2 Months in Heaven

Today Hailey has been in Heaven for 2 months. She's been in Heaven longer than she was on earth, and that's a hard fact to accept and one that will always be.

I have to say that God has really blessed me this week. After my post "The Great Sadness..." I have really been actively checking myself to see where my mind is at and making sure it's in the present the majority of the time. And I think because I have changed my perspective, God has enabled me to have a good week in terms of my grief.

I wouldn't say any day this week was necessarily joyous, but I guess I would say that I have felt a sense of contentment that I haven't felt in a very long time. Dare I say it...things almost seem 'right' again...almost.... things have felt so miserably wrong for so long. But that feeling is changing. At least this week it is.

So on 2 month anniversary of Hailey's death, I'm feeling okay. I miss her every single day, and I still think of her often throughout my day. But my grief has no longer locked me down on the ground. I'm up and moving again, and I hope to stay that way. Although I am in a bit of that suspense stage, wondering if or when it will hit me and take me down again...

I will admit, I haven't watched a video of Hailey in a very long time. I have kind of been avoiding it for awhile - not sure if I could handle seeing her so 'alive' again. I remember at her memorial service thinking and saying as I watched the videos of her on the TV that I could watch her forever. Well, that changed in the last few weeks. It became harder to do that without grief overwhelming me. It's funny how some days a picture or video can bring me all the joy in the world and warm my heart while other days the same picture or video can bring me sorrow and bring back that excruciating, dull empty ache in my heart. As I've said before, grief is a confusing thing.

One of the things that made this week such a good week for me in terms of my grief was a dream I had. It was the most wonderful dream I have ever had in my life. It was soooo real. I wasn't going to share about it in my blog, I was going to keep it as a private thing that I only shared with Josh. But I want to write about it now because I want a record of it - so that I can always remember this dream because it was so very wonderful. Five years from now, I would like to think back on this dream.  It probably won't sound like much to you, but I know that whenever I re-read this post the images and feelings and sounds and smells from the dream will come back to me - they will be more than just words to me.

I dreamed a short and simple dream about Hailey. In it she was so healthy and happy. She looked like maybe a healthy 2 or 3 month old, and she was in one of those bouncer swings for babies that you can hang in a doorway. I was bouncing her and she was smiling at me and giggling away. Her giggles left her with some shiny baby drool on the side of her face that I gently wiped off. At the end of the dream, I held her little head of soft, fine, brown hair in my two hands, kissed the top of her head, and breathed her in. The dream gave me her perfect baby smell. Now I don't know about you, but I don't usually recall smelling in my dream...but I did with this one and it was pure bliss. The dream was simple as I said, not much to it. But seeing Hailey so healthy and happy and glowing, interacting with her again, hearing her baby giggles (that I never was able to hear while she was here), touching my lips to her soft hair and skin, and smelling her wonderful scent was soooooo wonderful and sooooo real. The dream reminded me that that is what she is like in Heaven - she is healthy and warm and so very full of joy. I'm so thankful to have had a glimpse of that. That one little dream made my week, maybe even my month...

This week I went to the craft store and bought tons of scrapbooking supplies so I can finally start working on my scrapbook of Hailey. I wasn't sure what feelings would come up during that trip to the store, but thankfully I was fine. I think I almost bought the store out of every baby girl scrapbooking item there was. I am going to start it with the day I found out I was pregnant and chronicle the milestones we/she hit during pregnancy, birth, and her short little life through to her memorial service. I am looking forward to making Hailey's scrapbook even though I'm sure some days when I work on it it will be hard for me. But I think it will be therapeutic at the same time. It saddens my heart that her entire life will be one scrapbook and I don't have other things to include in it like first steps, first tooth, etc., but I can't wait to honor her in this scrapbook and have it for the rest of my life.

If you are reading this, please keep me and Josh and our families in your prayers and remember Hailey today. While today is a good day for me, not every day is this way. Every day is a new day that I need God to give me peace, comfort, and strength to get through the day so that grief does not cripple me. So just because I'm doing good today, doesn't mean it lasts forever. We still need prayers and prayer is a powerful thing. Thanks!

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To my sweet baby in Heaven, Today I take many of the images and sounds from my dream and I use them to imagine you in Heaven. I don't know what Heaven will be like, but I imagine it is like a better, perfect version of Earth with more new miraculous things for us to enjoy. I imagine that in Heaven you are outside, the sun is shining its warm rays onto your sweet little face, the skies are blue, the long green grass flows in a warm, light breeze, and there are countless flowers of every color imaginable. You are smiling brightly, your skin and being are glowing in the joy and love of God. You are giggling and laughing and playing with your Father. Maybe Jesus picks you up and throws you in the air like many Fathers do causing you to continue giggling. Maybe you are cuddled up against Him as you both lay in the field looking at the sky sharing in a some special secret moment smiling, full of love. I mostly only see your face when I envision this ~ you are still a child, but I can't tell if you're a baby or a toddler or older than that. But it doesn't matter. While I miss you dearly and long to be with you with all of my being, I know you are truly in a better place and that you feel no pain and suffering. You are free, you are healthy, you are happy, you are loved - all perfectly. Hugs and kisses. Mom.