My Unexpected Baby Shower

Without getting into the somewhat elaborate scheme of the day yesterday, my husband and I arrived at our friend Katie's house in the afternoon to, what I thought, was to go through some baby boy items she no longer needed now that her son was older and see if we wanted any of them. Not expecting anything, one, because they all did a fabulous job of keeping it a surprise, and, two, because I am the most gullible person in the world, I rang her doorbell expecting Katie to answer and do just that. Instead, her door opened and I was greeted by a face I never expected to see, that of our friend, our mentor, who used to be one of our OCF (Officers' Christian Fellowship) leaders at Ft. Rucker, who has become like family to us, Jennifer, who is also now stationed at Ft. Knox, which is about 3 hrs from where we are at Ft. Campbell.

My first thought at seeing her was Jennifer! What a pleasant surprise! What's she doing here? And then a nanosecond later I see Katie out of the corner of my eye with a huge flashing camera in front of her face snapping pictures left and right, and my next thought was Oh my gosh, I think I just walked in on my own surprise party. Oh my goodness I'm about to have a baby shower thrown for me. Thankfully, with it being a surprise and all, I didn't have time to dwell on that or let that thought process go too much further because I soon saw the beautiful smiling faces of my friends around the corner. I did however have to give myself an instant pep talk about how I will not cry and how I will make sure to show everyone how happy and thankful I am to have them all there for me. I looked back at my husband who came in behind me and realized we were probably not going out to lunch with his commander that afternoon, which he confirmed and then snuck out after giving me a quick kiss.

Indeed I was surprised and unprepared and those were probably very good things and were what needed to happen. You see, had anyone asked or approached me about having a baby shower, I would have quickly turned them down.

Here's why. To attempt (keyword, attempt) to make a long story short, since losing Hailey, baby showers and I don't mix well emotionally. I have a hard time, whether it's for myself or someone else, being a part of something that celebrates and assumes that the parents will bring that baby home, will watch that baby grow, etc. when I know that doesn't always happen, when in my own experience, instead of coming home from the hospital with a healthy baby, I came home almost 2 weeks later with a sick one and had to begin preparing for her death. To me a baby shower represents the extreme high of a hopeful, expectant mother who is pure and innocent, and I know that I cannot assume or expect that because I went from that type of mother to an extreme low when I became a babylost mother. The innocence, the ignorance, the naivete, the pure joy of the expectant mother at her baby shower to my tainted eyes and heart is something that is frustrating and saddens me, but it's my reality. The experience of seeing the same faces at Hailey's memorial service who I had seen not too many months before at my baby showers... to remember the sight of those eager and happy faces as I opened their gifts and talked to them at my shower and to then look at those same faces crushed, full of sorrow, not knowing what words to say to me... That experience was hard and the memory is heartbreaking...  And of course, I fear that happening again, so in my attempt to control to that fear, my solution was no baby showers for myself. I would be more than happy to have a baby shower after baby boy is here when I'm not assuming I have a future with him, I am knowing it...but I didn't want one before he comes. Not to mention, I didn't think I could emotionally handle it. I feared a baby shower would bring up some difficult emotions and crush me. I feared having a baby shower thrown for me where I would be overcome by a sorrow that didn''t allow me to celebrate the way a mother should at her baby shower.

But there I was yesterday, smack dab in the middle of my own surprise baby shower. In a way, I was facing a fear, and I had no choice.

To be honest, initially a small part of me was upset when my husband kissed me goodbye and left me. He knew about this? How could he do this to me? I thought he knew why I didn't want a baby shower... How could he put me through this emotional turmoil and make me face it by myself??

But again, thankfully it was a surprise, and I really had no time to let these thoughts go too much further.

I'm happy to report that my fears were not realized, and I was not in emotional turmoil at my shower, and I was not overcome with sorrow, whether it was sorrow related to my past with Hailey or sorrow related to my unknown future with our baby boy. Instead, God used my baby shower to show me something and fill me with some other things... And I'm so thankful I didn't have the option to run away from it because I so desperately needed what God had in store for me.

You see, I really had the best time at my baby shower and that is because God gave me His eyes for me. The hosts and guests may not have known this, but my shower was not necessarily about celebrating and assuming I'd have a certain future with my baby boy. It didn't focus on me making plans and talking about how I envisioned my future with our baby boy. It didn't require me to fake emotions or fake a conversation about the future to make others more comfortable or to "play" the role of the happy expectant mother at her baby shower. Maybe the best way I can put it is that the baby shower wasn't about the future for me. It was about the present. In fact, it was God fulfilling exactly what I needed in the present.

It wasn't about chatting about the future acting like I'm in control of what happens or about the gifts (although I did appreciate the gifts and thought they were all incredibly thoughtful and adorable and of course I oohed and aahed over everything because there's no denying the cuteness of baby things and there's no denying that I want to be able to use them all...) So yes I was showered in gifts, but it wasn't about that.

Instead, yesterday God allowed me to be showered with the things I needed and the things that truly mattered. Yesterday I was showered with friendship. With kindness. With compassion. With love. With support. And even with prayer. All of those things I so desperately need, God wanted to show me in a big way that I had.

Sometimes my life feels very lonely because most people in my life can't understand or imagine what I've been through with Hailey and what I'm going through now as we wait for our little boy to be born. That place of loneliness can become very dark and isolating and is often a place where my sorrows and fears are born and grown. That's not to say that's anyone's fault; it's just part of the journey I'm on because it's one that only I can be on... But God is continually showing me that he is walking me through it and there are so many others in our lives who are walking beside me as well.

To be in a room full of women yesterday, some of whom I've known for two years, some two months, and some two weeks, and to know that the amount of time we've known each other doesn't define the friendship that exists is completely amazing. To look into the face of each woman in that room and know for a fact that God placed us in each others' lives for a reason is completely amazing. To be in a room full of women who yesterday, whether they know it or not, demonstrated optimistic and encouraging hearts was the very thing my own heart, which has become so pessimistic and completely fragile, needed. To be in a room full of women who, again, whether they know it or not, demonstrated some of God's own love for me, was something I so desperately needed. To be in that room yesterday and feel overwhelming support from them was something I so desperately needed - because as strong-headed and stubborn as I can be, it's clear that much of this time on my journey I am fragile and breaking and weak and barely keeping my head above water, and I just can't do it on my own. I need God and I need others in my life too to help pick me and support me.

Yesterday, at my baby shower, a place I feared being, a place I feared would fill me with sorrow, a place I feared would be an act that I would have to pretend at... turned out to be none of those. It was a place where everyone there knew my story. Everyone there knew me. Everyone there had compassion. Everyone there allowed me to feel safe.

One thing many of you reading this may not understand is that being an Army wife sometimes adds an extra sense of isolation to my journey. Not too long ago, I moved here, to a new place, where I had no friends, and making friends can be difficult for me. It's hard to seek out friendships because I tend to be insecure and introverted, but in knowing that sometimes I have to compensate for myself, I keep putting myself in situations to build friendships. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to place women in my life who I can come to have true friendships with. Over time, through two Christian-based organizations, I came to have many acquaintances, and thankfully within the last few months several have turned into growing friendships. So to be at my baby shower yesterday and see all friendships in my life here and to see them all at the same place at the same time was something my eyes and heart needed to see.

To all of you who were at my shower yesterday, I will be handwriting individual thank yous to you, but I wanted to write this 'collective thank you' to all also (and some of this you may see repeated on your individual cards, but bear with me, my heart needs to say this):

To Jennifer, Thank you for wanting to throw and for planning a baby shower for me. Thank you for listening to God on that one because I do think it was from him. God seems to use you in big ways in my life when I need it the most, like those walks and lunches you'd invite me on after we lost Hailey, when inside I didn't want to leave the house, but you and God seemed to know I needed it.

To my husband, Thank you for knowing me better than myself, for listening to God (whether you're aware or not it was from him), and for giving the okay and encouraging and helping Jennifer orchestrate the surprise shower. I really did not want a baby shower, but I think you and God saw that I needed something I didn't know I needed.

To Katie, It's funny how God has made our paths cross and developed an instant friendship despite not having spent all that much time together. Thank you for helping with and hosting my shower at your beautiful home and opening it up to all those women, many of whom you didn't know.

To Claire and Holly, First and foremost, thank you for essentially being the two ladies in my life here who are loving the Lord and are leading other women, including myself, to love the Lord and each other. Thank you for your roles in helping Jennifer with the guest list and inviting all the women here who mean so much to me.

To everyone I just mentioned and to all of my guests at my shower yesterday (there are too many of you to name individually on here, but please try to take this collective thank you personally), Seeing each and every one of your beautiful smiling faces at my shower meant so much to me, more than you can probably ever know. You all are honestly some of the most beautiful people inside and out that I have ever been blessed to know. Each of your gifts was perfect and greatly appreciated. However, truly, the best gifts you all gave me yesterday were not ones I could touch, but ones that I felt and have deeply affected me.

I can't say it enough: Thank you for your presence. For your friendship. For your smiles. For your hugs. For your warmth. For your positivity. For your conversation and laughter. For your thoughtfulness. For your kindness.  For your compassion. For your understanding. For your prayers. And most of all, for your love and support.

I want you to know that yesterday while you think you may have gone and done what anyone would do, buy a gift and go to a baby shower for someone you know who is expecting, you did so much more than that. You all truly allowed God to shine through you and I am so thankful to have experienced that. So whether you know it or not, yesterday was not just a typical old baby shower, it was a God orchestrated moment in my life to open my eyes to something that I had not known, and it was something He planned for you all to be a part of.

Like I mentioned above, God used yesterday's baby shower to show me that my baby shower was less about our baby's future and more about Him helping me in my present moment. I am so grateful God promises me he will never leave me, no matter how hard or dark or lonely or scary things seem in my life, and am so grateful for his provision of people and relationships in my life that he works through to partner beside me and show me firsthand what love and support and encouragement look like.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for my 'unexpected' baby shower. I truly didn't expect to have one, and I truly didn't expect the one I'd have to function in my life the way it has.

Dear Hailey

Dear Hailey,

Soon our family is going to be changing - or rather it's already begun to change. Did you know on your 1st birthday I found out I was pregnant with your little brother? Can you believe that? Well pretty soon he's going to be here, and you are going to become a big sister.

I have so many emotions connecting you and your brother together in my heart, my two babies.

Part of me is excited. I can't wait to tell him all about his big sister, to show him your picture, to teach him to say your name, to some day tell him how you changed my life and so many others.

Part of me is sad. I'm sad you won't be able to meet him right away. I'm sad he won't be able to meet you and know you for himself. I'm sad he will only know you through pictures and stories. I'm sad he'll have a big sister, but at the same time that he won't.

Did you know this pregnancy has reminded me so much of you? It's made me think of you a lot. In fact, it's hard to think about your brother and not think about you.

To be honest with you, sometimes this has made me sad, and it's been difficult for me. Your birth and life made me aware of a love and joy I didn't know existed. But since you had many health problems, and we knew your time with us was going to be brief, the circumstances surrounding you involved a lot of tears and pain. As you know, it was very hard for me and your daddy to see you sick and be unable to do anything to make you better. In fact, it broke our hearts, and it still does, even though we know you are with Jesus and no longer sick or in pain and are experiencing more joy and love than we could ever have shown you on this earth. But having experienced that journey with you makes me wonder what the journey will be like with your little brother and makes me wonder if it will be the same, which is what's difficult.

But there are times when this pregnancy reminds me of when I was pregnant with you and those memories make me happy. In a way, when I remember them, they bring me back to you. They make you feel real again and not like a fleeting dream I once I had.

Most of all, my pregnancy with your little brother and preparing myself to meet him makes me miss you. Your daddy and I can't wait to hold your little brother in our arms and start our lives with him. I can't wait to feel like a family again... but right when I think that I know our family will always feel incomplete without you here too. I know God had a plan for calling you home to Him when He did, but sometimes the selfish part of me that doesn't understand wishes you could be healthy and happy here with us too... but you're not, and I miss you.

We don't know how God is going to change our family with your brother, but no matter what happens, even though you are not physically here with us, you will always be a part of our family, you will always be my firstborn, you will always be my little girl, you will always be my daughter, and you will always be loved.

I love you and miss you baby girl. Sending kisses up to Heaven for you today.  I can't wait to tell you about your little brother, and I can't wait to tell him about his big sister.

Love you always and forever,

Your momma

I can't help it...

Tonight I sit and dream of you, my baby boy... I can't help it...

I pray that not too long from now you will be cuddled in my arms, healthy and beautiful, and that I will stare endlessly at you in amazement of my healthy and beautiful baby boy.

I dream of meeting you.

I dream of you healthy.

I dream of holding you.

I dream of a life with you.

At one point I told myself I couldn't dream these dreams... They were too big... too much to ask... feeling unrealistic... feeling undeserving... feeling such joy and perfection might not come my way...

But I can't help it...

I dream of my dreams coming true.

I dream of you.

And somewhere along the way I realized I was afraid to love you with all my heart ,and I did everything I could to try to push that love aside... Out of a fear of loving you and losing you or loving you and hurting because you hurt... As if I could ignore a love that was already created and growing, thinking it would make the pain any less if something were to happen to you...

But I can't help it. I love you. I've always loved you...

Dreaming and loving are  risks for me, and maybe for others too, but even though I'm still afraid, I can't help it anymore......

And so tonight I sit and dream of you...

I can only pray and hope that God allows me the dreams and love I have for you to be fulfilled...

Surrender But Hope

Hi readers,

I come to you tonight with a short but important post. I'm currently 37.5 weeks (full term) and my due date is quickly approaching. The emotional roller coaster I've been riding this entire pregnancy is continuing, and possibly getting scarier if I were to be honest. We continue to have a lot of reason to hope for the best but there have been enough "things" scattered along the way that have allowed for seeds of doubt and some reason to wonder if we will again face a loss or an unhealthy baby.

I've come to a place where I have somewhat given God a rebellious attitude telling him I will not be okay, and I do not want him to choose another path for me that involves a child of mine being unhealthy and possibly dying. However, from the beginning I surrendered to God and accepted this as a possible reality, even as slight as it might be. Somewhere along the way, perhaps as I fell more deeply in love with my son, that the possibility of him having a disorder, whether fatal or not, and even though slight, became unbearably painful and gave birth to an excess of anxieties and fears.

I've battled with myself and with God more times than I can count, wanting God's will to be done and trusting his plan is greater and better than my own, but fearing his will is calling me to another traumatic event, another hardship, another sick child...

So here's where I am at tonight. Every time I battle with the above thoughts, I feel so distressed I can't begin to describe it. The only way for me to have peace is to once again come to the place of surrendering my hopes and dreams and my son to God and come to the place where I will accept his will, even if it includes those things I don't want, those things that make me cry to imagine, those things I fear...

I need prayer that I can come to a place where I can surrender and be at peace if God's plan is for another baby of ours to have a chromosomal disorder yet at the same time be hopeful that God can work miracles and that God's plan might match my dreams of our son being born completely healthy and perfect. And it's so hard because those are two very different things to prepare for and do at the same time...

As time draws nearer and nearer for me to meet my son and know once and for all if he is going to be healthy or not, I am becoming more and more vulnerable, more and more emotional, and becoming more and more susceptible to fears and worries and sorrow... I really need God to prepare my heart for whatever is in store because right now I am a broken mess.

Sometimes I feel bad asking so many people in so many ways for prayers, but sometimes I just don't know what else to do than pray and have others pray for me when I'm so exhausted myself.

~

On a side note, I was catching up on some blogs today that I follow and read this post by Angie Smith... Sometimes only the words of a mother who has experienced burying her baby can bring me comfort because there are some things that only "babylost" mothers understand about life... And so I read this post that she wrote and was very moved by it. I thought it was beautiful and I needed to share it. Please read.

Updates & Thoughts on Hailey

First, some updates...

My husband and I enjoyed a long 5 day holiday weekend (yes, 5 days!). We spent some of our free time together buying those necessities we still needed for baby boy, and we also ventured to Babies R Us and created a registry. Thankfully, after a roller coaster of a week emotionally for me, our baby shopping adventures went quite well. I think it was helpful for us to do the shopping and registering together. I didn't really get too sad or emotional. Instead, shopping made us both really excited... which is good but again is a scary thing for me. At this point, it's pretty hard not to be excited to meet our little guy and start dreaming of a future with him... but I still have that nagging in the back of my mind that I could be "let down" again...

Yesterday marked my 36th week of pregnancy. 1 more week until I'm considered full term. 4 more weeks to baby boy's due date. Again, as the time is drawing nearer and nearer to August 3rd, I can't help but be excited. One part of me wants him to come right now so I can be done waiting for him and just meet him and hold him already. But another part of me wants him to stay in my belly as long as possible because I know he's safe and sound in there and I don't have to worry about NICUs or things like that. So that part of me continues to cherish every day of this pregnancy. Also yesterday I had another appointment with my midwife and thankfully everything continues to look good although no signs that baby boy is going to make his debut any time soon.

Last but not least for the updates, my husband and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't have anything spectacular planned (we did just go on an awesome vacation last month, had fun with fireworks and things this past weekend, have a concert planned for this coming weekend, and not to mention it's hard to plan something on a work day), but we had a great anniversary nonetheless. My husband surprised me with a beautiful card and beautiful flowers when he came home, and thankfully there was a change in our schedules that allowed us to enjoy a nice romantic dinner out. We had lots of fun reminiscing about various moments in our lives and relationship. I hope we can always hold such great conversations even as we become an old married couple. Our marriage has seen more hardships and struggles than most can imagine in the first four years I'm sure, but I am so thankful that God has sustained us and so thankful to be married to a wonderful man who continues to be my best friend. I can only hope and pray that God will redeem our seasons of pain with more seasons of joy in the coming years.

~

So I thought I'd take some time to write a little about where my heart and mind are right now in terms of living without Hailey. As I've written before, I've felt a lot of deja vu with this pregnancy reminding me so much of Hailey and that has been a difficult thing and at times contributed to a lot of my fears this time around. However something that I haven't really written about yet is that as my belly has grown rounder and as my due date quickly approaches, talking about Hailey has become quite difficult for me.

Since Hailey passed away, I really haven't minded talking about her. I've always wanted and even "enjoyed"  opportunities to talk about her. At times I've struggled with how to answer the question "Do you have any children?" because I don't ever want to act like I never had a daughter, but answering that question honestly can be hard and awkward as I've written about before. But despite the difficulties and awkwardness, whenever I've been asked that question or a related one, I've taken a deep breath and dared to be open and mention Hailey and our loss. And I've always been able to do so with a strength and courage and perspective that allowed me to share about her with a love and joy instead of with pain and sorrow.

Lately however, it's really hard for me to share about Hailey in that way. Being in the Army, we continue to be presented with situations where we are meeting new people. Now people see that I'm pregnant and as a result we often get asked if this is our first pregnancy at which point we respond with no this is our second. I don't usually venture much further with an explanation unless there's further inquiry at which point it becomes quite hard to share our story (part of me now is hoping they don't inquire further when before I would hope they would). Most of the time when this happens lately I'm with my husband and I can look to him to answer and explain because I know I can't without crying - even as I listen to him explain I often have to hold back the tears now. As odd as it might be for someone to hear this, I still want people to know we had a daughter even though doing so has become quite hard.

I think, if I can adequately put it into words, one of the reasons I can't contain the pain and sorrow now when these questions come up is because this new pregnancy has made me miss Hailey in a new way and to a new depth. Now there is so much focus on the loss or void I have without her, whereas before I could focus on the brief time she was with us and filled our lives. Also,  I think it's because I have so much fear that after losing our first child we will also lose the one growing inside of me, the thought of which is obviously unbearable painful....

So this has been and remains a current challenge I'm experiencing as a babylost and expectant mom.