Remembering 2010, Welcoming 2011

New Year's Eve is upon us. Amongst other things, that means everyone's Facebook statuses are declaring what they loved about this past year and all the 'amazing' things they're looking forward to this next year. I remember reading similar Facebook statuses last New Year's Eve as well... and I remember how much my heart ached as I read them.

Last year at this time, I was not in the New Year's 'spirit' at all because, quite frankly, I was dreading the new year. I wasn't looking forward to 2010. Every time I thought of what 2010 held for me, I wanted to cry and did cry. Every FB status that bragged about how blessed they were in 2009 and how blessed they were going to be in 2010, with babies, weddings, vacations, and so on, was like a little knife to my heart.

All I could think about was what I had to 'look forward to' for 2010 and that was the deaths of my daughter and father. I knew they were coming. My New Year's Eve was spent thinking of the deteriorating health of my dad as he was clearly losing his battle to cancer quickly and my baby who was given a diagnosis that she could die any day. Death was what loomed around the corner for me in 2010.

And my 2010 did begin with death... Hailey died January 6th and my dad died the day before my birthday on January 22nd. I spent the first month of 2010 planning and attending the memorial services of my daughter and dad. I spent the first half of the year severely mourning their deaths and trying to figure out how to go on. On the worst days of my grief, I couldn't look to the rest of the year, the coming years, even the coming days... I clung to God having no other hope to live...not seeing what there was to live for... not imagining life could ever bring me happiness again...that I could ever look forward to something again.

While your Facebook status may say 2010 was the best year of your life, 2010 was by far the worst year of my life. I've never felt so much pain, sadness, hopelessness, or despair... I lost two people I loved. Two people very close to me. My family was broken and forever changed.

However, I survived it all. And I sit here today, on the eve of 2011, and remember 2010. While 2010 was all of those negative things I just wrote about, and I will always remember it because of those things, I will also remember 2010 for another reason. I came through this all closer to God and with a stronger faith. I was tested and tried and brought to my lowest point...But I came through with a stronger faith because of my encounters with God.

This year God revealed himself to me over and over again, and I consider each one of those moments a miraculous blessing. God remained faithful and loving and good. He lived out his promises he'd written to me in the Bible on a daily basis, and I got to know that and experience that. Before this all happened, I considered myself a mature believer walking closely with my God and experiencing Him, but never had my faith been to this place of great depth. This year the depths and heights of my faith and God's love expanded beyond my imagination.  To capture it in a single sentence, this year I experienced a joy I have never known or imagined to be possible and a supernatural comfort and peace to my sorrow and mourning. In addition, I was given greater wisdom and understanding about life and my creator.

Before I go any further, I'd like to reminisce about last year on New Year's Eve.  We had Hailey with us at our home in Alabama and my mom was staying with us. Since we couldn't really go out and do anything, my mom cooked us some of my favorite foods, including Alaskan King Crab Legs. The best part of New Year's Eve in the south with Hailey was that the weather was so mild and nice that we were able to take her on her first official stroller ride. I wrote a tank top and sweats and was perfectly comfortable, but we bundled little Hailey up nonetheless to ensure she stayed snuggly warm. We set up her little traveling oxygen tank and went on a little short walk with her and Opie down our street and back. It was one of those memories with Hailey that I treasure having. It was one of those things we never knew if we'd be able to do with her, but as parents longed to do... Hailey got a little crabby at the end of the walk, but who could blame her, it was a big change for her weak little body. Even when she was crabby she was cute. We were able to take a lot of pictures during our walk and took a little video of it...and that was how I spent my New Year's Eve last year. This year, we're enjoying another warm and mild New Year's Eve in Alabama, and my puppy, hubby, and I are just keeping it low key, probably watching some movies, and doing a little 'toast' with our traditional sparkling grape juice at midnight.

In remembering my 2010, I remember the lives lost of my dad and my daughter. I remember and thank God for the provisions and blessings he's poured out on me in light of those losses. I am thankful for God's plans for my marriage and the growing he's allowed to take place. I am thankful for becoming a part of Project Sweet Peas and starting Hailey's Hope this year, and I pray God would allow me to continue to serve him in this way for years to come.

For welcoming 2011, I'm wise enough not to boast about any plans and to pray all future plans be according to God's will (James 4:13-17). I pray for God to bless our transition and move from Ft. Rucker, AL to Ft. Campbell, KY. I pray that God would watch over us and bless our new home and provide us with good friends who can become like family and a church that we can call home in TN.

New Year’s Prayer

"Heavenly Father, for this coming year

Just one request I bring.

I do not pray for happiness or any earthly thing.

I do not ask to understand the way you lead me;

But this I ask—teach me to do the thing that pleases You.

I want to know Your guiding voice,

To walk with you each day.

Heavenly Father,

Make me swift to hear and ready to obey;

And thus the year I now begin

A happy year will be,

If I am seeking just to do

The thing that pleases You."

(Anonymous)

Happy New Year :)

And, as I wrote for the status of Hailey's Hope's Facebook page, I pray that God would bless you in 2011, that any injury be healed, any sadness be turned to joy, any doubt turned to faith, and any despair turned to hope.

Merry Christmas (In Pictures), From Hailey

Luke 1:14 - You will have great joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth

Matthew 1:23 - Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’

Isaiah 9:6 - For a child is born to us, a son is given to us...And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Merry Christmas

XOXO

Christmas Vacation

Well blogging world, sorry for the lack of posts, but due to the busyness of the season, traveling, buying a home, temporarily moving into that home,  a nasty case of the flu or food poisoning, and traveling to visit family in Illinois, I haven't had much time to write - and in a nutshell that's pretty much what I've been up to: being busy, traveling, being sick, and now visiting family. But this post is less about those things and more about what this Christmas has been like without Hailey so far.

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Last year at this time we had Hailey with us but were so busy taking care of her and not getting out of the house much, that we didn't buy Hailey a Christmas stocking, and I'm not sure honestly if I would have known whether to get one for her or not considering.... But this year I made a decision that every Christmas Hailey will have a stocking that hangs with the rest of our family's. About a month or so ago I found a pretty pink baby stocking at a store and bought it for her. I wanted to have it hanging up this Christmas, but, unfortunately, due to some lack of communication and the craziness of all our travels, we left her stocking back in Alabama...

While I knew I wanted to have a stocking hanging for Hailey every Christmas, I was still a little unsure about it... How sad it would look sitting there empty... A sad reminder she's not here. But after talking with some other moms who've lost their babies and some wonderful suggestions for this dilemma, we came up with some great ideas of little gifts we could fill her stocking with each year. Some of my favorite ideas are to place bulbs or flower seeds in her stocking each Christmas to plant in a garden in her memory each year in the spring and another idea was to buy a collectible item each year in memory of her. For us, butterflies have become quite significant and are now wonderful reminders of our little girl, so some years we might buy some sort of butterfly gift to put in her stocking.

After realizing we'd left Hailey's stocking back in Alabama, we still wanted to start the tradition of buying a gift in memory of her each Christmas to feel like she's still a part of Christmas with us. So while waiting for our table at Cracker Barrel the other night, I stumbled upon the most beautiful wire and stone sculpture of a butterfly. It's designed to hang on a vase or something similar. The one we picked out has a rainbow of colors, and I think it's just perfect... So no stocking hanging for Hailey this year, but we do have a butterfly on the mantle next to ours.

So far the Christmas season without Hailey has been better than I'd expected as I'd mentioned before. I think it's because I know the hope and joy in the meaning behind the season and can truly find joy and celebration and reason to rejoice this season - because it's all about the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who'd I'd be lost and hopeless without and how I know Hailey is with in Heaven. So in that respect, my faith allows me to find the positive in this season, but of course, it's still hard without her.

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Today Josh and I were able to go visit Hailey's grave together. It's the first time he's been there since last January, and he hadn't yet seen her gravestone in person. It's hard to describe what it's like to go to your child's grave. Part excitement at seeing her and being near to her. Part sorrow... for the obvious reasons. I have to say, it felt somewhat peaceful and maybe even a bit magical (for lack of a better word) there when we went this evening. It was around sunset, a little glow of light to light our way, a serene blanket of white snow covering the ground. As I approached her grave, I smiled at seeing the fresh footprints in the snow of someone who had recently been there to visit her. Her Grandma Sue had bought her Christmas flowers and they laid in front of her gravestone. Then my eyes focused on a little yellow toy plow sitting next to them. I knew immediately it was from my brother, her Uncle Matt (who drives a snowplow for the village). I hadn't expected to see that token and gift there from him. It almost made me cry, but I didn't. Honestly, I didn't let myself, although I easily could have.  We didn't stay long; we had somewhere to be. And if it wasn't so frigidly cold, I could stay at her grave forever....just feeling close to her in the only way I can physically feel close to her. You might think it strange, maybe even a bit morbid, but a part of me longed to just lie down on the ground and hug it as though I was hugging her....

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As the time draws closer to being gathered together with families and parties and actual Christmas day, etc., things are getting harder. Mostly because I sit back and watch everyone with their families, their children, their babies, their joys...and miss mine. They seem complete, and I feel incomplete. I smile in celebrating for many of the same reasons they are, yet behind my smile is the hole in my heart... the constant knowing and living without my baby who I can't help but have that feeling like she should be here... even though I know that's not what God intended.

And so some of you may wonder (and I'm sorry that some of you know), what's it like to spend your first Christmas without your baby...

I sit in front of the fireplace and look at the stockings representing our family members....and can't help but focus on the emptiness, the spot that's missing hers.

I buy toys and wrap presents for our nephew... and can't help but miss not being able to do the same for my daughter.

I go to church services and Christmas parties and celebrate the birth of Jesus and being with family... and can't help feeling the part of me that's missing that becomes all to apparent as I watch families smiling and laughing together longing to be them, not understanding why I can't be a part of that 'world.'

Parents buy gifts, wrap presents, play Santa, give kisses and cuddles, and millions of other little things with their children this Christmas...and I sit back and watch the world go on around me oblivious to the fact that I'll be going to the store to buy a present for my daughter, but it will be one she'll never get. It'll be one she'll have resting on her grave....there as an attempt at expressing our love for her and our only way to say "Merry Christmas" to her.

And so this Christmas, I'm finding peace and joy and hope because of Jesus and the reason we're celebrating, but I also silently live inside of myself grieving, missing my daughter.

1st Time Home Owners; Home is where the heart is

Dec  16: (Sorry in advance for any typos and grammatical/spelling errors or parts that sound jumbled – I wrote this quickly and have limited access to the Internet – Hope to blog again soon though because I have more to share since I wrote this!)

Dec 15: I’m writing this post on my first night in our new home in Tennessee (it’s getting published tomorrow – today when you’re reading this – because we don’t have a connection to the Internet yet). I’m all cozy on an air mattress in what will be our master bedroom with my puppy sleeping beside me. But before I get into everything, I want to start at the beginning.

This past Sunday, our dog and I headed from our home in Alabama to Ft. Campbell, KY so that I could be at the final walk through of our house at 9am on Monday. Unfortunately, my trip coincided with the major snowstorm that hit much of the country. Thankfully, I drove for 5 hours making great time while taking my time before I hit any bad weather. As I entered Tennessee, I also entered the snowstorm. The usual 7 hr drive (including stops) turned to almost 9 hrs. The weather was terrible, the roads were even worse. I lost track of all the cars I drove by in ditches and all the accidents I saw. As my journey neared its destination, the interstate seemed to turn to a block of ice, and I, and what seemed like rush hour traffic surrounding me, slowed to a 10mph crawl. While I felt like I was holding back a heart attack during my entire drive and drove with every muscle in my body tense, I was perfectly content to drive 10 mph. Slowly but surely and safely I reached my destination, our friend’s house where I’ve stayed the past few days.

Monday morning my friend, who became my stand in husband for me at times, accompanied me to our new house for the final walk through. Everything went fairly well. Our long list of items to be fixed and finished was about 80-90% complete, which was good, but still not good enough for me to be feeling completely excited yet since that meant that there were of course items that still needed to be taken care of before our scheduled closing on Wednesday. The builders ensured me that the items remaining would be taken care of that day and that I needn’t worry.

The rest of Monday and Tuesday was spent waiting, sometimes impatiently, for closing on Wednesday to roll around. Thankfully Opie and I had friends to keep us company and hang out with so we managed to keep ourselves somewhat busy.

Finally Wednesday (today as I’m writing this) rolled around. We had one more walk through at 1pm today to see that the remaining items were indeed finished and much to my relief, the house was finally ready for us take ownership of! Immediately following, I made my way over to our closing at 2pm.

If you haven’t been following, I’ve been doing this all on my own this week. So with my power of attorney, I got the privilege of signing both of our names to what seemed like well over 100 forms. The whole process was pretty simple. Thankfully, I’ve seen most of the forms and figures beforehand and went in knowledgeable about what I was doing and what to expect, otherwise, I don’t think I would have had a clue what the guy was having me sign and do.

After I signed the last document and copies were being made, the builders handed over what seemed like 20 different keys and our garage door openers to me – that was the first moment since we started this process of buying a home that I finally felt a little flutter in my heart and felt excited.

All the hurdles and obstacles and what seemed like millions of things to do were finally over. Everything was done. The house was perfect. It was ready. It’s ours!

This evening Tennessee and Kentucky were supposed to get a possible ice storm so immediately after leaving closing, I found my way to the electric and water companies to have the house’s utilities transferred to our names. Then I made a quick stop at Walmart on the way back to our new house to pick up a few things I needed to get me through the night. Finally, I made my way to our new home with my keys in hand, packed car, and puppy in the front seat.

I can’t tell you how good it felt to open that garage door, unlock our door, and walk into our home that we own!

Before unpacking the car with everything I needed for the next two weeks of temporarily living here on and off, I walked Opie to the door and gave him a little pep talk about how this is going to be his new home, and then I let him loose in the house. He sprinted and bounded every which way, in and out of rooms, as happy as can be. He even ran into every room and hopped his front paws up onto every window ledge to look at all his views. And of course, eventually he got to check out his two decks and his backyard. He truly seemed super excited for his new house – well minus the time he slipped and got stuck in the deck stairs and yelped bloody murder (don’t worry, I saved him and he’s okay).

But I have to say, as truly excited as I am to be in our new house and to be a first time home owner… it’s just not the same without my husband here. It’s been quite lonely and somewhat scary doing all this on my own this week. I really wish my husband could have been here so that we could have walked into our new home together, spent the first night in our new home together, and so on…

As strange as this may sound, even though I’m finally in our new home, I feel a little homesick. As I’ve thought about my homesick feelings this week, I think military life is officially settling in on me… because what home am I sick for? The one in Alabama where we’ve been renting and have lived for a year and half and have been ready to move from? What about our homes back in Illinois? What home am I sick for? What home is mine? And really, I’m not homesick for any of my homes. I’m homesick for my husband. He’s where my home is. We make each other’s home, and without him, things just aren’t the same. Thankfully, he’ll be driving up from Alabama and should be here to join me in our new home by Saturday morning… so I just need to survive a few more days on my own. And even though I have Opie, it’s still pretty lonely without my husband.

And I’m not going to lie…being in this new, unfamiliar, empty house, in a new town, a new state, at night, with curtain-less windows everywhere…I’m a little scared to be on my own. And as odd or as pathetic as it may be, not having an Internet connection and no television makes me feel even more isolated and alone. Even though our house is in a neighborhood, it feels like I may as well be in the middle of nowhere… which makes it a little bit scarier. But at least I have my phone, my laptop, and DVDs to give me that sense of technological connection to something.

Overall, this week with traveling, buying a house, temporarily moving, etc. has been at times boring, stressful, busy, overwhelming, and I've felt a whirlwind of emotions.

I am thankful to God for our new beautiful home that we'll be able to spend the next few years of our lives in. It's perfect and I love it. I just can't wait to official move in now!

But no matter what physical dwelling I come to call my home in the coming years as the military moves around and around, my real home will always be where my heart is - and that's with Christ and with my husband.

*   *  *  *

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Ephesians 3:17
One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

If not for Hailey, I wouldn't go back

This week I've found myself looking at pictures from a year ago. Pictures of Hailey and us in the NICU and at The Children's Hospital. Each day I find a picture taken exactly one year ago from whatever day it is that I'm looking. Today I'm looking at pictures from December 8, 2009. They are pictures of us celebrating Hailey's 1 week birthday.

I've anticipated this Christmas season to be a difficult one because of not having Hailey (and my dad) with us. I especially thought this time of year might be extra hard because Hailey's birthday and the day she passed away surround Christmas.

However, as I'm in the midst of the Christmas season now, my grief and my feelings don't seem all that different than they normally are... My sorrows haven't increased or strengthened as I thought they might. In fact, I find myself enjoying and taking much pleasure in the season.

With the almost record low temperatures here in Alabama, the cold weather has led us to enjoy several nights snuggled up in warm blankets with a fire burning in the fireplace and sipping on cups of hot cocoa and tea. I've enjoyed watching the twinkling Christmas lights on the neighbors' houses, the snow falling today (!), Christmas shopping, the few festive decorations we have up, listening to Christmas songs whenever I can, watching Christmas movies on TV, and baking Christmas cookies. I'm looking forward to spending this Christmas with both of our families and some friends back in Illinois. I'm looking forward to continued Christmas traditions with them, family parties, gift-giving, Christmas eve service at church, playing in 'real' snow, and everything else that comes along with us spending Christmas with our families like we used to.

Right now I feel like I am truly enjoying myself this Christmas season. Of course I miss Hailey and wish she were with us, and I'm sure as it gets closer to Christmas day, it may become harder.

But the strange thing is, and I never thought I'd say it, but I almost want to say I prefer this Christmas season to last. The only thing good about last Christmas was that Hailey was with us. As I look back at all the pictures from last year and think about what I was doing a year ago, the only thing I miss is Hailey. Other than that, I don't miss anything, and I wouldn't want to go back.

A year ago, I was celebrating my daughter living to be a week old and trying to soak up every moment with her... that was the good side of things... But there was a bad side too. Last year at this time I also felt over whelming grief already. The stress of having my baby in the hospital for a week was almost unbearable. Life was at its hardest for me. I smiled in attempts to live in the moment and make the best of the situation...but the tears still flowed constantly in private.

While we were blessed enough to bring Hailey home with us and spend Christmas with her, it wasn't the Christmas I wanted. We were still wondering at which moment she might pass. Things were stressful taking care of her at times, with inconsolable cries, feedings tubes, being confined to one room of the house because of her oxygen, still grieving....all the while I was trying to be cheerful with the limited family we had visiting.... There was constant sorrow, worries, stress, anxiety, dread, and so on. Of course I focused on all the reasons we had to celebrate, but at the same time there were so many reasons not to feel like celebrating because my baby was going to die and it was just a matter of time. For those reasons, this Christmas season is much better. I don't miss those feelings. I don't miss the 'bad' side.

That may make me sound selfish, but I hope not. Perhaps you can only understand if you've been in my shoes. I can't emphasize how much I miss Hailey and loved that a year ago I was able to hold my baby girl in my arms, kiss her, smell her, take care of, love her... But at the same time, I don't want to go back to that situation. I would go back to her in a heart beat, but not the situation we were in a year ago - if that makes sense.

I guess if you were to ask me to choose which Christmas season is better, this or last... I might say I prefer this Christmas because I'm not constantly living in stress or crying everyday. I am at peace knowing Hailey is living in peace in heaven and huge burdens have been lifted from my life allowing me to be more easily at peace here, a peace I didn't quite have last year... But last Christmas season will always be cherished because its the only time of my life that I was able to share with Hailey, to actually be with my daughter. I wouldn't want to go back to it all...but I would again for Hailey.

Anyway, this year, this month, is better than I'd imagined, and I'm very thankful for that. I'm thankful I can find joy in the little things that I love about Christmas time. I'm thankful we'll be able to be with our families in Illinois for Christmas. I'm most thankful for the peace God's giving me. Of course it hurts not having Hailey here, but God is helping me deal with it.

I just pray the rest of this season continues this way. Sometimes I feel like when I write about how 'well' I'm doing with my grief (thanks to God), family and friends show their support less and assume everything's fine... But please, family and friends, don't stop showing your support, sympathy, love, for us, for Hailey... God uses you to help me, help us, and we will never stop needing support and love and knowing you care about Hailey too.

And if you haven't read the poem on Facebook, I'm going to put it here too. Do you want to know what I was experiencing a year ago at this time? Read this poem written by another Project Sweet Peas leader. (I apologize for the spaced out formatting, I couldn't fix it.)

A Parent’s Tunnel

By: Kate Crawford

Shut your eyes

Now, imagine the happiest moment of your life

You are about to meet your baby

A baby you have waited for

For 9 long months

A baby you planned your future around

Everything is perfect

And here he comes

You cry

You are elated

But, wait . . . the baby . . .

The baby isn’t crying

The nurses are running

You ask quietly,

“What’s wrong?”

No one answers you

You can’t see your baby

There are too many people

The whisk your baby out of the room

You scream

“What is wrong with my baby?”

Finally an answer

One you are unprepared for

“We have to take your baby to the NICU.”

You stop listening

You can’t breathe

You can’t think

You cry, but it’s no longer because you are happy

You haven’t seen the sun

The dark room is all you know

The days run together

You are tired

But you can’t sleep, because you can’t leave your baby’s side

You are alone

Isolated

You haven’t even eaten

You forget

You can’t leave

You haven’t showered

But, you don’t care

He’s hooked to wires, tubes, IV’s and catheters

Everything beeps in alarms

Every beep makes your heart stop

Your baby is sick

Your perfect is gone

Your future, shattered

You sit

You stare

You watch your baby fight to stay alive

The nurses come

The nurses go

The names change

You can’t keep it straight

The diagnosis

You can’t even pronounce

Medicines you’ve never heard of

But the knowledge makes you feel bonded to your baby

You know nothing of the outside world

Your baby is all you know

Your strength

You don’t care about anything

But your baby

This is the life of a parent in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. They have tunnel vision, and at the end is a healthy baby with a happily ever after. Sometimes, they reach the end of that tunnel with their baby, sometimes they never see their happy ever after.

11 Months with the angels

I can't believe it... I nearly missed an 'anniversary' of Hailey's...

Eleven months ago today Hailey left this earth to join Jesus and his angels in heaven...

Thankfully, on this anniversary, in the month in the midst of her birthday and Christmas, my grief is 'okay.' While my journey of mourning has given me highs and lows and unexpected twists and turns, today I feel like perhaps it's leveling off... It's not so much of a crazy roller coaster ride anymore, but more like a the consistent, slow chug of a train... I'm just chugging along, and the days aren't particularly 'easy' or 'hard.' I've grown used to my grief and her void. And for the moment, I feel less depression, hopelessness, anger, bitterness, and jealousy. I'm hoping this moment lasts and lasts because those emotions have been replaced with peace, and it feels 'good.'

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

But this all doesn't mean that my heart is become whole once again, that I'm not broken, that my heart doesn't ache for Hailey... all those things are still true. I miss her daily, and, of course, there are always moments of sadness. The only way I can really try to explain it is by saying I feel like I'm 'moving on' or I've 'put the past behind me'... but those are absolutely not true and I really hate to say those things... unfortunately, I have no better way to explain in words how I feel lately...

In one month, I will be saying that it's been one year since Hailey passed away, a day that will be just as significant to me as her 1st birthday. But I can't imagine how I'm going to feel or what I'm going to do on that day yet... Because I've learned to take it one day at a time. Today I will deal with today.

However, I do want to talk about something that will most likely come up on the anniversary of her death. It's something I've been thinking a lot about thanks in part to Christmas songs and the most recent series of messages at church.

Angels.

I want to make it clear to you all what I believe about angels because I've learned that with death, and especially the death of a baby or child, angels often come up. What I'm going to say is not meant to offend or hurt others for what they have done or said, it's merely for me ... and for you if you might say something to me about them... because I want you to know what I believe.

First of all, if I ever use the term 'angel' to describe Hailey, it is only as a term of endearment. When I use it, if I do, it does not mean I believe Hailey is now an angel. I do not believe that when babies or people die that they become angels. The Bible teaches that humans do not become angels when they die.

I've known people who have lost babies to say things like their babies grew wings the day they died (suggesting their baby became an angel). I've also known people to refer to the anniversaries of babies' deaths as 'angel - versaries' or their 'angel day.' And there are other common quotes like, "Most of us only dream of angels - We held one in our arms." I personally do not like any of these being said about Hailey because I don't believe them to be true based on what the Bible teaches. Again, I must express that it is not my intention to offend or cause pain to anyone, especially anyone grieving. I know all of these things are said out of love. But as a Bible believing Christian, I do not believe such things to be true. If you are a Bible believing Christian, you should not believe them to be true either.

Do I believe in angels? Absolutely. Our babies just don't turn into them when they die. Instead, our babies are with the angels in heaven, and we do have angels here on earth - the Bible teaches both of those to be true.

So is Hailey an angel now? No. Is she with the angels in heaven? Yes! Do I love to imagining her with Jesus and all the angels? Yes!

One of the most interesting and comforting things I've learned in our church's study about angels has to do with one of the angels' jobs.

You see, one of my many struggles with losing Hailey was how she died. You see, I had prayed and asked Jesus that she would pass away peacefully in her sleep one day, and she did... but I have always hated that she was alone and that I was in another room when it happened. We started off having someone hold Hailey every minute of every day in case she died because we wanted her to go while being held close by someone who loved her. Then it turned to having someone watching her every minute of every day, even when she was sleeping. Eventually reality had to set in, relatives had to leave, and we had to try to have some sort of normalcy with taking care of her, just my husband and I. This meant we took shifts in the middle of the night... one of us would sleep while the other would sleep if they could but would tend to Hailey as needed and check on her every so often.

The morning she passed away, I had been sleeping in our guest room to try to get some quality sleep, and Josh had been squeezing in sleep as well so she passed while we were both sleeping... We knew this would always be a possibility, but we didn't like that it happened that way nonetheless because we didn't want her to be alone when she died.

I always found comfort in the fact that I knew God was always there with her, but recently what I learned about angels gave me an even greater source of comfort. I learned that God has angels care for believers (and babies) at death as indicated by this verse.

"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side." Luke 16:22

So even though when Hailey died neither of us was technically 'with her' or holding her, God was there and the angels were there carrying her into heaven. I think that is awesome for lack of a better word...

And just for the record, if you're interested in knowing a bit more about what the Bible says about angels, I'll share with you what I've learned:

• "Angel" is used approximately 275 times in the Bible; it means 'messenger.'


• Angels are mentioned in 34 of the 66 Bible books.


• Jesus taught the existence of angels. (Matthew 26:53)


• Angels are created, spirit beings. (Colossians 1:16, Hebrews 1:14)


• They were created holy, but with some free will. (Jude 6, Rev. 12:3-4, Ezekiel 28)


• Angels should not be worshiped. (Col. 2:18)


• Only 2 angels are named; Michael and Gabriel. (Jude 9, Luke 1:19)


• They do not marry, procreate, or die. (Luke 20:36)


• They can take on human form and interact with us on earth. (Hebrews 13:2)


• They are innumerable. (Hebrews 12:22)


• People don't become angels, but they can become like them when they die because in heaven humans will not marry, procreate, or die. (Hebrews 2:6-7)

A good overview online article about angels (I haven't read it in its entirety, but have read most of it) can be found here if you're interested in learning more.

So with that all said, eleven months ago today, my baby did not grow wings or become an angel. Eleven months ago today, because of God's love and care, the angels escorted her into heaven, and ever since she has been with them in the presence of God praising him and enjoying an eternity with him.

Love and miss you so much Munchkin. I can't wait to sing and dance with you and the angels worshiping our heavenly Father together...

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”

Isaiah 6:3

I forgot one of the best parts!

I can't believe I forgot to share about one of the special parts about Hailey's birthday!

On the drive home from the hospital that night, we were driving on a dark country road, no city lights or anything interfering with the blackness and so the stars were shining brightly.

Then, suddenly, there was a shooting star falling down across the night sky right in front of us. It was absolutely beautiful.

One of the things Hailey's life has been compared to has been that of a shooting star or even Halley's comet... So for me, the shooting star was like a symbolic or perhaps even literal message from God and Hailey ... So many things in life come to us beautifully, burning brightly, but briefly, only lasting a moment.

Hailey's 1st Birthday

Okay, I'm finally ready (and have time) to write about Hailey's birthday...

I'm happy to say that after having a terribly sad day on Monday, Tuesday was a little bit brighter, but in terms of my emotions, it was a pretty anxious day for me. I unexpectedly felt anxiety over wondering how I was going to feel on Hailey's birthday so much so that I think I had some stress related heart burn or indigestion or something that kept me up most of Tuesday night. But it was a little comforting going into Hailey's birthday to have already had so many kind words, messages, and prayers from family and friends on Monday and Tuesday. Plus our families had some gorgeous flowers delivered to us on Tuesday, and for me, flowers are always a source of comfort and brighten a dark day.

The morning of Wednesday, December 1st, Hailey's birthday, didn't start out how I expected it might. After not having enough sleep, I was woken up and kept awake from 6am to 8am with a series over 10 different phone calls for subbing. Because of the day, I ignored the first half of the calls, but after they kept coming, I decided to finally start answering my phone and declining opportunities to sub.  (And I just have to say I found it extremely strange that I had all those subbing calls on Hailey's birthday when I haven't had that many total in 3 months!).

But back to Hailey's birthday...

Thanks to prayers, God being at work, and our delivery for Hailey's Hope, Hailey's birthday was as good as it could have been for me. It certainly was a bittersweet day. Sad of course for all the obvious reasons that I'm not going to get into this post. But thankfully I experienced much more joy that overcame any sadness.

Because Josh had to fly and work on her birthday, he was unfortunately unable to make the delivery with me, but thankfully, one of my friends was able to make the journey with me up to The Children's Hospital in Birmingham, which was about a 3.5 hr drive each way.  So that morning I loaded up my car with the 50 basic NICU bags and 10 memory boxes we were donating, and my friend and I were on the road around 11:30am.

This is the 2nd delivery Hailey's Hope has made to The Children's Hospital so I thought I knew what to expect. The first time we delivered 36 bags in June, and when we did so, we made the long drive up, unloaded all the bags in front of the main desk in the lobby area, signed a form, and then made the long drive back; it literally took 5 minutes. Therefore, this time, I was expecting the same experience.

We pulled in front of the main entrance of The Children's Hospital a little after 3pm, and I went in first to fill out the forms and have my hospital contact paged to let her know the donations had arrived. I wasn't sure if anyone was going to come meet us or not, so we began unloading the bags from the car. When we came in with a wagon full of bags, a woman from the hospital (not my contact) came to greet me and help with the donations. While she was deciding what it would be best to do with all the bags and what not, the woman at the front desk who was wearing reindeer antlers and was so sweet offered to do a little photo op of my friend and I with some of the bags.

(Already the delivery was more rewarding for me than the last!)

The other woman was able to grab another wagon to help us bring more bags inside, and she asked us if we would help her take the wagon loads up to the NICUs - Of course we would! That's exactly what I had wanted to do, but I understood that sometimes hospital policies might not allow it.

So we took the first half of the donation to the 6th floor level 3 NICU...the same NICU where Hailey arrived one year ago from the date of the delivery. I stepped out of the elevator and saw the familiar hall with it's cheerful painted wall and the NICU sign... It pretty much took my breath away. It was the first moment where I had to hold back tears. I hadn't been on that floor, in that hall, in almost a year, and all of our experiences there with Hailey came flooding back to me. I felt like I was there for the first time again getting ready to see her for the first time since she was born. It didn't make me want to cry tears of sadness....instead, I was just feeling very moved and soaking up the moment. I was so very thankful to be able to be going back to her NICU and seeing my bags off in this way.

The woman helping us had us all buzzed into the NICU so she could discuss the donation with some of the other NICU workers. We stepped in, and again, I felt overwhelmed...but in a good way. Hailey's bed had been just to the left... It may seem odd, but being there made me feel close to her again.

[caption id="attachment_80" align="aligncenter" width="362" caption="My Courageous Little Girl"][/caption]

Eventually we went back out of the NICU to the conference room across the way where there was plenty of space to temporarily store our bags and for the NICU workers to sort through them.

The nurses were all so sweet and were just pouring over the bags. We talked all about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. They remembered receiving our first set of donations in June and told me so many wonderful things about how much the parents have appreciated our bags, they've all gone to good use, many people had been requesting them after they ran out, and so on. After I told them I was Hailey's mom and how it was her 1st birthday, they began asking questions about her. After telling them her full name, when she was in their NICU, and that she had Trisomy 18, they all seemed to remember her (although I didn't remember any of them).

I can't begin to tell you how much comfort and joy their sweet comments about how appreciated and needed Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas is at The Children's Hospital... I mean it just made me feel sooo good. I know why I do what I do with Hailey's Hope and I know the need, but it's so good to have everything reaffirmed by others. They were even (somewhat) joking around telling me they need another 50 bags next month. (They have a total of 40 beds and most of the time they are all full, so the need for the bags is there.)

After we dropped off the first half of the bags and I chatted a bit with the nurses, we went back downstairs to unload the rest of the car and bring the rest of our delivery upstairs. When we were finished unloading everything in the conference room, I talked some more with the nurses. They couldn't stop admiring all of the goodies and thought and care that went into everything, and they asked for a picture with me. They also kept asking about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas and wanted more information, all I had on me were business cards so I passed them all out. One of the nurses even mentioned she was going to share about our project with an organization she's a part of in hopes to help us with donations.

All in all, this time the delivery took about an hour to drop off and was exactly what I hoped and wanted it to be. On our way out I stopped in the hall to take a picture with the NICU sign where Hailey stayed as a little tribute to her.

Hailey's 1st birthday was truly a bittersweet day, but it was truly best way I could have celebrated my daughter's sweet little life (although next year my husband needs to be with me!).

My friend and I left the hospital around 4:15pm and stopped to enjoy a nice dinner together, and I finally arrived back home around 8:30pm. It was a long day. I came home exhausted. But I was literally glowing as I told my husband about how wonderfully the delivery went.

Thanks to everyone's prayers and God's answers, Hailey's birthday was a gift to me. I feared feeling alone, depressed, sad, full of grief, etc. But instead, I felt comfort, peace, joy, and love. Truly amazing gifts. In looking back on the day, I just feel overwhelming grateful for everything... for God, for Hailey, for Hailey's Hope, for our supporters... everything...

Thank you Jesus for always taking care of me, and thank you to everyone who has kept us in your prayers... Prayer is powerful, and it works..

As I posted on my Facebook on Hailey's birthday...

"Dear Hailey, While every part of me wishes you were here with us and we were celebrating you turning 1 today, I hold on to the hope I have that one day I'll have an eternity to spend with you...until then I pray that God will continue to daily give me his strength and peace to endure this life without you. Love you forever, Your momma (and dad)."

You are my God, and I will praise you;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Psalm 118: 28-29