Going home again...

On Friday I will be making the long drive from Alabama to Illinois solo. Google Maps estimates the drive taking around 15 hours. Some may think I'm crazy for choosing to drive a 15 hour trip by myself in one day instead of just flying, and I will probably think that as I'm 10 hours into the trip.  But right now I don't mind; I'm actually looking forward to the drive, and I will be bringing along some audio books, my new found traveling companion that I just can't do without when I'm on the road.

I haven't been home to Illinois since my dad's memorial service in January, and it's kind of interesting how it worked out that this trip home falls on Father's Day...

I actually have very mixed feelings about this trip, and I know that I will probably be feeling every emotion that exists while on this trip. On the one hand I am so excited and thankful for the main reason I am coming home and that is because Sunday is one of my bestest friend's wedding!! I am looking forward to having a chance to hang out with her the day before and am super excited to see her as a beautiful bride and get married! And of course, I am also excited to see my family and spend time with them. Those are pretty much the huge perks of the trip - well and the fact that I will be able to enjoy some favorite foods like Italian Beef and my favorite restaurants like Plum Garden... mmm... can't wait!

On the other hand I have some reservations about the trip and some things I'm not looking forward to. For one, I have to make the trip solo without my other half and without my puppy.  Which means having to sleep alone, which I hate - I mean I've always at least had my puppy... but not this time. Which also means going stag to my friend's wedding. And most of all which means lack of support... Which leads into the things I'm not looking forward to...

Going home means I will be able to visit my daughter's grave. I know I will visit it, and I will probably cry. While I have fully accepted that Hailey is gone, the reality of the situation when I'm at her grave, looking at the earth that covers her casket which holds her little body... is so hard... But I will go and visit her. Her gravestone finally got put in. Is it weird to say I'm looking forward to seeing it? Well I am. I think it's going to be beautiful. And of course going there without Hailey's daddy ... around Father's day... will make it that much harder...

And speaking of Father's Day... I'm not looking forward to that at all. I'll be without my husband and not being able to celebrate him for the amazing father he was to Hailey and not being able to love and support him on what could be a particularly hard day. And then there's the other issue of going home for the first time and not having my own father there...

I have had the hardest time trying to grieve both Hailey and my dad at the same time. And yes I said 'trying.' I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to do it. So I've ended up dealing with only Hailey's loss all of these months and have almost pushed aside thinking about and confronting my feelings with my dad's death. But now that I have come so far with Hailey, it's time for me to move on and start grieving my dad.

I didn't actually realize this by choice. I had dreamed about him every now and then since he'd passed, but starting a couple of weeks ago I started dreaming about him almost every night. Every dream was so real. In every dream he appeared to me looking healthier than he did at the end of his life.  In every dream he is happy. And in every dream, I'm not sure why he's there...but he's always there... And it's like the reality that he died still exists in the dream, but somehow he's there... almost like I'm seeing him in Heaven or something...

So I think my subconscious has been forced to work out my pent up, hidden, pushed aside grief for my dad. And I will say this probably also has happened not only because I was choosing to deal with Hailey first, but because I have lived away from my dad for the last 7 years. Starting in college and when I began working and Josh was finishing college, I lived 3 hours away from him, and I only saw him on breaks or special occasions when I came home or he came to visit. Then we moved here to Alabama which increased the distance between us and limited our trips to visit each other further. So in a way, even though I used to talk to him on the phone at least once a week and we emailed each other daily, being here in Alabama makes it sometimes seem like he is still back in Illinois.

This will be the first time I come home, and my dad won't be there. We won't go to breakfast together Saturday morning at Dino's Den or go to church together on Sunday morning and sit in our usual seats like we've always done... And it will be Father's Day...I won't be near my baby's father and I won't be with my own father. And as much as I've accepted that about this Father's Day, I still hate it.

Moreover, I won't go into any details because it's not appropriate and it's not the right thing to do. But I will just say that I won't be able to go to my dad's house...and I won't be able to visit his grave because he was cremated...and I don't have his ashes and don't know what's going on with them... And it all just makes this Father's Day so much worse. It makes me wonder if I will get the closure I need...

But I know really I have all the closure I do need. My dad knew he was dying of cancer. My dad knew I loved him, and I know my dad loved me. I was close to him, and we shared things that not many people know or understand. I loved and treasured our relationship, and I know he felt the same. And the day before I left from being at home for Hailey's memorial service to go back to Alabama, my dad told me he wasn't scared to die and that he remained at peace as he had since he learned he had cancer. And the last moment my dad and I shared together was a long hug, and we each said, "I love you." To me the hug between us said everything that was unspoken... we both knew it would probably be the last time we were together...we both loved each other ... and it was a final goodbye... and as good of a goodbye as someone can ask for. And over the past few years my dad got to know God is real, and I have the hope that my dad believed in and trusted in Jesus and is Heaven with Hailey.

So with all of that said... It will be hard to go home by myself. It will be hard to not have my dad there. But maybe it will make this grief actually hit me so that I can finally deal with losing him. But I am ready to grieve now... I am ready to give him the time he deserves... But I will still try to focus on all of the good things coming of this trip that I already mentioned.

P.S. Sorry if this post is too long, is a bit of a rambling, and/or contains numerous errors; it is late, I'm tired, and have a bit of a headache. And by the way, if you're wondering why this post contains so many ellipses "..." it's because that's how I write a sigh or a deep breath / pause... and I did a lot of that as I was writing...and still am apparently).