7 Months; Pslam 73

Usually I do a "Faith Dare Friday" post on Fridays... but not today. Today marks 7 months without Hailey.

The greatest struggle I'm having is a love that feels incomplete. A love that is meant to be given to my daughter but instead remains captive inside me, not able to be released. Imagine water filling a balloon. The water keeps pouring; the balloon keeps expanding. The water never stops and eventually the balloon bursts. That's how my heart feels some days. My love for her remains and grows in my heart, but I am unable to give my love to her. So the love swells and expands inside of me, like a water balloon filling up, and this actually causes pain. It hurts as it sits there with no relief becoming heavier and heavier with pressure. Eventually it causes my heart to break and the 'burst' comes in the form of tears.

This week has been an emotional one (and yes I'm blaming part of it on being a hormonal woman). But I've been thinking of my dad a lot. I had a dream about him the other night. It was reminiscent of the last time I hugged him, and I knew it was our goodbye. In my dream everything about that day was the same, but this time my dad and I spoke the feelings and thoughts in our head. And this time, I didn't put my wall up which makes me feel strong and hold back the tears. This time, in my dream, as I spent that moment wrapped in my dad's arms... I buried my face in his chest and let my sorrow, fear, and grief out. I sobbed and sobbed as I embraced my dad for the final time...

And of course, I've been thinking of Hailey a lot. Since she's passed, I've been going longer and longer between the gut-wrenching-sobbing-lost-in-grief moments. But they're still there. If I wanted to analyze it, I would say for the past several months this has happened about once a month. But this month it's happened twice in a week. I feel like I've pinned the occurrences down to right around this week of remembering her birthday and her passing, yet when these moments hit me, it always feels like it's out of nowhere.

Yesterday I struggled not to throw myself a pity party, which I'm really good at doing by the way. I struggled with thinking about only the negative aspects of my life and about the positive aspects of others' lives. I struggled with doing that painful game of comparing my life to that of someone else - why is my life like *this* and why does *this person* get everything they've ever dreamed of... I try to be faithful to God and *this person* couldn't care less about God... I struggle with feeling like I'm given troubles and they are given blessings and saying it's not fair...  I battled with jealousy, envy, discontentment, frustration, and anger. At one point I wanted to take every glass in my house and smash it against a wall. I didn't of course, but yes I really had that thought.

In the midst of these thoughts and feelings, I longed to understand and to be comforted. And of course, God came through. Like he always does.

Last night while waiting for Josh to come to bed, I grabbed my Bible from on top of my nightstand. I've been studying the book of Isaiah, but for some reason I flipped it open to a "random" page in the books of Psalms. I wanted a comforting word and there it was. A seemingly random turn of the page, and there were the words I needed to hear... words that, to my surprise, echoed my thoughts:

Psalm 73

¹Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.

³ For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

⁴ They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.

⁵ They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.

⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace...

¹² This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

¹³ Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.

¹⁴ All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning...

¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me

¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny...

²¹ When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

Seriously, I love God. I am so thankful for his perfect timing on this one. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in my struggles. This was exactly what was on my heart, and I needed these words and reminders to bring me peace and comfort. And I did exactly what the psalmist wrote in verse 28. My emotional wreck of a mind and heart were calmed, and I found sleep by making the Lord my refuge, feeling wrapped and safe in my heavenly father's arms.

But yes, even though God is my refuge, my healer, my comforter, my all-in-all... life is still hard, and I still miss Hailey. Losing her still hurts and always will, and I will still cry many tears over her.

Oh and one last thing, I think I wrote this in the post on her 8 month birthday, but I have been struggling to remember her... I don't know if there is anything worse than feeling like you're forgetting your child. For awhile I couldn't remember what her face looked like unless I looked at a picture - and of course I couldn't remember her smell or the sounds she made because those are the hardest memories to replay I feel. But today I'm able to remember her. Not perfectly I know. But today I can remember things I thought I was forgetting... although the memories are fleeting and hard to hold down in my mind... they're there, and they're comforting.

Even so, I think today if I can muster up the courage, I just might watch some videos of her (it's been awhile)...

He's a Black Hawk Pilot & I'm an Army Wife

Last week I mentioned Josh's selection so I figured I should share the results (and sorry for the delay): Josh will be flying Black Hawks (UH-60s) for the Army.

First and foremost, I would just like to say I am immensely proud of my husband, and I know that God has great plans for him as a Black Hawk pilot.

Anyway, thankfully, most people are familiar with Black Hawks so I don't have to do a lot of explaining. Think the movie Black Hawk Down ... not the 'happiest' reference to his airframe I know, but you get the picture. And just in case you don't, here is a picture of a Black Hawk:

Josh will start his advanced training (training in the Black Hawk) in a couple of weeks, and, tentatively, he will graduate from flight school in December, at which point we will PCS (move) to a new duty station. On his selection day the Army allowed him to list 3 duty stations he/we would like to move to next, and we selected Ft. Campbell (Kentucky), Ft. Bragg (North Carolina), and Schofield Barracks (Hawaii). But really we are up for going pretty much anywhere the Army (or God really) takes us. We should be at our next duty station for maybe 3-4 years, and, hopefully, Josh will deploy (which will probably be for about 12 months) shortly after arriving at our next place.

I will admit that being an Army wife is not easy. There are many 'perks' to being in the Army, but many sacrifices that are required as well. All I know is that I completely support my husband, his career, and everything that comes along with it. I doubt that most people from where I'm from, some family included, can even fathom what this all truly means, but I hope through our lives I can give them a little glimpse. I hope they can see a side to the military that often goes ignored, and I hope they can appreciate people like my husband who are serving this country, their families, like me, and all of the sacrifices we're making.

I thought I'd wrap up my post with this cute little piece that got sent to me on Facebook awhile back. You may be familiar with it, or this may be the first time you're reading it... but this does paint a pretty good, general, picture of what life is like for me, an Army wife.

Lots of moving... Moving... Moving... Moving far from home... Moving two cars, three kids and one dog...all riding with HER of course. Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house. Moving curtains that won't fit. Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours. Moving away from friends. Moving toward new friends. Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories. Often waiting... Waiting... Waiting... Waiting for housing. Waiting for orders. Waiting for deployments. Waiting for phone calls. Waiting for reunions. Waiting for the new curtains to arrive. Waiting for him to come home, For dinner...AGAIN!

They call her 'Military Dependent,',but she knows better: She is fiercely In-Dependent. She can balance a check book, handle the yard work, fix a noisy toilet, bury the family pet... She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts. She can file the taxes, sell a house, buy a car, or set up a move... all with ONE Power of Attorney. She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her. She reinvents her career with every PCS, locates a house in the desert, the Arctic, or the deep south. And learns to call them all 'home.' She MAKES them all home.

They leap into: Decorating, leadership, volunteering, career alternatives, churches, and friendships. They don't have 15 years to get to know people. Their roots are short but flexible. They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them. Military Wives quickly learn to value each other. They connect over coffee, rely on the spouse network, accept offers of friendship and favors, record addresses in pencil... Military Wives have a common bond: The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique. He doesn't have a 'JOB' He has a 'MISSION' that he can't just decide to quit... He's on-call for his country 24/7. But for her, he's the most unreliable guy in town! His language is foreign TDY PCS OPR SOS ACC BDU ACU BAR CIB TAD

And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his. She is the long- distance link to keep them informed; the glue that holds them together. A Military Wife has her moments: She wants to wring his neck, dye his uniform pink, refuse to move to Siberia, but she pulls herself together. Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, a wedding picture, and she goes. She packs. She moves. She follows.

Why? What for? How come? You may think it is because she has lost her mind. But actually it is because she has lost her heart. It was stolen from her by a man, who puts duty first, who longs to deploy, who salutes the flag, and whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband, She will remain his Military Wife. And would have it no other way.

Wait Pray Love

I felt led to write this post today. Maybe perhaps this is for you?

Have you ever asked yourself, "What is God trying to teach me?" or "What is God speaking to my heart right now?"

I know I ask those questions a lot.

Have you ever asked God a question only to be left in silence?



I have. We all have. We feel like our prayer is knocking on God's door, and he isn't answering, leaving us feeling cold and alone, outside his door, separated from him. We feel like God isn't hearing us, and so we assume he's turned his back on us or worse, that he's left us. We assume he doesn't care about us. He doesn't really love us. And then we become deflated by our thoughts. Why should he love me? Why should he answer my prayer? I'm worthless. I'm nobody. I'm not special. I'm not important. You know the ones.

Yesterday I read this verse in chapter 30 of Isaiah. Verse 18:

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

I don't know about you, but I hate waiting. I'm impatient. I want results, and I want them now. Waiting in itself is not something we like to do. We despise long lines at the grocery store, rush hour traffic, being put on hold during a phone call. We despise those things because it all involves waiting. We have a goal in mind, we know how to reach it, we want to do it as soon as possible, but something is standing in our way and making us wait. Waiting interferes with our plans and frustrates us.

Waiting is especially difficult when it's applied to God rescuing us out of the storms of our lives. In my storm of losing Hailey, I've waited for God's healing. I've waited for him to reveal his purpose for her life, for my new life without her. I've waited for God to reveal answers for what his will is for Josh's career as a pilot in the Army and my life as a military spouse. In these major life situations, I've waited...and waited...and waited.

Maybe your situation is also the loss of a loved one. Or perhaps your situation involves the illness and suffering of a loved one, being unemployed, relationship problems... fill in the blank... I'm sure you can identify a storm in your life, whether it be small and quiet or large and raging. We all have storms, and we've all experienced waiting to be rescued from them.

When I read the verse I mentioned above, I did a double take and reread it. In fact, I read it over and over again. Was I reading it right? First of all, it reveals the truths that God is compassionate and does care about us and does want to be gracious to us. He cares about our prayers. He cares about our storms. He wants to help us. He actually longs for us. Those promises are comforting, but they don't necessarily change the situations of our lives. There's still a storm, a problem, something going on, and we're still left waiting. But here in verse 18, God says those who wait for him are blessed! To me it doesn't seem natural that waiting and blessed are in the same sentence together, but they are. What an idea to ponder...

As God sometimes does, he 'spoke' to me about this again yesterday. This time I was reading a book. I read, "Waiting is trusting in God when things seem hopeless." I'm not sure why, but this quote just stood out to me. I think it is perhaps one of the best definitions of waiting I have ever read. Most of the time when we're in our 'storm' and we're waiting, we struggle with our lack of control over the situation. We can't manipulate events, people, time, etc. to work out how we want it to work out. We feel helpless, and often times since we can't imagine the solution, we feel hopeless. This is the role of faith; trusting God when you're waiting and things feel hopeless. And this is hard. It's really hard. I can say so from experience.

But like Isaiah 30:18 claims, if we trust in God and wait for Him, we will be blessed. The Bible mentions the benefits of waiting and trusting in God so many times that I can't begin to reference them, but you won't know them until you do it.

Now I must add some disclaimers here. First, a blessing or being blessed is not always what we imagine it to be. It doesn't mean things will work out like the happy ending we envision in our mind. It doesn't mean we won't feel pain, we won't hurt, we won't suffer. Second, waiting here doesn't mean sitting back and hoping things work out soon. Waiting applies specifically to a trust in God, to praying to God, to waiting for God to work things out according to his will. Third, throw out any time constraints you've put on waiting. Waiting could be an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, or most of your life. God doesn't work according to our schedules and time tables. So be prepared for that.

I've written about these things before here or there, but here is what I've learned about praying, waiting, and God. First, if you need to pray and want to communicate with God, you need to believe in and trust in him and his son first. You can't live your life for yourself, ignoring God, and throwing out prayers for help every now and then and expect him to answer or to understand his answer. God needs to know you and you need to seek him (Matthew 7:7). God created you and loves you. But he can't know you and can't reveal his love to you until you ask.

Secondly, I've learned there are Biblical guidelines on how to pray. The greatest lesson I've learned about prayer is praying for God's will to be done. If you pray for his will to be done in your life or your situation, you can trust that it will. But you have to understand that his will might not be yours. (I don't know why, but Garth Brook's song "Unanswered Prayers" always come to my mind when I think of this.) God will answer your prayers, but it might not be the way you would have answered them, and it might not be when you want them answered. Therefore, I have also learned another important lesson, which is to ask God to give you wisdom to understand his will and his plans.

Third, I've learned to wait. I won't say I've mastered it, because it remains difficult to do, and I think it always will. But just wait. Wait with God. Sometimes he just wants you right where you are and to rest in his arms and lean on him. Trust him. Wait. Endure. God says you will be blessed. It will develop your character, strengthen you, strengthen your faith, give you confidence, give you hope, and won't leave you disappointed.

Fourth, I've learned from my experiences in these past 8 months that God will always come through and will always rescue you. He has rescued me. He has answered my prayers. And with some things, I am continually in a state of being rescued and waiting on him. But that doesn't change the fact that he will answer my prayers of rescuing me and for his will to be done in my life. And whether I am, or you are, waiting or being rescued, God loves us.

So what is your situation right now? Are you in a storm?


Are you seeking God and coming to him in prayer? What is your prayer?

What answer is God giving you? Could he be telling you to wait?

How can this time of waiting and trusting be beneficial to you?

Again, I know this might sound weird, but I don't feel this post is for me. I've written about these things sporadically over the past few months, but I feel this might be for you?

Lord, Thank you for longing for us, for loving us, for waiting for us to come to you, and for rescuing us. I pray for the one reading my words today. I ask that you use my words to speak your heart to the heart of this reader. Reveal yourself to her/him. May s/he seek you, know the beauty and wonder of your love, the comfort of waiting and resting in your arms, and the joy of the hope you've given us through your son Jesus Christ. Amen!

Hailey's 8 Month Birthday

Today Hailey would have turned 8 months old. I can hardly believe she would be that old already. My mind struggles to imagine an image of her as an 8 month old. I don't know what she'd look like or what accomplishments I'd be bragging about to friends... I don't know any other way to say it than to say it makes me sad.

Usually I like to focus on celebrating her life and remembering her on her birthdays and reflecting on my grief on the anniversaries of her passing, but I don't think this post is going to follow those 'rules' I've set for myself.

I miss her.

I miss her every day of course, but some days missing her is harder than others.

So far today, in this moment, I am okay. The grief isn't too bad or unbearable. It's somewhat like an art I've learned to master. Although, like I said, some days are harder to manage than others.

While my grief often hits me out of nowhere, like a cold, hard slap in the face, I'm starting to notice it has a pattern or a cycle. For example, I seem to be having a 'grieving breakdown' once a month usually around this week of remembering her birthday and the day she passed.

My latest breakdown happened a few days ago when I became a sobbing mess late at night. My heart just broke all over again and everything I've worked to overcome and 'manage' with my grief just slipped away leaving me to only feel the raw, painful agony of losing my baby.

In retrospect, it's no surprise I broke down. A lot of factors influenced my break down I am sure. It had been a stressful week with my wisdom teeth ordeal and Josh's selection. Then on Thursday Josh had his wisdom teeth removed and that too was a stressful day as I tried my best to take care of him. It was late at night. My bedtime was hours past due. I was exhausted, but Josh was awake and, like I said, I was trying to be a good nurse for him. We were watching Bethenny Getting Married? on Bravo. I think I mentioned in a past post that I was testing the waters with watching this show - seeing if I could handle it, and for the most part I could. It hadn't made me sad; it had only made me miss being pregnant with her and made me think of my love for her.... That was until that night. It was the episode after Bethenny's baby was born.

Her baby was probably one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. Gorgeous and perfect. I watched the episode as Bethenny went through the sleepless cycle of a new mommy and as she talked about her baby girl and her love for her baby. I felt it coming as I watched, but there was a moment in the show that just made me have to leave the room. Bethenny's therapist asked her if she had any fears of her baby dying or losing her, etc. And she said no. Well that pretty much unleashed my grief.

Here this woman is with a picture perfect baby girl and all I can do is stare at her baby on my television screen and think Hailey didn't look like that.... Hailey couldn't do that... I couldn't hold Hailey like that... And then when she said that comment... she didn't have a reason to think about her baby dying, and here I am and that's all we thought of since the minute she was born. Every minute my baby was with me I had to wonder if it would be her last.

Yes, a stupid reality TV show made me hurt so bad. Seeing on TV everything I wished for Hailey in this other little baby girl... ugh, it just rips my heart open and brings back all the ugly questions, why did this have to happen to Hailey, my baby... it brings back the longings to see her, touch her, smell her, hold her... it brings back the memories of her weight in my arms, what it felt like to hold her little body... and then it brings frustration when I can't remember things... like the way she smelled... for a moment this week I couldn't remember what her face looked like so I had to look at a picture... and lately I've been trying to remember the sounds she'd make and I can't. I can't remember what she sounded like when she'd cry and it's driving me nuts. I know all I have to do is put in a video we recorded of her... but it sucks that all I have are pictures and videos... but I guess I should be thankful that I least I have those.

So anyway, back to my story... I left the room holding back tears. I went to the kitchen to make Josh some more chicken noodle soup. He couldn't eat it with a spoon yet so I was trying to pour it into a bottle for him to drink out of... well being exhausted since it was so late and feeling the grief banging on the door, I attempted to pour and managed to get nothing in the bottle and everything went down the sink drain. That made me lose it. My emotions overwhelmed. I ran to the bedroom slamming the door behind me and sat in the bathroom sobbing for a few minutes. Then I did my best to gather my composure and went back to trying to take care of Josh. But I made him change the channel. I can't watch Bethenny Getting Married anymore.

And then another day last week I had to tell someone about Hailey. It wasn't an awkward conversation at all. I talked a bit about her and the girl who I was talking to asked questions about her, which I liked. It went really well. Yet... part of me hates how it went. Part of me feels like I get it wrong sometimes, like people leave with the wrong impression. Whenever I talk about Hailey to someone I focus on the blessings of her life and how she was a gift from God, etc. Which is all true, don't get me wrong. But I wonder if I over due it for the sake of the person I'm talking to. I don't want them to feel bad for me or 'turn awkward', so I wonder if I come off like what happened to Hailey, to us was no big deal. And I hate that. I think the way I talk makes people feel like I'm not grieving still and that it hasn't been hard.  So I wonder if I give people the wrong impression because I don't want them to feel awkward or sad for me. I don't know. I just walked away from that conversation feeling uneasy about the smile I put on my face and responses I gave. They are all truthful and honest and real... yet somehow a part of me wants to scream out and say yes God has been in control and is carrying me through this, but you don't realize how hard it has been, you have no idea of what the pain is like or how much I miss her. And I think I also felt this was because she asked me if we were going to try to have another baby. I know it's a natural, innocent question that I would probably even ask if I were in her shoes, but it' s a question I still don't like. I know she didn't mean it this way, but when I get asked it I feel like people think having another baby will replace Hailey, will replace what we went through, and will make everything better...but it won't do any of that. Yes we would like to have another baby some day, but people have NO clue what that will be like and how hard that will be if'/when it's time for us to walk that road...

So all of this to say, today on her 8 month birthday, I miss her. I'm thankful for her life. I love her. But missing her hurts. And navigating my life in light of this grief I carry is hard and will always be hard. Hailey and my grief will forever be a part of my life. Even if I'm living 60 years from now, everything in my life will have been influenced by her and my grief and I will still be missing her...and I wonder if people will ever realize that as we all gone on without her.

**Love you so much munchkin. I hope you know that.**