11 Months... (& A Hailey's Hope Update)

Today is another anniversary (that's what I've come to call 'these' days)... Hailey would have turned 11 months old, today, 1 month away from celebrating her 1st birthday. Instead, today's just another day I miss her.

Instead of taking pictures of her and marveling over her accomplishments, I sit and wonder what she'd look like. And I can't. I can't imagine her.

Over the weekend my husband and I were in a store doing some last minute shopping for our costumes, and we ran into a little boy (almost literally) in one of the aisles. He was probably about two years old, and his face reminded me so much of Hailey's with it's tiny little features. He was so cute. He made my heart smile. Even though he was a little boy, the encounter gave me a glimpse into what Hailey might have looked as a toddler.

And today instead of sharing pictures of and stories about her first costume and first Halloween/ fall-related adventures like other moms, I sit and miss her and do what I can in memory of her.

Today I spent most of the day working on various tasks for Hailey's Hope. I went to the store and bought the remainder of items I need to fill 25 basic NICU bags so that I can get a head start on our delivery (which is one month from today)!

Have I mentioned lately that I'm very thankful to have Hailey's Hope? Because I am. It definitely gives me reason to feel good on days where everything else might tell me to feel sad.

So instead of going shopping for a gift or clothes or something for Hailey like I probably would have been doing if she were still with us, today I went shopping in memory of her and because of her, and it filled a little void in my heart.

And on that related note, today marks one month until our special delivery on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1st. Just to remind you, our goal is to donate 50 basic NICU gift bags (they will be given to families as they arrive in the NICU with their babies) and 10 "angel" memory boxes (they will be given to parents whose babies lose their battle in the NICU). I'm so happy with all of the support and donations we've received so far. Thanks to two very large monetary donations and all of the smaller donations we've received, I'm very confident that we will be able to reach this special, huge goal I set for Hailey's Hope.

If you haven't donated yet you still can! If you'd like your donation to count towards this special delivery, I'm requesting that it arrives to me by November 15th so that I have plenty of time to finish filling the bags. If you still want to donate and aren't sure when you can, I just want to remind you that we will continue to do what we do! This isn't a one time thing or just for this year. This is a permanent project that I will run for as many years as God leads me to!

Here's a little preview of our bags so far - tonight I filled 19 bags (minus their finish touches including labels and cards):

Changing Seasons

Wow this is a new one for me ... over a week since I last blogged. Here are my main excuses: Amongst the other things that regularly keep me busy, I subbed twice, went on a last minute  3 day trip to check out Fort Campbell (which I like to refer to as my recon mission trying to scope out the area so we can begin house hunting), and then had to finish our homemade costumes for the Spooky 5K on post that we participated in - see pictures below.

(View of the drive in TN)

(Spooky 5K costumes - our half of 'Scooby and the gang')

My life seems to be moving from one season to another right now. How appropriate for this to be happening to me in the fall as the leaves change colors and the world prepares for winter.

Since Hailey passed away, I've struggled with grief and depression and the new, unexpected, and unwanted turn in my life and all that's come along with it. As I've written about many times before, overnight my life changed and I woke up many mornings feeling I was in a living nightmare. I lost my dad, I had no daughter, I wasn't a mom, I had no full time job, I didn't know who I was or what to do with myself, I was living in a new state hundreds of miles from family and learning what it meant to be married to the Army... all at once.

As my season of grief raged on, God gave me glimmers of joy and peace and even purpose. My unwanted free time became a blessing that allowed me to do things I otherwise would have been unable to enjoy, like exercising and donating care packages to families who have babies in NICUs. I began to accept more and more that I don't write the plans to my life, God does. And so with God's help I worked my way through my grief and other negative emotions that accompanied it. I began to feel purposeful again. It was hard but I created a 'new life' after Hailey and fell into a new routine I grew to love.

But nothing ever lasts. Every time I seem to establish a routine with my life and become complacent, life throws something at me, sometimes something welcomed, other times something not.

The season of my life appears to be changing again. This time to one where my grief is quieter and my tears and sadness seem less, where I embrace the present and future more and more, where the tragedy of losing Hailey seems like it's in the distant past almost so much so that some days if I look at my life right now it's as if she never existed, and I will admit, I hate those moments. Sometimes it feels as if I'm to the point where I've moved on without her, like the past two years never happened, and I'm back to my 'normal' self before her. Again, I will admit, I hate feeling that way because there is no going back to how things were before her, even if that's how it may appear to the rest of the world. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her and think of her.

I know this will be a battle I have for the rest of my life. Hailey will be like a secret I carry that no one will know or understand. I'll go through the motions of life's activities like pumpkin picking, costume making, house hunting, and so on, always wishing I had my daughter there with me, always imagining what my life would be like in that particular moment with my daughter there, always thinking that's how it should have been, but isn't. I go through all these activities and an outsider never knows that I have a  daughter who should have been in the picture with me too. It's a frustrating thing for me. (On that note, if you have a baby or a child, can you do me a favor? Can you just hug them extra tight today for me and those of us surrounding you who in watching you with your babies miss ours all that much more?)

As we get ready for our new chapter, or season, in our life as we move to Fort Campbell, I also work to prepare myself for meeting new people and making new friends, again. And I'm constantly feeling tugs on my heart as I imagine them asking the same question everyone always asks, "Do you have any kids?" I've been thinking about this question a lot lately even though I haven't been asked it in awhile.

What do people mean when they ask that question? Is it implied that they mean living kids? How awkward would it be if I replied, "No. No living kids." I usually answer, "Yes, I had a daughter, but she passed away." I refuse to keep it a secret and lead people to believe I never had a baby who I had to bury and create a lie about my life, but at the same time, the honesty always creates an awkwardness and most of the time I don't think they really want the honest answer. They want to know if I currently have any kids...and I don't...  Right now, since it hasn't even been a year since Hailey has been gone, it seems more likely to me that I will continue to answer that I had a baby. But I wonder if I will still answer the question the same seven years from now? And then I wonder what other parents do who have lost a child. What do the parents do who lost their son or daughter when they were teenagers? What do they say ten years later when someone asks them how many children they have? How do they answer the question? Do they mention the one who died?

I'm sure there is no right or wrong answer and everyone answers differently, just as everyone grieves differently. But for now, I do not want the fact that I had a baby who died to be a secret in my life, because it's actually a huge part of my life and has been the most significant moment of my life thus far. It doesn't feel right to answer any differently. So I suppose I will answer the question the same, honestly, whether I think people want to hear it or not, whether it creates an awkwardness or not...

And I have to admit, I didn't intend for my post to go this route, but it did. I guess even as I go through the motions and get ready for this new turn in my life, the truth of my heart and where it's at always comes out.

Things are busy right now, but it's a welcomed busy. To my surprise, I'm actually enjoying where my life is at right now. I am seeing that life can go on and can be good again, although I can always find reason not to be completely satisfied with my life because my baby is dead after all... But I try my best not to let those thoughts and feelings keep me a prisoner of my grief and keep me from making the most of my life.

So I'm enjoying working on our delivery for Hailey's Hope in a month, substitute teaching every now and then, house hunting, and getting ready for our move, Josh's graduation, and the holidays. I'm already anticipating to feel many mixed emotions in the next two months... I'll have many reasons to celebrate and be happy and many reasons to grieve... Just praying God helps me handle the changing seasons and everything that will come at me into the new year.

The next chapter...

Well if you haven't heard yet, my husband finally received his unofficial orders and the Army is sending us to Ft. Campbell (which lies on the border of Kentucky and Tennessee) next. Unfortunately, we are still waiting to find out when exactly it is that we'll be reporting there (as of right now all we know is that we will be going there any time between January and March).

Over the summer, when we put in our choices for where we'd like to be stationed next, we listed Hawaii, Campbell, and Bragg. Because Josh was towards the top of the OML (order of merit list), we had reason to hope that we would get one of our choices, but when 2 months passed and we still had no orders, we began to worry that things might be getting a little messed up and that we might not get any of our choices - with the Army, you never really know what to expect.

So I was ecstatic on Tuesday when I received Josh's text message, "Going to Campbell." My heart did a little dance and flip in my chest I swear! We got one of our choices! I was so thrilled and happy. To make us appreciate this blessing even more, I later learned that Josh was the only active duty Black Hawk pilot out of 3 sections to get Ft. Campbell and no other active duty Black Hawk pilot got either of our other choices. Unfortunately, this means that there quite a few people found out they are going somewhere they didn't necessarily want to go.

We're both excited to be going to Campbell for many reasons. First of all, it's one of the nicer places for us to be stationed in the U.S. The surrounding area is beautiful, we'll be close to civilization again, we'll be able to make trips out to Nashville whenever we want - a city I just love, and we've heard so many wonderful things about it! The location is also great for us because it's the closest we'll be to living near our families while Josh is in the Army. After this rough year of being apart from them with us all grieving separately and so on, the closer location is very welcomed by us all - it will be an 8 hr drive instead of a+16 hr drive home.

Another reason why both Josh and I are happy with being stationed at Ft. Campbell next is because of what it could mean for his career. Without getting into all the Army details and career path choices and so on, I'll just say this: basically it will give him a good chance of being able to deploy. Yes he wants to deploy and yes having a deployment will help his career as an officer and pilot. Because a deployment is what he wants and needs, I understand and support him for wanting to be at Campbell so that he can have an opportunity to deploy. However, as I've written about once or twice before, while I understand and support him and know that deployment is part of his career and our life, it's still hard.

So while I spent Tuesday and Wednesday almost on a high, extremely thankful to God for matching our desires to go to Ft. Campbell with His desires for us, yesterday the 'other side' hit me.

Like I said, we don't know what unit he'll be with yet or when he'll be going, but there are a couple of units deploying almost immediately after we'd get there. What this possibility meant really started to sink in with me yesterday. I was prepared for  a deployment while we'll be at Campbell, but I was anticipating and hoping it would be a few months out like maybe the beginning next summer so that we'd at least have a few months together to settle into life in our new home and community. But the truth is that he could deploy much sooner and to be completely honest it hid me hard yesterday.

I had went from feeling so happy and blessed to almost the complete opposite... And it reminded me of Hailey (we started off feeling so happy and blessed that we were pregnant to the opposite when we learned she was going to die). But with the news of going to Campbell, it seemed like something in our life was going to go the way we wanted... that life could be good again...that we could look forward to something again...that we could have more reason to be happy and feel God blessing us. It was a good feeling that I haven't really felt since we lost Hailey. And then this reality of a deployment hit and took away all of those positive thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and I began to struggle with God in my heart... and kind of yell at him to be honest... even though I know there's nothing to even yell about right now...but that's what I did...

My mind went from praising God for blessing us with Campbell to me questioning and yelling at him... My thoughts went something like this...

God how could you do this to me? How could you send my husband on a deployment for a year right when we move? Don't you know how hard that timing would be for me? Don't you know what that would do to me? Why do you want to put me through another year of pain? I spent 2010 grieving the deaths of my dad and my daughter and separated from family and friends... don't you know how hard it's been for me God? Sure you've helped me through my pain, but my pain has been there still! And now you could send the man I love on a deployment for 2011 giving me a second consecutive year of pain and heartache? New Year's Eve 2009 I cried because I knew 2010 held nothing "good" for me because I anticipated the deaths of my daughter and dad. God am I going to cry again this New Year's Eve because 2011 is going to be a year without my husband? God I'm not ready for this yet. Is there ever going to be anything I can look forward to here on this Earth?

And then of course when I get like 'this' my bad habit of snowballing and then comparing myself  to others likes to pop in...

God it's so unfair. Why did you create Hailey the way you did? Why have you called me to live the life of a mother who has buried her baby? There are so many women who are happy mothers who everyone calls blessed because they have such beautiful healthy children. Why couldn't I be one of them? Why have you called Josh to be in the Army? Why have you called me to love him and be an Army wife? There are so many families who have the luxury of the security, consistency, and comforts of living in one place, near their families and friends, for their entire lives. Why couldn't we be one of those families? Why do we have to experience what seems like more tragedy and hardship and challenges than the average couple? It's not fair God.

Yep. Those were my honest rambling anxious thoughts last night. Thankfully, my God always comes through for me, even when I'm questioning, anxious, and doing worse case scenarios in my head when I don't even have any facts or details.

I laid around moping most of the night just letting my thoughts play out and my heart cry out to God. I felt God reminding me I hadn't spent any time with him yesterday, and of course in my childishness to that gentle reminder I said, "No God, I don't want to. I'm mad at you right now." To which the voice in my heart said, "You really need to come spend some time with me right now. Please let me talk to you."

And I knew He was right so I dragged myself into my bedroom and grabbed my Bible and journal. I was wondering what God was going to tell me. I've been studying the book of Jeremiah for awhile now and quite frankly it's a little depressing. For those of you who don't know, God called Jeremiah to be a prophet and deliver a message that no one wanted to hear and because of that Jeremiah went through many struggles. He stood alone against a crowd who despised him. He was arrested, imprisoned, almost killed by these people.  His relationship with God is sometimes defined as one of doubts, outbursts, fights, and so on. But through it all, even though he at times questions it, hates it, Jeremiah remains faithful and does what God asks of him. My Bible says Jeremiah is an "example of what it means to follow God in spite of everything." So knowing all of this, I was wondering if God was going to tell me, "Follow Jeremiah's example. He led what some would call an unpleasant, unhappy life, but was obedient to me. You need to be prepared to be like Jeremiah." To which I was ready to tell God, "God this is not what I want or need to hear right now..."

So anyway, the night prior I read Jeremiah chapter 17. I was so tired I didn't do my journaling afterward like usual so instead I did some marking in my Bible. Since I wasn't really feeling "into" my quiet time, but was doing it because God asked, I figured I'd look over what I had underlined in my Bible and go over that again.

"God, what is it that you want me to hear? I need you to come through for me right now in my anxiety and depression. I know they're not good, and they're not things that come from you."

("An anxious heart weighs a man down..." Proverbs 12:25)

(Have I mentioned lately how much I love my Lord and Savior? Cause I do. He's so awesome. You'll see why.) I read the first verse I marked from the night before:

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

"Oh... yeah... I'm not really showing my trust or confidence in you right now, am I God? Hmm... But here is says I will be blessed if I trust in you and place my confidence in you... Yeah. I probably should do that."

Next verse I marked:

⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

"Ah it's this popular verse that many people know... Wow Lord.  I am fearing, and I am worrying. I am not how you want me to be. I am not how I want to be. I want to be like the tree planted by water. I don't want to fear. I don't want to worry. If I place my trust and confidence in you, I will be like this tree. Unwavering, grounded or rooted in you and your truths, sustained by you despite all that's going on around me. And what's this last part God... it 'never fails to bear fruit'.... Not only will you sustain me through the hard times, but you will help produce good in me and help me bear fruit... Wow Lord. I see why you wanted to talk to me tonight. This is exactly what I needed to hear."

And then the next verse:

⁹ The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

"Okay God. Wow. I hear you again. Thank you. Thank you for these truths. Even though I'm rereading these words, it's like you wrote them just for me just for what I'm going through today. Yes, my heart is deceiving me right now. I'm letting my heart run away with my emotions of fear and other things... Yes, I need to check my heart.

I continued to reread the rest of the chapter, underlining some new words that I felt God highlighting for me... reminders of things that helped me deal with my other issue of the night which is my trying to complain my life is unfair compared to that of others:

"...the man who gains riches by unjust means....they will desert him...he will prove to be a fool..." (vs. 11)


"...all who forsake you will be put to shame..." (vs. 13)


¹⁴ Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.

I heard that last verse loud and clear. I read it over and over and over again. It is a truth I know to be true because God has proven it to be true with my grief over and over again this year, yet I still needed a reminder of it. Thank you God for speaking to me.

Before spending this time with God last night, I was feeling anxious beyond belief and imagining a night of tossing and turning ahead for me. After spending this time with God last night and hearing God speak to me, His words brought my turbulent soul comfort and gave me His peace...Exactly what I needed. And so I slept well last night. Today I still wonder about what it might be like if we move and within a month Josh deploys and the hardships that could and will come at some point, but God has given me the wisdom and peace and gentle reminders that let me know I will be okay if that does happen.

I am ready for the next chapter of our lives to begin... whatever that might be... I am ready because I have God by my side.

Oh, and one last thing. Some people think that I match this lifestyle because I am strong, resilient, and so on. Actually, me on my own, I am not a match for this lifestyle. On my own it's my nature to hate change, fear change, be a worry wort, fear being alone, and so on. But thankfully, God is making me into his own. Daily He rids me of myself and fills me with Him.....Without God, I would never make it through this life, let alone make it through my grief, let alone make it as an Army wife. God gives me what I need to not only make it through, but to thrive in doing so. Anything positive you see in me, is God's strength and love shining through my weakness.

We remember...

This weekend was too much for words, which doesn't bode well for this blog post...or maybe it does because I can share pictures instead of rambling (?).

In an attempt to capture my experiences this weekend, during which we recognized and participated in Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I will use some adjectives that come to mind to describe how I felt:

Sad. Happy. Stressful. Emotional. Exhausted. Wonderful. Honored. Moved. Inspired. Loved. Not alone.

And since some claim a picture can speak a thousand words... I'll let these pictures tell my story of this weekend and remembering my baby and the babies of others...

Hailey's name  painted on a rose petal, made by one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

A second picture of Hailey's name painted on a rose petal edited with a heart, made by one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

Hailey's name  painted on a leaf, made by one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

A second picture of Hailey's name  painted on a leaf, made by one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

A candle lit for Hailey, done by another one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

Here she arranged Hailey's candle along with those of others' babies to form an angel

Josh, Opie, and I walked to remember Hailey on Saturday

We wrote her a note and attached it to a giant butterfly collage at the Walk to Remember event.

This is our butterfly we released in remembrance of Hailey.

Me with Hailey's balloon at the balloon remembrance release I organized for Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas

The balloons we released in remembrance of 82 babies.

The beginning of our release.

All of the balloon released into the air

Thank you to all of you who participated with us in our balloon release. Thank you to those of you who sent me encouraging messages over the weekend. Thank you to those of you who lit a candle in remembrance of Hailey. Thank you to everyone for supporting me, Josh, Hailey, and Hailey's Hope. Although our daughter isn't with us, she will always remain an important part of our life ,and it's very important to us that the people in our life acknowledge her, remember her, and don't act like we never had a daughter and she never existed...