If not for Hailey, I wouldn't go back

This week I've found myself looking at pictures from a year ago. Pictures of Hailey and us in the NICU and at The Children's Hospital. Each day I find a picture taken exactly one year ago from whatever day it is that I'm looking. Today I'm looking at pictures from December 8, 2009. They are pictures of us celebrating Hailey's 1 week birthday.

I've anticipated this Christmas season to be a difficult one because of not having Hailey (and my dad) with us. I especially thought this time of year might be extra hard because Hailey's birthday and the day she passed away surround Christmas.

However, as I'm in the midst of the Christmas season now, my grief and my feelings don't seem all that different than they normally are... My sorrows haven't increased or strengthened as I thought they might. In fact, I find myself enjoying and taking much pleasure in the season.

With the almost record low temperatures here in Alabama, the cold weather has led us to enjoy several nights snuggled up in warm blankets with a fire burning in the fireplace and sipping on cups of hot cocoa and tea. I've enjoyed watching the twinkling Christmas lights on the neighbors' houses, the snow falling today (!), Christmas shopping, the few festive decorations we have up, listening to Christmas songs whenever I can, watching Christmas movies on TV, and baking Christmas cookies. I'm looking forward to spending this Christmas with both of our families and some friends back in Illinois. I'm looking forward to continued Christmas traditions with them, family parties, gift-giving, Christmas eve service at church, playing in 'real' snow, and everything else that comes along with us spending Christmas with our families like we used to.

Right now I feel like I am truly enjoying myself this Christmas season. Of course I miss Hailey and wish she were with us, and I'm sure as it gets closer to Christmas day, it may become harder.

But the strange thing is, and I never thought I'd say it, but I almost want to say I prefer this Christmas season to last. The only thing good about last Christmas was that Hailey was with us. As I look back at all the pictures from last year and think about what I was doing a year ago, the only thing I miss is Hailey. Other than that, I don't miss anything, and I wouldn't want to go back.

A year ago, I was celebrating my daughter living to be a week old and trying to soak up every moment with her... that was the good side of things... But there was a bad side too. Last year at this time I also felt over whelming grief already. The stress of having my baby in the hospital for a week was almost unbearable. Life was at its hardest for me. I smiled in attempts to live in the moment and make the best of the situation...but the tears still flowed constantly in private.

While we were blessed enough to bring Hailey home with us and spend Christmas with her, it wasn't the Christmas I wanted. We were still wondering at which moment she might pass. Things were stressful taking care of her at times, with inconsolable cries, feedings tubes, being confined to one room of the house because of her oxygen, still grieving....all the while I was trying to be cheerful with the limited family we had visiting.... There was constant sorrow, worries, stress, anxiety, dread, and so on. Of course I focused on all the reasons we had to celebrate, but at the same time there were so many reasons not to feel like celebrating because my baby was going to die and it was just a matter of time. For those reasons, this Christmas season is much better. I don't miss those feelings. I don't miss the 'bad' side.

That may make me sound selfish, but I hope not. Perhaps you can only understand if you've been in my shoes. I can't emphasize how much I miss Hailey and loved that a year ago I was able to hold my baby girl in my arms, kiss her, smell her, take care of, love her... But at the same time, I don't want to go back to that situation. I would go back to her in a heart beat, but not the situation we were in a year ago - if that makes sense.

I guess if you were to ask me to choose which Christmas season is better, this or last... I might say I prefer this Christmas because I'm not constantly living in stress or crying everyday. I am at peace knowing Hailey is living in peace in heaven and huge burdens have been lifted from my life allowing me to be more easily at peace here, a peace I didn't quite have last year... But last Christmas season will always be cherished because its the only time of my life that I was able to share with Hailey, to actually be with my daughter. I wouldn't want to go back to it all...but I would again for Hailey.

Anyway, this year, this month, is better than I'd imagined, and I'm very thankful for that. I'm thankful I can find joy in the little things that I love about Christmas time. I'm thankful we'll be able to be with our families in Illinois for Christmas. I'm most thankful for the peace God's giving me. Of course it hurts not having Hailey here, but God is helping me deal with it.

I just pray the rest of this season continues this way. Sometimes I feel like when I write about how 'well' I'm doing with my grief (thanks to God), family and friends show their support less and assume everything's fine... But please, family and friends, don't stop showing your support, sympathy, love, for us, for Hailey... God uses you to help me, help us, and we will never stop needing support and love and knowing you care about Hailey too.

And if you haven't read the poem on Facebook, I'm going to put it here too. Do you want to know what I was experiencing a year ago at this time? Read this poem written by another Project Sweet Peas leader. (I apologize for the spaced out formatting, I couldn't fix it.)

A Parent’s Tunnel

By: Kate Crawford

Shut your eyes

Now, imagine the happiest moment of your life

You are about to meet your baby

A baby you have waited for

For 9 long months

A baby you planned your future around

Everything is perfect

And here he comes

You cry

You are elated

But, wait . . . the baby . . .

The baby isn’t crying

The nurses are running

You ask quietly,

“What’s wrong?”

No one answers you

You can’t see your baby

There are too many people

The whisk your baby out of the room

You scream

“What is wrong with my baby?”

Finally an answer

One you are unprepared for

“We have to take your baby to the NICU.”

You stop listening

You can’t breathe

You can’t think

You cry, but it’s no longer because you are happy

You haven’t seen the sun

The dark room is all you know

The days run together

You are tired

But you can’t sleep, because you can’t leave your baby’s side

You are alone

Isolated

You haven’t even eaten

You forget

You can’t leave

You haven’t showered

But, you don’t care

He’s hooked to wires, tubes, IV’s and catheters

Everything beeps in alarms

Every beep makes your heart stop

Your baby is sick

Your perfect is gone

Your future, shattered

You sit

You stare

You watch your baby fight to stay alive

The nurses come

The nurses go

The names change

You can’t keep it straight

The diagnosis

You can’t even pronounce

Medicines you’ve never heard of

But the knowledge makes you feel bonded to your baby

You know nothing of the outside world

Your baby is all you know

Your strength

You don’t care about anything

But your baby

This is the life of a parent in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. They have tunnel vision, and at the end is a healthy baby with a happily ever after. Sometimes, they reach the end of that tunnel with their baby, sometimes they never see their happy ever after.

11 Months with the angels

I can't believe it... I nearly missed an 'anniversary' of Hailey's...

Eleven months ago today Hailey left this earth to join Jesus and his angels in heaven...

Thankfully, on this anniversary, in the month in the midst of her birthday and Christmas, my grief is 'okay.' While my journey of mourning has given me highs and lows and unexpected twists and turns, today I feel like perhaps it's leveling off... It's not so much of a crazy roller coaster ride anymore, but more like a the consistent, slow chug of a train... I'm just chugging along, and the days aren't particularly 'easy' or 'hard.' I've grown used to my grief and her void. And for the moment, I feel less depression, hopelessness, anger, bitterness, and jealousy. I'm hoping this moment lasts and lasts because those emotions have been replaced with peace, and it feels 'good.'

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

But this all doesn't mean that my heart is become whole once again, that I'm not broken, that my heart doesn't ache for Hailey... all those things are still true. I miss her daily, and, of course, there are always moments of sadness. The only way I can really try to explain it is by saying I feel like I'm 'moving on' or I've 'put the past behind me'... but those are absolutely not true and I really hate to say those things... unfortunately, I have no better way to explain in words how I feel lately...

In one month, I will be saying that it's been one year since Hailey passed away, a day that will be just as significant to me as her 1st birthday. But I can't imagine how I'm going to feel or what I'm going to do on that day yet... Because I've learned to take it one day at a time. Today I will deal with today.

However, I do want to talk about something that will most likely come up on the anniversary of her death. It's something I've been thinking a lot about thanks in part to Christmas songs and the most recent series of messages at church.

Angels.

I want to make it clear to you all what I believe about angels because I've learned that with death, and especially the death of a baby or child, angels often come up. What I'm going to say is not meant to offend or hurt others for what they have done or said, it's merely for me ... and for you if you might say something to me about them... because I want you to know what I believe.

First of all, if I ever use the term 'angel' to describe Hailey, it is only as a term of endearment. When I use it, if I do, it does not mean I believe Hailey is now an angel. I do not believe that when babies or people die that they become angels. The Bible teaches that humans do not become angels when they die.

I've known people who have lost babies to say things like their babies grew wings the day they died (suggesting their baby became an angel). I've also known people to refer to the anniversaries of babies' deaths as 'angel - versaries' or their 'angel day.' And there are other common quotes like, "Most of us only dream of angels - We held one in our arms." I personally do not like any of these being said about Hailey because I don't believe them to be true based on what the Bible teaches. Again, I must express that it is not my intention to offend or cause pain to anyone, especially anyone grieving. I know all of these things are said out of love. But as a Bible believing Christian, I do not believe such things to be true. If you are a Bible believing Christian, you should not believe them to be true either.

Do I believe in angels? Absolutely. Our babies just don't turn into them when they die. Instead, our babies are with the angels in heaven, and we do have angels here on earth - the Bible teaches both of those to be true.

So is Hailey an angel now? No. Is she with the angels in heaven? Yes! Do I love to imagining her with Jesus and all the angels? Yes!

One of the most interesting and comforting things I've learned in our church's study about angels has to do with one of the angels' jobs.

You see, one of my many struggles with losing Hailey was how she died. You see, I had prayed and asked Jesus that she would pass away peacefully in her sleep one day, and she did... but I have always hated that she was alone and that I was in another room when it happened. We started off having someone hold Hailey every minute of every day in case she died because we wanted her to go while being held close by someone who loved her. Then it turned to having someone watching her every minute of every day, even when she was sleeping. Eventually reality had to set in, relatives had to leave, and we had to try to have some sort of normalcy with taking care of her, just my husband and I. This meant we took shifts in the middle of the night... one of us would sleep while the other would sleep if they could but would tend to Hailey as needed and check on her every so often.

The morning she passed away, I had been sleeping in our guest room to try to get some quality sleep, and Josh had been squeezing in sleep as well so she passed while we were both sleeping... We knew this would always be a possibility, but we didn't like that it happened that way nonetheless because we didn't want her to be alone when she died.

I always found comfort in the fact that I knew God was always there with her, but recently what I learned about angels gave me an even greater source of comfort. I learned that God has angels care for believers (and babies) at death as indicated by this verse.

"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side." Luke 16:22

So even though when Hailey died neither of us was technically 'with her' or holding her, God was there and the angels were there carrying her into heaven. I think that is awesome for lack of a better word...

And just for the record, if you're interested in knowing a bit more about what the Bible says about angels, I'll share with you what I've learned:

• "Angel" is used approximately 275 times in the Bible; it means 'messenger.'


• Angels are mentioned in 34 of the 66 Bible books.


• Jesus taught the existence of angels. (Matthew 26:53)


• Angels are created, spirit beings. (Colossians 1:16, Hebrews 1:14)


• They were created holy, but with some free will. (Jude 6, Rev. 12:3-4, Ezekiel 28)


• Angels should not be worshiped. (Col. 2:18)


• Only 2 angels are named; Michael and Gabriel. (Jude 9, Luke 1:19)


• They do not marry, procreate, or die. (Luke 20:36)


• They can take on human form and interact with us on earth. (Hebrews 13:2)


• They are innumerable. (Hebrews 12:22)


• People don't become angels, but they can become like them when they die because in heaven humans will not marry, procreate, or die. (Hebrews 2:6-7)

A good overview online article about angels (I haven't read it in its entirety, but have read most of it) can be found here if you're interested in learning more.

So with that all said, eleven months ago today, my baby did not grow wings or become an angel. Eleven months ago today, because of God's love and care, the angels escorted her into heaven, and ever since she has been with them in the presence of God praising him and enjoying an eternity with him.

Love and miss you so much Munchkin. I can't wait to sing and dance with you and the angels worshiping our heavenly Father together...

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”

Isaiah 6:3

I forgot one of the best parts!

I can't believe I forgot to share about one of the special parts about Hailey's birthday!

On the drive home from the hospital that night, we were driving on a dark country road, no city lights or anything interfering with the blackness and so the stars were shining brightly.

Then, suddenly, there was a shooting star falling down across the night sky right in front of us. It was absolutely beautiful.

One of the things Hailey's life has been compared to has been that of a shooting star or even Halley's comet... So for me, the shooting star was like a symbolic or perhaps even literal message from God and Hailey ... So many things in life come to us beautifully, burning brightly, but briefly, only lasting a moment.

Hailey's 1st Birthday

Okay, I'm finally ready (and have time) to write about Hailey's birthday...

I'm happy to say that after having a terribly sad day on Monday, Tuesday was a little bit brighter, but in terms of my emotions, it was a pretty anxious day for me. I unexpectedly felt anxiety over wondering how I was going to feel on Hailey's birthday so much so that I think I had some stress related heart burn or indigestion or something that kept me up most of Tuesday night. But it was a little comforting going into Hailey's birthday to have already had so many kind words, messages, and prayers from family and friends on Monday and Tuesday. Plus our families had some gorgeous flowers delivered to us on Tuesday, and for me, flowers are always a source of comfort and brighten a dark day.

The morning of Wednesday, December 1st, Hailey's birthday, didn't start out how I expected it might. After not having enough sleep, I was woken up and kept awake from 6am to 8am with a series over 10 different phone calls for subbing. Because of the day, I ignored the first half of the calls, but after they kept coming, I decided to finally start answering my phone and declining opportunities to sub.  (And I just have to say I found it extremely strange that I had all those subbing calls on Hailey's birthday when I haven't had that many total in 3 months!).

But back to Hailey's birthday...

Thanks to prayers, God being at work, and our delivery for Hailey's Hope, Hailey's birthday was as good as it could have been for me. It certainly was a bittersweet day. Sad of course for all the obvious reasons that I'm not going to get into this post. But thankfully I experienced much more joy that overcame any sadness.

Because Josh had to fly and work on her birthday, he was unfortunately unable to make the delivery with me, but thankfully, one of my friends was able to make the journey with me up to The Children's Hospital in Birmingham, which was about a 3.5 hr drive each way.  So that morning I loaded up my car with the 50 basic NICU bags and 10 memory boxes we were donating, and my friend and I were on the road around 11:30am.

This is the 2nd delivery Hailey's Hope has made to The Children's Hospital so I thought I knew what to expect. The first time we delivered 36 bags in June, and when we did so, we made the long drive up, unloaded all the bags in front of the main desk in the lobby area, signed a form, and then made the long drive back; it literally took 5 minutes. Therefore, this time, I was expecting the same experience.

We pulled in front of the main entrance of The Children's Hospital a little after 3pm, and I went in first to fill out the forms and have my hospital contact paged to let her know the donations had arrived. I wasn't sure if anyone was going to come meet us or not, so we began unloading the bags from the car. When we came in with a wagon full of bags, a woman from the hospital (not my contact) came to greet me and help with the donations. While she was deciding what it would be best to do with all the bags and what not, the woman at the front desk who was wearing reindeer antlers and was so sweet offered to do a little photo op of my friend and I with some of the bags.

(Already the delivery was more rewarding for me than the last!)

The other woman was able to grab another wagon to help us bring more bags inside, and she asked us if we would help her take the wagon loads up to the NICUs - Of course we would! That's exactly what I had wanted to do, but I understood that sometimes hospital policies might not allow it.

So we took the first half of the donation to the 6th floor level 3 NICU...the same NICU where Hailey arrived one year ago from the date of the delivery. I stepped out of the elevator and saw the familiar hall with it's cheerful painted wall and the NICU sign... It pretty much took my breath away. It was the first moment where I had to hold back tears. I hadn't been on that floor, in that hall, in almost a year, and all of our experiences there with Hailey came flooding back to me. I felt like I was there for the first time again getting ready to see her for the first time since she was born. It didn't make me want to cry tears of sadness....instead, I was just feeling very moved and soaking up the moment. I was so very thankful to be able to be going back to her NICU and seeing my bags off in this way.

The woman helping us had us all buzzed into the NICU so she could discuss the donation with some of the other NICU workers. We stepped in, and again, I felt overwhelmed...but in a good way. Hailey's bed had been just to the left... It may seem odd, but being there made me feel close to her again.

[caption id="attachment_80" align="aligncenter" width="362" caption="My Courageous Little Girl"][/caption]

Eventually we went back out of the NICU to the conference room across the way where there was plenty of space to temporarily store our bags and for the NICU workers to sort through them.

The nurses were all so sweet and were just pouring over the bags. We talked all about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. They remembered receiving our first set of donations in June and told me so many wonderful things about how much the parents have appreciated our bags, they've all gone to good use, many people had been requesting them after they ran out, and so on. After I told them I was Hailey's mom and how it was her 1st birthday, they began asking questions about her. After telling them her full name, when she was in their NICU, and that she had Trisomy 18, they all seemed to remember her (although I didn't remember any of them).

I can't begin to tell you how much comfort and joy their sweet comments about how appreciated and needed Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas is at The Children's Hospital... I mean it just made me feel sooo good. I know why I do what I do with Hailey's Hope and I know the need, but it's so good to have everything reaffirmed by others. They were even (somewhat) joking around telling me they need another 50 bags next month. (They have a total of 40 beds and most of the time they are all full, so the need for the bags is there.)

After we dropped off the first half of the bags and I chatted a bit with the nurses, we went back downstairs to unload the rest of the car and bring the rest of our delivery upstairs. When we were finished unloading everything in the conference room, I talked some more with the nurses. They couldn't stop admiring all of the goodies and thought and care that went into everything, and they asked for a picture with me. They also kept asking about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas and wanted more information, all I had on me were business cards so I passed them all out. One of the nurses even mentioned she was going to share about our project with an organization she's a part of in hopes to help us with donations.

All in all, this time the delivery took about an hour to drop off and was exactly what I hoped and wanted it to be. On our way out I stopped in the hall to take a picture with the NICU sign where Hailey stayed as a little tribute to her.

Hailey's 1st birthday was truly a bittersweet day, but it was truly best way I could have celebrated my daughter's sweet little life (although next year my husband needs to be with me!).

My friend and I left the hospital around 4:15pm and stopped to enjoy a nice dinner together, and I finally arrived back home around 8:30pm. It was a long day. I came home exhausted. But I was literally glowing as I told my husband about how wonderfully the delivery went.

Thanks to everyone's prayers and God's answers, Hailey's birthday was a gift to me. I feared feeling alone, depressed, sad, full of grief, etc. But instead, I felt comfort, peace, joy, and love. Truly amazing gifts. In looking back on the day, I just feel overwhelming grateful for everything... for God, for Hailey, for Hailey's Hope, for our supporters... everything...

Thank you Jesus for always taking care of me, and thank you to everyone who has kept us in your prayers... Prayer is powerful, and it works..

As I posted on my Facebook on Hailey's birthday...

"Dear Hailey, While every part of me wishes you were here with us and we were celebrating you turning 1 today, I hold on to the hope I have that one day I'll have an eternity to spend with you...until then I pray that God will continue to daily give me his strength and peace to endure this life without you. Love you forever, Your momma (and dad)."

You are my God, and I will praise you;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Psalm 118: 28-29