Think about that. Think of your life. Think of your greatest fear. Then remove that fear. Imagine it. How freeing is it?! Feel it!
So I am proclaiming that at this point in my life. I have nothing to fear. Why you ask? Because the thing I fear happening the most in my life happened.
If you were confronted with answering the question, what are you afraid of most in your life? What would you answer? For me it always has been and always will be the deaths of the people I love and living without them. Someone I love. Someone close to my heart. (Yes we all deal with the deaths of loved ones, grandparents and other relatives, but I mean a close someone. Like a child, spouse, parent, best friend...someone you talk to every day, someone who impacts your life every day, someone you share your life with...)
So what I feared the most has happened. And it happened in a way I would never imagine. I lost my first baby. As if that was not enough, 2 weeks later I lost my father. Within two weeks I lost two people who made up a large portion of my heart and my life. I had known my dad for my entire life. I knew my daughter for 39 weeks and 36 days. I knew them for different amounts of time, and I had different relationships with them. My dad and I were very close and understood each other like no one else could. And I had my natural, maternal bond with my daughter. The blow my heart took after losing both my father and daughter before I turned 25 years old was unexpected and devastating. The thing I feared the most happened. And it happened twice. And it happened within a two week time period. My fear happened worst than I had imagined.
But the good news is, I am surviving. Life is continuing on as it does. And yes it's difficult and hurts beyond belief. But I'm surviving. I've experienced the pain. And I'm experiencing the healing. I'm experiencing God's faithfulness. And my life is changing - for the better, I'm determined.
Not too long ago I wrote about how fear was consuming my life. Fear of having another child. Fear of another loss. And if I really want to get into my greatest fears, fear of becoming a young widow if my husband is killed when he's deployed. But ultimately, I realized, I have nothing to fear... Here's why:
First, this is what I read that made me realize this:
“…Nancy Guthrie writes about how deep losses led her husband to experience God in a new way. She says, ‘Now that he has experienced his greatest fear, and experienced God’s supreme faithfulness to us through his difficulty, he no longer fears tragedy in our lives. We know God more fully because we’ve experienced Him more fully through our sorrow.’” from Holley Gerth’s devotional Rain On Me
I feel as this woman's husband felt.
Sure my greatest fear can still happen and is bound to happen again because we are after all mortal. But I am not afraid. If...when...it happens, I will feel pain. I know what the pain is like to some extent. And I will feel healing and experience God's faithfulness. I've been there done that. And things aren't so scary once you've been there.
Secondly I've found my faith again. I believe that with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26, Luke 18:27). I believe God is faithful (1 John 1:9, 1 Cor. 10:13, Deut. 7:9,). I know that no matter what happens - even my worst fears - God is in control and will never leave me.
I am at a place where some days I feel like I have lost almost everything...even though I've only lost my daughter and my father...sometimes it still feels as if my whole life has been ripped out of my hands and I have nothing. I know what it's like when God takes away. I know what it's like when He gives. I have a knowing and an understanding I didn't have before. It's like the song "Take The World But Give Me Jesus." I know to some extent what it's like to be Job - to feel like you've had the world taken from you. But it will be okay. Give me Jesus who is faithful and will never leave me, and I will be okay. I will survive, and someday I will have an eternity in God's home free of the fears and pains and troubles of this world.
Does this mean I will never be afraid again? Of course not. But this realization about my fears and my experiences give me one up on Satan and living a life controlled by fear. It's freeing. It makes me want to live my life. Really live.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity [fear], but a spirit of power, of love..." 2 Timothy 1:7
You know, that's what I try to think of when anxiety is consuming me (and interfering with my daily life). What is it that I fear happening? And how will I deal with it? It may not be the best strategy, but just knowing that I have internal and external resources to deal with life's events has almost eliminated any amount of anxiety that I have...
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