Well I just finished watching some of our home videos of Hailey... I hadn't watched them since her memorial service. Seeing her and hearing her (little coos and little cries) was unbelievably refreshing and comforting (I didn't even cry!). The fear of forgetting her is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Thankfully, having the videos always me to remember her vividly.
So like I mentioned in the earlier post today, today I am choosing to remember Hailey and celebrate all that she was while she was with us.
I'm remembering...
...her tiny long fingers
...the feeling of her itty bitty hand wrapped around my finger
...her soft, fine hair
...the feeling of her mouth clench down on my finger as she sucked it
...her little leggies that were long and skinny
...giving her little legs and arms massages ... or as I called them 'army massages' to which Josh liked to reply 'what's an army massage and how's it different than a navy massage?'
...her tiny almost non-existent nails
...how she scrunched her face and squinted from the sunlight and camera flashes
...the feeling of my hand cradling her little tush
...how her eyes could become big and round and look all around as she took a bottle
...and...
...how the day I gave birth to her my heart doubled in size and I instantly fell in love with her
...how excited and proud I was of her doing better with her bottle every day
...how strong, courageous, and how much of a fighter she was despite all of her problems
...how much she made me laugh whenever she'd belch or stick out her tongue
...and a million other things...
I know some people think newborns like Hailey can't do much - they eat, sleep, poop - they can't really smile, they can't laugh, they can't crawl or walk, they can't talk...they don't have personalities... but Hailey showed me that's not true. Even in the first hours and days of her life, she had the funniest, bright personality and spirit - thankfully captured in a few photos (like the one on the left of this blog). She was both a goof ball and a gentle, peaceful old soul. She often looked like she was wise and deep in thought. I'm confident she smiled numerous times. And she absolutely glowed with God's love.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Some things I'm remembering about Hailey today...
Well I just finished watching some of our home videos of Hailey... I hadn't watched them since her memorial service. Seeing her and hearing her (little coos and little cries) was unbelievably refreshing and comforting (I didn't even cry!). The fear of forgetting her is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Thankfully, having the videos always me to remember her vividly.
So like I mentioned in the earlier post today, today I am choosing to remember Hailey and celebrate all that she was while she was with us.
I'm remembering...
...her tiny long fingers
...the feeling of her itty bitty hand wrapped around my finger
...her soft, fine hair
...the feeling of her mouth clench down on my finger as she sucked it
...her little leggies that were long and skinny
...giving her little legs and arms massages ... or as I called them 'army massages' to which Josh liked to reply 'what's an army massage and how's it different than a navy massage?'
...her tiny almost non-existent nails
...how she scrunched her face and squinted from the sunlight and camera flashes
...the feeling of my hand cradling her little tush
...how her eyes could become big and round and look all around as she took a bottle
...and...
...how the day I gave birth to her my heart doubled in size and I instantly fell in love with her
...how excited and proud I was of her doing better with her bottle every day
...how strong, courageous, and how much of a fighter she was despite all of her problems
...how much she made me laugh whenever she'd belch or stick out her tongue
...and a million other things...
I know some people think newborns like Hailey can't do much - they eat, sleep, poop - they can't really smile, they can't laugh, they can't crawl or walk, they can't talk...they don't have personalities... but Hailey showed me that's not true. Even in the first hours and days of her life, she had the funniest, bright personality and spirit - thankfully captured in a few photos (like the one on the left of this blog). She was both a goof ball and a gentle, peaceful old soul. She often looked like she was wise and deep in thought. I'm confident she smiled numerous times. And she absolutely glowed with God's love.
So like I mentioned in the earlier post today, today I am choosing to remember Hailey and celebrate all that she was while she was with us.
I'm remembering...
...her tiny long fingers
...the feeling of her itty bitty hand wrapped around my finger
...her soft, fine hair
...the feeling of her mouth clench down on my finger as she sucked it
...her little leggies that were long and skinny
...giving her little legs and arms massages ... or as I called them 'army massages' to which Josh liked to reply 'what's an army massage and how's it different than a navy massage?'
...her tiny almost non-existent nails
...how she scrunched her face and squinted from the sunlight and camera flashes
...the feeling of my hand cradling her little tush
...how her eyes could become big and round and look all around as she took a bottle
...and...
...how the day I gave birth to her my heart doubled in size and I instantly fell in love with her
...how excited and proud I was of her doing better with her bottle every day
...how strong, courageous, and how much of a fighter she was despite all of her problems
...how much she made me laugh whenever she'd belch or stick out her tongue
...and a million other things...
I know some people think newborns like Hailey can't do much - they eat, sleep, poop - they can't really smile, they can't laugh, they can't crawl or walk, they can't talk...they don't have personalities... but Hailey showed me that's not true. Even in the first hours and days of her life, she had the funniest, bright personality and spirit - thankfully captured in a few photos (like the one on the left of this blog). She was both a goof ball and a gentle, peaceful old soul. She often looked like she was wise and deep in thought. I'm confident she smiled numerous times. And she absolutely glowed with God's love.
Hailey's 2 Month Birthday
Today, Hailey would have turned two months old. Today is a difficult day. I'm not sure what to make of these types of markers in time. I want to remember her on her birthdays (months, years). Yet, right now, today is bringing me more sorrow than joy. I want to remember her...but I can't celebrate this birthday of hers. It's just a painful reminder she's not here, and we won't get to celebrate any more birthdays with her. And it makes me want her back too badly. And I'll see other babies who are about her age and try to imagine what she'd look like...and it hurts and is probably going to continue to hurt over the years.
So I guess I just need to readjust my approach to her birthdays - because I want to note them and "celebrate" them. I don't want to forget or ignore, and I want other people to remember her (and us) on these days too.
So while we won't celebrate today with a cake or a cupcake on her head so we can call her 'cupcake-head' or sing "Happy Birthday" to her like we used to, I will take today to remember her. And I will try to conquer the sorrow and pain of missing her with the joy and warmth that comes in remembering her beautiful life...I think I'm going to have to watch some of our videos of her today, maybe watch the one where she sticks out her tongue a lot so she can make me laugh again...that would be nice.
I constantly talk with God throughout my day (side note - I remember how frustrated I used to be when I couldn't 'hear' God speaking to me and never really knew what people meant by that anyway...well now I know...and it's so cool. God has been speaking loud and clear to my heart since Hailey was born). This morning while out on a walk with my husband and dog, I was going through all of this in my head with God. And while I started to focus on the negatives in not being able to have her here as my 2 month old today and not being able to celebrate this milestone of her life... God told me I didn't need to celebrate her 2 month bday (because I can't). He told me to remember Hailey and celebrate the month and 5 days we had her. God reminded me that today I should remember her and the joys she brought us. Remember her and celebrate the short life she lived. So today is a day of remembrance, and if I really want something to celebrate, God challenged me to celebrate February 6, which will be 1 month since she's been gone. Kind of funny to celebrate the month 'anniversary' of her death...and definitely a challenge because that will be another difficult day, but I know why He wants me to do that... it marks her 1 month birthday in Heaven, with Him, where her life is eternal and perfect. I ended our morning conversation on our walk asking God if He would ever get tired of reminding me of these things. And He replied, Never.
Loving and remembering you today and always my 'munchy-kin' and asking God to wrap His arms a little tighter around me today.
So I guess I just need to readjust my approach to her birthdays - because I want to note them and "celebrate" them. I don't want to forget or ignore, and I want other people to remember her (and us) on these days too.
So while we won't celebrate today with a cake or a cupcake on her head so we can call her 'cupcake-head' or sing "Happy Birthday" to her like we used to, I will take today to remember her. And I will try to conquer the sorrow and pain of missing her with the joy and warmth that comes in remembering her beautiful life...I think I'm going to have to watch some of our videos of her today, maybe watch the one where she sticks out her tongue a lot so she can make me laugh again...that would be nice.
I constantly talk with God throughout my day (side note - I remember how frustrated I used to be when I couldn't 'hear' God speaking to me and never really knew what people meant by that anyway...well now I know...and it's so cool. God has been speaking loud and clear to my heart since Hailey was born). This morning while out on a walk with my husband and dog, I was going through all of this in my head with God. And while I started to focus on the negatives in not being able to have her here as my 2 month old today and not being able to celebrate this milestone of her life... God told me I didn't need to celebrate her 2 month bday (because I can't). He told me to remember Hailey and celebrate the month and 5 days we had her. God reminded me that today I should remember her and the joys she brought us. Remember her and celebrate the short life she lived. So today is a day of remembrance, and if I really want something to celebrate, God challenged me to celebrate February 6, which will be 1 month since she's been gone. Kind of funny to celebrate the month 'anniversary' of her death...and definitely a challenge because that will be another difficult day, but I know why He wants me to do that... it marks her 1 month birthday in Heaven, with Him, where her life is eternal and perfect. I ended our morning conversation on our walk asking God if He would ever get tired of reminding me of these things. And He replied, Never.
Loving and remembering you today and always my 'munchy-kin' and asking God to wrap His arms a little tighter around me today.
Hailey's 2 Month Birthday
Today, Hailey would have turned two months old. Today is a difficult day. I'm not sure what to make of these types of markers in time. I want to remember her on her birthdays (months, years). Yet, right now, today is bringing me more sorrow than joy. I want to remember her...but I can't celebrate this birthday of hers. It's just a painful reminder she's not here, and we won't get to celebrate any more birthdays with her. And it makes me want her back too badly. And I'll see other babies who are about her age and try to imagine what she'd look like...and it hurts and is probably going to continue to hurt over the years.
So I guess I just need to readjust my approach to her birthdays - because I want to note them and "celebrate" them. I don't want to forget or ignore, and I want other people to remember her (and us) on these days too.
So while we won't celebrate today with a cake or a cupcake on her head so we can call her 'cupcake-head' or sing "Happy Birthday" to her like we used to, I will take today to remember her. And I will try to conquer the sorrow and pain of missing her with the joy and warmth that comes in remembering her beautiful life...I think I'm going to have to watch some of our videos of her today, maybe watch the one where she sticks out her tongue a lot so she can make me laugh again...that would be nice.
I constantly talk with God throughout my day (side note - I remember how frustrated I used to be when I couldn't 'hear' God speaking to me and never really knew what people meant by that anyway...well now I know...and it's so cool. God has been speaking loud and clear to my heart since Hailey was born). This morning while out on a walk with my husband and dog, I was going through all of this in my head with God. And while I started to focus on the negatives in not being able to have her here as my 2 month old today and not being able to celebrate this milestone of her life... God told me I didn't need to celebrate her 2 month bday (because I can't). He told me to remember Hailey and celebrate the month and 5 days we had her. God reminded me that today I should remember her and the joys she brought us. Remember her and celebrate the short life she lived. So today is a day of remembrance, and if I really want something to celebrate, God challenged me to celebrate February 6, which will be 1 month since she's been gone. Kind of funny to celebrate the month 'anniversary' of her death...and definitely a challenge because that will be another difficult day, but I know why He wants me to do that... it marks her 1 month birthday in Heaven, with Him, where her life is eternal and perfect. I ended our morning conversation on our walk asking God if He would ever get tired of reminding me of these things. And He replied, Never.
Loving and remembering you today and always my 'munchy-kin' and asking God to wrap His arms a little tighter around me today.
So I guess I just need to readjust my approach to her birthdays - because I want to note them and "celebrate" them. I don't want to forget or ignore, and I want other people to remember her (and us) on these days too.
So while we won't celebrate today with a cake or a cupcake on her head so we can call her 'cupcake-head' or sing "Happy Birthday" to her like we used to, I will take today to remember her. And I will try to conquer the sorrow and pain of missing her with the joy and warmth that comes in remembering her beautiful life...I think I'm going to have to watch some of our videos of her today, maybe watch the one where she sticks out her tongue a lot so she can make me laugh again...that would be nice.
I constantly talk with God throughout my day (side note - I remember how frustrated I used to be when I couldn't 'hear' God speaking to me and never really knew what people meant by that anyway...well now I know...and it's so cool. God has been speaking loud and clear to my heart since Hailey was born). This morning while out on a walk with my husband and dog, I was going through all of this in my head with God. And while I started to focus on the negatives in not being able to have her here as my 2 month old today and not being able to celebrate this milestone of her life... God told me I didn't need to celebrate her 2 month bday (because I can't). He told me to remember Hailey and celebrate the month and 5 days we had her. God reminded me that today I should remember her and the joys she brought us. Remember her and celebrate the short life she lived. So today is a day of remembrance, and if I really want something to celebrate, God challenged me to celebrate February 6, which will be 1 month since she's been gone. Kind of funny to celebrate the month 'anniversary' of her death...and definitely a challenge because that will be another difficult day, but I know why He wants me to do that... it marks her 1 month birthday in Heaven, with Him, where her life is eternal and perfect. I ended our morning conversation on our walk asking God if He would ever get tired of reminding me of these things. And He replied, Never.
Loving and remembering you today and always my 'munchy-kin' and asking God to wrap His arms a little tighter around me today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)