(Written last night)
What a bittersweet day…
As you can imagine, the reality of this Father’s Day is that I didn’t have much to celebrate… or maybe I should say I wasn’t able to celebrate it in the way I wish I could have…because I really do have much to celebrate. In my ideal world, I would have been celebrating this Father’s Day with my dad as well as with my husband and daughter. But instead, this was my first Father’s Day without my dad, and this was also my husband’s first Father’s Day, but without his/our daughter.
While I couldn’t celebrate with my dad, and I couldn’t celebrate with Josh and Hailey, the day was an okay day, for many reasons. And this is probably going to be a very long post because I have so much to say.
First, I kept my mind focused on how wonderful of a father Josh was to Hailey. Josh was the perfect partner through my difficult labor and of course when Hailey was born with all of her issues his concern and love for her was unmistakable. He stayed by her side in the NICU every chance he had. He touched her and loved her and did everything he could for her. I was scared to touch her when I first saw her because she had so many wires and tubes and things connected to her and looked so fragile, but he gently told me not to be afraid and encouraged me to touch her and talk to her. When we were told Hailey needed a blood transfusion, I was thinking about what that meant while Josh didn’t miss a beat and immediately inquired about giving her his blood. He wanted to do anything he could to help her. I don’t know if he’ll mind me saying this, but it was clear his heart broke for her. When we learned there was nothing we could do to treat or cure Hailey of her problems, it was hardest for Josh as Hailey’s father, protector, care-taker, etc. to be helpless and not be able to do anything to save his daughter. When we moved to a private room with Hailey it was Josh’s idea that Hailey be held constantly since she could have passed away at any moment. He wanted her final moments in someone’s arms. So for four days Hailey remained in his arms, my arms, or the arms of our family members.
Josh was quick to learn and seemed to be fearless when learning how to take care of her with feedings, morphine injections, bandage changing, and everything else. And of course when we took her home, he continued to be an amazing father –changing diapers, tube feedings, bottle feedings, burping her (remember me telling you how he had the magic touch when it came to getting her to eat and burping her? Well he did), bathing her, changing her bandage, figuring out her oxygen tanks and tubes, holding her, laying with her on his chest, rocking her, kissing her, and on and on and on the list goes with all of the amazing ways he fathered Hailey. He was the best father I could have ever imagined my child having. And not to put any other fathers down out there, but many can barely handle changing diapers let alone taking care of and loving a little baby girl with so many health problems. But he loved her as much as I did. And even since she’s been gone he’s been taking care of most everything that has followed like most of the planning for her memorial service and other related things. And even though Hailey will be gone from our lives until we both die, Josh continues to be an awesome father to his baby in heaven. And so today I really focused on how thankful I am that Hailey was blessed with such a wonderful daddy.
Then there was dealing with this day without my own dad… What helped was being comforted by such fond memories of me and my dad. I had a wonderful life with my dad and was able to pretty much do everything I wanted to ever do with him. He taught me how to fish when I was a little girl, and some of my favorite childhood memories are fishing with him at our cabin in Northern Wisconsin. He taught me how to drive a car, unofficially when I was young enough to sit on his lap and steer the car on the deserted cabin roads, and officially when I was sixteen, he was my driver’s ed teacher. He saw me through difficult times in high school and fun times like prom and graduation. One day I brought him with to my church during my college years and he started coming with me to church on Sundays ever since. We learned and grew together in our faith, which is something I treasure close to my heart above everything else. He was there when Josh proposed to me, and he was there to walk me down the aisle when we got married. We danced the father daughter dance at my wedding to the song “I loved her first” and it was the first time I realized my dad was a really good dancer. Since college we have lived far apart but like I mentioned before, we emailed each other constantly and talked at least once a week.
Not to mention, my dad wrote me a ton of letters over the years for birthdays, Christmas, and random events. I love having his words to read now that he is gone. He was full of fatherly advice and wisdom. He taught me many life lessons that shaped me into the person I am today. One of the reasons I think we were so close is because we were so much alike. I loved that we shared the same cheesy sense of humor. My dad made me laugh like no one else could.
So today I remember all of these wonderful things and more and still celebrate the fact that I had a wonderful father and am so proud of him and thankful that he was my dad. But I miss him of course. I think as time goes on missing him will get harder instead of better. I miss him calling me and hearing him say “Hey kiddo” when I answer. I miss having him to look out for me as only a father can do. I miss talking about what we were each learning in church. I miss not getting any cards or letters with his signature smiley face with a mustache. I miss his sense of humor and his laugh. … and of course so much more.
If there’s anything that I regret or that makes me really sad about losing my dad, it would be that I never told him I was sorry he was sick, that he had cancer, that he felt terrible and had to undergo so many health problems and so much pain. I wish I could have told him how sorry I was about all of that. I try to remember the good times and try to picture him when he was healthy. Thinking about how he looked in the last month of his life continues to break my heart and to be honest it makes me feel all twisted inside. I felt so bad for him but never told him. But he knew I loved him and cared for him and that’s all that matters…
And finally, last but not least, today was an okay day despite my dad being gone, Josh not having Hailey, and me being away from Josh, because today was my best friend’s wedding… it was good to have fun and celebrate for a change… and I will write about that in another post because this one is already so very long.
To josh and my dad – thank you for being the best dads a girl could ask for. I love you both.
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