Isaac & Hailey

(Written Sunday night)

Well life continues on... And my blogging continues to fall behind. Finding time to sit down at my computer and write is nearly impossible, heck holding onto a thought long enough to write it down is nearly impossible these days since I've become so scatter brained. But I miss blogging a lot so right now let me share with you how I am writing this ...

I am trying to put Isaac to sleep so he is in my left arm being supported by my boppy while I rock him and hold his paci in his mouth with my right hand so that leaves my left hand free... Therefore in writing this by holding my phone in my hand and typing it with my thumb, which is now actually beginning to cramp...

But anyway. Our new family is doing well. Isaac is no longer so fussy or crying inconsolably from pain since we're now dealing with his reflux and food allergies. We continue to learn about each other and what he likes and dislikes. The only issue we're tackling is his lack of sleep and just not being a good sleeper. But we are all functioning well and starting to get out of the house more and more little by little so that feels good.

Today Isaac turned 7 weeks old. I'm absolutely in love with his smiles and giggles and baby talk. He enjoys his bouncy chair and play gym. He likes to look in mirrors a lot. He's finally starting to grab onto things. Last night he took his first bottle of breastmilk from his dad and did awesome (although it made me a little sad). He's learning and growing so fast. I love it! I rejoice in him every day and try to pour on as much love and care as I can... In fact sometimes I feel myself giving him a double dose of love for him and his sissy in heaven (if that's possible or makes sense).

He's still and will forever be my dream come true... My rainbow baby as some baby lost mothers would say... There continue to be times where he feels too good to be true...

I can really send his birth announcements? I can really decorate his nursery? I can really take him to the store with me? I can really buy him bigger clothes because he continues to grow? I can really buy him toys because he's learning skills that enable to play with them?

I can go on and on... Asking myself those questions and answering affirmatively feels so amazing and brings so much joy I can't describe it. I am so thankful for it.

The best moment came a few weeks ago when we took our first trip to Babies R Us post pregnancy with him. That was the first time it sank in that I did indeed have a baby to buy for. I could buy those cute little baby Nikes I just sawed and oohed and aahed over if I wanted to for him. I could buy all the outfits that are just too cute and adorable instead of just admiring and hoping. I finally can fulfill many of my dreams and that day I was just giddy with delight in the store. I love it. I love him. And those are such understatements.

But I continue to miss his sister in different ways now as we do life with him...

The other night as I rocked him to sleep I thought of her but I couldn't picture her. I sat looking at Isaac thinking of how he reminds me of her and suddenly I couldn't separate them. Then I couldn't picture her. I was forgetting what she looked like, what she sounded like ... It was as though my present with Isaac was wiping away or replacing my past memories of her... And I began to softly weep... I couldn't picture her. I tried to think back to a specific memory and imagine her face and couldn't. I started to grieve harder and harder in that moment. The ache of missing her gained back its intensity, and I did all I could do which was sit there and rock my baby boy in the night and look at the pictures of Hailey from the Facebook album on my phone... I needed to see her and I couldn't do it on my own. So I sat looking at many pictures of her but honestly found myself skipping a lot because I couldn't bear to remember some of the memories... Eventually the tears stopped as they always do, but the void she left forever remains.

We quickly approach her second birthday and while more and more time passes, we continue to grieve and will every day for the rest of our lives... But the hard thing remains feeling alone in it as everyone else goes on without her.

I want to do another large delivery for Hailey's Hope on her birthday like I did last year but I'm having trouble fundraising and getting support. This year her birthday delivery will be special because Isaac will be there. He will start to learn about his sissy and see the hospital she was in. But it will be extra emotional having him there... So I'm going to start praying now that her birthday delivery will be everything I hope and that we will be able to celebrate her life like I want to.

Can I Keep You?

(Disclaimer: Sad Post)

Today is a significant day and because of that I'm making it a priority to write this post. Yes today is significant because it's the 10 year anniversary of September 11th, but I am not going to write about that.

Today Isaac is 5 weeks old. Not as significant as his one month birthday this past week, which I wanted to write a post on but didn't have the time for of course, but today his being 5 weeks old is significant to my heart because of his sister.

I remember back to the day Hailey turned 5 weeks old, and what I didn't know then that I know now is that it would be our last day with her. We would wake up the next day, Hailey being 5 weeks 1 day old and find that she had passed away some time while we were sleeping that morning.

Every time I hold him I think of her. Today every time I hold him, I can't help but put him in Hailey's place... I can't help but imagine that today would be our last day with him. Of course, I can't go to that place of thought for long otherwise I would become much too depressed today. But nonetheless, today I remember Hailey as I look at Isaac and as I look at Isaac I pray that today would not be our last with him and that we would have many many many more to come.

There have been many times over the past few weeks where I can't help but be afraid to lose him too, where I can't help but look lovingly upon him and think he's too good to be true. I literally ask Isaac, "Can I keep you?" and I ask God, "Can I keep him?"

The week before last, when I was still being extremely sleep deprived, any time I had a minute of shut eye, I would dream some crazy dreams. One night in the very early hours of the morning, Isaac had fallen asleep finally and so it was my turn. Unfortunately, I would rather not have fallen asleep. I dreamed the worst nightmare I had ever dreamed before. And one of the most horrible things about it was that like all of my sleep deprived dreams it was entirely too realistic and often based on something that was really happening that day. So this dream was not only horrific but felt extremely real and was occurring as though it was happening in real time.

In my nightmare, I awoke to find Isaac with his eyes closed and limp, thinking he was finally in a deep sleep only to realize he in fact wasn't breathing... and he had died in his sleep. Without going into all the details that followed in my dream because they are too graphic and sad, in my nightmare I essentially went through all the motions and emotions that I went through the day Hailey died. I awoke from my dream crying which turned into a hysterical cry because it felt so real, and my emotions were extremely real. Thankfully it was time for me to nurse Isaac so I was able to kiss and cuddle him and be assured that he was okay. While I nursed him I prayed against continued bad dreams; however, the next time I was able to fall asleep that morning my nightmare picked up right where it left off, and I was dreaming about planning his funeral...

I wonder if these types of nightmares are something other parents experience who have lost a child and go on to have a healthy child or already do have other living children...

So today, remembering that the last day I spent with Hailey was when she was 5 weeks old which is how old Isaac is today, I'm a little saddened of course, but more so I'm trying to use the remembrance to embrace and love on Isaac and others since we never know when that last day may come.

Hopefully next time I have a chance to write I can write a more upbeat post about Isaac and our life together like I've been wanting to. Until then, as you remember and never forget September 11th, let that day and this post and our experience with our daughter remind you to do the same: embrace and love on the people in your life because you never know when it will be your last day to do so...

 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Isaac, 1 Month

Dear Isaac,

You are a month old today! It's so hard to believe how quickly the time has gone by already. I thought I'd write you a little note to tell you a little bit about you and our life together so far.

First of all, I love you to pieces, and you bring me so much joy.

You are quite the strong little fellow. We've been trying tummy time lately, but you don't seem to like it too much yet although you can lift your head and turn it fairly well. You have pretty much outgrown your newborn outfits - those that we still have you wearing are a wee bit too tight so for the most part you have graduated to your 3 month outfits. At your latest trip to the pediatrician you weighed 9lbs 12 oz. You've been to the pediatrician on several occasions, once for your check up at a few days old, once for your 2 week check up where you received your first vaccine, once not too long after to see what was going on with your extreme fussiness at which point we figured you were probably intolerant to mommy eating dairy and egg products, and the last time was in regards to your fussiness as well at which point we were wondering if you had a little bit of acid reflux so we decided to try you on some medicine to see if it helps you for that. You've also seen a chiropractor twice in hopes that would help you would feel better too. Trust me, mommy and daddy have done everything we can to make you a happier baby.

You've been quite the challenge for mommy and daddy to figure out, but we continue to learn about you and your needs and what you're signaling to us. You spent more time than I'd like to say crying and fussing and not sleeping, which again we eventually attributed to tummy problems (so we put you on gas relief drops), dairy/ egg intolerance (so mommy cut those out of her diet), and possibly reflux (so we put you on some medicine like I mentioned and started putting you to sleep in a special inclined chair or in your swing which is also on an incline). Some days you would be awake for 7 hours straight and barely sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time. Those days made mommy very sleep deprived.

Thankfully we've been making progress together. You sleep an average of 12 hours a day (which is on the low end for how much most babies typically sleep) and you sleep anywhere from 1-3 hours at a time - leaving mommy still sleep deprived but not as much. It's possible that you just don't sleep a lot, but it's more likely that you have trouble calming yourself and soothing yourself to sleep. You tend to fall asleep nursing, and I continue to rock you for about 20 minutes until you're into your deep sleep before I put you down. You love being held, walked around in someone's arms, rocked in someone's arms, and rocked in the rocking chair. Sometimes when you're fussing you like to be put on my shoulder and just hang out there resting for a bit. Sometimes mommy would sing you lullabies or various worship songs. I sing you that mockingbird song and you are my sunshine a lot - so glad you can't critique my awful voice yet - I wonder how long until you tell me you can stand my singing! For a long time you were very upset any time you were awake and not in someone's arms, which made life a little difficult when mommy was by herself taking care of you. We also gave you a pacifier once it was clear you had taken to nursing well. Mommy was very nervous to give you a paci, but we did and that has helped you a lot too - you love to suck on it and it helps kick in your calming reflexes.

As far as bath time is concerned, you love it. We take family baths together in the big tub. One of us is with you in the bath and holds you while the other washes you.

Recently things have been going better (probably because Grandma Cetty came to help). You seem to be more on a schedule but not quite. You tend to sleep for about 1-3 hours, wake up for a changing, nurse (maybe have a burp or change mid-way through), and fall asleep nursing. During the day you tend to have one or two wide awake periods that can last a few hours (sometimes you stay awake too long and then get crabby because you're over tired). Recently you started liking your bouncing seat more and don't mind being put down to be played with instead of being in someone's arms.

 

Comparing

As was to be expected, I don't have as much time to devote to my blog these days so I can't write as often as I'd like. However, on our good days when Isaac is sleeping and has allowed me to see a reasonable amount of sleep (like today!), I will try to write if I can.

Isaac is about two and a half weeks old now. We are still working on settling into a routine. Unfortunately he doesn't follow the schedule of sleeping 14-18 hrs a day for 2-3 hrs at a time like most newborns, and when he is awake he has some extreme bouts of fussiness which are related to some tummy/ allergy issues he has on top of the normal-newborn-baby-adjusting-to-the-world-issues. Thankfully, not every day is a rough one, and the "happy" days are treasured and help us recover from the long and tiring ones. But no matter how "rough" life seems with him, I always know it's really not that bad. I have "really bad" to compare it too. In fact, I find myself comparing Isaac to Hailey often.

During the days and nights when I'm running on a few hours total of sleep, feeling sleep deprived and at my wits end with trying to console Isaac by rocking him for what seems like hours at time, my initial reaction is to be frustrated and upset and wanting my free time back... But then I remember it could be worse and to be thankful for what I have. I become thankful that he is here with me and suddenly what was a frustrating and seemed like a "bad" moment becomes one I want to freeze and remain in forever... The moment where I am rocking him in my arms, held close to my chest where I can cover him in kisses and breathe in his smell and where I can stare at him endlessly and play with his tiny toes... And ultimately I am reminded that he is safe and healthy and at home, and I correct my emotions to ones of gratitude.

However, those "rough" moments Isaac has, which thankfully are becoming less and less, have been extra sensitive for me. While I remind myself of what I just wrote above, I realize why it is so difficult for me sometimes to handle some of his cries - the cries that are more like blood curdling screams, where his face turns red, where he arches his back, where he tries to signal to me that he's in pain and not just fussing. It's because he reminds me of his sissy, and my heart breaks, for both of them. Hailey had her moments of crying the same way. The inconsolable crying of pain which involves the entire body going stiff and rigid. Her pain that we couldn't take away. Her pain that we couldn't solve or fix. Her pain that made and still makes my heart break. And when Isaac does the same, he's so much like her. So my heart breaks for her and the pain we couldn't take away, and my heart breaks for Isaac because as his momma I just want to take his pain away and fix it, but again, I don't know how.

Sometimes he looks so much like her I can hardly believe it.  His little round face, his little eyes, his little mouth, his soft hair that's extra long in back... They are hers... The reminder of her makes my heart happy and sad at the same time.

Sometimes when he's sleeping he looks like her when she'd sleep, especially when he falls asleep with his mouth open because that's how she always slept... At first I found myself checking on him often when he was asleep... in all honesty checking to make sure he was still breathing... that was something that was difficult and I hadn't expected to experience, but it's no wonder I did after losing Hailey in her sleep. I have to remind myself even when I see him sleeping so peaceful and still as his sissy would, he is not her... but I still check.

I started to tell him about his sister the other day. Tears started to come to my eyes as I realized that some day he will start to make sense of the stories we tell him about her. Some day he will learn his sissy died. Some day he will visit her grave and understand what it means. Those thoughts break my heart, for me, for him.

There are many days when life feels near perfection since Isaac has been home with us. Days where my heart bursts with love over our little family. But on those days, I especially miss Hailey because the truth is our family is incomplete without her.

Not having her here makes some days feel strange, like Isaac is our first child, not our second... But the reality is he will be the first in many ways. Somehow I will need to come to terms with that since that makes it easy to for Hailey to be overlooked or forgotten.

It's astonishing to me how different Isaac's entrance into the world and life has been in comparison to Hailey's. His really seemed so perfect and beyond my wildest dreams, full of nothing but joy while hers was... well as I've written about many times before, traumatic. Those first hours and days with Isaac were heavenly, quiet, peaceful, where we were free to live and love and time didn't matter. I never knew giving birth could be such a wonderful experience... Having experienced it this time made the experience with Hailey that much more difficult to think back on. When going through the experience with Hailey we had nothing to compare it too, but in and of itself, it was... again, traumatic, but now to compare it to how good things can be that so many others get to experience... it made me feel ... almost 'robbed' (for lack of a better word) with Hailey... This time I didn't imagine what we missed out on with her, I lived it and experienced it firsthand. I saw how good "it" could be and how bad it was with her. And it broke my heart to know what she, and we, missed out on.

At the same time, her situation cannot be changed, but can only be learned from and used for good. So I am thankful for the experience because it has made me sensitive to a world I hadn't known existed, that of the NICU and the babylost parents. And more importantly, it has made me more appreciative for what we have with Isaac. All the things most parents take for granted, I know I never will.  I will always have a reason to be thankful and rejoice even in what seems to be the difficult moments.

So while we  deal with dirty diapers, spit up, getting peed on, crying, fussiness, lack of sleep, and the normal baby life that can have it's moments of frustration with new parents, I am so very thankful for them and wouldn't have life any other way. I will change the way I eat, I will function on no sleep, I will rock him for hours on end, I will do it all with a grateful heart because I'm doing it at all. Because I know it could be worse. I know what it's like to call a NICU a home, I know what it's like to have the opportunity to sleep a full eight hours a night because of visiting hours and being sent "home" to a Ronald McDonald House, I know what it's like to have a crying baby and not be able to hold her, I know what it's like to have an IV "nourishing" my child instead of me, I know what it's like to pray for a dirty diaper and rejoice when one comes and cry when it doesn't, I know what it's like to watch my child sleep because I'm praying that her breathing doesn't stop, I know what it's like to listen to beeps and alarms instead of lullabies and soothing sounds...

With all that said, a lot of my thoughts and emotions related to Isaac and Hailey still go unmentioned as I've only skimmed the surface of most... and I'm sure it's just the beginning. All I know is that I love both my babies with all my heart, and not having one here makes me love and appreciate every second I have with the other that much more.