5 months

Five months ago today I gave birth to my daughter.  I can hardly believe that if she was still with us she would have turned 5 months old. Yesterday while driving in the car my mind wandered ahead and tried to imagine the day I would be thinking Hailey would have celebrated her sweet sixteen today. I wonder if for the rest of my life I will look at children that would be close to the age she would have been and try to imagine her...

This is one of the most frustrating aspects of losing a child, a baby. We don't know the child we lost. We don't know what color eyes Hailey would have had once her baby blues faded into their natural color. We don't know what sports she'd like to play, what her favorite color would be, what her interests would be, if she would have a spunky personality or if she'd be a quiet soul, what she would have been talented at, what her voice or laugh would sound like... we spend our whole life not knowing our daughter in a sense.

But thankfully we have the hope that one day we will meet her and have an eternity to learn all about her...but we just have to wait... and patience in this way is the hardest...

So today I miss her. I miss not being able to give her a kiss and tell her happy birthday. I miss holding her. I miss looking into her eyes and being able to talk to her. And my mind wonders what she would be like today... what things would she have accomplished as a baby that we would have celebrated...

In one of my grief devotionals it mentions making a list of what you consider "loss" and what "gains" came because of that loss... I have to admit, I hated that devotional. I would give up everything I've 'gained' to have her back. Part of me doesn't like rejoicing in the positive things that have happened because Hailey passed away... it's wrong to me.  But at the same time, there is something healing in doing that.

As others have described similar experiences, starting Hailey's Hope was liking birthing a new life. This project will benefit and bless many babies and people who really need it. And this is something good that has come of us losing Hailey.

And while I can't celebrate my daughter turning 5 months old or brag about all of her accomplishments, today I can celebrate and brag about something else... Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Pea.

God has been pouring out his blessings on us and Hailey's Hope with all of the wonderful donations we've received so far - so that is to be celebrated.

Moreover, today, on Hailey's 5 month birthday, Project Sweet Pea claimed 1st place in the Pepsi Refresh Everything Project and is going to receive a $25,000 grant! How awesome is that!

Also, I am pleased to announce that there is now a PayPal donate button on my blog's Hailey's Hope page! Go check it out!



**To my munchkin in Heaven, Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you...sending you hugs and kisses today and always.**