Is Unfavorable Really Favorable?

(I first wrote a draft of this post the day after my birthday, on January 24th, but I've been holding off on publishing it until my husband and I had confirmed what it's about. And this is really a 2 parter, but I'm leaving it as one.)

Part 1: The News

In a couple of months husband is going on a 12 month deployment to Afghanistan. (Update: In fact, he is meeting up with a unit that deployed soon after we moved here in Feb; he will be leaving in mid-April for his tour).

The news of deployment is not necessarily shocking when your husband is in the Army, but this piece of news was a little unexpected because his original orders had him deploying in the spring of 2012, over a year from now. Now his deployment has been bumped up a year and is happening very quickly after our move.

I have to admit, when I first found out the initial news, which was two days before my birthday, I felt such a contradiction of emotions. Many feelings of being thankful for the news and many feelings of sorrow over it.

As a supportive Army wife, I was thankful to have him deploying. I knew since before marrying him that deployments are a part of his career and fulfilling his purpose that God has given him. I know that it's now our family's turn to serve in this way that so many families before us have served. Soldiers leave their families and serve, new soldiers come and take their place so those other soldiers can return home to their families, and it's our turn. Also, I knew that for my husband to have the career he wants to have as an officer in the Army, a deployment now is what's best for him. The supportive Army wife in me is excited and proud to have him deploying.

As a mom expecting her second child this summer, I am also thankful at the news of having him deploy sooner rather than later. The reason being that my husband was either going to miss an entire year of our child's life or only 5-6 months. In our opinion as parents, we'd prefer to have my husband miss some of the pregnancy and the early months of our baby's life as opposed to have him miss our baby growing up from 6 months old to 18 months old.

However...

Like I said, while I was feeling excited, thankful, and other 'positive' emotions regarding the news, I also had plenty of negative ones.

Even though I had an idea of what I signed up for when I married the the Army (as most spouses do), let's just be honest, no Army wife really enjoys a deployment. We understand it, we support it, we're proud of our husbands, and so on... But we don't look forward to it, and it can be really hard on a spouse, a marriage, and a family.

So with that side of me in mind, it was hard to think that after the year of pain and grief and times of struggle our marriage has experienced in the last year, that this next year will be one spent apart with its own struggles and trials. That thought makes the news kind of hard to accept. In my mind, after the past year of grief and mourning that we've had, I'd love to have this year to be spent as a honeymoon year of sorts... relaxing... enjoying each other... having fun... exploring our new home and community in TN... delighting in this new, exciting pregnancy... and so on, but that doesn't seem to be what's planned for us. It's also hard to imagine myself separated from my husband for a year in light of all we've been through because in this crazy Army life, he's my only constant. He's my family. He's my best friend. He's my everything. Army life and this past year have made me quite dependent on him, which is possibly a bad thing if perhaps I've become too dependent... But anyway, this will be a hard separation emotionally for me... especially considering that we'll have been in our new house, in a new community, in a new state, only a couple of months at most before he leaves.

And of course, while the way his orders work out are good for our new family, the other side of the coin is that it's also  completely difficult and scary to have him deployed while I'm pregnant. To have a pregnant wife with a deployed husband is not something new in the military. It happens all the time. However, for us, for me, this is harder than most cases I'd think. Considering everything that happened with Hailey and my fears associated with this pregnancy, not having my husband by my side during this pregnancy and the chance of him not being there when the baby is born (especially if something does go wrong) is really hard.

So while the news hit me with completely conflicting and contradictory emotions, I also have to admit that when the slightest thing upsets me, I let it snowball into something terrible... and this time was no different. My mind and heart immediately narrowed in on the negatives and started going through doubts, fears, and worries making me feel anxious, stressed, scared, sad, distraught... and ultimately questioning God.

At times, I feel like when we moved to Alabama, my life drastically shifted paths. My life went from calm, expected, carefree, innocent, and full... feeling like I had it all... to a life of change and pain. The biggest events obviously being the deaths of our first baby and my dad. After a very hard year of grieving and healing, I felt like maybe that season of hurting was over and that good things were ahead. However, as I learned, I'm not guaranteed a good life or happiness here on earth, so a part of me has almost become cynical about this life, wondering if there will be reasons for joy and hope this side of heaven for me. And just when I feel like there might be, feeling more and more healed from my grief, finding out the joyous and wonderful news that we're expecting again... that joy almost immediately gets hit with the news of my husband's pending deployment. I felt like I couldn't get a break. That it's one thing after another after another...

Again, in all honesty, after my mind started snowballing like this, I began crying and crying and praying and praying. My ramblings to God went something like this:

God, why is this your plan? Why have you called my husband to be in the Army? Why have you called me to be an Army wife? Why is this all happening to me? First Hailey, then my dad, then everything in the aftermath of their losses, then to learn we're pregnant again, and then this... Please God give me some insight and wisdom into your plan. I want to be happy. No, I want to be content with my life. But Lord I feel so discontent! I don't understand the pain. I know you have a plan. I know you can make something good out of pain you don't intend. I know what your word says about life. I know what you say about suffering. But Lord, I just don't know how to do it anymore... Can't I just have a good life here on earth too? I want a favorable life and I feel like everything I'm being given is unfavorable. Lord I want to be a faithful servant of yours, but I'm having a hard time keeping the faith and being content. Honestly, I seem to be having a hard time trusting. Please Lord help me trust. I just feel at a loss...

I prayed and cried and prayed some more. I went over and over various Bible verses I've memorized over the years reminding myself of God's promises for my life, but I was just feeling disconnected, like I was pushing myself away from God for not understanding him... But I did what I learned to do in the past year, and that's to turn toward God even when I feel like running. So after my session of crying and praying, I wrote down my cries and prayers to God in my faith journal and then opened my Bible to where I'd last left off in my study of the book of Jeremiah.

Part 2: God Speaks

I began to read Jeremiah 42, praying God had written something for me in this moment of need. Anything italicized comes directly from the notes I wrote that night in my journal as I read Jeremiah 42:

Vs. 6 "Whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the Lord our God...so that it will go well for us." Lord I need faith like that... I fear what you want for me, I view it as unfavorable, and all I can say is I don't want it... Help me to accept your plans...)

Vs. 7 - 10 days later Jeremiah received an answer from the Lord to give to the people (there was a period of waiting, an immediate answer was not given)

Vs. 9 - answer - WOW- God are you speaking to me?! God answers - if you do what is unfavorable in your eyes, but what I command, then "I will build you up" "Do not be afraid... of [what] you now fear" Butif they disobey do what they think is favorable, then God will bring sword, famine, death, etc.


God's people were told that if they stay in the land Babylon had control over (something that certainly seemed unfavorable and dangerous to them where they thought they would see war, poverty, hunger, etc.), that he will protect them and essentially bless them. God also told his people that if they flee to Egypt (something that seemed favorable to them where they thought they would be safe and free of struggles), that they will in fact face all the things they feared and he warned them that they will die there. In the next chapter, they accuse Jeremiah of lying, refusing to believe those were God's words, and go to Egypt in disobedience... (If you want to know the rest of what happens, well, you can read it, or know that what God said would happen, happened).

After reading this passage that night, I seemed to feel like I was with God's remnant there, I say I want to obey God and do what he calls me to do, yet, when I have God's answer and call for my life, and it seems unfavorable to me, my initial reaction is to say no, that can't be, that doesn't seem right, and go on my own way, leading me into destruction. Thankfully, this passage enlightened me to something before I could go that way. I'm viewing the future God called us to as unfavorable, but perhaps what looks unfavorable, will really turn out to be favorable, where God may spare us from certain hardships, bless us in return for our faith, etc. I'll say one thing, it sure gives me courage to go into this deployment knowing it's what God is calling us to do. It's for a reason, and like always, I just need to trust in God and not worry about the reason.