I haven't written about Hailey much and that's for several reasons. But obviously, just because I'm not writing, doesn't mean I'm not thinking of her and missing her and loving her everyday. And the same goes for our baby boy we have on the way. There's not a minute that doesn't go by that I don't think of him without thinking of her and vice versa.
Building our family has been a struggle for us. The joys of our first baby were met with the tragedy of her death. The joys of our second baby on the way are being met with fears and worries. Some days I feel as though I'm conquering the struggles I've faced and am facing while other days I feel like they're conquering me.
And most of this has been an internal struggle. Some of it has been shared with my husband. Most of it has been kept from others. And almost all of the time it's kept from new people who I meet, but not tonight.
I'm sure what happened tonight was an accumulation of things. Last week we had prenatal appointment with our midwife. This week, after learning we are having a boy, I moved all the boxes labeled "Nursery - Girl" out of the nursery to be moved into the attic. It felt like I was moving a little piece of Hailey out of our home. I don't know what we're going to do with those boxes. Some day I will need to sort through them more. Anyway, yesterday I went on the bump.com only to find it had Hailey's information saved. It was telling me how many days before she turned 2, what she should be doing at this age, what she should be eating, and so on. Lots of reminders of Hailey's absence.
And then today, we went to a new Bible study where I met new people. When my husband was telling them about Hailey and our baby on the way, I burst into tears.
Literally burst. I had no idea it was going to hit. I really didn't think I was going to cry because I'm usually controlled in front of others and rarely cry, like I've mentioned before. But not tonight. Tonight a part of me tried to put up my usual wall and it was just not tall enough for my grief and my fears and my emotions. Tears let loose and flowed freely, but against my will. And I have to say I was completely embarrassed by myself. What a first impression to make...
But a part of me knows I'm being too hard on myself. I mean I lost my daughter not even a year and a half ago and here I am with a new pregnancy that comes with it's own worries not to mention I'm an Army wife facing struggles of moving, having a husband possibly deploying, etc. I doubt anyone there thought anything bad about me; yet, I remain embarrassed. I hope my reaction doesn't keep them from talking to me about Hailey in the future, because that's the last thing I want...
I'm not sure why I'm putting all this on a blog for everyone to read. Maybe it's because I hope you all will reassure me and tell me I shouldn't feel embarrassed or maybe it's just because this is an honest look at my life and what I deal with, whether you can see it like people could see tonight or whether you can't because I'm keeping it inside... This is my life. It just happens to be an emotional mess at some times. I'm a mother of a baby past and a baby future. I'm a grieving mother who's expecting another baby and there just happens to be a lot of sadness, fear, worry, doubt, and so on that I feel (and I'm sure pregnancy hormones are just exaggerating it all).
I find myself on Facebook a lot looking at my profile picture, which is of me and Hailey, and all I think about is how I wish I could have a picture of both my babies and me together. I wish I could have one of me holding Hailey, while her brother is growing in my belly... But I can't. I have to choose to have one of me and Hailey or one of me with her brother in my belly... And that leads to thoughts, that I know I'm not alone in, of how my family picture will always be incomplete. It's little things like this, that make up my life now, things that most people probably never even think about. I guess maybe that's why I'm writing... to enlighten people a little? I don't know... Or maybe I'm just writing because writing is a little like therapy to me, or maybe it's all of the above.
Either way, since I am writing and you are reading this, could I ask you to keep me in your prayers? Prayers for continued healing with my grief over Hailey, including comfort, peace, and strength. Prayers for my health and the health of our baby on the way as well as prayers for me to find more time being hopeful and joyful and less time worrying and being full of fears and doubts.
Thank you in advance.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be..." ~The Band Perry, "If I Die Young"
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Viewing Deployment as a Loss
The month of February was a very hard month for me. I felt like everything had come crumbling down on me. I felt tired. I felt weary. I felt exhausted with my life that seems to be throwing challenge after challenge at me last year and this year. Some days I would feel so bad and be struggling greatly emotionally, even more so than I did when I lost my daughter. And one of the most frustrating things that I didn't understand why I suddenly felt as bad as I did.
I found myself moody, irritable, and crying all the time. Sure I had things going on in my life that were contributing to the way I felt: still grieving the deaths of my daughter and father, moving from the home and friends I came to have in Alabama to a new home and community, learning of my husband's deployment, being pregnant again after our loss, and so on. But I wasn't just stressed about these things. I new there was something more going on, I just couldn't figure out what it was.
And then I read something that gave me my answer for why I was as emotional and depressed as I was.
I was mourning.
I wasn't just continuing the mourning process with Hailey and my dad, I was mourning another loss. I was mourning 3 losses at the same time and they were compounding each other.
I didn't realize what the third loss was that I was mourning until I read this article online.
I had been mourning the loss of my husband.
Now let me explain myself. No my husband is not dead, no my husband is not terminally ill, or anything of that sort. What my husband is, is deploying to Afghanistan for a year.
I wasn't viewing his pending deployment as a time of being separated by distance. I was viewing it as a literal loss in my life.
My mind became engulfed in the ideas that once he deploys I will be alone. I won't have my best friend with me. I won't be able to talk to him every day. I won't be able to do things with him. I will have to go through this pregnancy and (God-willing) this birth and raising a newborn alone. I won't have him. I will have to do everything alone. I will go from being married to being alone and single and perhaps a single parent. My mind focused on alone, and I somehow unknowingly began to view my husband's deployment as a loss.
In my mind, I had lost my daughter, my dad, and a year later I was losing my husband. My mind started to question God, Why are you taking all of the people I love away from me?
I was completely treating his upcoming deployment like I was grieving over losing him.
I'm so thankful I stumbled on that article to make me realize what I was doing. But I'm more thankful for what else the article made me realize.
These words:
"Even when he was deployed, he was still my husband. Although I miss him when he is gone, that is a very different type of absence than that felt by someone who is widowed or separated. We still have our love and our mutual support and our commitment to working together on our relationship and our parenting... Geographical separation is not the same as separation by divorce or death."
I read that and a light bulb went off in my head. I was completely treating the scenario like it was a death. But it's not. He is still my husband. We will still support each other. We will still love each other. We will still have each other. Just not like we've been used to. I still have my husband, even when he's deployed, we will just have a geographical separation. Now of course there is the chance with any deployment that there could be real loss, but an Army wife can't go there, and that's not what any of this was about with me.
Reading this article gave me immediate relief. No exaggeration. It gave me the reminders and perspective I needed to have. Because of this, I am more ready to face this deployment and to give the support and love to my husband that he needs right now.
I found myself moody, irritable, and crying all the time. Sure I had things going on in my life that were contributing to the way I felt: still grieving the deaths of my daughter and father, moving from the home and friends I came to have in Alabama to a new home and community, learning of my husband's deployment, being pregnant again after our loss, and so on. But I wasn't just stressed about these things. I new there was something more going on, I just couldn't figure out what it was.
And then I read something that gave me my answer for why I was as emotional and depressed as I was.
I was mourning.
I wasn't just continuing the mourning process with Hailey and my dad, I was mourning another loss. I was mourning 3 losses at the same time and they were compounding each other.
I didn't realize what the third loss was that I was mourning until I read this article online.
I had been mourning the loss of my husband.
Now let me explain myself. No my husband is not dead, no my husband is not terminally ill, or anything of that sort. What my husband is, is deploying to Afghanistan for a year.
I wasn't viewing his pending deployment as a time of being separated by distance. I was viewing it as a literal loss in my life.
My mind became engulfed in the ideas that once he deploys I will be alone. I won't have my best friend with me. I won't be able to talk to him every day. I won't be able to do things with him. I will have to go through this pregnancy and (God-willing) this birth and raising a newborn alone. I won't have him. I will have to do everything alone. I will go from being married to being alone and single and perhaps a single parent. My mind focused on alone, and I somehow unknowingly began to view my husband's deployment as a loss.
In my mind, I had lost my daughter, my dad, and a year later I was losing my husband. My mind started to question God, Why are you taking all of the people I love away from me?
I was completely treating his upcoming deployment like I was grieving over losing him.
I'm so thankful I stumbled on that article to make me realize what I was doing. But I'm more thankful for what else the article made me realize.
These words:
"Even when he was deployed, he was still my husband. Although I miss him when he is gone, that is a very different type of absence than that felt by someone who is widowed or separated. We still have our love and our mutual support and our commitment to working together on our relationship and our parenting... Geographical separation is not the same as separation by divorce or death."
I read that and a light bulb went off in my head. I was completely treating the scenario like it was a death. But it's not. He is still my husband. We will still support each other. We will still love each other. We will still have each other. Just not like we've been used to. I still have my husband, even when he's deployed, we will just have a geographical separation. Now of course there is the chance with any deployment that there could be real loss, but an Army wife can't go there, and that's not what any of this was about with me.
Reading this article gave me immediate relief. No exaggeration. It gave me the reminders and perspective I needed to have. Because of this, I am more ready to face this deployment and to give the support and love to my husband that he needs right now.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Is Unfavorable Really Favorable?
(I first wrote a draft of this post the day after my birthday, on January 24th, but I've been holding off on publishing it until my husband and I had confirmed what it's about. And this is really a 2 parter, but I'm leaving it as one.)
Part 1: The News
In a couple of months husband is going on a 12 month deployment to Afghanistan. (Update: In fact, he is meeting up with a unit that deployed soon after we moved here in Feb; he will be leaving in mid-April for his tour).
The news of deployment is not necessarily shocking when your husband is in the Army, but this piece of news was a little unexpected because his original orders had him deploying in the spring of 2012, over a year from now. Now his deployment has been bumped up a year and is happening very quickly after our move.
I have to admit, when I first found out the initial news, which was two days before my birthday, I felt such a contradiction of emotions. Many feelings of being thankful for the news and many feelings of sorrow over it.
As a supportive Army wife, I was thankful to have him deploying. I knew since before marrying him that deployments are a part of his career and fulfilling his purpose that God has given him. I know that it's now our family's turn to serve in this way that so many families before us have served. Soldiers leave their families and serve, new soldiers come and take their place so those other soldiers can return home to their families, and it's our turn. Also, I knew that for my husband to have the career he wants to have as an officer in the Army, a deployment now is what's best for him. The supportive Army wife in me is excited and proud to have him deploying.
As a mom expecting her second child this summer, I am also thankful at the news of having him deploy sooner rather than later. The reason being that my husband was either going to miss an entire year of our child's life or only 5-6 months. In our opinion as parents, we'd prefer to have my husband miss some of the pregnancy and the early months of our baby's life as opposed to have him miss our baby growing up from 6 months old to 18 months old.
However...
Like I said, while I was feeling excited, thankful, and other 'positive' emotions regarding the news, I also had plenty of negative ones.
Even though I had an idea of what I signed up for when I married the the Army (as most spouses do), let's just be honest, no Army wife really enjoys a deployment. We understand it, we support it, we're proud of our husbands, and so on... But we don't look forward to it, and it can be really hard on a spouse, a marriage, and a family.
So with that side of me in mind, it was hard to think that after the year of pain and grief and times of struggle our marriage has experienced in the last year, that this next year will be one spent apart with its own struggles and trials. That thought makes the news kind of hard to accept. In my mind, after the past year of grief and mourning that we've had, I'd love to have this year to be spent as a honeymoon year of sorts... relaxing... enjoying each other... having fun... exploring our new home and community in TN... delighting in this new, exciting pregnancy... and so on, but that doesn't seem to be what's planned for us. It's also hard to imagine myself separated from my husband for a year in light of all we've been through because in this crazy Army life, he's my only constant. He's my family. He's my best friend. He's my everything. Army life and this past year have made me quite dependent on him, which is possibly a bad thing if perhaps I've become too dependent... But anyway, this will be a hard separation emotionally for me... especially considering that we'll have been in our new house, in a new community, in a new state, only a couple of months at most before he leaves.
And of course, while the way his orders work out are good for our new family, the other side of the coin is that it's also completely difficult and scary to have him deployed while I'm pregnant. To have a pregnant wife with a deployed husband is not something new in the military. It happens all the time. However, for us, for me, this is harder than most cases I'd think. Considering everything that happened with Hailey and my fears associated with this pregnancy, not having my husband by my side during this pregnancy and the chance of him not being there when the baby is born (especially if something does go wrong) is really hard.
So while the news hit me with completely conflicting and contradictory emotions, I also have to admit that when the slightest thing upsets me, I let it snowball into something terrible... and this time was no different. My mind and heart immediately narrowed in on the negatives and started going through doubts, fears, and worries making me feel anxious, stressed, scared, sad, distraught... and ultimately questioning God.
At times, I feel like when we moved to Alabama, my life drastically shifted paths. My life went from calm, expected, carefree, innocent, and full... feeling like I had it all... to a life of change and pain. The biggest events obviously being the deaths of our first baby and my dad. After a very hard year of grieving and healing, I felt like maybe that season of hurting was over and that good things were ahead. However, as I learned, I'm not guaranteed a good life or happiness here on earth, so a part of me has almost become cynical about this life, wondering if there will be reasons for joy and hope this side of heaven for me. And just when I feel like there might be, feeling more and more healed from my grief, finding out the joyous and wonderful news that we're expecting again... that joy almost immediately gets hit with the news of my husband's pending deployment. I felt like I couldn't get a break. That it's one thing after another after another...
Again, in all honesty, after my mind started snowballing like this, I began crying and crying and praying and praying. My ramblings to God went something like this:
God, why is this your plan? Why have you called my husband to be in the Army? Why have you called me to be an Army wife? Why is this all happening to me? First Hailey, then my dad, then everything in the aftermath of their losses, then to learn we're pregnant again, and then this... Please God give me some insight and wisdom into your plan. I want to be happy. No, I want to be content with my life. But Lord I feel so discontent! I don't understand the pain. I know you have a plan. I know you can make something good out of pain you don't intend. I know what your word says about life. I know what you say about suffering. But Lord, I just don't know how to do it anymore... Can't I just have a good life here on earth too? I want a favorable life and I feel like everything I'm being given is unfavorable. Lord I want to be a faithful servant of yours, but I'm having a hard time keeping the faith and being content. Honestly, I seem to be having a hard time trusting. Please Lord help me trust. I just feel at a loss...
I prayed and cried and prayed some more. I went over and over various Bible verses I've memorized over the years reminding myself of God's promises for my life, but I was just feeling disconnected, like I was pushing myself away from God for not understanding him... But I did what I learned to do in the past year, and that's to turn toward God even when I feel like running. So after my session of crying and praying, I wrote down my cries and prayers to God in my faith journal and then opened my Bible to where I'd last left off in my study of the book of Jeremiah.
Part 2: God Speaks
I began to read Jeremiah 42, praying God had written something for me in this moment of need. Anything italicized comes directly from the notes I wrote that night in my journal as I read Jeremiah 42:
Vs. 6 "Whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the Lord our God...so that it will go well for us." Lord I need faith like that... I fear what you want for me, I view it as unfavorable, and all I can say is I don't want it... Help me to accept your plans...)
Vs. 7 - 10 days later Jeremiah received an answer from the Lord to give to the people (there was a period of waiting, an immediate answer was not given)
Vs. 9 - answer - WOW- God are you speaking to me?! God answers - if you do what is unfavorable in your eyes, but what I command, then "I will build you up" "Do not be afraid... of [what] you now fear" Butif they disobey do what they think is favorable, then God will bring sword, famine, death, etc.
God's people were told that if they stay in the land Babylon had control over (something that certainly seemed unfavorable and dangerous to them where they thought they would see war, poverty, hunger, etc.), that he will protect them and essentially bless them. God also told his people that if they flee to Egypt (something that seemed favorable to them where they thought they would be safe and free of struggles), that they will in fact face all the things they feared and he warned them that they will die there. In the next chapter, they accuse Jeremiah of lying, refusing to believe those were God's words, and go to Egypt in disobedience... (If you want to know the rest of what happens, well, you can read it, or know that what God said would happen, happened).
After reading this passage that night, I seemed to feel like I was with God's remnant there, I say I want to obey God and do what he calls me to do, yet, when I have God's answer and call for my life, and it seems unfavorable to me, my initial reaction is to say no, that can't be, that doesn't seem right, and go on my own way, leading me into destruction. Thankfully, this passage enlightened me to something before I could go that way. I'm viewing the future God called us to as unfavorable, but perhaps what looks unfavorable, will really turn out to be favorable, where God may spare us from certain hardships, bless us in return for our faith, etc. I'll say one thing, it sure gives me courage to go into this deployment knowing it's what God is calling us to do. It's for a reason, and like always, I just need to trust in God and not worry about the reason.
Part 1: The News
In a couple of months husband is going on a 12 month deployment to Afghanistan. (Update: In fact, he is meeting up with a unit that deployed soon after we moved here in Feb; he will be leaving in mid-April for his tour).
The news of deployment is not necessarily shocking when your husband is in the Army, but this piece of news was a little unexpected because his original orders had him deploying in the spring of 2012, over a year from now. Now his deployment has been bumped up a year and is happening very quickly after our move.
I have to admit, when I first found out the initial news, which was two days before my birthday, I felt such a contradiction of emotions. Many feelings of being thankful for the news and many feelings of sorrow over it.
As a supportive Army wife, I was thankful to have him deploying. I knew since before marrying him that deployments are a part of his career and fulfilling his purpose that God has given him. I know that it's now our family's turn to serve in this way that so many families before us have served. Soldiers leave their families and serve, new soldiers come and take their place so those other soldiers can return home to their families, and it's our turn. Also, I knew that for my husband to have the career he wants to have as an officer in the Army, a deployment now is what's best for him. The supportive Army wife in me is excited and proud to have him deploying.
As a mom expecting her second child this summer, I am also thankful at the news of having him deploy sooner rather than later. The reason being that my husband was either going to miss an entire year of our child's life or only 5-6 months. In our opinion as parents, we'd prefer to have my husband miss some of the pregnancy and the early months of our baby's life as opposed to have him miss our baby growing up from 6 months old to 18 months old.
However...
Like I said, while I was feeling excited, thankful, and other 'positive' emotions regarding the news, I also had plenty of negative ones.
Even though I had an idea of what I signed up for when I married the the Army (as most spouses do), let's just be honest, no Army wife really enjoys a deployment. We understand it, we support it, we're proud of our husbands, and so on... But we don't look forward to it, and it can be really hard on a spouse, a marriage, and a family.
So with that side of me in mind, it was hard to think that after the year of pain and grief and times of struggle our marriage has experienced in the last year, that this next year will be one spent apart with its own struggles and trials. That thought makes the news kind of hard to accept. In my mind, after the past year of grief and mourning that we've had, I'd love to have this year to be spent as a honeymoon year of sorts... relaxing... enjoying each other... having fun... exploring our new home and community in TN... delighting in this new, exciting pregnancy... and so on, but that doesn't seem to be what's planned for us. It's also hard to imagine myself separated from my husband for a year in light of all we've been through because in this crazy Army life, he's my only constant. He's my family. He's my best friend. He's my everything. Army life and this past year have made me quite dependent on him, which is possibly a bad thing if perhaps I've become too dependent... But anyway, this will be a hard separation emotionally for me... especially considering that we'll have been in our new house, in a new community, in a new state, only a couple of months at most before he leaves.
And of course, while the way his orders work out are good for our new family, the other side of the coin is that it's also completely difficult and scary to have him deployed while I'm pregnant. To have a pregnant wife with a deployed husband is not something new in the military. It happens all the time. However, for us, for me, this is harder than most cases I'd think. Considering everything that happened with Hailey and my fears associated with this pregnancy, not having my husband by my side during this pregnancy and the chance of him not being there when the baby is born (especially if something does go wrong) is really hard.
So while the news hit me with completely conflicting and contradictory emotions, I also have to admit that when the slightest thing upsets me, I let it snowball into something terrible... and this time was no different. My mind and heart immediately narrowed in on the negatives and started going through doubts, fears, and worries making me feel anxious, stressed, scared, sad, distraught... and ultimately questioning God.
At times, I feel like when we moved to Alabama, my life drastically shifted paths. My life went from calm, expected, carefree, innocent, and full... feeling like I had it all... to a life of change and pain. The biggest events obviously being the deaths of our first baby and my dad. After a very hard year of grieving and healing, I felt like maybe that season of hurting was over and that good things were ahead. However, as I learned, I'm not guaranteed a good life or happiness here on earth, so a part of me has almost become cynical about this life, wondering if there will be reasons for joy and hope this side of heaven for me. And just when I feel like there might be, feeling more and more healed from my grief, finding out the joyous and wonderful news that we're expecting again... that joy almost immediately gets hit with the news of my husband's pending deployment. I felt like I couldn't get a break. That it's one thing after another after another...
Again, in all honesty, after my mind started snowballing like this, I began crying and crying and praying and praying. My ramblings to God went something like this:
God, why is this your plan? Why have you called my husband to be in the Army? Why have you called me to be an Army wife? Why is this all happening to me? First Hailey, then my dad, then everything in the aftermath of their losses, then to learn we're pregnant again, and then this... Please God give me some insight and wisdom into your plan. I want to be happy. No, I want to be content with my life. But Lord I feel so discontent! I don't understand the pain. I know you have a plan. I know you can make something good out of pain you don't intend. I know what your word says about life. I know what you say about suffering. But Lord, I just don't know how to do it anymore... Can't I just have a good life here on earth too? I want a favorable life and I feel like everything I'm being given is unfavorable. Lord I want to be a faithful servant of yours, but I'm having a hard time keeping the faith and being content. Honestly, I seem to be having a hard time trusting. Please Lord help me trust. I just feel at a loss...
I prayed and cried and prayed some more. I went over and over various Bible verses I've memorized over the years reminding myself of God's promises for my life, but I was just feeling disconnected, like I was pushing myself away from God for not understanding him... But I did what I learned to do in the past year, and that's to turn toward God even when I feel like running. So after my session of crying and praying, I wrote down my cries and prayers to God in my faith journal and then opened my Bible to where I'd last left off in my study of the book of Jeremiah.
Part 2: God Speaks
I began to read Jeremiah 42, praying God had written something for me in this moment of need. Anything italicized comes directly from the notes I wrote that night in my journal as I read Jeremiah 42:
Vs. 6 "Whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the Lord our God...so that it will go well for us." Lord I need faith like that... I fear what you want for me, I view it as unfavorable, and all I can say is I don't want it... Help me to accept your plans...)
Vs. 7 - 10 days later Jeremiah received an answer from the Lord to give to the people (there was a period of waiting, an immediate answer was not given)
Vs. 9 - answer - WOW- God are you speaking to me?! God answers - if you do what is unfavorable in your eyes, but what I command, then "I will build you up" "Do not be afraid... of [what] you now fear" Butif they disobey do what they think is favorable, then God will bring sword, famine, death, etc.
God's people were told that if they stay in the land Babylon had control over (something that certainly seemed unfavorable and dangerous to them where they thought they would see war, poverty, hunger, etc.), that he will protect them and essentially bless them. God also told his people that if they flee to Egypt (something that seemed favorable to them where they thought they would be safe and free of struggles), that they will in fact face all the things they feared and he warned them that they will die there. In the next chapter, they accuse Jeremiah of lying, refusing to believe those were God's words, and go to Egypt in disobedience... (If you want to know the rest of what happens, well, you can read it, or know that what God said would happen, happened).
After reading this passage that night, I seemed to feel like I was with God's remnant there, I say I want to obey God and do what he calls me to do, yet, when I have God's answer and call for my life, and it seems unfavorable to me, my initial reaction is to say no, that can't be, that doesn't seem right, and go on my own way, leading me into destruction. Thankfully, this passage enlightened me to something before I could go that way. I'm viewing the future God called us to as unfavorable, but perhaps what looks unfavorable, will really turn out to be favorable, where God may spare us from certain hardships, bless us in return for our faith, etc. I'll say one thing, it sure gives me courage to go into this deployment knowing it's what God is calling us to do. It's for a reason, and like always, I just need to trust in God and not worry about the reason.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
In Honor of Trisomy Awareness
The first time I'd heard of Trisomy 13, 18, or 21 was in my high school biology class. What each genetic disorder meant, I knew, but I wouldn't learn for another 10 years what one of those disorders really meant.
Our first born, our daughter, seemed to be part of a healthy, 'normal' pregnancy. A screening was done early in the pregnancy, the first part of which turned out positive, suggesting our first baby did have a genetic disorder; however, after the second part of the screening was finished and came back negative, the doctors ruled out the chance that our baby had a genetic disorder. A wave of relief rushed over us at the news and things progressed smoothly until it was time for Hailey to come into the world.
At birth, doctors discovered Hailey had a condition called gastrochisis, where part of her intestines had grown into her umbilical cord (or rather, they never left it). This condition required surgery which required Hailey to be air lifted to a level 3 NICU. We were told that this condition can be fixed, and there was no need to worry about it. However, while in intensive care, Hailey had many examinations and tests done on her. Doctors began to notice various 'symptoms' suggesting she may have a chromosomal disorder; features like her curled hand, low set ears, small eyes and other small facial features, the skin tag on her face, etc. Hailey's surgery to correct her gastrochisis was a success; however, her major complication had to do with her breathing as she would experience apnea, periods where she'd stop breathing. She also had some initial problems with her blood, and she underwent a blood transfusion. But in terms of other typical symptoms for chromosomal disorders, Hailey didn't have any. So doctors were hopefully that she might be 'fine.'
A couple of days later, we learned the results of Hailey's genetic test. She did have a chromosomal disorder. We knew if they said Trisomy 21 that meant she had Down Syndrome and would go on to live her life. We knew if they said Trisomy 13 or 18, that our little girl was going to die, because those are the fatal trisomies. They said Trisomy 18, and our lives were forever changed in a moment.
March is Trisomy Awareness month, and March 18th is Trisomy 18 Awareness day. If you followed my blog last year, you'll remember that Trisomy 18 day is March 18th for a reason. With Trisomy 18, a baby has 3 copies of the 18th chromosome. To represent the numbers 3-18, March the 18th was chosen, 3-18.
In honor of March being Trisomy Awareness month and Trisomy 18 Awareness day, Hailey's Hope is getting ready for it's first NICU bag delivery of 2011 to the Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt for the first time. We will be delivering 30 care packages to their NICU on March 18th, in honor of Hailey, who had Trisomy 18 and is the reason for Hailey's Hope and our connection to the NICU.
Please don't forget if you'd like to support Hailey's Hope and help us continue to donate care packages to families with babies in intensive care units, there are several ways you can do that. If you'd like convenience, you can visit our webpage on the Project Sweet Peas' website and donate using our PayPal button. If you'd like to feel like you received something back for donating, you can participate in our current fundraiser, Flowers of Hope, which ends April 15th. We are also welcoming of monetary and item donations that are mailed or dropped off.
Our first born, our daughter, seemed to be part of a healthy, 'normal' pregnancy. A screening was done early in the pregnancy, the first part of which turned out positive, suggesting our first baby did have a genetic disorder; however, after the second part of the screening was finished and came back negative, the doctors ruled out the chance that our baby had a genetic disorder. A wave of relief rushed over us at the news and things progressed smoothly until it was time for Hailey to come into the world.
At birth, doctors discovered Hailey had a condition called gastrochisis, where part of her intestines had grown into her umbilical cord (or rather, they never left it). This condition required surgery which required Hailey to be air lifted to a level 3 NICU. We were told that this condition can be fixed, and there was no need to worry about it. However, while in intensive care, Hailey had many examinations and tests done on her. Doctors began to notice various 'symptoms' suggesting she may have a chromosomal disorder; features like her curled hand, low set ears, small eyes and other small facial features, the skin tag on her face, etc. Hailey's surgery to correct her gastrochisis was a success; however, her major complication had to do with her breathing as she would experience apnea, periods where she'd stop breathing. She also had some initial problems with her blood, and she underwent a blood transfusion. But in terms of other typical symptoms for chromosomal disorders, Hailey didn't have any. So doctors were hopefully that she might be 'fine.'
A couple of days later, we learned the results of Hailey's genetic test. She did have a chromosomal disorder. We knew if they said Trisomy 21 that meant she had Down Syndrome and would go on to live her life. We knew if they said Trisomy 13 or 18, that our little girl was going to die, because those are the fatal trisomies. They said Trisomy 18, and our lives were forever changed in a moment.
March is Trisomy Awareness month, and March 18th is Trisomy 18 Awareness day. If you followed my blog last year, you'll remember that Trisomy 18 day is March 18th for a reason. With Trisomy 18, a baby has 3 copies of the 18th chromosome. To represent the numbers 3-18, March the 18th was chosen, 3-18.
In honor of March being Trisomy Awareness month and Trisomy 18 Awareness day, Hailey's Hope is getting ready for it's first NICU bag delivery of 2011 to the Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt for the first time. We will be delivering 30 care packages to their NICU on March 18th, in honor of Hailey, who had Trisomy 18 and is the reason for Hailey's Hope and our connection to the NICU.
Please don't forget if you'd like to support Hailey's Hope and help us continue to donate care packages to families with babies in intensive care units, there are several ways you can do that. If you'd like convenience, you can visit our webpage on the Project Sweet Peas' website and donate using our PayPal button. If you'd like to feel like you received something back for donating, you can participate in our current fundraiser, Flowers of Hope, which ends April 15th. We are also welcoming of monetary and item donations that are mailed or dropped off.
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