A Hard Day, A Hard Year... Another Goodbye

Well I started to write this post, and it crashed on me... So this will be even shorter than the original.

My heart has been quite heavy lately for many reasons, which is another reason why this post will be short. I cried all day on the couch and just don't think it's best for me to be writing everything that's on my heart and mind today.

But to the point, specifically today was a hard day because we had to put our pet ferret, Bosco, to sleep. He was old and sick, and it was his time...but why it had to be this week, I don't know.

I was/ am hoping to write a post on Hailey's birthday, but I'm not sure I'll be able to anymore...

This week is proving to be just a little too hard.

So that's all for now. Please keep us in your prayers this week. Thanks.

Thanksgiving, With Her and Without

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11-12

Tonight as I sit here and write, my house is clean, truly clean, for the first time in a least a month. My dining room table is set, festively decorated for Thanksgiving tomorrow. The turkey is thawing and food is prepped. Everything is ready and waiting for me to wake up early and begin a day of cooking, feasting, and enjoying fellowship with friends as we host some of our Army family at our home for a day of football and food. I have been not only craving turkey and the other traditional Thanksgiving dishes for weeks now, but I've even been craving the smell of the turkey roasting in the oven. I mean really craving it all.

Truly, I have been actually looking forward to Thanksgiving, which surprises me. First of all, unlike many out there celebrating tomorrow, we are unable to spend the day with our families; while some might see that as a little blessing, I actually miss not being able to see our loved ones. Secondly, it's a hard day because Hailey's not here. Every normal day without her is hard enough. But 'special' days and 'holidays' are always a little extra harder. Not to mention that not only is Hailey not here, but my dad isn't here either...

So while other women who became moms this past year are most likely looking forward to celebrating their babies' first Thanksgiving tomorrow, I want to do the same, but I can't. I have no chubby baby to hold tomorrow. Hailey will not be oohed and ahhed over tomorrow or covered in kisses by family, like I had imagined for her first Thanksgiving.

But thankfully, I've been trying to focus more on what I have than what I have not. Therefore, instead of dwelling on the fact that this should be Hailey's first Thanksgiving with us, I'm choosing to actively focus on remembering what I have and that is a few treasured memories of her and this picture.

I love this picture. Obviously Hailey will be celebrating with Jesus in Heaven, but to me, this is her here with me. Her memory is here with me in her name written on a beautiful autumn leaf. The picture is also a remainder to me that other people care about her life and recognize her absence from this world. (Thank you so much to one of my Project Sweet Peas' friends for writing Hailey's name on a leaf and taking a picture of it. I am truly treasuring it this holiday. I look at it and smile every single time.)

But trust me, I'm not just this optimistic, positive person. There is a strong part of me that continually pulls me towards sadness because Hailey is not here...feeling alone, being jealous of others who are celebrating with their families and babies, wondering why me, and all those other thoughts that lead to a dangerous downward spiral. However, there is another part of me that prays and trusts that God will overcome and provide me with comfort, peace, and even joy tomorrow when I'm being pulled the other way.

Plus, the way I like to think about it, I did have a Thanksgiving with Hailey... she was just in my belly still. So tonight, one of the ways I'm going to combat the negative emotions and thoughts gnawing at me, is to remember last Thanksgiving, her first and only...

Last Thanksgiving, I was eagerly awaiting Hailey's arrival. Originally we had been given a due date in early November, and then the doctors changed it to the beginning of December. Therefore, on Thanksgiving I was ready for her to come at any time. My mother-in-law had just arrived to be with us for Hailey's birth and help us at home with her. My hospital bags were all packed and ready. We had gone to a doctor's visit where my blood pressure was bordering on too high for comfort. They didn't diagnose me with pre-eclampsia, but to be safe, they did want me to be resting more and taking it easy, practically on bed rest.

I remember it not really feeling like Thanksgiving because we weren't back home doing the normal holiday meals and traditions with family and also because of the warm Alabama temperatures that we were not used to being from the Chicago area and all...

But on Thanksgiving day we did get out of the house and enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving meal at the home of a fellow Army couple. The food was delicious, and we had a nice time, but I remember being somewhat disappointed that I couldn't eat as much food as I wanted because there simply was no room in my belly - I was already bursting at the seams!

I don't remember many other details of the day specifically, but I definitely remember the general time frame and days leading up to Hailey's birth. We had so much to be thankful for and so much we were looking forward to...

One year later, on the eve of Thanksgiving, I have a lot of things I could be angry and sad about and not thankful for at all... but instead, I choose to give thanks to God, especially for giving us Hailey. I may not understand or know why she had to go so soon, but I'm thankful for her life nonetheless. Next to Hailey, as I mentioned not too long ago, this year I am most thankful for who God is and for his unfailing promises. I am thankful for him to have carried me and healed me as much as he has so that I can have a positive outlook and be actively fighting the battles of bitterness and depression and the other things that accompany the loss of a child. He is truly my source of strength, comfort, peace, joy, and hope. Without him I have nothing. And of course, I am thankful for my family, which includes my husband, my puppy, our actual families, and my friends, especially the Army ones who come and go but are always family.

May you all have a blessed Thanksgiving filled with the love and hope that only God can give.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

(And if you think of it, could you still keep me and Josh in your prayers this Thanksgiving, even if it looks like we're doing fine, we need them).

The Hustle and Bustle

You normally hear all about the hustle and bustle surrounding the holidays. With Thanksgiving and Christmas, we all tend to operate in overdrive with packed schedules.

For me, this whole busyness of the season started a little prematurely.

Since losing Hailey, I've spent a lot of time frustrated with my new 'free' time and wondering how God wanted me to be purposeful with my life. Of course I found ways to be productive in various ways... but nonetheless, I still had a lot of time and moments of boredom. I hadn't experienced that since childhood. High school through college through career, I have overloaded on classes, jobs, and activities. The unexpected, unwanted 'free' time was a hard adjustment. If you've been following my blog for awhile you know the struggles with discontentment I've had over this 'issue.'

Well of course, as all things go, now my life is the opposite. I'm back to the too-much-to-do-and-not-enough-time-to-do-it-in mode. And again, for this week at least, I let myself become frustrated.

I'm bored I'm frustrated. I'm busy I'm frustrated. I'm terrible.

This week the busyness overwhelmed me and brought me to the verge of tears. But before I get into the details, I have to start by saying that never has the story of Mary and Martha and Jesus felt more real to me as I completely feel like a "Martha" to whom Jesus said, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing" (Luke 10:41-42).

Anyway, as I explained to my husband and a friend, this week I felt like I was working at least 4 full time jobs at once. I had my normal role as the housewife taking care of bills, budget, cleaning, cooking, and so on with the added job of home buyer and traveler as I drove to Tennessee and back to Alabama (a 7 hr drive each way) in a 36 hr time frame. I also had my role that I took on a few months ago as substitute teacher. So while I spent Monday and Tuesday driving to TN and back. I then spent all day Wednesday subbing at a local junior high school. Then there's my role as project leader for Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas, a role I am ever so grateful for. I do absolutely love having the privilege of being in charge of my local project with PSP, but as the date approaches for delivery of 50 basic NICU bags and 10 "angel" memory boxes, things become extra busy and time consuming, aka like working a full time job and putting in overtime, as I work on accounting and donation forms, inventory, filling bags, crafting, and so on. Then there's the side job I picked up this week which was holding a garage sale this weekend. On their own, I love these roles I have, but when they're added together it can feel like a bit too much.

Thankfully, yesterday and today things have slowed down to a more managable pace for me. Yet I'm thinking this could only be temporary as the normal busyness of Thanksgiving and Christmas and the busyness of closing on our house, packing, moving, and other related things approach in December and January.

And here's my concern with me being this busy and stress looming around the months of December and January ...

I'm afraid of not having the time I want and need to grieve, remember, and celebrate Hailey.

Hailey's birthday is December 1st. In less than two weeks, she would have celebrated her first birthday... This a huge milestone in my grief journey. I need to take the time to reflect and reminisce and pray... Yet I'm fearing I will be too busy taking care of my nagging, seemingly endless to-do list to have the proper time to do those things. Last night as I lie in bed thinking about this, a new fear crept upon me... the fear of not being able to remember. I tried to remember her actually birth day. I tried to remember the first time my eyes saw her, the first time I held her, the first time I looked into her eyes...and I couldn't. I couldn't remember anything but the physical pain of my labor and the emotional turmoil I felt after her birth. It wrapped me in fear.

As I've mentioned before, sometimes it seems like the more I try to remember her the harder it is and the further away the memory goes.

But then I thought of one of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard about this aspect of losing a loved one.

Think of something specific.

Tom Hanks' character Captain Miller says it to Matt Damon's character Private Ryan in the movie Saving Private Ryan. After learning he lost all his brothers, Private Ryan becomes frustrated he can't picture one of his brother's face anymore... Captain Miller tells him the key is to think of something specific... a specific memory...

And it's true. Anytime I can't see Hailey's face in my memory, it honestly terrifies me... but then I think of something specific. I think of holding her late at night and looking into her eyes as I rock her back and forth.  I think of giving her her first bath. And so on. But I have to admit... even that doesn't always work as well as I want it to... and sometimes it seems like I'm only able to remember the moments we've recorded on film.

Anyway... come December 1st, I hope Josh and I can have the time we need to remember Hailey, and I'm already praying we can find that time and find comfort on that day... and the same goes for January 6th, the one year anniversary of her passing... I don't just want those days to breeze by because of trivial busy things on my to-do list.

It's easy for me to have the urge to start worrying about how I'm going to do it all and handle it all in the upcoming months... but thankfully I learned years ago that that's me talking, not God. So even though there's no getting around many of things that will in deed create a busy holiday season for me, I will continue to turn to God in prayer instead of allowing myself to worry. One of the many things I will be praying for is that I don't let the little stuff consume me, stress me out, or keep me from having times of rest with God and times of remembering my daughter.

Hailey's Hope Updates

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I have to admit, some days I question my decision to make sure the world knows I had a daughter named Hailey. I question whether sharing about her and what happened to her and opening my heart and sharing my grief with the world is a good thing.

Putting yourself out there with anything is hard, but putting the precious life of your beloved daughter who died when your heart is forever broken by her loss is a completely different story. It's beyond hard. It takes courage, but sometimes I wonder if I mistake courage for a false idealistic hope or even foolishness.

When I choose to share about Hailey, her journey, and my journey, whether it's right here on my blog, on a grief website, in a letter, to a business (ie: coin collection jars), or to strangers in public (ie: my Hollyday Mart booth), I'm not just sharing our story, a "part" of my life, I'm allowing everyone access to my wounds. It's like I've removed a bandage, and I've exposed my pain and grief and tragedy for the world to see and have access to.

In doing this, I risk having salt poured on my wound, having it ripped open again, and being further broken by my loss. In some sense, I'm setting myself up for it all, disappointment, hurt, loneliness, and so on.

It's hard for me to not take someone turning down a chance to support Hailey's Hope personally because when it happens, it's like they are rejecting my baby who is dead. And in my mind, I think, how can someone possibly do that? To me such actions say: I don't care about your daughter's life, and I don't care about what happened to you. I don't care about the pain you deal with on a daily basis. She doesn't matter, and you don't matter. While this may not be the person's true thoughts or feelings, and I know it probably never is... But regardless, it always feels that way and not taking it personally is really difficult.

And so there are moments in this journey of keeping my daughter's memory alive, whether it's through something larger like Hailey's Hope or something smaller like my reply to a stranger asking how many kids I have and telling them I had a daughter, but she passed away, where I fight to smile instead of cry at the response or lack thereof I'm given. In those moments, when my heart further breaks inside, I wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to "put my past behind me" and keep her a secret all to myself. Because many women who have lost a child do this, and now I'm starting to perhaps understand why...

Yesterday I experienced several of these moments.

Yesterday, if you didn't know, I had a vendor booth at a local craft fair. I set it up to sell the headbands I make to help me support Hailey's Hope and to share about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. I knew I was putting myself in another situation where I could end up hurt and disappointed if the response wasn't what I wanted because of how personal this all is to me.

There were many hard moments when I watched pregnant woman after pregnant woman give my booth a look and walk on, or when people looked at our booth, smiled at me, and walked on... you'd think the smile would be encouraging, but it wasn't. And then were was the word vomit that came out of some young mother's mouth that I found to just be unbelievable. For instance, in the midst of her asking and me telling her that Hailey's condition was lethal or fatal, she replied with a stupid comment about how everything's fatal these days even a skinned knee, and I honestly thought in my head, "Are you stupid lady? Did you really just say that to me? Do you have any common sense or compassion at all?" She clearly wasn't interested in listening or caring and so I let her run her mouth so she'd leave...

I still get worked up just thinking about it... Anyway... despite that all and despite any similar moments in the past 10.5 months where I've felt discouraged by others, the encouraging moments always overpower them.

For instance, yesterday, it was awesome having several of our friends stop by and visit us, especially during the times when sales were slow. Several of them even opened up their hearts and their checkbooks and generously gave to Hailey's Hope. Whether they donated $1 or $100 to us or just stopped by to say hi, they were a great source of encouragement to me. (Thank you friends!)

And all in all, my first attempt at a vendor booth went well. Many people had encouraging words to share with me. Many people were interested in learning about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. I gave away a lot of informational handouts. Combining sales of my headbands and donations, about $350 was raised for Hailey's Hope, which I think is just awesome!

Any time I feel discouraged with Hailey's Hope and what I'm doing in memory of Hailey, I think back to all of the encouraging moments I've had this year, like the amazing donation I recently received from the school where I taught from 07/08 to 08/09. Even though I've been gone for a year and a half, they've shown me that I wasn't just another co-worker who came and went. They are people who truly care.

Long story short, they offered to hold an item drive in their classrooms for me this fall, and last week they shipped 8 gigantic boxes worth of items for our bags. It's by far the largest donation we've ever received and was more than I ever could have imagined receiving. They also raised an incredible amount of money for our cause. It was one of the most touching and moving experiences ever for me.

So this leads me into my updates for where we are with our delivery on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1st, which is quickly approaching.

With the two very large monetary donations we received this fall from a family member and Army friend, combined with the very large monetary donation and 8 boxes of items donated by my old school, combined with an awesome amount of items donated by my best friend's family, combined with all the wonderful monetary and item donations made by strangers, families, and friends, and combined with all the proceeds from the headbands I sell through Blossoms of Blessings, we have easily reached our goal of donating 50 basic NICU bags and 10 "angel" memory boxes on Hailey's birthday! And not only have we reached our goal, but in fact we surpassed it, so everything not used for Hailey's birthday delivery will give us an awesome start towards our deliveries in 2011!

From the bottom of my heart, I can't say it enough, thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has encouraged me and supported Hailey's Hope in any way whatsoever! It means the world to me and to my daughter's memory, and I am so happy to be able to make a difference in someone else's world through this.

So for the next two weeks I will be busy working on finishing memory boxes and filling and finishing our bags so that our delivery is all ready to be delivered to The Children's Hospital on Hailey's birthday. It will definitely be one of the best ways I can celebrate my daughter's life on her birthday....

"He who is generous will be blessed..." Proverbs 22:9