if it was a dream and realizing that it was. Something told me to soak up what I was seeing and treasure every minute of the perfection and false reality of the moment with Hailey because it was only a dream, and then before I knew it I woke up. (Anyone else thinking Inception here? j/k... but I did think about movie a lot as I wrote this!).
I woke up disappointed that it was only a dream, but completely warmed and feeling satisfied in my heart for having felt like God had given me a glimpse of my baby girl.
And actually the more I think about my dream of her as I write this, I am realizing that the image I saw of Hailey in my dream is very reminiscent of a picture of me when I was little. Interesting... I might have to go find that picture of me.
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