If you ask me what my biggest fear is right now, I would say it is forgetting Hailey. She was with us for such a brief amount of time... only 36 days...gone so fast... I feel like I barely had time to make memories to remember.
Only a day after Hailey passed away I felt like my mind went blank when I was trying to remember her. Crying, I remember telling Josh I can't remember her, I can't remember what she looks like, I can't remember what she smells like...It was like a panic attack.
Thankfully that moment passed, and I can still remember her - although it's like all of the memories are kind of foggy. Sometimes God blesses me with incredibly clear, vivid memories of her - sight, smell, sound - everything. But my biggest fear is forgetting. I'm thankful I have pictures to remember what Hailey looked like - but really, her pictures don't do her justice...the videos of her do help somewhat.
Right now I can remember the feeling of the baby soft hair and skin on her head - even her soft spot... love it...
But one of the things I loved the most about Hailey was her smell. I loved her smell. This is one of the things I fear forgetting the most because how can you remember a smell? When she was still with us, I would hold her in my arms as she slept swaddled tightly in her blankie, and I would put my face in the space right between her cheek and her blanket and just breathe in and out... I honestly could breathe her in forever....That memory is really hard to hold on to. We don't have her clothes or blankets here in IL since they're all back at home in AL - otherwise I'm sure I would turn to those to remember her smell.
But last night, just when I was having trouble remembering and I was starting to forget, Josh gave me her giraffey (we brought it with us and kept it). And I held it close to me and breathed it in...and well let's just say the link between smell and memory is ridiculous! Her giraffe had her smell...her wonderful unique baby smell...and in smelling that completely unexpected smell it was like I had a little part of Hailey back again. It was a little piece of Heaven on earth for me.
Tonight when Josh and I walked into his parents' house after being gone for over eight hours, the smell of flowers (from the memorial service) filled my nose and it was almost overwhelming how it hit me and took me by surprise (especially considering I'd been smelling the flowers all week!) and how it reminded me of Hailey. We were given flowers very similar to the ones Josh had bought Hailey on her 1 week birthday. Those flowers were so fragrant and filled the tiny little hospital room we were in so much that I swear it is where Hailey got her flowery baby smell from. So smelling the flowers from the memorial service at his parents' house instantly brought me back to those days in the hospital with Hailey...almost like she was here again...
Speaking as a physical therapist (so I am clearly an expert on matters such as these) scent memory is the strongest we have. You'll be walking down the street, or be in a store, and a whiff of something will hit you and it will be Hailey. (This happens to me sometimes with ex boyfriends' cologne-weird, right?). Luckily (or unluckily, in the case of aforementioned ex boyfriends), it's just one of those things we don't lose. You'll be reminded of her in a thousand different ways. That's what I'm praying for, anyway :) Isn't it nice how sometimes, He just seems to know when we need a little pick me up?
ReplyDeleteWhen I would have Hailey in my arms I would put my cheek next to hers and kiss and smell her. Some times I would just hold her there for minutes.
ReplyDeleteMmm... :)
When Adam was gone, I kept a shirt with me for a while to sleep with, but then the smell started to fade (it probably just started to smell like me instead :)). In our old house though we had seperate closets. The best invention I must say for such a tiny house. Whenever I opened his closet, it smelled of him. There were a few times when he was gone especially after R&R when I was putting his clothes away I just sat in front of the closet for a little while and cried a little because I had to go through the saying good-bye all over again. I know it has no comparison to saying good-bye to little Hailey, but you might want to try her closet when you get home and just keep her clothes there so when you forget you can go sit in her closet and smell her.
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