One week ago today Josh and I awoke to find that our baby girl had passed away... The thing we had been dreading had happened. So today is a hard day...
Time is a funny thing. During the 9 months I was pregnant with Hailey, time seemed to crawl at a snail's pace. I couldn't wait to be done being pregnant and hold my little girl in my arms. Hailey's birth couldn't come soon enough.
And then all of a sudden, the 9 months were over and Hailey was here. Instead of seeming like it took forever for her to get here - it seemed like time went by too quickly. During the first week of Hailey's life when we spent it in the NICU and a private room at the hospital and we knew she was fighting against time - because it was only a matter of time before she'd be gone - time was so precious and fragile. I was desperate to hold on to every second.
Then Hailey became better and better, and it seemed like maybe we'd be one of the few lucky parents of a Trisomy 18 baby who would get to spend months - maybe even a year with her. I loved the good days with Hailey - when she seemed like a "normal" baby - but I hated those days at the same time. It seemed like a false hope those days, and I had to remind myself she could pass at any moment even if it seemed she was doing well.
When we were first learning of Hailey's condition, we asked the doctors what would be the cause of her death. They told us it would be either apnea (when she forgets to breathe) or the result of an infection - it would be too much for her little body to handle. We asked how long she'd have with us if she got an infection, and the doctors told us that she would likely pass within 24 hrs.
Well, on January 5, 2010, we noticed something slightly amiss when we were tube feeding her. We called the pediatrician and brought Hailey in. The doctor informed us that Hailey was fine, but she did have a fever of 100.2. The fever would just have to run its course. To this day I can't believe I didn't put all the pieces together so to speak. I thought that Hailey would be fine - she was doing so good - not even acting different or sick or anything - she was actually the most successful with feeding from the bottle that day! I really thought the fever would be gone within a day...
But in retro spec I ask myself how did I not know? The fever was likely the result of some type of infection that she had - the doctor told us that. The other doctors told us that if she got an infection that she would have less than 24 hrs. How did I not know it was her time? Well I didn't... and it was. She passed away the next morning.
The entire time we had Hailey I knew she could go at any minute - and yet I treated those final hours of Hailey's life like she was a "normal" healthy baby who could fight off an infection...
When the realization that Hailey was gone set in that day, it was like the last 35 days were gone in the blink of an eye. She was gone already? I tried to treasure each day and each moment and make it last and last and stretch time out... but in the end, I couldn't hold on to time or slow it down like I wanted.
And now, time is a funny thing. Some days this week time has once again crawled to a snail's pace, and I just want to speed it up and get through with the day. But then today, 1 week since she passed, time seems to have passed too quickly. Can it already be a week? It feels like she passed away just yesterday - not a week ago.
Time really does move on - whether you're ready for it or not...Oh how I've longed to just pause time. I think of how many times I had Hailey in my arms, cuddling her, holding her, breathing her in, memorizing her face, and just being desperate to pause time and live in that moment forever... but I couldn't.
It seems like time speeds up when you don't want it to and then it's gone before you know it. And when you want time to speed up and pass quickly, it seems like it inches along...
So anyway, today, on the 1 week anniversary of Hailey going to Heaven, I will remember the time we spent with her - and thank God for the pictures and video we have of her as we tried to capture each moment, each memory and freeze time...
Krissy, you bring me to tears. You have such a gift for writing! It's great to see :) You had it right at the end of it though-you were able to freeze time with those pictures and video you have of her. It's not a lot of comfort now, but think about how precious those will be when, down the road, you introduce future children to their big sister, on anniversaries like this one when you want to remember how she looked and sounded, or to share with people like me who never had the pleasure of meeting Hailey in life. If you haven't already started a scrapbook, do it. Pen down all those memories now while they are bright and fresh in your mind! The funny stories, the goofy antics of her Dad (love the cupcake Mickey Mouse ears!), the every day things that made you guys a family. Time goes on, sure, but that doesn't mean that the basics have changed-you are as much her mother now as you ever were, and your daughter still exists, just where we can't see her and touch her just yet.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. It makes me feel closer to you, in a weird way. :)