As I turned onto my stomach and laid there enjoying the beautiful afternoon, a weird thing happened. I could feel my stomach pulsing from my heartbeat. Literally I felt my heartbeat in my stomach. Strangely and amazingly, it was reminiscent of feeling Hailey moving in my belly. My heartbeat felt like those first flutters I felt during my 2nd trimester which were the first movements of Hailey's that I was feeling. Feeling your baby move about in your tummy and 'kicking' around is one of those miraculous events that I am blessed to have had.
As I sat thinking about my heartbeat and what it used to feel like when Hailey moved about in my belly, my mind wandered to the time Josh and I first heard Hailey's heartbeat. It was a memory I hadn't thought about in a very long time. I love when memories come back to me out of the blue. They are such a gift that I treasure.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was living in IL and Josh was in GA for Army training. I went to most of my appointments alone, but Josh was able to make the drive back to IL and come with me to a very special doctor's appointment. He was able to come with me for my first ultrasound.
Up until that point in my pregnancy, since it was so early on, I was never given any 'official' doctor confirmation that I was indeed pregnant, so the day of the ultrasound I was a little nervous. An at home pregnancy test and 'mother nature' confirmed that I was pregnant, but I wanted more 'official' proof. So the first ultrasound was it. A part of me feared there would be nothing there on the screen and they would regret to tell me that I wasn't pregnant. But thankfully, that didn't happen.
I remember the ultrasound technician putting the gel on my stomach and being surprised by how warm it felt. Then before we knew it, we could see little Hailey moving about on the black and white screen. There was our baby. The baby we dreamed of and prayed for.
She was so tiny, with only little 'buds' for arms and legs. But so cute! I couldn't believe that beautiful little baby was growing inside of me. (If you look at the ultrasound picture from that day, Hailey's head is on the left, the little triangular shape is the beginnings of an arm, the next round looking thing is her torso, and then you can make out at least one leg/foot to the far right).
Then, the technician turned on the sound so that we could hear our baby's heartbeat. And there it was, as fast and as strong as ever.
...wow...
It was one of those moments that took your breath away. I remember Josh gently taking my hand and squeezing it as we watched our baby and listened to her heartbeat. Amazing...
It was one of those few moments in life that I remember being truly happy and felt love flowing throughout my entire being. A feeling that words fail to describe. It was all so amazing...
I am so thankful for remembering this today. And I am so thankful for the experiences of seeing Hailey and hearing her heartbeat all those times during ultrasounds. What beautiful blessings that I am able to hold on to even now that she is gone. These blessings and memories bring so much more warmth to my life than the sun's rays ever could.
I love you and miss you munchkin. xoxo mom
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