I haven't written about Hailey much and that's for several reasons. But obviously, just because I'm not writing, doesn't mean I'm not thinking of her and missing her and loving her everyday. And the same goes for our baby boy we have on the way. There's not a minute that doesn't go by that I don't think of him without thinking of her and vice versa.
Building our family has been a struggle for us. The joys of our first baby were met with the tragedy of her death. The joys of our second baby on the way are being met with fears and worries. Some days I feel as though I'm conquering the struggles I've faced and am facing while other days I feel like they're conquering me.
And most of this has been an internal struggle. Some of it has been shared with my husband. Most of it has been kept from others. And almost all of the time it's kept from new people who I meet, but not tonight.
I'm sure what happened tonight was an accumulation of things. Last week we had prenatal appointment with our midwife. This week, after learning we are having a boy, I moved all the boxes labeled "Nursery - Girl" out of the nursery to be moved into the attic. It felt like I was moving a little piece of Hailey out of our home. I don't know what we're going to do with those boxes. Some day I will need to sort through them more. Anyway, yesterday I went on the bump.com only to find it had Hailey's information saved. It was telling me how many days before she turned 2, what she should be doing at this age, what she should be eating, and so on. Lots of reminders of Hailey's absence.
And then today, we went to a new Bible study where I met new people. When my husband was telling them about Hailey and our baby on the way, I burst into tears.
Literally burst. I had no idea it was going to hit. I really didn't think I was going to cry because I'm usually controlled in front of others and rarely cry, like I've mentioned before. But not tonight. Tonight a part of me tried to put up my usual wall and it was just not tall enough for my grief and my fears and my emotions. Tears let loose and flowed freely, but against my will. And I have to say I was completely embarrassed by myself. What a first impression to make...
But a part of me knows I'm being too hard on myself. I mean I lost my daughter not even a year and a half ago and here I am with a new pregnancy that comes with it's own worries not to mention I'm an Army wife facing struggles of moving, having a husband possibly deploying, etc. I doubt anyone there thought anything bad about me; yet, I remain embarrassed. I hope my reaction doesn't keep them from talking to me about Hailey in the future, because that's the last thing I want...
I'm not sure why I'm putting all this on a blog for everyone to read. Maybe it's because I hope you all will reassure me and tell me I shouldn't feel embarrassed or maybe it's just because this is an honest look at my life and what I deal with, whether you can see it like people could see tonight or whether you can't because I'm keeping it inside... This is my life. It just happens to be an emotional mess at some times. I'm a mother of a baby past and a baby future. I'm a grieving mother who's expecting another baby and there just happens to be a lot of sadness, fear, worry, doubt, and so on that I feel (and I'm sure pregnancy hormones are just exaggerating it all).
I find myself on Facebook a lot looking at my profile picture, which is of me and Hailey, and all I think about is how I wish I could have a picture of both my babies and me together. I wish I could have one of me holding Hailey, while her brother is growing in my belly... But I can't. I have to choose to have one of me and Hailey or one of me with her brother in my belly... And that leads to thoughts, that I know I'm not alone in, of how my family picture will always be incomplete. It's little things like this, that make up my life now, things that most people probably never even think about. I guess maybe that's why I'm writing... to enlighten people a little? I don't know... Or maybe I'm just writing because writing is a little like therapy to me, or maybe it's all of the above.
Either way, since I am writing and you are reading this, could I ask you to keep me in your prayers? Prayers for continued healing with my grief over Hailey, including comfort, peace, and strength. Prayers for my health and the health of our baby on the way as well as prayers for me to find more time being hopeful and joyful and less time worrying and being full of fears and doubts.
Thank you in advance.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be..." ~The Band Perry, "If I Die Young"
Don't be embarassed. Smile in between the tears. If you were to look at the list of stressors that psychologists look for in people's lives, you have a pretty significant number of them going on. Even just "change" is a stressor. So, don't be too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteFYI...Daniel prays several times a day for "Josh Krissy". We pray for Ben and Ainsley, too, but he can't remember them like Josh Krissy! :-) He is quite the prayer warrior, so I know that God hears his prayers.
Maybe there is some object that you can always include in family photos that could be Hailey's representative. That way, even though she can't be there in person, she is still represented.
Hang in there. God will get you through this...and much more. :-)
JKSB
Definitely, I will pray for you! I love that quote (and that song) from If I Die Young.
ReplyDeleteI know I don't like to cry around other people. You can't always control it sometimes and I don't think you should be embarrassed about it. Losing a child is a BIG thing. It's unfathomable to those who haven't experienced it. I do hope that those new people you met will talk about Hailey to you.
ReplyDelete