Making progress

Since writing my last post, I have had a growing sense of peace (and am even allowing myself to tip-toe toward hopes and dreams for our little boy). All I can say is that I give God all the credit and am so thankful for what he's doing in me. Does this mean all of my worries and anxieties are non-existent now? By no means, but they only take up a small fraction of my mind and heart lately, and I'm having a fairly easy time dismissing them and focusing on the positive. I only hope that the peace inside of me continues to grow and stay with me through to our little boy's birth.

Thanks to this change and the strength God blessed me with today, I spent the afternoon in the room that is going to be our little guy's nursery. Up until today the room has contained boxes and bins of items for Hailey's Hope, the nursery furniture (crib, dresser, and glider) that we had in Hailey's nursery, and the closet has been packed full of boxes labeled "nursery" which contained items I sorted through and packed away in Alabama (those gender neutral items we received before we had Hailey, which we could use again if we had another baby, boy or girl).

This afternoon I decided it was time for me to unpack the boxes and sort through items with the ultimate purpose of determining what items we still needed to buy for our little boy.  So far the plan isn't to decorate or set up his entire nursery or have everything we need for the first 6 months and beyond. The plan remains to have the necessities on hand to make it through his first month (with maybe a few special boy items included in there).

For the most part I had remembered which items I'd saved and packed away in these boxes, but there were a few 'surprises' as I unpacked. One whole box that had been labeled "baby girl," which contained blankets we'd received for Hailey, somehow wound up with the ones I was going through. Another box had Hailey's pink crib sheet and pink changing table cover mixed in with the neutral items. And yet another box of neutral clothing contained a couple of outfits Hailey had worn.

Of course just being in a room that I was getting ready to make into a nursery brought back memories of getting ready to set up Hailey's room. And of course, seeing the "surprise" items that reminded me of Hailey stopped me in my tracks a few times... I'm not really sure how to describe the experience... Maybe as a bittersweet sobering reminder that Hailey was once here... It kind of brings "her" back to reality because sometimes it feels like she was a distant dream or memory... I may have instinctively wanted to cry one or two times, but I didn't even have to push them back or try to ignore them (well maybe a little if I want to be honest). For the most part, I felt a strength to continue forward instead of being held back in sorrow.

Even going through those baby items we'd saved that we could use for our next baby, whether it was a boy or girl, brought back a lot of memories. Memories of when we'd used the same item with Hailey or thoughts of how we never were able to use a certain item with her. I looked at the car seat thinking how glad I was that the design was one we could use again with our little boy, then thinking of how tiny Hailey was compared to it and how almost ridiculous it looked whenever she was in it. I unpacked the diaper bag we'd used with her and thought of the times we'd used it and what I'd packed in it. I unpacked the baby carrier I'd learned how to use but never actually got to use with her.  Bringing out the changing pad we'd used with Hailey was probably the hardest item to look at because it's associated with so many memories of her; she spent so much time on her changing pad when she was home with us because we were contained to our living room and used it as a napping-relaxing-feeding-changing station for her.

When I was through unpacking, I was surprised at how many things we'd received when we had Hailey that we can use now with our little guy. Of course there was nothing especially designed for little boys, everything we kept that we have now to use for the little guys is neutral yellows, oranges, greens, and browns. But we do have most of our necessities covered so we can make it through the first month even starting now. There will be only a handful of items on our list to try to purchase before baby boy makes his arrival so I'm glad that won't be too overwhelming. And eventually, when he's here safe and sound, I'll be ready and excited to get "everything else" that we need. (Still haven't decided when nursery decorating will occur, but probably not for awhile still).

In the end, I managed to unpack all the boxes and even do a little sorting and organizing. Thankfully, God, my Helper, enabled me to do it without becoming an emotional mess. However, the experience did bring up a lot of memories and thoughts and emotions - which I'm able to handle at the present moment - but I can feel my Enemy ready to flip them on me and use them to bring me back to a low place as soon as he has the chance. So I'll just keep doing the only thing I know to do, and that is pray that I continue going forward with healing, hope, and peace.

Confession: I need to get off my mat

"I believe! Help my unbelief." Mark 24:9

As I've alluded to in posts I've written since becoming pregnant again, this 'new' journey has been a bit of a struggle for me. Making the decision to start trying to have another baby was not one that was made easily or lightly, but when it was made, it was made after many prayers and after receiving a strong sense of peace from God. However, I have to confess, most of this pregnancy has not been spent in peace. And while I've generally mentioned this here and there, this is the first blog post where I'm actually going to explain the vague picture I've painted more in depth and get real.

The journey of this pregnancy after loss would be more accurately described as an intense struggle. A struggle that I struggled to have. A struggle that has been pretty much a daily occurrence. A struggle so overwhelming I only ever mentioned it to anyone very broadly because the truth was it's a struggle I've struggled to understand and wrap my mind around. And ultimately, it's been a struggle that I've felt ashamed for having.

The best way I can begin to describe the struggle that I've been going through for the past 6 or 7 months is to define it in the most basic of ways and what it all stems from..

Fear.

While the pregnancy started with a sense of peace, it soon became defined by fear. Clearly, there cannot be peace where there is fear.

I think part of my struggle has been that I didn't want to be 100% honest with myself regarding what I was fearful of. Deep down inside my heart knew it, but I didn't want my mind to access it. I didn't want to admit to what I was feeling or struggling with because it felt shameful.

Ultimately, I let the fear build up so much inside of me that it greatly began to affect my faith. This came as a shock to me. You see I had assumed if ever my faith were to be shaken, it would have started when Hailey was born and continued through the first year after her death. But thankfully, my faith was rooted firmly in God and actually became stronger than ever during that time. I experienced God more deeply than ever before. I felt His love more deeply than ever before. I heard Him speak to me and give me wisdom more than ever before. I trusted Him and submitted to His ultimate authority and sovereignty more than ever before.

I knew that making the decision of trying to conceive again after loss and actually becoming pregnant would be a whole new journey affected by the grief over my loss... But never did I anticipate the journey to turn into what it has. In fact, this second year after losing Hailey, which has been characterized by this new pregnancy, has been harder than the first year after losing her in many ways. But never did I expect this time to be one where my faith would become shaken.

My inward struggle arose in part from trying to understand where my faith was at. You see there was never a moment I didn't still see Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Never was there a moment I didn't believe God was who He said He was. Never was there a moment I didn't believe that the Bible was God's living word and true. The foundations of my faith remained. I knew God is sovereign. I knew God is ultimately in control. I knew God had a purpose for allowing certain things to be and happen, and I knew He promised to work those for His good. I knew and believed a lot about God that I always had...

Yet, those unspoken fears I'd been harboring made my faith shallow where it had once been deep. I began to question and doubt more. I began to not like what I knew to be true about God and life. I began to not understand. I became not skeptical, but more pessimistic in my faith... which still isn't a good thing.

I would walk into church on Sunday and instead of leaving feeling like my faith was renewed or had been set on fire or feeling God's presence or hungering for God or anything of the sort like I'd been used to, I would leave feeling ... almost... sad... bitter...upset... The same would happen after being at a Bible study... It was frustrating to me. I didn't want to feel that way or be that way, but there I was.

While this might not make sense to you, despite feeling pessimistic, bitter, questioning God, etc., I turned to God in prayer just as much if not more than I had last year. In my frustrations, I did all I could in prayer to keep myself focused on God. Most of the time, since the struggle was so overwhelming and complicated and one I wasn't even allowing myself to see fully, I simply cried out to God in prayer, "Lord, Help me. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't want this to be going on with me. Help me... Help me."  I knew God knew my mind and my heart, even if I didn't want to admit it to myself or Him, I knew He knew, and I was thankful for it because I believed God knew what I needed even if I didn't.

But still, my struggle continued, defined by fear, affecting my faith, affecting my daily life, and soon paralyzing me. Nonetheless, I looked to God in every way I knew how for answers, wisdom, peace, and to "fix" the me I had become.

Not until very recently did I try to be completely honest with myself and God and address my fear and what was happening to me. Thankfully, mostly through several Bible studies and books I've been reading, have I been able to do so. I've been able to really see that most of what has been at work in me is fear. To some extent I knew it was fear, but I didn't really see how it was controlling me. In one of the books I've been reading that I've been hoping to hear God speak to me from, I read this:

"Anxiety and prayer are opposing forces that cannot coexist. They cause a battle in our minds, and one will always win out over the other..." (Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner, Wendy Blight, p. 70).

The battle sounded familiar. I felt my anxiety or fear and tried to go to God in prayer... But I was so frustrated... It wasn't really working out for me... And then I read this:

"...in prayer we no longer magnify our problem, we magnify God. However, it is our choice; we must choose to give everything over to God. My choice thus far had been fear" (Blight, p. 70).

I knew through my frustrations with God I was telling him I trusted him with everything, but one thing. And here's the first part of the confession which you may already see coming: the one thing I wasn't trusting him with was this new child of mine. I knew I needed to surrender everything to him. I knew it was ridiculous that I felt like I could withhold the child he was creating inside of me from him! But there I was. I was gripped with fear trying to keep God from my growing baby (I'll come back to this later).

I continued to read as the author explained how she manipulated her life and did everything in her control to ensure the thing she feared wouldn't happen again. She said:

"I had to be in total control at all times. This caused me to be in a constant state of anxiety... I did pray and ask God to take my fear away. I honestly believed I was doing what God required of me to receive His peace. Yet, day after day, I remained afraid. I continued to manipulate my life and others' lives to ensure... my peace of mind. I could not understand what I was doing wrong" (Blight, p. 71).

Later in the same chapter she titles "On the Mat," Wendy explains a meeting with her pastor where they discuss John 5:6-9 where Jesus tells an invalid to "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." After reading it, her pastor asked her if she wanted to get well and told her that he didn't think she did. She writes of her experience:

"... I was like that invalid. My fear had paralyzed me, and I lived in a prison of fear and self-pity that I had created... I had remained in my place of pain, sorrow...and fear. I had settled there. Worse, a man who barely new me accused me of being comfortable there... It was a hard truth to hear, but it was time for me to choose. Would I listen and obey? Would I get up from my mat of despair, take God's hand, and walk with him?" (p. 76).

And then she addresses her reader:

"I believed I had every right to stay on that mat because I was the victim of an unspeakable crime. My friend, you may feel the same way. You may justify staying on your mat because you have been wronged or are the victim of unfortunate circumstances...maybe the death of a loved one... The list of excuses is endless. But the choice is yours. Like the invalid in God's story, you can choose to remain paralyzed [or you can get up and walk]" (p.77).

As I read this chapter, the author's comments on fear, and the use of scripture regarding fear and anxiety, it was all very familiar to me, nothing really new; however, God did speak to me through it. I related to God's story and hers, which made me realize and/or admit for the first time, I was living in fear and it was the source of me not living like I wanted to live. I had let it paralyze me. I was like the invalid on the mat. I did everything I could to control and manipulate my circumstances... out of fear.

So here comes my honesty and confession... These things that I'm ashamed of but working on God with...

I fear losing this baby. In fact, I don't only fear losing this baby; more specifically, I fear this baby, my son, has / will have Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 21.

This might not sound all that shocking to you, but it is to me because I never wanted to be a person afraid of having a baby with Trisomy 18 or 21 - I mean I even published Hailey's story on Be Not Afraid... And here I am not even knowing if I'm having a baby with a chromosomal disorder, but I'm living like I am, and I'm afraid of it!

Let me go further. I am afraid the birth of my second baby will be characterized in the same way as the birth of my first, which was my worst nightmare come true. I am afraid my second baby will have health problems that land him in the NICU, like with my first. I am afraid I will have to bury my second baby like I did with the first, if he has Trisomy 18 like her. I am afraid my second baby will have health problems and other issues for the rest of his life, if he has Trisomy 21. If my second baby has a chromosomal disorder like my first, I fear it. I fear another child of mine being unhealthy and suffering. I fear the stress, the pain, the sorrow, the worry, and so on that accompanies that.

And I'm ashamed of these fears. I don't want to have them. But I do.

You see, I "made it through" Hailey having Trisomy 18. I saw God in it. I saw amazing things through her life because of her Trisomy 18. God carried me through it. The journey has by no means easy (hence where all these fears stem from, a pain that's very real, and so on), but God was in it and helped me through it.

However, if I were to imagine going through it again, I can't. I tip over the edge at the thought, and the fear starts to paralyze for me. For some reason, I can go through it once, but twice, I just can't. Please God, not again... And that's where the worries and thoughts shaking my faith come into play.

But from the very beginning of trying to become pregnant again, I knew the possibility of having another child with a genetic disorder like Trisomy 18 or 21 was very real... But I had a peace about it... I had a hope about it... And somewhere the peace and hope became replaced by fear.

I think I should probably explain something so you can perhaps understand more where my fear comes from and why it can grip me so. You see Hailey's Trisomy 18 was not expected to occur. Her form of the chromosomal disorder was not hereditary; it's "spontaneous" or "random."  There was a zero risk factor associated with her pregnancy. Statistically speaking the chances of us having a baby with Trisomy 18 was like nothing. While there was an initial red flag raised during an early screening, that screening was said to have been false, and everything else throughout the pregnancy said she was a healthy baby. But in the end, it was all wrong. She had Trisomy 18 and died.

While her disorder was not a result of heredity or something we did or did not do, somehow just because she had Trisomy 18 makes it more likely we will have another child with a chromosomal disorder.  In speaking with two genetic counselors since losing Hailey, they told us that the chances of us having another child with Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 21 climbed to 1 in 99, but the genetic counselors were highly optimistic and encouraging, believing we would have a healthy child.

This statistic has haunted me and is what gave birth to my fears. The statistic is "worse" than it was with our first baby. Yet the statistic still favors us having a healthy baby. But again, after Hailey, statistics don't mean much to me.

And so far this pregnancy, all of the doctors, midwives, ultrasound technicians, and so on that we have seen, have been optimistic. They've been more cautious because of our prior history with Trisomy 18 (which has actually only added to my fears), but they've remained reassured by normal and healthy results, findings, check ups, and so on. Over and over again I hear, "Everything looks good."

However, my fear remains.

Yesterday was my most recent prenatal check up at almost 33 weeks, and things continue to progress normally and smoothly. And once again, I heard, "Everything looks good." While I do delight in this and praise God for this, can you understand why it's not reassuring me? Can you understand why it doesn't ease my fears?

It's because we heard the same things with Hailey so now a part of me assumes the same thing with our son. The whole pregnancy we'll be told "Everything looks good," and then once our baby enters the world we'll be greeted with the news that he has a chromosomal disorder...

(I forgot to mention that one of the reasons it's been so much easier for me to imagine having a son who is unhealthy and imagine the pain and stress that might come along with that than imagine and hope for a son who is healthy and for a birth experience that is everything good that I could dream it to be... is because I've felt for some reason or another that I don't deserve it. For some reason the fearing, pessimistic part of me in this battle has made me feel that the joys of life are no longer coming my way... like I'm destined to a life of hardship and suffering (which maybe I am because God doesn't promise an easy life, but I've let myself take that to an extreme where I've stopped believing something good and joyful that I've dreamed of could actually happen). But I realized, while yes God promised a life of suffering and God promised and yes I am unworthy sinner... that doesn't mean God can't bring good my way or that my dreams can't be God's dreams and so on.)

This is my fear and struggle in as small of a nutshell as I can put it.

I mentioned before relating to Wendy Blight manipulating her circumstances. She thought she was protecting herself from what she feared, but in fact, those actions of hers were her being paralyzed by fear. I am doing that. I am acting out of fear this pregnancy. How?

I haven't thought of a theme for our son's nursery. Because I'm afraid. I haven't bought anything for our son's nursery. Because I'm afraid. I haven't registered for anything for our son. Because I'm afraid. I haven't wanted a baby shower (if anyone were to even offer). Because I'm afraid. I've only managed to buy a couple of blankets for him. Because I'm afraid. I can't go to the store and shop for the things we need for him. Because I'm afraid. I don't research anything or read anything about having a baby past pregnancy. Because I'm afraid. I haven't allowed myself to be completely excited and joyful and hopeful about meeting our son. Because I'm afraid. I haven't allowed myself to dream of a future with him. Because I'm afraid. I haven't written about this pregnancy / my son much on my blog. Because I'm afraid. I could go on and on about things I'm doing, only recently really realizing they are being done out of fear.

Today, I feel like I'm finally making progress with God... finally confessing my fears and doubts and so on (which there are more of than I have time to explain on here because this struggle has really turned me into a gigantic mess)... finally realizing I need to get up off my mat and walk. I'm continuing to pray for God's peace to fill my heart and to help me rid myself of fear. I'm continuing to pray for God to help my unbelief. But what I'm realizing is that if I'm going to get up off my mat and stop letting fear make me an invalid, I need to stop the actions of mine that are motivated by fear. I'm ready to be motivated by hope.

I need to make the conscious effort to start doing those things above that I mentioned I'm afraid to do. I need start doing the things people do who trust God and who hope.

Another part of my problem is that I have understood that God's will might be for our son to have a chromosomal disorder. This concept is one that has been at the forefront of my battle that made me want to withhold my son from God and tell God I didn't want that. But it's true, God might have that plan for our son. However, he might also have it in his plans for our son to be healthy. I am not to know right now.

So I need to start looking at those two possibilities without fear blinding me.

If God's plan is for our son to have a chromosomal disorder, then I will choose to walk confidently through that with God. No it's not what I would have planned or liked. Yes it is something that will be difficult and probably involve pain. But I will trust God and walk through it all with him... If and when I get there. Not before.

If God's plan is for our son to be healthy, then I will rejoice in that and praise God for that.

And because I can't know what the plan is just yet, I need to live in hope like I said. I need to accept and believe all the facts that I do have that overwhelmingly point to our son being healthy. I need to focus on those truths instead of fearing them to be lies. I want to be able to live hopeful that my son will live a healthy life. So I need to confront those fears and stop acting like he's not coming home. I need to start preparing his nursery, our home, and my heart for him. I need to hope in that.

(Even as I write this, I feel the battle inside. I immediately start to think about why I haven't been doing those things and how I don't want to do those things and have it turn out we never get to use them like with what happened with Hailey and how I'll have to deal with feeling mad at myself for being hopeful if things turn out that way.... It's terrible mess of run on sentences like that).

But as you can tell, I'm still in the struggle, but at least my eyes are being opened.

One of the reasons I've been ashamed of this all is because I want my life to shine for Christ. I want my response to every circumstance to glorify Christ. And honestly, being so fearful this pregnancy is not the example of a Christ follower that I want to be, sure it's human, but the fear doesn't let God shine through. So why am I even sharing this online then? The same reason I write anything... one, it helps me release the burden, but more importantly, it's my prayer that God will somehow use my missteps, lessons, experiences to help someone else. And if nothing else, maybe it will help you know how you can better pray for me?

So I'll end by saying this. I am absolutely in love with my son, even fear cannot attack that. I am so thankful that he seems to be growing and healthy. I delight and rejoice in my growing belly and feeling his movements. I continue to pray for my son to be born healthy and for his birth experience to be the one I dream of that's covered in nothing but joy and love. I am praying and making practical steps to rid myself of fear and doubt and instead choose to be filled with hope and God's wisdom.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

Hailey's Hope Delivery & Update

Hi everyone,

I'm so excited to tell you that I delivered a set of 30 NICU bags to Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt on Monday on behalf of Hailey's Hope. This was our second delivery of 30 care packages to Vanderbilt this year. The delivery of 15 baby boy and 15 baby girl NICU care packages was mostly made possible thanks to the funds raised during our Flowers of Hope fundraiser this spring.

I was thankful to be able to share this latest Hailey's Hope delivery with my husband who had the day off. I was also able to finally meet the NICU director face-to-face this delivery. She greeted me with a warm hug and is such a sweet woman (who also has family in the military which is an interesting connection we have).  As usual, the delivery was short and sweet, but as always, it was so important and special. I will never tire of being able to remember Hailey in this way and never tire of helping families who are walking down a similar path that I've walked.

Thank you so much to those of you who have supported Hailey's Hope. I say it often, but I feel like I can never express my gratitude enough. Most of you are never able to see or know what your support does when you donate $20, for instance, but please let me assure you that your support touches the lives of others in a very moving and positive way. Whether it's the family who's receiving the care package that was able to be funded with your help or me, you are doing something good for people who need it. And from me personally, to our supporters, thank you so much for allowing me to continue to do this and keep my daughter's memory alive... I really can never express how much that means to me.

Furthermore, I'm happy to report that Hailey's Hope has donated 149 care packages, 10 bereavement memory boxes, and 77 mother's day gifts since starting in April 2010. I think that's amazing, and I look forward to continuing to increase those numbers. I'm also happy to share that Hailey's Hope will be donating 72 father's day gifts to the NICU dads at Vanderbilt.

With all of that said, Hailey's Hope has once again dwindled down to very little funds and items to fill our bags, and like usual, we practically have to start from scratch again to be able to continue to donate our care packages to the NICUs (because as we know, the need for our bags is so great we've yet to be able to meet it let alone keep up with it).

Since Hailey's brother is due in 8 weeks, I most likely won't be doing much new with Hailey's Hope in terms of seeking donations and running fundraisers. However, I will be brainstorming ideas to continue to raise funds after Hailey's brother arrives and once I get back in the swing of things. During this "break," Hailey's Hope will still be welcoming and collecting donations for those who choose to give (and we sure do encourage that if someone feels led!). And Hailey's Hope will still be participating in some various things with Project Sweet Peas, which I'll keep you informed about.

Last but not least, I do want to remind everyone that Hailey's Hope is currently holding a book sponsorship drive for the book Prayers from the NICU. To place and order and receive a discount from the author, I need to place an order of at least 25 books. Therefore, I need to have 25 books sponsored at $10 a piece. I'm hoping to reach this goal by the end of the month, but things appeared to have slowed. So far I still need 9 books to be sponsored. If you or someone you know is interested in sponsoring a book / books, you can find all the information here. These books will be included in the next set of care packages we donate.

So to wrap up, Hailey's Hope doesn't have much planned for the summer, but I do hope to have a fundraiser and make another delivery early this fall, and during the fall, I hope to find a way to raise enough funds and resources to make our special Hailey's Birthday delivery of at least 50 care packages to the hospital she stayed at in Alabama on her birthday, December 1st. These goals and plans will mean a lot of work and will require a lot of donations so would you please be praying for our project? Please be praying that our recent set of care packages will bless each family who receives them. Please pray the family welcomes the bag and finds the items to be helpful and comforting and that it would even be a source of joy to them. Please be praying for fundraiser ideas that would bring in a lot of support for our project, and please be praying in general that our regular supporters would be able to continue to support us and more importantly that we would gain new supporters. Please pray that Hailey's Hope will be able to reach and even exceed its goals for the rest of this year.

Thank you!

Blessings,

Kristin

(Oh and Hailey's Hope is so close to reaching 500 likes on Facebook - if you haven't liked our page yet, would you? www.facebook.com/HaileysHopePSP)

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 4 months, 4 weeks

Today's post has been inspired by this blog post that I came across via Facebook - very briefly, it's about a project that tracks the course of one's grief essentially...

So where am I today, 1 year, 4 months, and 4 weeks into my grief journey and life without Hailey?

I don't think there's any easy or simple answer for that question. Sometimes I don't even know where I am or how to categorize it. Perhaps that's because every day is different, but generally speaking, I still miss her. I still grieve. And I try my best with God's help to carry on without her.

The ache from the hole in my heart that was left behind when she left us isn't as sharp or agonizing as it used to be or as frequent as it used to be... But the hole is still there; there's still an emptiness there... That brokenness that feels as though it's become a part of who I am is something God and I continue to work on together. I know only He and He alone can and will ever make me whole and fill me up completely, but it's a hard journey and not something that happens over night.

At this point into my grief journey, the rest of the world, family, and friends have moved on. That's one of the painful parts of grief, when you're left walking it on your own, but I'm learning to do that and I am thankful for the special few who do help me remember Hailey on her birthday or on a holiday or on any random day.

Today my feelings surrounding Hailey's life and death are intertwined with my feelings surrounding my current pregnancy (and today just happens to mark 2 months to my due date). It's a definite mixture of negative and positive emotions. The grief over losing Hailey has definitely made it hard to experience hopefulness, joy, and excitement over her brother growing inside me. And I've found this stage of my grief much more difficult than say last year at this time, probably because of everything this new pregnancy has stirred up...

In a nutshell, as I've said before, the grief isn't as 'bad' as it was initially following Hailey's death, but it's still there, and some days are 'bad.' I still miss her. I still cry over her. Some days when I'm alone with my thoughts and all is quiet, the void she left is very present and results in tears. Some days the tears want to come (and often do) from something random - whether it be  a commercial on TV, a random stranger's baby girl dressed in one of the outfits Hailey used to wear,  or decorations in a friend's nursery or baby shower invite that we'd used with Hailey. I still wonder what life would have been like with her. I still have a hard time answer questions like "How many kids do you have?" "Is this your first pregnancy?" and choosing to inform them that I had a daughter who passed away...

But like I used to write about (can't remember where or I'd link to it), I try to spend more of my time in the present than in the past filled with pain or in the future which fills me with worry and fear, but it's hard... Sometimes trying to be in the present makes me lose out on remembering Hailey like I sometimes want to (which is another difficult issue I'm having lately with my grief is how to do that) and makes me lose out on dreaming of a future with her brother... But most days it's all I can do to feel sane. And so perhaps I might characterize where I am on my grief journey by comparing it to being in a battle. I feel like I'm being pulled in multiple directions with multiple and often contrasting thoughts and feelings. One day is good. The next is bad. One day I feel at peace. The next I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and discontent. One day I laugh. The next I cry and don't want to leave my bed. I'm all over the place. In fact, some days the battles get pretty bad. I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books, The Shack:

“…pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly…And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place” (p. 97).

That quote absolutely resonates with me right now. I know some days I'm venturing into a dangerous place as a result of my grief. I'm trying to remember I'm created to fly, I'm created for a purpose, I'm created to dream, I'm part of a greater plan... Some days, it's just hard for my mind to convince my heart of that because I can't see beyond the pain.

But thankfully, on these days where I'm in the midst of the battle most of the time I'm trying too hard to analyze the battle and have my past and future figured out, and in these moments, God reminds me of the same thing he reminds the main character in The Shack:

“…you don’t need to have it all figured out. Just be with Me” (p. 178).

So that's where I am today, 1 year, 4 months, 4 weeks without Hailey. Sitting in a beautiful mess of grief trying to figure it all out which tends to create more mess, all the while trying to focus on God's truth and promises and knowing that I need to stop creating this mess and just be still and be with Him... (and if this post reads like a bit of a messy rambling, I think that's just reflective of where I am right now...)