As much as I don't mind talking about Hailey and actually like talking about her, I have two confessions to make that may make me seem hypocritical.
One, I have been in desperate need of a hair cut because I haven't had my hair cut since my mother-in-law last cut it when I was home when Hailey passed away (which means it's been about 5 months). My confession: I haven't gotten a haircut because I have been avoiding finding a hair stylist here in AL. Why? Because I knew I would have to explain to this person that I had a daughter, but she passed away--and this inevitability creates an awkwardness, whether minor or severe; it's always there. I just didn't want to face it. So I have been wearing my hair in a pony tail every day for the past 5 months . Luckily since I now workout often, the pony tail would have to happen anyway, but when there's an occasion whether it be church or a date with my husband, I would like to wear it down and style it, etc. But I haven't been able to do that for some time now. (Thankfully I'll be getting it cut when I head home in a couple of weeks).
Two, the other day when I was in the baby section at the PX shopping for Hailey's Hope, I saw my old neighbor with her two little girls. My confession: As soon as I saw them, I did a 180 and made a beeline straight to another department. I also think I've seen her a few times at the gym, but I always walk by quickly and never look long enough to figure out if it's her. All for the same reason: I am avoiding talking to her because I know the subject of Hailey will come up, and I haven't been ready for that conversation with her. You see she was our neighbor throughout my entire pregnancy, and she even gave me bags upon bags of gently used baby items from her little girls. She moved away right before Hailey was born, so I don't know if she knows that Hailey passed away or not...
You see I've been trying to figure out why when I know I want to talk about Hailey and share my experience with her with others that in these two situations I am so blatantly and almost fearfully avoiding doing so. In the one case it would be a stranger, a hair stylist who I'd never met, and in the other case it would be someone I knew while I was pregnant with Hailey. So what was/ is my deal? I figured out what they have in common and why I'm avoiding them and talking about Hailey: because they don't know my daughter died.
I realized I still struggle to tell people who aren't expecting to hear that news. That is the hardest. The looks on their faces, the pause in conversation, the not knowing what to say... It's when people go from talking to me in a happy, upbeat, carefree way asking me if I have kids or how the baby's doing - something so innocent and so natural in conversations - and then when they hear my answer it's like I slapped them in the face...it's the awkwardness. I always do my best to judge their reactions to determine what I should say next - continue to talk about her (which I don't mind) or change subjects (which is fine too). It's just that 'moment' that I still dread and apparently will do anything to avoid.
So all these times I think and say I love talking about Hailey and nothing makes me happier - what I'm saying is true. But I guess it's to people who already have some idea of what's happened. Telling people that my daughter died when they aren't expecting it - whether they're strangers or people we know - that's where it's still hard. Avoid them as I might, sometimes those situations are unavoidable...
The other weekend when we were at the dog beach with Opie and our friends and their dog, another couple arrived with their dog. The woman, who was noticeably older than myself, was pregnant and proceeded to talk me as though I had no idea what it was like to be pregnant or have a baby along with a dog. It's an easy assumption to make considering there we were, a young couple playing with our dog, no child in sight, no bump in my belly, but don't people know they should never assume...? Well months ago I made the decision that I would never act like Hailey didn't exist. So I casually and gently told her that I had a daughter who passed away in January and continued to tell her how wonderful Opie was with her. She kind of paused, didn't look at me, and proceeded to tell me how she was sorry to hear that and how someone she knew recently lost her baby. The conversation was okay, but I could tell during that pause it was like a stick your foot in your mouth type of moment for her.
So those are my 'confessions.' I'm still trying to navigate these situations when they come up and trying to learn to face them instead of avoid them. And just for the record, I really do like talking about Hailey - I just don't necessarily like having to break the news to unsuspecting people that she died...
You are not being hypocritical, you are being human and still mourning. Those stages are grief take longer to wade through the deeper the loss. When other parents are proud of their kids' accomplishments, there will always be a feeling (that you see as inappropriate) that you should be happy for them but sometimes you just feel robbed and you were. It's not fair, you may never know the reasons for this to happen, but I think you are being very strong and focusing your attentions well... whatever my opinion's worth.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. Although our situations are different I still do feel awkward having to explain why I live with my aunt and uncle, and not my birth mother.
ReplyDeleteI love telling my story to people who I know and know will be happy to listen, but not knowing how someone I don't know very well will react makes me nervous and I tend to avoid the subject altogether.
I can relate. When people ask me how many siblings I have, and things like that, I don't feel right telling them "none," because to me, that is not true. I have a brother, but he is in Heaven. People tend to have the "foot in your mouth" face when I explain, and it makes for some awkwardness, but I wouldn't feel right saying that I am an only child. In a few situations, I have actually said that I was an only child, just to avoid the awkward conversation, and I always felt guilty about it afterward. I usually tend to tell people, no matter how I think they will react, because it is better for me emotionally.
ReplyDeleteI had a foot in mouth moment with a patient once-After her knee replacement, I told her I'd have her "up and dancing in no time". She burst into tears and told me her husband had died 10 years prior and they used to dance every night. I felt like such a jerk for even mentioning the word dancing. It's amazing how such an offhand comment can have such a huge reaction though, and you never know what someone's background is. There's no good/easy way to communicate what you need to communicate to people.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry about the hair dresser though. Those conversations tend to be so superficial-I've never had one ask me a question that could be personal in any way, other than what my plans for the day were. Usually it's all that fluffy talk-how the weather has been, what hair products to use :-P Besides, the ponytail is a cute look :)