Hailey's 8 Month 'Heavenly' Birthday

Eight months ago today, Hailey met Jesus.

Today, as I do every day, I celebrate her being healed and made perfect in Heaven. I celebrate her being surrounded by the love of God and feeling a joy that is unfathomable to me now. Knowing she is safe, happy, loved, and perfect with Jesus brings me peace and joy in return. Today, I try to imagine what Heaven's like and what she's doing there...

While there's something to celebrate today, there is something to mourn for as well of course. The other side is that eight months ago today, our daughter died, and we have to figure out how to live without her here. The living without her part is the hard part.

Days like today I pray for God to give me the right mixture of joy and sorrow in the truths above. Thankfully today, on the 8 month anniversary of her passing, the Lord has blessed me with a 'good' day. A day of positive remembering, a day of feeling loved as I replay some of the happy memories in my head, a day with feelings of a full heart... as full as a broken heart can feel. (I walked by a new baby being held in her dad's arms this weekend and the baby's eyes reminded me of Hailey's. Instead of being sad, I smiled. I've been focusing on remembering one of my favorite things about Hailey - her big, beautiful, round, eyes that were so full of wonder and love. These memories hug my heart.)

Today is one of the days where I am very aware of God's healing in my life, and I am so thankful for that. The past month or so has been filled with a lot of the pain that comes from an injury after a tragic event. The pain has been sharp and shooting through my heart. It's been dull and numbing on my mind. It's been almost unbearable at times. But like injuries do, they can heal, and I continue to experience that healing.

I know I've mentioned this a couple of times in my recent posts, but Hailey's Hope is probably one of the best things that has happened to me since Hailey passed away. It is such a huge blessing. It allows me to keep my daughter's memory alive. It allows me to fulfill some roles of being a mom that I thought would be impossible for me. Hailey's Hope gives me a way to talk about her and gives me something about her to talk about.

Another mom who has a project with Project Sweet Peas said something during an interview with a local news station explaining why we do what we do. When we put a bag together to donate to a family with a baby in an intensive care unit, it's like I'm taking care of her in a way... like I'm brushing her hair or giving her a bath, it's everything I don't get to do. I love her explanation because she is so right.

I grieve because I can't take care of her, I can't see her grown, I can't teach her to walk or say her ABC's, I can't do anything for my daughter that a 'normal' mom can do with her child. But lately I am realizing more and more that I am still a mom, and I can still be a mom to Hailey even though she isn't here. I can tell the world about her, and I can take care of others in honor of her.

Baby girl, I can't wait until the day I will go to you (2 Sam. 12:23) and you take me by the hand and lead me to Jesus and we both run into His arms ("Heaven is the Face"). With love that reaches to the Heavens (Ps. 36:5), Mom

More than I can handle

I'm sure you're familiar with the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle."

Or maybe you're familiar with this one: "God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

Have you heard these? Do you believe them?

I've heard these a lot. Over and over throughout the years. This year, this year that has been plagued by difficulties and challenges for me, I'm sure these statements have been made to me at one point or another in an attempt to comfort me. And actually I'm probably sure I've said something similar to myself in my head in an attempt to reassure myself I can do "this," I can handle "this."

The past 365 days or so have especially made me cringe at these sayings because there is a lot that has occurred in my life that I cannot handle. (Is it just me or have you noticed that people never want to admit they can't handle things? Why is this? I think it's because we are focused on ourselves, we feel like we should be in control, and, therefore, we feel like we're failures if we're not).

This week I read something that was a bit of an eye opener to me that I just loved. (I hate to reference Oprah but this was like an "ah-ha!" kind of moment.) I can't remember where I read it because quite frankly I read from an overwhelming number of books, blogs, and online devotionals every day. So I can't take credit for the following ideas; therefore, this may be a bit of plagiarizing. I hope you don't mind. :) Here it is:

You see the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle," is rubbish for lack of a better word.

It's not true.

God DOES give us more than we can handle.

Why would he give us more than we can handle? Because it makes us rely on him, lean on him, trust in him.  Because the truth is we weren't created to do this life apart from Him (even though we may try). When we have the mindset that God only gives us what we can handle, we put ourselves in control, we rely on ourselves, we ignore God, and quite frankly, in my experience, that doesn't really work out well. Life is more than we can handle sometimes, and God can use that to bring us to our knees so we turn to him with our problems.

Again, I feel like I am a testament to this. There have been many times this year when my life was more than I could handle. I had to (and continually have to) rely on Jesus who can handle it. I am not in control. He is. I am not strong. He is. I do not understand. He does. I can't. He can.

In our weakness, we become strong because of God (2 Cor. 12:10).

So the next time you feel that your circumstances are overwhelming and you feel like you can't handle everything that's on your plate, maybe you really can't handle it, and God's trying to tell you to turn to him, give everything over to him, and go through your trials with him.

Hailey's Hope: 3 Months Until Delivery!

We have 3 months until Hailey's Hope delivers our 2nd set of Project Sweet Peas' gift bags to the NICUs at The Children's Hospital of Alabama.

To start here's an overview or a reminder of what we're looking for and what our goals are for the 2nd round of deliveries on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1, 2010:

50 Basic NICU Bags  & 10 Angel Gift Bags

To be delivered on December 1, 2010 to The Children's Hospital (The University of Alabama at Birmingham)

In Honor of Hailey’s 1st Birthday!

Please consider donating any of the items on the lists below. Items must be new. Handmade and crafted items are welcome! Consider mailing a check donation that will be used to cover the costs of purchasing needed items to fill the bags. Interested in promoting our project or doing a fundraiser on our behalf? Just let us know! For information on donating please email: Kristin@projectsweetpeas.com


“Basic NICU” Items

Baby Blanket, Stuffed Animal, Baby Hat,Scratch Mittens, Disposable Camera, Picture Frame, Baby / Children’s Book, Baby Clothing, Lip Balm, Pen & Journal/ Notebook, Baby Brush/ Comb Hand/Foot Mold or Print Kit, Birth Record Pillow, Tissue Packs, Hand Sanitizer, Travel Toiletries, Baby Socks

"Angel" Items

Memory Box, Stuffed Animal, Hand/Foot Mold, Hand/Foot Print Kit, Tissue Packs, Grief Books, Baby Blanket, Picture Frame, Infant Loss Jewelry Remembrance Item

Now for some updates...

We are off to an AWESOME start! Here is what we have as of today, September 2nd:

Money available in fund to use to purchase items as needed for our bags: $194

Items donated: 36 pens, 5 notebooks, 2 children's books, 3 brushes, 5 pairs of scratch mittens, 1 pair of socks, 10 baby hats, 12 travel size tissue packs, 3 travel toiletry kits, 30 picture frames/photo albums, 16 blankets, 14 birth record pillows, 38 baby clothing items, and 24 stuffed animals

Here are some fundraisers and other things we have in the works to help us reach our goal for December's delivery:

1.) We will be placing coin collection jars at local businesses.

2.) We will have a booth at an annual craft fair/ small business event called the Hollyday Mart, which will be held on November 13. I will be selling the headbands I'm making for Blossoms of Blessings, advertising for Hailey's Hope & Project Sweet Peas, and possibly selling some items with our logos.

3.) We will be doing a balloon release either on Hailey's birthday (Dec. 1st) or on her Heavenly birthday (Jan. 6th). People will be able to purchase a balloon and include a message for a small amount of money and all proceeds will go to Hailey's Hope. This is in the very early stages of planning so more information will come later.

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported and donated to Hailey's Hope and thank you to those of you who will be helping us in the future! I am completely confident that we will reach our goal with your help!

She would have been 9 months old

Today Hailey would have turned 9 months old. I feel like I say this every month, but I can hardly believe it because she will forever remain 36 days old.

It's so hard to imagine her older, as a 9 month old. Sometimes I end up browsing through pictures of other people's babies who are around her 'age' and try to picture her... But I can't.

I can hardly imagine having a 9 month old if she were still alive. It's almost somewhat shocking for me to think that I would have been a mom of a 9 month old. I guess it's because I've spent the last 8 months without her, and I've only ever known her as a newborn to a month and a week old.

Part of me fears her 1st birthday and every birthday after that. Some day I won't be saying she turned so many months old, I will be saying she would have turned 16 years old ...and it's so strange to me...

But I continue to find comfort in knowing God created her and knew her number of days. He always knew she would only be 36 days old. She was never supposed to live more than 36 days, and I continue to trust in God's plans that surpass our understanding. (Psalm 139:16, Eph. 3:19, Phil. 4:7).

And while I've been struggling lately to understand and wrestling with God over how other couples are "blessed" with healthy babies and we were "blessed" with a sick baby, I'm reminded that Hailey's life was actually a miracle. She was a miracle. I do believe creation and all babies are a miracle of God's, but I think Hailey's life was a special miracle of God's. Everything about her, since she had Trisomy 18, scientifically and medically speaking said she shouldn't have survived or lived. Her genetic disorder after all classifies her as being "incompatible with life." It was a miracle she survived birth, and every day she lived was a miracle. Because everything said she shouldn't have lived. Every cell in her body told her she shouldn't live, and she did. For 36 days. No she didn't conquer death or continue growing as a "normal" child, but her life remains miraculous.

Surprisingly, given my state over the past few weeks, today has been the best day I've had in a long time, and I am so thankful to be able to be full of joy and warmth on Hailey's birthday. It makes me able to appreciate her and celebrate her. I much prefer remembering her with a genuine smile and a warm heart instead of tears and feelings of grief and loneliness and brokenness (although I do recognize there is a time for those moments).

My joy today comes first and foremost from God - his love, his promises, and his power. As I've been praying my "life verse" over and over again lately- Romans 15:13 - that my God of hope will fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in him, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit - I feel him answering my prayers and giving me that joy, peace, and hope today that I so desperately need.

My joy also comes from His blessings, which today have come in many forms. God has blessed me with an absolutely gorgeous day here in lower Alabama. The skies are that beautiful, bright Alabama blue, the sun is shining, a refreshing breeze is blowing, and the humidity is gone. Today Opie and I made the most of it, and this morning we started our day with our first walk since the summer heat hit. It felt wonderful!

And my joy comes through the blessings of Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. Our goal through Hailey's Hope is to bless others, but Hailey's Hope & PSP have really become blessings to me as well. Over the past few days I've received a few encouraging messages about potential donations and have received a few donations in the mail. Feeling the love and support of others with Hailey's Hope brings me so much comfort. It makes me know that people still care about us, about Hailey, and about what we're doing in memory of her. (I hope to write another post before the weekend giving an update about Hailey's Hope so keep a look out for that.)

Today I just ask if you're reading this that you would say a prayer for Josh and I - you can use my favorite verse above if you're wondering what to pray. Even though more and more time has passed since losing Hailey and our lives go forward, we still hurt, still need healing daily, and still need God's help through it all.  Or if you're not the praying type, maybe you could share Hailey's story or share about Hailey's Hope to keep her memory alive since she's not with us on her 9 month birthday. Thank you. :)