Right Where I Am: 1 year, 4 months, 4 weeks

Today's post has been inspired by this blog post that I came across via Facebook - very briefly, it's about a project that tracks the course of one's grief essentially...

So where am I today, 1 year, 4 months, and 4 weeks into my grief journey and life without Hailey?

I don't think there's any easy or simple answer for that question. Sometimes I don't even know where I am or how to categorize it. Perhaps that's because every day is different, but generally speaking, I still miss her. I still grieve. And I try my best with God's help to carry on without her.

The ache from the hole in my heart that was left behind when she left us isn't as sharp or agonizing as it used to be or as frequent as it used to be... But the hole is still there; there's still an emptiness there... That brokenness that feels as though it's become a part of who I am is something God and I continue to work on together. I know only He and He alone can and will ever make me whole and fill me up completely, but it's a hard journey and not something that happens over night.

At this point into my grief journey, the rest of the world, family, and friends have moved on. That's one of the painful parts of grief, when you're left walking it on your own, but I'm learning to do that and I am thankful for the special few who do help me remember Hailey on her birthday or on a holiday or on any random day.

Today my feelings surrounding Hailey's life and death are intertwined with my feelings surrounding my current pregnancy (and today just happens to mark 2 months to my due date). It's a definite mixture of negative and positive emotions. The grief over losing Hailey has definitely made it hard to experience hopefulness, joy, and excitement over her brother growing inside me. And I've found this stage of my grief much more difficult than say last year at this time, probably because of everything this new pregnancy has stirred up...

In a nutshell, as I've said before, the grief isn't as 'bad' as it was initially following Hailey's death, but it's still there, and some days are 'bad.' I still miss her. I still cry over her. Some days when I'm alone with my thoughts and all is quiet, the void she left is very present and results in tears. Some days the tears want to come (and often do) from something random - whether it be  a commercial on TV, a random stranger's baby girl dressed in one of the outfits Hailey used to wear,  or decorations in a friend's nursery or baby shower invite that we'd used with Hailey. I still wonder what life would have been like with her. I still have a hard time answer questions like "How many kids do you have?" "Is this your first pregnancy?" and choosing to inform them that I had a daughter who passed away...

But like I used to write about (can't remember where or I'd link to it), I try to spend more of my time in the present than in the past filled with pain or in the future which fills me with worry and fear, but it's hard... Sometimes trying to be in the present makes me lose out on remembering Hailey like I sometimes want to (which is another difficult issue I'm having lately with my grief is how to do that) and makes me lose out on dreaming of a future with her brother... But most days it's all I can do to feel sane. And so perhaps I might characterize where I am on my grief journey by comparing it to being in a battle. I feel like I'm being pulled in multiple directions with multiple and often contrasting thoughts and feelings. One day is good. The next is bad. One day I feel at peace. The next I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and discontent. One day I laugh. The next I cry and don't want to leave my bed. I'm all over the place. In fact, some days the battles get pretty bad. I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books, The Shack:

“…pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly…And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place” (p. 97).

That quote absolutely resonates with me right now. I know some days I'm venturing into a dangerous place as a result of my grief. I'm trying to remember I'm created to fly, I'm created for a purpose, I'm created to dream, I'm part of a greater plan... Some days, it's just hard for my mind to convince my heart of that because I can't see beyond the pain.

But thankfully, on these days where I'm in the midst of the battle most of the time I'm trying too hard to analyze the battle and have my past and future figured out, and in these moments, God reminds me of the same thing he reminds the main character in The Shack:

“…you don’t need to have it all figured out. Just be with Me” (p. 178).

So that's where I am today, 1 year, 4 months, 4 weeks without Hailey. Sitting in a beautiful mess of grief trying to figure it all out which tends to create more mess, all the while trying to focus on God's truth and promises and knowing that I need to stop creating this mess and just be still and be with Him... (and if this post reads like a bit of a messy rambling, I think that's just reflective of where I am right now...)