I sit and force myself to take a minute to just stop and think of her...
I imagine us together here and now as if she is still with me, only she is healthy, not sick. I am holding her in my arms, rocking her back and forth as I stand gazing out the window with the soft light of the sun's setting rays hit us both. She is dressed in her soft, fleece, pink polka dotted footie outfit. Her cheeks are flush with a healthy pink glow. Her eyes are wide, wondering, and searching as she gazes at me. Together we wait for her daddy to come home. And I feel at peace.
My thoughts and feelings over the past two weeks are somewhat strange, but I guess most feelings I have as a bereaved parent are strange to me. This is one of those phases where I feel very at peace, and really okay. I feel more comfortable and confident with who I am and continuing on this journey of life without Hailey. More and more, when my mind becomes future-oriented, I am filled with a greater hope and a happiness. I am continuing to see that I cannot only survive Hailey's death, but my life will go on and it can be good still. However, some days as life goes on and continues to get busy with new pressing matters, issues, and events, I need to step back and push away everything in the present aside, and think of only her.
I can daydream like this and not be overtaken by tears or sorrow or pain. Instead, I daydream like this today and really feel a sense of peace overtake me. During times like these, I love imagining her and remembering her - it brings me so much joy to have given birth to her and known her.
But that's not to say that this phase will remain forever. Two days from now I might not be able to imagine this because even the start of this daydream might be too painful for me. Two days from now I might revert back to focusing on the loss and the pain of not having her with me - to being sorry for myself that I have to imagine it and daydream it and it will never be a reality. But today... today I can find the light in the dark place that I'm in. I can find the love that exists from Hailey's creation and life and soul in Heaven. Today, the joy overwhelms the sorry. I like days like today.
Before I go, I also have to say that I sometimes forget that grief is strange for us all. Sometimes I forget that Josh and I aren't the only ones grieving Hailey. Sometimes I feel like we are in our own bubble being attacked by grief and devastation and fighting the battle on our own. Sometimes our grief feels lonely to me like no one understands. A part of me forgets to acknowledge that Hailey's grandparents are grieving the loss of their grandbaby .... and for their children who had to bury their child. And I fail to really realize that Hailey's aunts and uncle are grieving the loss of their niece. Sometimes I forget this. Like their grief lasted only during Hailey's memorial service. Even though I am grieving, I forget that when you lose a loved one you really never stop grieving them. And all of these other people are still grieving for Hailey, and each one is grieving in his/her own way, each differently. It's almost as though my grief has given me blinders to what others are going through with losing Hailey. My grief can be so consuming that I can't see past it. I can't see or can't imagine how hard it might be for someone else because to my mind's eye no one can imagine what I'm going through.
Moreover, sometimes I assume everyone is in the same place in their grief that I am, but they're not. Visiting our families for this first time since I suffered my losses has opened my eyes more to this. It's easy to not think about since Josh and I are literally isolated from them. But I'm realizing not everyone may feel as at peace as I do on some days as today. I'm realizing even people in my family don't know how to talk to me about my grief, their grief, etc. I'm realizing that while I may smile with joy and be so proud of my scrapbook and photo albums of Hailey, not everyone can do the same. I'm realizing that while a piece of jewelry to remember Hailey by may be more difficult for others to wear. And I understand it all. I put myself in their places and I understand it. But sometimes I lose focus that this is not all about me. I am not the only one affected by Hailey's life and her loss even though sometimes I feel alone in my grief and in some ways I am but so are the others grieving her. Each person is alone in her grief because each person's grief is unique. This is not to say we do not care for one another and comfort one another, but sometimes, since grief is strange and unfamiliar, grieving together can be strange as well.
I only pray for continued healing and comfort for myself, and more importantly for the healing and comfort for everyone else who is grieving Hailey's absence as well.
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