Cleansing ~ Part 1

First, I don't know what it is about this month, but it has been very draining emotionally for me. I wonder where the strong woman rejoicing during her loss and trials went to... I want her back. Instead, the majority of this month I have felt tired, beaten down, defeated by life...and somehow my hope, amongst other things, seems to have disappeared. My negative thoughts overwhelm me, and my feelings linger towards hopelessness, anger, and bitterness. And a part of me has become angry that God has allowed so much pain and suffering in my life and seems to bless so many of my friends and family with the very things that were taken away from me and/or that I long for.

I want to find the hope I had but seem to have lost, and I want to hold on to it and not let go. I want God to completely heal my broken heart. Most of all, I need a spiritual cleansing. All my negative thoughts and emotions feel like toxins inside of me. I want Him to cleanse me of my impurities and refresh my inner most being. I want God to refresh me and restore my soul. I want a new me, a me who is better for having experienced what I have, a me whose eyes reveal a light and a joy, a me who embraces life, loves fully, and runs the good race wholeheartedly. This is my prayer today:

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

-Psalm 51:10

So here I am desperately fighting and praying to be that person and to come out 'better' and not 'bitter' over this season of my life (as my devotional put it). This month so far has made me realize that I need to spend more time in prayer and in God's word. For weeks now I've been searching for a verse  that would speak to exactly what I've been experiencing and feeling, and today in my devotional God spoke what I needed to hear:

But as for me, I will always hope;

I will praise You more and more...

Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter,

You will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

You will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor

and comfort me once again.

-Psalm 71:14,20-21

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I will post 'cleansing - part 2' tomorrow - and it will be about memories of Hailey relating to the topic ...