"this is not how it should be"

Today was a bittersweet day in some respects. My husband and I spent the evening with my family -my mom, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. We barely get to spend time with them since we live in Alabama so it's really a treat for me when we can all get together. I also love seeing my nephew who is getting so big! He's a year and a couple of months now so every time I see him he's grown bigger and has learned how to do more things. For instance, the last time I saw him he was a wobbly walker, but now he's running all over the place. It's incredible!

Being around babies and young children are hard for me right now, so I knew that tonight could be difficult. I had a great time while we were there, but in the car on the way back to Josh's parent's house tears suddenly welled up in my eyes. It was like they had been hiding and couldn't wait any longer to come out. It kind of took Josh back when he heard me quietly crying as we drove - he didn't know what was wrong because minutes earlier I had been smiling and laughing.

I was able to run from my true feelings the entire time we were with my family, but I couldn't outrun them any more. The hole in my heart felt enormous. I missed my daughter. My heart ached...and the tears poured out.

All I could think was that Hailey should have been there. Hailey should have been with us. Hailey should have been able to meet her cousin. I should have been taking care of Hailey like my sister-in-law and brother were taking care of their son. Hailey should have been there...

And that's when I get back to the issue that bothers me which is how I'm afraid of the moments where it's like she never existed. She wasn't there. It's like she was never even born...

We had Hailey buried in IL because that's where we call home even though we live in AL and that's where all of our family lives. I hate that when we brought Hailey "home" we brought her home to IL in a casket...not a carseat...and I can't even write this right now without crying. She never got to come home to Josh's parent's home or my mom's house. She never was held by one of her aunts and many other relatives and friends. The first time they met her was when she was in her casket at the funeral chapel. And it absolutely breaks my heart.

I keep thinking this isn't how it's supposed to be. We weren't supposed to come home to bury our daughter. We were supposed to come to IL to celebrate Christmas with our newborn daughter and our families....it wasn't supposed to be this way.

So tonight... the hole in my heart feels incredibly large...and words can't express how badly I miss Hailey...

But I know...that this is how it's supposed to be - even if I don't like it...and I'll end with these lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman:

"This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
But this is how it is
And our God is in control"

...oh and one more thing I want to add... one of my friends (you know who you are) told me yesterday how she admired me for my faith and trust in God and how she can't imagine what this is like and how I do it... and I told her this: It's like my life is the footprints in sand poem - I literally feel like I have collapsed and God has picked me up and is carrying me each and every day. The only way I'm getting through any day, hour, or minute, is not me - God is literally carrying me and I have no other choice than to turn to Him and let Him carry me - I wouldn't survive otherwise.

So tonight will probably be a tough night with many tears involved, but God starts to fill the huge gaping hole in my heart when I talk to him at night... and I'll let the world in on a little part of the conversation I have with Him. First, I imagine Hailey doing incredible things in Heaven in her perfect healthy body - having so much fun doing things I can't even imagine. I imagine Hailey happy and in complete peace with her Heavenly Father. Then I say to Jesus, "Give her a hug from me, hold her tightly in Your arms for me, and cover her in kisses from her mommy"...I love you my little munchkin...