Making progress

Since writing my last post, I have had a growing sense of peace (and am even allowing myself to tip-toe toward hopes and dreams for our little boy). All I can say is that I give God all the credit and am so thankful for what he's doing in me. Does this mean all of my worries and anxieties are non-existent now? By no means, but they only take up a small fraction of my mind and heart lately, and I'm having a fairly easy time dismissing them and focusing on the positive. I only hope that the peace inside of me continues to grow and stay with me through to our little boy's birth.

Thanks to this change and the strength God blessed me with today, I spent the afternoon in the room that is going to be our little guy's nursery. Up until today the room has contained boxes and bins of items for Hailey's Hope, the nursery furniture (crib, dresser, and glider) that we had in Hailey's nursery, and the closet has been packed full of boxes labeled "nursery" which contained items I sorted through and packed away in Alabama (those gender neutral items we received before we had Hailey, which we could use again if we had another baby, boy or girl).

This afternoon I decided it was time for me to unpack the boxes and sort through items with the ultimate purpose of determining what items we still needed to buy for our little boy.  So far the plan isn't to decorate or set up his entire nursery or have everything we need for the first 6 months and beyond. The plan remains to have the necessities on hand to make it through his first month (with maybe a few special boy items included in there).

For the most part I had remembered which items I'd saved and packed away in these boxes, but there were a few 'surprises' as I unpacked. One whole box that had been labeled "baby girl," which contained blankets we'd received for Hailey, somehow wound up with the ones I was going through. Another box had Hailey's pink crib sheet and pink changing table cover mixed in with the neutral items. And yet another box of neutral clothing contained a couple of outfits Hailey had worn.

Of course just being in a room that I was getting ready to make into a nursery brought back memories of getting ready to set up Hailey's room. And of course, seeing the "surprise" items that reminded me of Hailey stopped me in my tracks a few times... I'm not really sure how to describe the experience... Maybe as a bittersweet sobering reminder that Hailey was once here... It kind of brings "her" back to reality because sometimes it feels like she was a distant dream or memory... I may have instinctively wanted to cry one or two times, but I didn't even have to push them back or try to ignore them (well maybe a little if I want to be honest). For the most part, I felt a strength to continue forward instead of being held back in sorrow.

Even going through those baby items we'd saved that we could use for our next baby, whether it was a boy or girl, brought back a lot of memories. Memories of when we'd used the same item with Hailey or thoughts of how we never were able to use a certain item with her. I looked at the car seat thinking how glad I was that the design was one we could use again with our little boy, then thinking of how tiny Hailey was compared to it and how almost ridiculous it looked whenever she was in it. I unpacked the diaper bag we'd used with her and thought of the times we'd used it and what I'd packed in it. I unpacked the baby carrier I'd learned how to use but never actually got to use with her.  Bringing out the changing pad we'd used with Hailey was probably the hardest item to look at because it's associated with so many memories of her; she spent so much time on her changing pad when she was home with us because we were contained to our living room and used it as a napping-relaxing-feeding-changing station for her.

When I was through unpacking, I was surprised at how many things we'd received when we had Hailey that we can use now with our little guy. Of course there was nothing especially designed for little boys, everything we kept that we have now to use for the little guys is neutral yellows, oranges, greens, and browns. But we do have most of our necessities covered so we can make it through the first month even starting now. There will be only a handful of items on our list to try to purchase before baby boy makes his arrival so I'm glad that won't be too overwhelming. And eventually, when he's here safe and sound, I'll be ready and excited to get "everything else" that we need. (Still haven't decided when nursery decorating will occur, but probably not for awhile still).

In the end, I managed to unpack all the boxes and even do a little sorting and organizing. Thankfully, God, my Helper, enabled me to do it without becoming an emotional mess. However, the experience did bring up a lot of memories and thoughts and emotions - which I'm able to handle at the present moment - but I can feel my Enemy ready to flip them on me and use them to bring me back to a low place as soon as he has the chance. So I'll just keep doing the only thing I know to do, and that is pray that I continue going forward with healing, hope, and peace.