Vacation Recap (Photo Style)

Today marks the end of my 2 week 'vacation' which included a week spent in Illinois visiting friends and family and a week of my mom visiting us here in Alabama. It has been a busy but enjoyable two weeks.

Looking back on it all I can see that I really needed the time I spent with my friends and family who I rarely get to see now that the Army has us. Living so far away from them all can be really difficult, and I really miss them all. It was especially difficult after losing Hailey and my dad. Besides Josh, I've had none of my friends or family close by - most of them are 1000 miles away from me. I had made several good friends here in Alabama, but the military, with its impeccable timing, took them all away from me in the time between Hailey being born and passing away. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely alone, my friends and family did what they could, and there were still a few friends who helped us through here in AL - but essentially, during the most difficult time of my life, I have not had my family and friends near me. It had been about 6 months since I had seen most of them. So going home to be with them and being able to spend some extra time with my mom was a huge blessing and something I really needed.

So I wanted to share the joys and blessings that have occurred during my 2 week vacation with some pictures...

I was able to visit with my bestest friend, Ilea, and her fiance (now husband - not pictured) at their pre-wedding BBQ.

Sunday, June 20, 2010, I witnessed and celebrated with my friend as she got married! (And read a beautiful little word on marriage during her ceremony).

The happy bride and groom tying the knot! Love this picture of her dress and veil!

I was able to spend an evening with my brother, my nephew, and my sister-in-law. This is a picture of my brother giving my nephew an underdog! Love them and wish I could have spent more time with them.

I was also able to spend some quality girl time with Josh's mom and sisters. This is a picture of one of his sisters and me at The Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. Love them all!

And of course, a picture from my mom's visit this past week - this is us at St. Andrews State Park in Panama City Beach, FL. We had a wonderful time together at the beach, eating out, shopping, watching movies, etc.

So all in all, I enjoyed my two weeks spent with family and friends and filled with lots of joy and lots of love. Miss and love them all!

And so it rains today...

Here's another attempt at describing how I feel every day as a mother who lost her first and only baby... a glimpse through my window...

Most days it feels like I am sitting inside of my heart, my home, and it's raining outside. I sit alone, in a small space, absentmindedly, in a daze, looking out the window of my heart into a world covered by gray clouds releasing a constant rainfall. Some days it's a light rainfall; other days it's a downpour. But nonetheless, rain constantly drums down on the rooftop and raindrops constantly tap against the window pane.

Some days, like yesterday, a ray of sunshine breaks through and sunlight pours in through the window and rests on me. Even though I can see a sliver of sun, the rain never ceases. So with the brief ray of sun that shines through the gray clouds and rain, appears a delicate, transparent, rainbow. Then inevitably, the clouds move by to once again hide the sun and erase the rainbow.

It's always raining in my heart, but there are some moments with the sun and rainbows and some moments where it's not raining so heavily... and I live for those moments. Those small, fleeting moments of happiness and hope, but it's always raining in my heart.

This morning as it rained in my heart I searched for sources of sunshine and perhaps even a rainbow, but they didn't come. Instead this morning as I sat in church, it just rained and rained in my heart. And some days when it rains like that the rain overflows and trickles out through my eyes and down my cheeks. Today I did all I could to keep the rain from overflowing as I sat in the middle of the church service.

Why? This morning a mother and father sat with their newborn baby girl directly in the row in front of me. I couldn't see the worship band or the pastor or anything else that I was supposed to be seeing. Instead, for about an hour, all I saw was this mother holding her baby girl over her shoulder so that the baby girl's face was no more than a few feet away from my own.

God, don't you know how much pain that brings me - the sight of a mother with her new baby right in front of me like it's being rubbed in my face that that's not me and that's not Hailey? And really God, don't you know that I can't focus on you or worship you or learn more about you when I am so distracted by the sight in front of me? Why God?

Yes, being around babies and their mothers is still difficult. It's especially difficult when they're right in front of you - literally right in front of your face - and you can't do anything to avoid them (although I will admit I contemplated removing myself from the situation and sitting elsewhere). And it's especially hard when that baby is a girl, and when that baby reminds me so much of Hailey... tiny nose, tiny lips, sleeping soundly with her mouth wide open. Boy did that baby and that mother pull on my heart strings this morning... I longed to be in that mother's place. To hold Hailey like she held her daughter. To say it made me miss Hailey and made me sad is a complete understatement...

And of course, it brought back those questions that I will never have answered this side of Heaven... God, why did you let her keep her baby and allow them to be in this moment together... and in front of me? Why was my baby taken from me? Why them? Why us? Why Hailey? Why me? Those same-old-never-ending questions that I have to be at peace with remaining unanswered for awhile...

And so it rains today...and I sit and wait for the sun and hope for the rainbow...

Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. ~Genesis 9:14-15

(And how ironic that as I write this it begins to rain...)

'Behind the Smile'

I try to keep this blog as a place for me, my feelings and my thoughts, but every so often I encounter a poem or a post written by another grieving mother that captures the grief we share in a way that I sometimes struggle to.

Putting my grief into words isn't always easy because, well, quite frankly it's so complicated sometimes I just don't know how to articulate things I feel or experience as a bereaved mother. So that's why I wanted to share this poem... I didn't write it, but some days I live it.

Please click and read.

"Behind the Smile" by Franchesca - Handprints from Heaven

There's the smile...

And there's the missing piece of my heart ...

(Pictures taken today from the trip I took to Panama City Beach with my mom - more to come on that later. :) )

Reflections: my grief vs. others'

I sit and force myself to take a minute to just stop and think of her...

I imagine us together here and now as if she is still with me, only she is healthy, not sick. I am holding her in my arms, rocking her back and forth as I stand gazing out the window with the soft light of the sun's setting rays hit us both. She is dressed in her soft, fleece, pink polka dotted footie outfit. Her cheeks are flush with a healthy pink glow. Her eyes are wide, wondering, and searching as she gazes at me. Together we wait for her daddy to come home. And I feel at peace. 

My thoughts and feelings over the past two weeks are somewhat strange, but I guess most feelings I have as a bereaved parent are strange to me. This is one of those phases where I feel very at peace, and really okay. I feel more comfortable and confident with who I am and continuing on this journey of life without Hailey. More and more, when my mind becomes future-oriented, I am filled with a greater hope and a happiness. I am continuing to see that I cannot only survive Hailey's death, but my life will go on and it can be good still. However, some days as life goes on and continues to get busy with new pressing matters, issues, and events, I need to step back and push away everything in the present aside, and think of only her.

I can daydream like this and not be overtaken by tears or sorrow or pain. Instead, I daydream like this today and really feel a sense of peace overtake me. During times like these, I love imagining her and remembering her - it brings me so much joy to have given birth to her and known her.

But that's not to say that this phase will remain forever. Two days from now I might not be able to imagine this because even the start of this daydream might be too painful for me. Two days from now I might revert back to focusing on the loss and the pain of not having her with me - to being sorry for myself that I have to imagine it and daydream it and it will never be a reality. But today... today I can find the light in the dark place that I'm in. I can find the love that exists from Hailey's creation and life and soul in Heaven. Today, the joy overwhelms the sorry. I like days like today.

Before I go, I also have to say that I sometimes forget that grief is strange for us all. Sometimes I forget that Josh and I aren't the only ones grieving Hailey. Sometimes I feel like we are in our own bubble being attacked by grief and devastation and fighting the battle on our own. Sometimes our grief feels lonely to me like no one understands. A part of me forgets to acknowledge that Hailey's grandparents are grieving the loss of their grandbaby .... and for their children who had to bury their child. And I fail to really realize that Hailey's aunts and uncle are grieving the loss of their niece. Sometimes I forget this. Like their grief lasted only during Hailey's memorial service. Even though I am grieving, I forget that when you lose a loved one you really never stop grieving them. And all of these other people are still grieving for Hailey, and each one is grieving in his/her own way, each differently. It's almost as though my grief has given me blinders to what others are going through with losing Hailey. My grief can be so consuming that I can't see past it. I can't see or can't imagine how hard it might be for someone else because to my mind's eye no one can imagine what I'm going through.

Moreover, sometimes I assume everyone is in the same place in their grief that I am, but they're not. Visiting our families for this first time since I suffered my losses has opened my eyes more to this. It's easy to not think about since Josh and I are literally isolated from them. But I'm realizing not everyone may feel as at peace as I do on some days as today. I'm realizing even people in my family don't know how to talk to me about my grief, their grief, etc. I'm realizing that while I may smile with joy and be so proud of my scrapbook and photo albums of Hailey, not everyone can do the same. I'm realizing that while a piece of jewelry to remember Hailey by may be more difficult for others to wear. And I understand it all. I put myself in their places and I understand it. But sometimes I lose focus that this is not all about me. I am not the only one affected by Hailey's life and her loss even though sometimes I feel alone in my grief and in some ways I am but so are the others grieving her. Each person is alone in her grief because each person's grief is unique. This is not to say we do not care for one another and comfort one another, but sometimes, since grief is strange and unfamiliar, grieving together can be strange as well.

I only pray for continued healing and comfort for myself, and more importantly for the healing and comfort for everyone else who is grieving Hailey's absence as well.

Hailey's Gravestone

I forgot to include the pictures of Hailey's gravestone in my last post...

...thinking of her...

(written last night)

On Sunday morning, Father’s Day, I made a quick stop and visited Hailey’s grave. I was eager to finally see her gravestone. In a way I was glad I only had a few minutes to stop by because I know I wasn’t ready emotionally to handle “really” visiting her by myself, without Josh. Before going to see her I went to the store and bought a single, pink rose; a symbolic Father’s Day present from Josh and I to her.

The last time I had been to Hailey’s grave was when I was home for my dad’s memorial service in January. It was freezing cold, the ground was frozen but you could still see the fresh dirt that covered where she was buried, and it was covered with snow. Then, me, Josh, and his dad put a simple white cross in the frozen ground to mark her grave until her gravestone could be ordered and put in it.

Now on this Sunday in June I was by myself. It was partly cloudy and warm. The grass was green, and I could see the newly growing grass over her grave. The cross was gone and her gravestone put in its place. I am so pleased with how it turned out. I never thought I would or could say that a gravestone, something with such a morbid connotation attached to it, could be beautiful, but hers is beautiful.

I admired her gravestone for a moment, so happy that she finally had one, and had a beautiful one at that. And then I gave ‘her’ the pink rose. I know she’s not there, but I said a quick “I love you” and “goodbye,” and I was on my way. I know if I stayed a moment longer I would have lost and I couldn’t let myself get to that place that day.

That is the only time I’ve visited her grave so far since I’ve been home, but I wish I had more time to visit her. It feels strange that a part of me longs to sit in front of her grave and talk to her and spend the whole day there… I suppose that’s why some people have benches as grave markers and such. I never understood the concept until now. I thought maybe it was more for people who couldn’t let go and accept that their loved one had moved on. But I don’t think that’s always the case now that I’m in the position that I’m in.

Tomorrow I think I will try to go and visit her one more time before I leave to head back to Alabama. I hope to stay longer this time. I think I need to let out a good cry while I’m there too… It makes me miss her so much. Some days it still doesn’t seem real that I had a baby and she died. But when I go and visit her grave, there’s no doubting or escaping the reality. She was here, and now she is gone. And the fact remains that no matter how much my grief is healed, my heart will always break over losing her.

On a separate, but somewhat related note, the other day I finally had someone say one of those things you should never say to someone who has lost a baby. I won’t get into the details of the circumstance, but I will say she was a stranger, and what she said came from good intentions, not insensitivity.

I told her briefly about Hailey. She asked me if we were thinking of having any more kids. I told her that someday when we are ready we would like to continue our family and have another baby. She responded by saying something like, “Well that’s good. I’m sure that will help” (referring to my grief). Such an innocent comment, not meant to offend or anything, and some people reading this may not see her error, but I wanted to tell her this:

No having another baby will not help. Maybe it will help the part of me that was a mother that died because I can mother again. But really having another baby will not help the fact that we lost our first baby. Babies are not interchangeable or replaceable. Having another baby will not bring my Hailey back. Even if we have another baby, Hailey is still dead. Nothing will ever “help” that fact and my grief over losing her.

Actually from what I’ve read and heard and can imagine, many couples who have lost a child find that having another child brings about a second round of grieving so to speak. Another child is a blessing of course and brings countless and precious joys with it, but for the parents who have already buried one baby, having another also brings with pain related to losing the first child and related to the fears of losing the new child.

So many people just don’t understand and really can’t understand unless they’ve walked in my shoes. I feel it so often… that people just don’t understand… and that my life story which includes losing my daughter becomes uncomfortable and even awkward with so many people… Like that poem I posted awhile back says, these shoes I wear can be uncomfortable and don’t feel right and I don’t wish this pair of shoes on anyone else. And for those reasons, a part of me was relieved that at my friend’s wedding no one I met asked me if I had any children. I have really come to dread that question. But I hate that I dread it and a part of me hates that I was relieved…

And lastly, there was tonight when I was able to visit my nephew who is just over a year and a half old. I loved spending time with him, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit it was hard to be there. Watching him, I couldn’t stop myself from imagining him with Hailey or imagining what Hailey would be like at his age and knowing I will never know. My nephew would laugh and smile, and all I could do was wonder what Hailey’s laugh and smile would have been like… or he would swing in his swing or play with his toys, and all I could do was think of how I will never see Hailey do those things and so much more. I love my nephew to pieces and hate living so far away from him and the rest of my family, but honestly, being around him can be really hard … and that’s just something else I hate that is true. I wish it wasn’t hard, and I did my best to pretend that it wasn’t, but it was…

So sorry if this post was a bit of rambling again… this is just another honest glimpse into my life without my baby who I miss terribly…

Belated Father's Day Thoughts

(Written last night)

What a bittersweet day…

As you can imagine, the reality of this Father’s Day is that I didn’t have much to celebrate… or maybe I should say I wasn’t able to celebrate it in the way I wish I could have…because I really do have much to celebrate. In my ideal world, I would have been celebrating this Father’s Day with my dad as well as with my husband and daughter. But instead, this was my first Father’s Day without my dad, and this was also my husband’s first Father’s Day, but without his/our daughter.

While I couldn’t celebrate with my dad, and I couldn’t celebrate with Josh and Hailey, the day was an okay day, for many reasons.  And this is probably going to be a very long post because I have so much to say.

First, I kept my mind focused on how wonderful of a father Josh was to Hailey. Josh was the perfect partner through my difficult labor and of course when Hailey was born with all of her issues his concern and love for her was unmistakable. He stayed by her side in the NICU every chance he had. He touched her and loved her and did everything he could for her. I was scared to touch her when I first saw her because she had so many wires and tubes and things connected to her and looked so fragile, but he gently told me not to be afraid and encouraged me to touch her and talk to her. When we were told Hailey needed a blood transfusion, I was thinking about what that meant while Josh didn’t miss a beat and immediately inquired about giving her his blood. He wanted to do anything he could to help her. I don’t know if he’ll mind me saying this, but it was clear his heart broke for her. When we learned there was nothing we could do to treat or cure Hailey of her problems, it was hardest for Josh as Hailey’s father, protector, care-taker, etc. to be helpless and not be able to do anything to save his daughter. When we moved to a private room with Hailey it was Josh’s idea that Hailey be held constantly since she could have passed away at any moment. He wanted her final moments in someone’s arms. So for four days Hailey remained in his arms, my arms, or the arms of our family members.

Josh was quick to learn and seemed to be fearless when learning how to take care of her with feedings, morphine injections, bandage changing, and everything else. And of course when we took her home, he continued to be an amazing father –changing diapers, tube feedings, bottle feedings, burping her (remember me telling you how he had the magic touch when it came to getting her to eat and burping her? Well he did), bathing her, changing her bandage, figuring out her oxygen tanks and tubes, holding her, laying with her on his chest, rocking her, kissing her, and on and on and on the list goes with all of the amazing ways he fathered Hailey. He was the best father I could have ever imagined my child having. And not to put any other fathers down out there, but many can barely handle changing diapers let alone taking care of and loving a little baby girl with so many health problems. But he loved her as much as I did. And even since she’s been gone he’s been taking care of most everything that has followed like most of the planning for her memorial service and other related things. And even though Hailey will be gone from our lives until we both die, Josh continues to be an awesome father to his baby in heaven. And so today I really focused on how thankful I am that Hailey was blessed with such a wonderful daddy.

Then there was dealing with this day without my own dad… What helped was being comforted by such fond memories of me and my dad. I had a wonderful life with my dad and was able to pretty much do everything I wanted to ever do with him. He taught me how to fish when I was a little girl, and some of my favorite childhood memories are fishing with him at our cabin in Northern Wisconsin. He taught me how to drive a car, unofficially when I was young enough to sit on his lap and steer the car on the deserted cabin roads, and officially when I was sixteen, he was my driver’s ed teacher. He saw me through difficult times in high school and fun times like prom and graduation. One day I brought him with to my church during my college years and he started coming with me to church on Sundays ever since. We learned and grew together in our faith, which is something I treasure close to my heart above everything else. He was there when Josh proposed to me, and he was there to walk me down the aisle when we got married. We danced the father daughter dance at my wedding to the song “I loved her first” and it was the first time I realized my dad was a really good dancer. Since college we have lived far apart but like I mentioned before, we emailed each other constantly and talked at least once a week.

Not to mention, my dad wrote me a ton of letters over the years for birthdays, Christmas, and random events. I love having his words to read now that he is gone. He was full of fatherly advice and wisdom. He taught me many life lessons that shaped me into the person I am today. One of the reasons I think we were so close is because we were so much alike. I loved that we shared the same cheesy sense of humor. My dad made me laugh like no one else could.

So today I remember all of these wonderful things and more and still celebrate the fact that I had a wonderful father and am so proud of him and thankful that he was my dad. But I miss him of course. I think as time goes on missing him will get harder instead of better. I miss him calling me and hearing him say “Hey kiddo” when I answer. I miss having him to look out for me as only a father can do. I miss talking about what we were each learning in church. I miss not getting any cards or letters with his signature smiley face with a mustache. I miss his sense of humor and his laugh. … and of course so much more.

If there’s anything that I regret or that makes me really sad about losing my dad, it would be that I never told him I was sorry he was sick, that he had cancer, that he felt terrible and had to undergo so many health problems and so much pain. I wish I could have told him how sorry I was about all of that. I try to remember the good times and try to picture him when he was healthy. Thinking about how he looked in the last month of his life continues to break my heart and to be honest it makes me feel all twisted inside. I felt so bad for him but never told him. But he knew I loved him and cared for him and that’s all that matters…

And finally, last but not least, today was an okay day despite my dad being gone, Josh not having Hailey, and me being away from Josh, because today was my best friend’s wedding… it was good to have fun and celebrate for a change… and I will write about that in another post because this one is already so very long.

To josh and my dad – thank you for being the best dads a girl could ask for. I love you both.

Greetings from IL

Well I made the drive safely to IL in 15 hours. Got in late last night. I am writing a quick post at a Panera on the way to a BBQ to see my friend and her hubby to celebrate their wedding tomorrow!

I am so deprived of the Internet here! I don't pay for Internet on my cell and my mom has sloooooooow dial up. So I'm trying to get Internet when and where I can. :) So that's all - got here safely - and have a busy few days while I'm here. Hopefully I can write at least one good post while I'm here because I have lots to talk about!

Going home again...

On Friday I will be making the long drive from Alabama to Illinois solo. Google Maps estimates the drive taking around 15 hours. Some may think I'm crazy for choosing to drive a 15 hour trip by myself in one day instead of just flying, and I will probably think that as I'm 10 hours into the trip.  But right now I don't mind; I'm actually looking forward to the drive, and I will be bringing along some audio books, my new found traveling companion that I just can't do without when I'm on the road.

I haven't been home to Illinois since my dad's memorial service in January, and it's kind of interesting how it worked out that this trip home falls on Father's Day...

I actually have very mixed feelings about this trip, and I know that I will probably be feeling every emotion that exists while on this trip. On the one hand I am so excited and thankful for the main reason I am coming home and that is because Sunday is one of my bestest friend's wedding!! I am looking forward to having a chance to hang out with her the day before and am super excited to see her as a beautiful bride and get married! And of course, I am also excited to see my family and spend time with them. Those are pretty much the huge perks of the trip - well and the fact that I will be able to enjoy some favorite foods like Italian Beef and my favorite restaurants like Plum Garden... mmm... can't wait!

On the other hand I have some reservations about the trip and some things I'm not looking forward to. For one, I have to make the trip solo without my other half and without my puppy.  Which means having to sleep alone, which I hate - I mean I've always at least had my puppy... but not this time. Which also means going stag to my friend's wedding. And most of all which means lack of support... Which leads into the things I'm not looking forward to...

Going home means I will be able to visit my daughter's grave. I know I will visit it, and I will probably cry. While I have fully accepted that Hailey is gone, the reality of the situation when I'm at her grave, looking at the earth that covers her casket which holds her little body... is so hard... But I will go and visit her. Her gravestone finally got put in. Is it weird to say I'm looking forward to seeing it? Well I am. I think it's going to be beautiful. And of course going there without Hailey's daddy ... around Father's day... will make it that much harder...

And speaking of Father's Day... I'm not looking forward to that at all. I'll be without my husband and not being able to celebrate him for the amazing father he was to Hailey and not being able to love and support him on what could be a particularly hard day. And then there's the other issue of going home for the first time and not having my own father there...

I have had the hardest time trying to grieve both Hailey and my dad at the same time. And yes I said 'trying.' I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to do it. So I've ended up dealing with only Hailey's loss all of these months and have almost pushed aside thinking about and confronting my feelings with my dad's death. But now that I have come so far with Hailey, it's time for me to move on and start grieving my dad.

I didn't actually realize this by choice. I had dreamed about him every now and then since he'd passed, but starting a couple of weeks ago I started dreaming about him almost every night. Every dream was so real. In every dream he appeared to me looking healthier than he did at the end of his life.  In every dream he is happy. And in every dream, I'm not sure why he's there...but he's always there... And it's like the reality that he died still exists in the dream, but somehow he's there... almost like I'm seeing him in Heaven or something...

So I think my subconscious has been forced to work out my pent up, hidden, pushed aside grief for my dad. And I will say this probably also has happened not only because I was choosing to deal with Hailey first, but because I have lived away from my dad for the last 7 years. Starting in college and when I began working and Josh was finishing college, I lived 3 hours away from him, and I only saw him on breaks or special occasions when I came home or he came to visit. Then we moved here to Alabama which increased the distance between us and limited our trips to visit each other further. So in a way, even though I used to talk to him on the phone at least once a week and we emailed each other daily, being here in Alabama makes it sometimes seem like he is still back in Illinois.

This will be the first time I come home, and my dad won't be there. We won't go to breakfast together Saturday morning at Dino's Den or go to church together on Sunday morning and sit in our usual seats like we've always done... And it will be Father's Day...I won't be near my baby's father and I won't be with my own father. And as much as I've accepted that about this Father's Day, I still hate it.

Moreover, I won't go into any details because it's not appropriate and it's not the right thing to do. But I will just say that I won't be able to go to my dad's house...and I won't be able to visit his grave because he was cremated...and I don't have his ashes and don't know what's going on with them... And it all just makes this Father's Day so much worse. It makes me wonder if I will get the closure I need...

But I know really I have all the closure I do need. My dad knew he was dying of cancer. My dad knew I loved him, and I know my dad loved me. I was close to him, and we shared things that not many people know or understand. I loved and treasured our relationship, and I know he felt the same. And the day before I left from being at home for Hailey's memorial service to go back to Alabama, my dad told me he wasn't scared to die and that he remained at peace as he had since he learned he had cancer. And the last moment my dad and I shared together was a long hug, and we each said, "I love you." To me the hug between us said everything that was unspoken... we both knew it would probably be the last time we were together...we both loved each other ... and it was a final goodbye... and as good of a goodbye as someone can ask for. And over the past few years my dad got to know God is real, and I have the hope that my dad believed in and trusted in Jesus and is Heaven with Hailey.

So with all of that said... It will be hard to go home by myself. It will be hard to not have my dad there. But maybe it will make this grief actually hit me so that I can finally deal with losing him. But I am ready to grieve now... I am ready to give him the time he deserves... But I will still try to focus on all of the good things coming of this trip that I already mentioned.

P.S. Sorry if this post is too long, is a bit of a rambling, and/or contains numerous errors; it is late, I'm tired, and have a bit of a headache. And by the way, if you're wondering why this post contains so many ellipses "..." it's because that's how I write a sigh or a deep breath / pause... and I did a lot of that as I was writing...and still am apparently).

We did it!

With your help and thanks to God's blessings! On Friday, June 11th, Hailey's Hope successfully delivered 36 basic NICU gift bags to The Children's Hospital of Alabama where Hailey stayed!

This is where words tend to fail me because they just can't show you how warm and fuzzy and happy and full of joy and love and hope my heart is because we were able to give to others who are in a similar situation that we were in 6 months ago, and they can't show you how excited and grateful and blessed I felt as I put together the bags, loaded them up in the car, and walked them into the hospital. So you will just have to take my word for how I have been feeling all of these wonderful emotions!

This trip to the hospital was our second time back since we were there with Hailey in December. The first trip back was going to see the geneticist which was much less anticipated and less wonderful than this trip. This trip was great. It wasn't difficult for me to be back there at all, and I really attribute that to the fact that the hospital does such a wonderful job at creating a positive, welcoming environment, which in my experience is hard for any hospital or doctor's office to do. But on Friday the place was bright with sunshine, filled with cute colorful pieces of artwork all around, what looked like a group of high school students on a tour of the hospital for field trip or something, and the smiling faces of hospital employees, oh and I can't forget with those adorable little red carts. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

So of course I was looking forward to this trip to the hospital because I am so eager for our bags to get into the hands of families who need them. Josh had permission to leave training early to do the delivery with me, which I was very thankful for. We actually ended up having more time than we needed to get there so I took my time driving and Josh napped.

We pulled in front of the hospital just before 4pm and waited for our contact to meet us in the lobby. We had it arranged that we would drop off the bags in the lobby and the NICU employees would bring the bags up to the NICU since only patients' families are allowed there. I had thought that more than one person with more than one cart was going to be there, but there was only my contact with one little red wagon. But she reassured me that she was more than happy and capable to bring the bags up to the NICUs by herself. So she loaded as many bags as she could into the wagon and on her shoulders while Josh and I carried the remaining bags into the lobby where we were instructed to place the bags behind the information desk with the woman working there - the other woman would then make several trips to bring the rest of the bags up.

As we unloaded the bags from the car into the lobby of the hospital, the women working there told me how happy and thankful they were for our donation. One woman commented that she could tell how much love went into each bag, and another said that so many babies are going to be so blessed to be receiving such wonderful things. Those comments made me so happy because those are my same thoughts and hopes. Then once all of the bags were unloaded, I filled out a simple donation form and that was that! We were in and out in less than 5 minutes.

I knew it would be long drive there and back for only a 5 minute drop off, but it was still somewhat anti-climactic in a way. I think I felt similar to what I imagine a mother feels like on her child's first day of school. All of that work and anticipation leading up to that moment and then she lets go, watches her child walk through the door, and her child is off on his own. She can't do anything but sit back, watch them go, and hope for the best. And that's what I did. I watched our bags go on that little red wagon down the hall as they made their way to the NICU hoping that they would bless the families that receive them.

But the trip was awesome, and I enjoy imagining the wonderful possibilities of what will come because of those bags... :)

To read a post I wrote on the Project Sweet Peas blog about our first set of donations click here.

So what's next for Hailey's Hope?

Well I will be taking the rest of the month off from working on Hailey's Hope for the most part. At the end of this week I'll be traveling back home to IL for almost a week and then my mom is going to drive back down here with me and stay with us for a few days - and that brings us to the beginning of July! My how time flies!

I haven't decided exactly how I want to organize our next set of donations. I'm debating on whether I want to try to do a donation in the fall and then another one on Hailey's birthday or if I just want to focus on a really large donation on Hailey's birthday. I do know that I will be arranging some fun fundraisers this next time around. I will keep you updated on the details as they come, but until then please remember that Hailey's Hope is on-going and we are always welcoming donations!

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10

Triggered Grief, Unfair Life, Incomplete Love

It's the morning after delivering Hailey's Hope's bags to UAB, and I feel that I should be happier than I am. Instead, that familiar, uncomfortable emptiness of missing Hailey has taken over and left no room for me to feel all the joy that I want to be feeling. I wanted to write a post about the delivery, not my grief. But I am writing about it because writing provides a small bit of relief and comfort.

So what triggered my empty heart and led me back to the place of deep sorrow? No, it didn't have anything to do with delivering her bags yesterday as you might think. The triggers tend to be a picture of a baby or the familiar comments of a pregnant woman rejoicing in the doctor's confirmed health of her and the baby she is carrying, and that's what it is this time. What I don't understand is that some days I can look at pictures of babies and read or hear about those types of comments and be just fine, when other times like now they pierce my heart and deflate it.

As this trigger confronted me, a part of me became enraged in sadness and quietly screamed inside that my baby and I were continually given healthy reports too. I was continually told her heartbeat is strong, her size is good, she's in the right position, she looks healthy, she's doing great...I was told everything that every woman carrying  a child wants to hear. But they were wrong. Sometimes I can't get over the fact that everything was 'normal', and I went into the hospital in labor expecting to have my healthy baby girl placed on my chest and leave with her in a couple of days. Instead the opposite happened. It was unexpected. It was terrifying. It was my worst fear. Not only was my baby girl not healthy like they thought, but she was going to die. How do you ever come to terms with that kind of unexpected, shocking truth?

In one day my life completely and unexpectedly changed. I went from being the typical happy mom-to-be with baby showers being thrown for me/us, joyfully decorating the nursery, shopping for new and gently used items that we would need for her first year, preparing as much as possible for bringing this baby into the world....to being confronted with my baby's countless health problems, living out of a suitcase at a Ronald McDonald House and in the hospital for a week, learning she was going to die, preparing for her death, to becoming a babylost mother. My soul aches from that change. A part of me wonders that if knowing there was something wrong with Hailey from the very beginning would have made a difference in the end, because in the end the result is the same...

I know this isn't the first time that I've written about how seeing and hearing of pregnant women happily and eagerly anticipating the arrival of their new healthy baby just makes me want to scream out that was me, that was me, I did that too, I thought that too, and look where I am now. And I don't know why I want to scream it out, but I do.  Maybe it's the part of me that thinks life isn't fair but it should be... But here I am still struggling with the same thing. I wonder if it will always be this way with the same things suddenly bringing my grief to life again.

And that's not the only thing I'm struggling with today. I'm struggling with loving her. I feel as if I was robbed of the time to get to know my daughter and fall completely in love with her. Don't misunderstand me; I love Hailey, always have and always will. But sometimes like today I struggle with my love not being whole or complete enough. How do you love someone who isn't here? Sure you can feel you love them, but you can't tell them, you can't show them, you can't kiss them, you can't hold them...You can't know that they know. There are other things I do now to show my love for her  and carry on her memory like talking about her, planting a flower in her memory, Hailey's Hope, etc. but I feel like it's not love at it's best. It's not love as it could be or as it should be.

Even when she was with us, I now feel as though I didn't love her enough. I had a difficult time sharing her with so many people - nurses, doctors, friends, family members. I knew they needed their time with her too so I gave it to them, but all the while I just wanted her to myself. I didn't want to share her, but I did. And there are sometimes, like today, when a part of me wishes I didn't share her, and I had kept her all to myself. Then maybe I wouldn't feel like I didn't love her enough, hold her enough...

Sometimes I feel as though my heart was incapable of fully showing her my love when she was with us because it was already in the stage of mourning. My heart was crowded with fears, worries, sorrows, and grief - how can you completely and fully pour out your love on someone when the love is being crowded out by all of those other emotions and thoughts? I did my best to tell her and show her I loved her while she was with us. But what if it wasn't my best? The problem with grief is that it brings with guilt and feelings of it not being good enough. What if I love her more now than I did when she was with us? Am I a terrible mother if that's true? Is it true?

Last night I silently cried myself to sleep. The only thing allowing peace and sleep to come to me was something you might consider me crazy for doing, unless you have lost a child or close loved one and love Jesus as I do. As I cried, I prayed. Longing and needing to be held as I longed to hold Hailey, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Jesus and Hailey being with me right then and there in that moment. I needed and wanted them both. I imagined Jesus lying next to me wrapping me in his arms as a Father holding his child, stroking my hair, trying to soothe me. I imagined Hailey in my arms. And this is where I think I transitioned from imagining to dreaming. In my mind Hailey was older than she should have been, maybe closer to 9 months. I saw her, a vague, blurry image of her that I couldn't quite focus on, smiling and giggling at me. Gently touching my face with her chubby baby hands as though she was searching for something. She touched my tears and wiped them away for me; then she crawled and climbed all over me like she was playing with me. And that's the last thing I remember...

I woke up this morning hoping that 'though my sorrows may last for the night, my joy comes with the morning.' But the emptiness and tears remain. I miss her a lot today. I want to touch her and hold her again...

(One last note: I didn't write this for sympathy or pity or for anyone to worry about me struggling with my grief. I shared this for me because carrying it inside is like bottling the pain up in my heart which hurts, and like I said at the beginning, writing about it relieves some of that painful pressure. I will be okay, as okay as a mother without her child can be, and eventually the emptiness and tears and pain will subside as they always do. Today is just one of those days.)

Hailey's Hope: Finishing Touches!

I just wanted to write a quick post about Hailey's Hope since tomorrow is our delivery day. First of all, Josh and I will be heading out around lunch time and arriving at UAB around 4pm to drop off the bags. Once we're done hopefully we'll go out for a little celebration dinner and head home, which means we probably will be home late, and I didn't want to wait until Saturday to write anything.

So now for the really important stuff! In case you haven't heard through word of mouth or Facebook yet, with everyone's help, support, donations, and prayers we exceeded our goal of 20 bags and will be delivering 36 bags tomorrow (in memory of the 36 days Hailey lived). We nearly doubled our goal which is such a huge blessing! I am so excited to be able to do this and bless 36 babies and their families!

And we actually came in under budget so we have a little bit of money and a bunch of different items left over, but not enough of every item and not enough time to add anymore completed bags, so we already have a head start on our next round of donations. :)

Here are some pictures from finishing up the bags:

Organized chaos - preparing the bags!

Happily filling the bags!

The final product! 36 bags ready to be delivered tomorrow!

Confessions

As much as I don't mind talking about Hailey and actually like talking about her, I have two confessions to make that may make me seem hypocritical.

One, I have been in desperate need of a hair cut because I haven't had my hair cut since my mother-in-law last cut it when I was home when Hailey passed away (which means it's been about 5 months). My confession: I haven't gotten a haircut because I have been avoiding finding a hair stylist here in AL. Why? Because I knew I would have to explain to this person that I had a daughter, but she passed away--and this inevitability creates an awkwardness, whether minor or severe; it's always there. I just didn't want to face it. So I have been wearing my hair in a pony tail every day for the past 5 months . Luckily since I now workout often, the pony tail would have to happen anyway, but when there's an occasion whether it be church or a date with my husband, I would like to wear it down and style it, etc. But I haven't been able to do that for some time now. (Thankfully I'll be getting it cut when I head home in a couple of weeks).

Two, the other day when I was in the baby section at the PX shopping for Hailey's Hope, I saw my old neighbor with her two little girls. My confession: As soon as I saw them, I did a 180 and made a beeline straight to another department. I also think I've seen her a few times at the gym, but I always walk by quickly and never look long enough to figure out if it's her. All for the same reason: I am avoiding talking to her because I know the subject of Hailey will come up, and I haven't been ready for that conversation with her. You see she was our neighbor throughout my entire pregnancy, and she even gave me bags upon bags of gently used baby items from her little girls. She moved away right before Hailey was born, so I don't know if she knows that Hailey passed away or not...

You see I've been trying to figure out why when I know I want to talk about Hailey and share my experience with her with others that in these two situations I am so blatantly and almost fearfully avoiding doing so. In the one case it would be  a stranger, a hair stylist who I'd never met, and in the other case it would be someone I knew while I was pregnant with Hailey.  So what was/ is my deal? I figured out what they have in common and why I'm avoiding them and talking about Hailey: because they don't know my daughter died.

I realized I still struggle to tell people who aren't expecting to hear that news. That is the hardest. The looks on their faces, the pause in conversation, the not knowing what to say... It's when people go from talking to me in a happy, upbeat, carefree way asking me if I have kids or how the baby's doing - something so innocent and so natural in conversations - and then when they hear my answer it's like I slapped them in the face...it's the awkwardness. I always do my best to judge their reactions to determine what I should say next - continue to talk about her (which I don't mind) or change subjects (which is fine too). It's just that 'moment' that I still dread and apparently will do anything to avoid.

So all these times I think and say I love talking about Hailey and nothing makes me happier - what I'm saying is true. But I guess it's to people who already have some idea of what's happened. Telling people that my daughter died when they aren't expecting it - whether they're strangers or people we know - that's where it's still hard. Avoid them as I might, sometimes those situations are unavoidable...

The other weekend when we were at the dog beach with Opie and our friends and their dog, another couple arrived with their dog. The woman, who was noticeably older than myself, was pregnant and proceeded to talk me as though I had no idea what it was like to be pregnant or have a baby along with a dog. It's an easy assumption to make considering there we were, a young couple playing with our dog, no child in sight, no bump in my belly, but don't people know they should never assume...? Well months ago I made the decision that I would never act like Hailey didn't exist. So I casually and gently told her that I had a daughter who passed away in January and continued to tell her how wonderful Opie was with her. She kind of paused, didn't look at me, and proceeded to tell me how she was sorry to hear that and how someone she knew recently lost her baby. The conversation was okay, but I could tell during that pause it was like a stick your foot in your mouth type of moment for her.

So those are my 'confessions.' I'm still trying to navigate these situations when they come up and trying to learn to face them instead of avoid them. And just for the record, I really do like talking about Hailey - I just don't necessarily like having to break the news to unsuspecting people that she died...

Hold On To Hope

It's funny how since naming Hailey's project with Project Sweet Peas, Hailey's Hope, how messages of hope seem to be all around me these days. From God speaking it to me in His word to online articles to topics in my devotionals to songs I hear.

Initially when naming Hailey's project I chose "hope" because it had a nice ring to it with the alliteration with the "h's" and all and because who doesn't need hope - especially when their baby is in critical condition, in intensive care in a hospital potentially fighting for his/her life? Someone might read "Hailey's Hope" and be misled to think oh my baby has the hope of leaving the NICU and surviving like this baby Hailey... But no, that's not Hailey's hope. As I thought about the name and if it was really the right one for her / our project because of this, I began to think more deeply about what her hope was, would be, and what it is to us. And sure enough, it's turned out to be the perfect name of her project as it reflects so much of her life and what's come out of her life.

Her hope wasn't to be cured of her Trisomy 18. Her hope wasn't to survive and live a normal life. Her hope was that God would take care of her according to His plans. And he did. Her hope was that one day God would call her home to be with Him in a place where she wouldn't be sick or feel any pain or suffering or be limited in anyway - a place where she could be truly at peace and be happy and healthy. And he did. Our hope, in addition to these hopes, as I've mentioned numerous times before, is that we will see Hailey again one day and until then God will remain with us and help us through this difficult journey without her. So what is Hailey's hope? To put it simply it is the same as our hope and the hope of many - God, salvation, eternal life through Jesus.

Without hope, life is dark, hard, nearly impossible. I experienced a time of hopelessness after losing Hailey. When I looked to the future it was shaded gray with no joy and nothing good. And when hope is lost I learned that fear moves in to take its place. And there was a time that I wrote about when fear nearly crippled me - particularly the fear of having another baby (you can read about it here).

I read a quote the other day in my devotional which phrased what I have experienced (and written about in my post "From Fear to Freedom") so perfectly:

"Fear can hold you prisoner. HOPE can set you free." - from The Shawshank Redemption

A life without hope is a life of fear incapable of joy and love and what life is that? And coincidentally, or perhaps not, the topic of this week's devotionals that Josh and I read together is called "Hold On To Hope." I just had to share this part of what we read last night:

Can any of us live without hope? I think not. Without hope, we have no reason to get out of bed in the morning...no motivation to complete our daily tasks at work, home, church... no desire to take on the sometimes dizzying array of problems in our world. A life without hope is a life without meaning.

Yet as Christians we always have hope. In Jesus Christ, we have a holy protector, friend, confidante, and guide. We have a reserved seat in heaven that promises unimaginable joy. This is what gives us endurance, patience, and motativation to bring glory to our Creator during this imperfect existence.... John tells us, "Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life" (John 3:36). Can you imagine a greater source of hope?

-Night Light: A Devotional for Couples by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

So sources and reminders of hope surround me lately, and it's funny how much the name of our Project Sweet Peas project is affecting me. I think I can hear God's message to me loud and clear: hold on to hope.

I will.

P.S. I just have to share this song that was playing while I wrote this - the message of holding on to hope is written in between the lyrics of this song: Before The Morning. Do you dare to believe?

5 Months Without Her: Goodbyes & Restoration

I don't know what's harder for me to believe... that we said 'goodbye' to Hailey 5 months ago today, or that we had to say 'goodbye' at all.

I am realizing that there isn't just one goodbye. There were the 'obvious' goodbyes. The goodbye 5 months ago today when I released Hailey from my arms and gently, against my will passed her little body into the arms of the hospice worker who carried her in her arms in the car to the funeral home. The goodbye the day of her memorial service as her casket was about to be closed when I laid my tearful eyes upon her face and stroked her head softly with my finger tips knowing it would be the last time I ever saw her or touched her this side of Heaven. And there was the goodbye at her burial... as everything became so 'final.'

And to my surprise, there continue to be goodbyes every morning I wake up with out her. Every morning as I awake and transition to the state of mind between dreams and reality, a part of me deep within my soul expects Hailey to be here with me. Maybe it's my maternal instinct, but as I'm waking up I feel as though Hailey is with me, I need to get ready to start my day and to take care of her... And every morning when reality finally sets in, I am reminded that she is not with me. In that reminder I have to learn to say goodbye to her and live another day without her, again. I don't notice it so much anymore, but it subconsciously happens every morning, every day. It's a cycle, a routine that will always be in my life now.

But I know none of these moments were ever really goodbye. They were 'see you later' or 'goodbye for now.' For my hope in Christ is that Hailey is with Him now, and I will one day return to them both.

As I usually do on the anniversaries of Hailey's death, I give a recap of where I consider myself to be on this grief journey. The month of May started off incredibly difficult with the usual anniversaries of her birth day and the day she passed compounded by Mother's Day and our trip to the geneticist. But it got better as the month went along in terms of missing and grieving Hailey (little things like making her photo book and Hailey's Hope helped). But other areas of my life became difficult as grief tends to affect everything. So this past month started off with the storm raging and by the end of the month it was more like a light, steady summer rain.

Considering the typical stages of grief, I feel I have been at acceptance for awhile, although I don't always remain in a stage once I'm there...I go back and forth in different ones at times. But for the most part I have experienced all stages and have accepted my loss. I read this week in one of my final devotionals, as I'm starting to finish my books on grieving, a reminder I loved - that as a Christian,  acceptance isn't the end. The end of this grief journey is not me accepting the death of my daughter as a final goodbye, that I will never see her again, that she is dead and gone and will never live again, and moving on with my life in the pain that remains. As a Christian, there is restoration. So I am in the stage of restoration where God is restoring my broken heart and soul each day. He is restoring what's broken and making it whole and complete again because I am trusting in Him and His goodness and His healing. He is the restorer of my soul, and He makes my hope of being reunited with Hailey in Heaven possible. The truths spoken by David, a parent who suffered the loss of his baby, echo this stage of my grief journey, which is restoration:

He restores my soul. Psalm 3:3

So today, on the 5 month anniversary of Hailey passing, I praise God for being the maker, restorer, and redeemer of my soul. I praise Him for His goodness and His love. I praise Him for His wonderful creations which include my beautiful baby even though the world's eyes might not see her as a perfect, beautiful gift from God. I praise Him for sending her to us and gracing us with her presence for 36 days.

Today in church we sang one of my all time favorite worship songs, "Blessed Be Your Name" by Tim Hughes. And I think it's the first time I've sung it in a church setting since Hailey has passed, but it is one song that has been in my heart and my mind and on my lips almost daily as I deal with her loss. All I could think as I sang these lyrics today were how true they are and how those words are my words and praises to God.

The song starts:

Blessed be Your name / When the sun's shining down on me /  When the world's 'all as it should be'  / Blessed by Your name.

And I think, how easy it is for us to say blessed by Your name and praise God when everything is good. And then the next verse:

Blessed be Your name / On the road marked with suffering / Though there's pain in the offering / Blessed be Your name.

Not so easily said and maybe even unfathomable to many, but for me even...

When the darkness closes in, Lord / Still I will say / Blessed be the name of the Lord / Blessed be Your name.

And then finally, the lyrics that say it all for me and my life and touch on the verse that's the tagline for my blog...

You give and take away / You give and take away / You give and take away / My heart will choose to stay / Lord, blessed be Your name.

Amen and Amen...

**Love you and miss you Munchkin... I'm imagining Jesus giving you tons of hugs and covering you in kisses from us today. And I'm imagining you being happier than I can imagine! I can't wait to be with you again one day...Until then, know we love so much. Love always, your momma.**

Hailey's Hope - 1 Week Until Delivery!

Well the donations for our first set of gift bags are in! And I have spent the past 2 days shopping until I dropped, and I'm still not done!

Here are some grand totals for you regarding the donations:

• 34 individuals/families donated


• Total items donated: 77 plus 3 completed bags


• Total money donated: over $1500!

With this amount of support Hailey's Hope easily reached our goal of 20 gift bags!

Hailey's Hope's first official gift bag delivery to the NICUs at The Children's Hospital in Birmingham will happen on Friday, June 11th!

As I mentioned, I am in the process of using the donation money to purchase items to fill as many bags as possible. I still have one more day of shopping to do (I hope I can get it all done in one more day!), and our package of stuffed animals and baby clothes donated by the readers of We Are That Family is on it's way. Hopefully I will be able to tell you exactly how many bags we will be donating SOON!

So with the delivery date quickly approaching in a week I am busy shopping, filling bags, and putting some unique, hand-crafted touches on each of them. If you'd like to see any pictures from my shopping trips, they are on our Hailey's Hope Facebook page.

And just a personal note...

Shopping for items to fill the gift bags has been an amazing experience. It feels so good and brings me comfort knowing that these items will be bringing someone else comfort and hope during the difficult experience of having their baby in a NICU. I keep imagining how I would have felt had I received any of these items when we arrived at the NICU to meet Hailey...Hopeful. Joyful. Happy. Comforted. Thankful. Moved. Loved. Encouraged. Uplifted. I will admit I had to stop myself from tearing up as I loaded items into my cart several times today because of all of this. They were definitely tears of joy and gratitude. And the support shown to me, to us, to Hailey, by friends and family just makes me so thankful and so happy. It really is truly moving, and words fail me.

You know, as I sat in Hailey's room tonight unloading bags and attempting to organize the chaos of items, I thought of how ... ironic?... is that the right word?... doesn't feel right... Mmm... let me start over and put it this way: One might think that seeing Hailey's dresser drawers full of  30 some pairs of socks and scratch mittens, boxes of baby blankets, bags of baby brushes, and so on being stored there for other babies would depress me - that seeing all of those items intended for other babies and not for my baby would open up that hole in my heart. Well yes in a way it is sad for me, but the hope that those items will bring comfort and joy to others completely overwhelms any 'negative' emotion that may be lurking around.

And I really just can't say enough how much everyone's support means to me. Without their/ your support, being able to share this joy and hope and these comforts with others would not be possible. I truly am so very grateful that something so positive is coming out of what could be a dark situation in losing Hailey. It really does feel good to be able to give to others and bless others who I have a shared experience with and make a difference. As you can see, this is not only going to be helping many families, but it is also helping heal me...

THANK YOU.

Hailey's Photo Book!

Just a quick post...

Hailey's photo book arrived in the mail today! Talk about a special delivery! It is exactly as I imagined and hoped it would be! LOVE it!

I will cherish it forever and can't wait to look at it over and over and over again and share it with others, especially those who never met her.

So as promised, here is a glimpse at Hailey's Shutterfly photo book- 785 pictures on 81 pages.

Today is an important date

Today is an important date for several reasons:

First of all, today Hailey would have turned 6 months old.

Secondly, today is the deadline for donations to Hailey's Hope for our first set of gift bags.

And third, today is the official launch date of my new blog!