For me personally I needed to go through Hailey's room for some closure. Her room has been left a mess all these months since she's passed. All of her belongings that were scattered about the house while she was with us had been hastily, but lovingly all placed into piles in her room. All of the cards and gifts and other things that were leftover from her memorial service added to the disarray in her room.
Not only did it need to be cleaned and organized, but for me, I needed to go through her things and her room because it was no longer her room. Yes in a sense that room will always be Hailey's room while we live in this house, but in another sense, it's not her room. She's never going to be in it, use it, or use the items in it. I couldn't stand to see it perfectly organized and cleaned because then it would look like we had it when we were waiting for her to be born, like I was waiting for her to come home again...and that will never happen. Leaving it perfect like her room had been at one time would have been harder for me than going through it - a reminder of the emptiness without her, a reminder that something's missing...a difficult reminder...
One of the things, other than the obvious, that made going through her room difficult was not knowing what to do with all of the 'baby stuff.' We knew there were certain things of hers that we would keep in a memory box - like her baby hat, paci, the painting I painted for her, the letters I painted that spelled her name, her giraffey, etc. But what do we do with everything else? We want to have another child sometime in the future...but we don't know when and we don't know if God decides to bless us with one if that child will be a girl or a boy. So what do we save? What do we get rid of? Where do we put it all? I didn't know what to do with 80% of her things. The majority of which were never used, some of which never even came out of their boxes...
But we went through it. I basically organized her things into three categories: donate/throw away, girl items we will save in case we have another girl, and uni-sex items we will keep that we can use whether we have a girl or a boy in the future. So now everything is stored away in her closet. Her walls are empty, her bookshelf has been taken down, her dresser emptied...the furniture is all that remains.
As I went through her things to 'take down her room', the piles of baby clothes, sorting through diapers, bottles, blankets, and so on reminded me of the day I went through her things to create her room. How opposite are those days...I remember being so consumed with how I wanted her nursery too look, how I wanted things organized, how everything eventually had its place, how excited I was when Josh and I liked the same nursery theme/design... and all of that for almost nothing...Taking down her nursery is another thing I never imagined in a million years I would have to do...all of my pregnant friends are setting up their nurseries with the same excitement and anticipation that I did with Hailey's, and here I am 'taking down' her nursery that was never even properly used...... it's hard. It sucks. And I wish it on no one. But I am thankful God gave me the strength to do it.
Part of the strength came from the fact that we have decided to use Hailey's room as the headquarters for Hailey's Hope. So now that everything is stored away in the closet and the room cleared out for the most part, there is space to store all of the donations for Hailey's Hope and space for me to create and store all the bags we will donate. So in a way, Hailey's room is the perfect place for Hailey's Hope to be.
Well I think I need to wrap this post up, if I don't I'm probably going to start crying as I sit and meditate on cleaning out Hailey's room and what that means to me here without her...
* * * * *
To my munchkin, One thing that made me happy while I went through your things and your room we prepared for you is knowing that as much excitement and heart and effort and love we put into creating your nursery, it is nothing compared to your room that God prepared for you in your house that you are living in now. I know your Heavenly nursery is perfect for you, has everything you could ever desire, and is another way you are experiencing God's love for you. I can't wait to see it someday. Love you and miss you, Mom
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." John 14: 1-4
Hailey's room is the perfect place to use for Hailey's Hope. She is in your heart while you helping others :)
ReplyDelete