A lesson in contentment

"...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" Philippians 4:1

Are you content with the circumstances of your life?

Being content when things are going your way is easy, but being content in the midst of hardship or suffering is beyond difficult as I have learned. Thankfully, I have also learned that a relationship with Christ which allows for the right perspective makes it possible to be content in all things, even after losing your child, your father, and discovering a new life and purpose in the aftermath.

I've mentioned it before that I have learned to be content with what happened to Hailey and my family. This post is more about me learning to be content with how I am using my time and understanding who I am now and what my purpose is.

It's about answering those questions that have been haunting me; the ones I hated people asking me only days after losing Hailey... you know the ones: what are you going to do now? are you going to teach again? and so on. I almost have let those questions eat away at me. As if what I was doing wasn't good enough. They made me feel guilty at times for not running out and finding a job right away after my hopes of being a stay at home mom were taken from me and I buried my daughter.

I know some of those questions and related comments came out of genuine concern for me as some people didn't want me just sitting at home all day being lonely and depressed, but not all of them came from that type of heart. Unfortunately I know too many people, family and friends, who frown upon stay at home moms and housewives in general. If you don't have a full time career, they see you as less then them or something. They won't admit openly that they think those things, but they do. I know it from their gossip and side comments about others.

Not only did the idea of what others thought of me for not working bother me, but so did several other related things. For instance, adjusting to a new way of life where I had more time than I knew what to do with was strange and hard. It was something that was foreign to me, and sometimes I let it bother me that I had nothing to do. At times I felt like I was living the life that I only thought possible when I'd be retired - doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted - and that made me feel guilty. As mentioned in earlier posts, I have been so used to being busy every second of the day and involved in too many things that suddenly I found myself not busy and not involved in much of anything. Even I defined who I was by my job title. Two years ago I was a teacher. A year ago I was going to be a stay at home mom. What was I now then? A housewife? Was that enough?

But yes it is enough. If that's what God wants. And so I learned to be content being a housewife and taking care of our dog. But only because that's what God wanted. My struggle in 'doing nothing' in the eyes of some isn't because I'm disobeying or going against God's plans for my life, it's because I more with what others thought and not being good enough in there eyes. Too often I have based my contentment on what others think, not what God thinks.

My prayer since Hailey died has always been for God to use me according to His purposes for my life. If he wanted me to become a full time teacher again, I would. If he wanted me to find a part time job somewhere, I would. If he wanted me to volunteer somewhere, I would. But if God was telling me he wanted me to relax and enjoy life, for some reason I wouldn't because society tells me that's wrong. But it's not and I'm finally realizing that God wanted me to do 'nothing' essentially for these past few months.

I needed the time for healing and to make it to the place where I am today - and God knew it. So I have learned to be content in taking time to heal instead of working. Those first few months were almost like a sabbatical for me that I'm only now realizing I took. It was a time of rest, healing, recovery... a time of drawing close to God, doing some soul searching, etc.

Then came the day in April when God put something new on my heart. When He told me it was time for something special for me to get involved in. When He put it on my heart to start a local project in memory of Hailey through Project Sweet Peas. I prayed for God to use my life according to His purposes, and this was the answer. He knew I was ready, and I needed it.

I've taken on Hailey's Hope almost like it's a full time job from home. But still, even after God continues to answer my prayers and use me, I battle with being discontent with my circumstances. Here I am, using my time wisely, serving others, doing something I really enjoy, yet I'm still discontent. Why? Because my mind constantly goes to my career path: teaching English full time.  And I think to myself, "What does donating gift bags have to do with teaching? shouldn't I only be doing things that I can put on my resume for when I apply for a teaching position?" And here comes the struggle with trying to define myself and my life.

But couldn't it be that God has plans other than teaching for me? And what about my 'resume' for God? After all, with Hailey's Hope I'm still using my time, my skills, and my resources to serve Him and His kingdom. God  has blessed me with more than the ability to teach, so isn't it possible that just maybe God doesn't want me to teach right now?  That He has given me this new 'task' and opportunity for me to shine and serve? After all, my goal behind teaching is the same as my goal behind becoming involved with Project Sweet Peas: to use my time and talents to serve God and others. So isn't it just possible that God has this in mind for me right now? Why is that so hard for me to accept?

I don't have it on my heart to teach or sub or tutor. But I do have it on my heart to devote everything I have to Hailey's Hope and helping others find hope during an experience that I have been through. With all of that said, I think I am finally learning to be content with what I'm doing with my life. For now this is where God wants me, and this is what I'm going to do.

So what am I doing now? Am I going back to teaching? I can comfortably and confidently answer those types of questions now:

I am a project leader for Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas. I am organizing the donation of over 20 bags to be delivered in June to over 20 families who have babies in NICUs so that they can be provided with a touch of comfort and hope during a difficult time. And I will continue to be organizing fundraisers, gathering donations, and delivering donated gift bags to families with babies in the NICUs. I am also happy to be extending my involvement with Project Sweet Peas by managing their blog. And now I do not plan on going back to teaching full time any time soon.

As for where I will be in a few more months, we'll just have to wait and see where God takes me...could be the same thing, could be working as a part time substitute teacher, could be working on continuing our family... only God knows. And I am okay with that.

Pictures, Pain, Passion

(Writer's note: Don't miss the end...)

Do you know how many pictures you have of your child? Or maybe if you don't have children, do you know how many you have your significant other?

Your answer is probably no I'm guessing.

But do I know how many pictures I have of Hailey?

Unfortunately, my answer is yes.

I have 785 pictures that have to do with Hailey - from pregnancy pictures to baby showers to ultrasound pictures to actual pictures of her. Every single picture ever taken (even the ones with my eyes closed or that didn't turn out just perfect) - 785 total. Which means that I have less than 785 pictures of just her - and if I wanted to, I could go through them all and count to find the number of ones that are just of her.

I spent Tuesday evening and most of Wednesday putting all of Hailey's pictures in a photo album so that they could all be in one place. Well not exactly a traditional photo album, but a photo book that I created online through Shutterfly. I chose to make a photo book instead of a traditional photo album for a couple of reasons. First, I have made two photo books in the past, and I love them! Second, can you imagine 785 4x6 pictures in a photo album? It would be huge, and I doubt anyone makes one photo album to hold that many pictures! Hailey's photo book is 12x12" and has 81 pages total with anywhere from 16 to 3 pictures on a page. So the photo book was the perfect option to please my creative desires for all of her pictures, and it was the only really practical choice.

Knowing how many pictures I have of my child is strange. Knowing I have seen every single picture ever taken of her is also strange. Strange and sad. But I am thankful I even have that many. I am thankful I took pictures of my growing belly when I was pregnant because if I would have miscarried Hailey as happens to so many Trisomy 18 babies I wouldn't have had any pictures 'of her.' And I am thankful that even though 785 seems like such a small number to me - in this world of digital photography where you can so easily take thousands upon thousands of pictures of anything - really 785 is a lot higher of a number than some other moms have of their babies. For instance, my cousin who started her own photography business this year shared a story of a fellow photographer who stood in as the photographer for a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep session. She captured the life of a beautiful Trisomy 18 baby who lived for 7 hours in 80-90 photographs.  Those are the only pictures that that mother has of her son. Suddenly I am reminded as to how blessed we are to have had 36 days with Hailey and to have hundreds of pictures of her.

I've mentioned this before, but looking at pictures of Hailey can be frustrating for me at times. If I compare a handful of pictures of her, she looks like a different baby in each. There are only an elite few that stand out and reflect how Hailey actually looked to me. To me, her mom, many of the pictures don't even look like her. I don't know why, but I swear the camera had a hard time capturing what Hailey looked like in person. Only a few managed to do that. So it's frustrating at times when I see a picture of her and know she looked so much cuter than that in person. So this time going through her pictures I had the same frustrations at times.

But more so than ever before, viewing her pictures this time brought different thoughts to my head. For the first time, when looking at myself, I saw so much joy that I didn't understand it. I am not crying in the pictures the first time I saw her because I didn't cry the first time I saw her even though my heart was devastated inside. I might cry now when I look back at those pictures, but I didn't in the moment that the picture captured. In 98% of the pictures of Hailey, I see a smile on my face, a happiness, a joy, only things that a new mother could feel and express. Despite what my baby looked like, despite her being air lifted to a NICU and being in the hospital for 8 days, despite the fact that our baby had a disorder that made her incapable of living... despite all the fears and sorrows... they don't appear in the pictures... because when I was with Hailey I was happy. And there was a delicate balance of joy and sorrow every day we had her and still is every day since she's passed. And I realized that somehow I managed to minimize the fears and sorrows and magnify the joy and love so that in all the pictures that is all you will see. And I am so thankful I managed to do that.

Looking at some of the pictures taken by NILMDTS, I saw myself holding Hailey with a gigantic smile on my face. And a part of me thought I am like a smiling fool. What am I doing with that huge grin plastered to my face as these pictures were taken a day after we learned our baby was going to die by this photographer who was there only because our baby was going to die? Yes I had to try hard to smile, but my smile was real nonetheless. And I did it because of these days now. When the pictures were being taken, I knew there would be a time when Hailey would be gone and they would be all I had left of her, and I wanted to remember being happy with her and celebrating her life. And when I look at the pictures now that she is gone and I see the smiles, it makes me feel so comforted and it helps me find the reasons to continue to celebrate her.

Since I have joined this unspoken, invisible 'group' of women who have lost a baby, I have become all too aware of the experiences that accompany this type of loss. I have seen so many pictures of babies who were born stillborn or only lived hours or days and the family members in the pictures are captured in their devastation and sobbing. That is their personal story, and I am in no way judging them, but I am glad I don't have any of those with Hailey. The sobbing happened and it's real and not to be ignored or undermined, but I am glad I made sure that all of the captured moments were full of joy.

Never before this year have I felt and thought so much about joy and sorrow and how they go hand in hand, and it really is quite the learning experience. I am currently reading a book called Strong Women, Soft Hearts, and it is wonderful. It is not about grief or child loss or anything specific to me other than that I am a woman, and it is written for women. But in reading it, sometimes it speaks beautifully to my specific, healing, broken heart. Here are a few passages that particularly stood out to me that I wanted to share with you:

"...to accept the unavoidable aspect of pain - the gap between what seemed meant to be and what was. I had this mental image of how my life should be, a painting on the wall of my mind. And try as I might, I could not get reality to match the dream."

"...you know you're an adult when you start to realize that some sorrows in life will never go away. You learn to carry them with you in ways that enrich rather than debilitate your life, in ways that make you wise. But the dark and knubby places in the fabric, the tapestry of your life, remain."

"If you want to know real joy in life, then be willing to let pain tutor your soul. Passion in life is comprised of the stuff that comes from the tutoring process - slowly and mysteriously...the root of this word passion gives us significant clues as to how we acquire it. It means "to suffer." It's as though some wise old soul was trying to let us in on a little secret. So...you are interested in the passionate life. You want the real thing. Are you will, then, to grapple with a bit of pain?"

For the most part I will let these quotes stand on their own and speak for themselves. But I will say in regards to the last two that these are things I am learning and are ways that I am growing. And I think the passion quote fits my life pretty well right now and explains some of what I've been feeling lately (like with the other posts about feeling free and trying new things, etc.). Even though my pain can be excruciating and I would do anything to trade the pain to have Hailey back and healthy, having known her and lost her is tutoring my soul, shaping me into a better person who is passionate about life. Appreciating life, feeling joy in deeper ways, and having this passion for life comes at a cost as mentioned... but I am thankful to be learning and growing and changing and not becoming debilitated...

In closing, I'll leave you with a never before seen (except by the eyes of my mom's, Josh's, and my own) picture of Hailey. This one is Hailey as I knew/ know her. This is Hailey how I want to remember her and envision her always. Resting in my arms looking like her. Enjoy. I know I do. :)

 

So with all of that all being said, I can't wait to see her photo book. I should receive it in the mail in a few weeks and I will let you all know how it turns out.

Hailey's Hope:1 Week Left!

One week from today is June 1st, which is our deadline for Hailey's Hope's first set of gift bag donations to the NCIUs at The Children's Hospital in Birmingham, AL.

I am so excited to share this latest update with you all!

Since my last update we have received several more monetary donations including donations from family members, friends, OCF members, teachers at the grade school I attended where my mom works as a teacher, and from one of my best friends and her family.

I am pleased and confident to announce that with 1 week left, we will be able to meet our goal of 20 bags! Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed for us, supported us, and donated to our project. Thanks to you, we are going to be able to touch the lives of over 20 families who have babies in NICUs. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

This is where we stand as of today with 1 week left:

• Total mount of money raised: $1,729.00!!


• Total number of individual items donated: 81!!


• Total number of bags filled and completed: 3


• Estimated amount of bags to be filled with donation money: Over 16!

If you do the math you will see that we will be able to donate at least 20 bags! And I'm hoping to be very thrifty with the money donated by purchasing in bulk, shopping around for deals online and deals in stores, and even hitting up the dollar stores I will stretch every dollar while still keeping the brand new items in the bags classy and beautiful. So by being smart with the money that has been so generously given to Hailey's Hope, I hope to bring more than 20 bags to the NICUs!

Now, if you still haven't given to Hailey's Hope and you would like to be a part of this first round of gift bags, you have 1 week left to get your donation to me. If you cannot make the June 1st deadline, please don't let that keep you from giving - as I've said before - Hailey's Hope is not just a one time thing, we will be continually giving gift bags to the NICUs throughout the rest of this year! More information to come on that later...

Thank you and blessings to you all!

~Hailey's Momma and Project Leader of Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas

Pair of Shoes Poem

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

I came across this poem today on a new ministry and blog I came across: Anchored by Hope. I think it describes the way women who have suffered from loss of a child often feel (I certainly have felt this way and sometimes still do), and I personally have always loved the walking in someone else's shoes metaphor - even taught lessons on it when I taught 8th grade language arts. But back to the poem, I wouldn't say that I consider my shoes as ugly or describe it as hate. But there have been moments I have felt that way. In a sense the progression of the shoe's description in the poem mirrors the progression of my journey through grief. It starts off in that ugly place. Then after awhile, you learn your situation is not unique - you may feel that it is, but it really is not. I personally have been learning that a lot lately. It's amazing and sad at the time how many women have suffered from infant loss like myself and how many more have suffered 'worse' losses than myself with multiple losses and miscarriages and so on. And everyone's walk in the shoes is different as the poem states. I have seen others who have lost a child remain in a very dark place full of pain day in and out. I have seen others, and like to classify myself in this group, who can look past the hurt, become stronger, braver, etc. But the fact remains, and it's a fact I find hard to deal with sometimes, once you've lost a child you will forever walk in those shoes. Nothing will ever change that about you...

Trying something new, for a change

Well it's been a few days since I last wrote. I'll blame it on my 3 day long dull headache and keeping busy. But I'm back and have some fun things to share in this post.

Yesterday Josh and I drove to the middle of nowhere in Alabama to visit this 'zoo' we had been hearing all about. You see, if you've ever been to Ft. Rucker, you are aware that there is not much to do in the actual town we live in outside of the post - the surrounding areas are wonderful if you can manage driving a couple of hours - shopping, beaches, museums, etc. But in our town, not much goes on. So we decided to get out of the house, get out of the town, and take a little adventure to McCelland's Zoo aka "Mike's Zoo Critters." First, let me just say that I can't believe that it took us a year of living here to finally hear about this 'zoo.' But I'm so glad we did. We had a blast!  I'm not going to chronicle our trip or describe this place in detail, so if you want to find out more you can visit their website. What I will do is give you some of the highlights of our trip.

Mike himself - a crazy Australian (?) animal enthusiast with a unique sense of humor - takes you on a tour of his zoo. Only in Southern Alabama will you find a zoo in the middle of nowhere with monkeys that drink Coke from cans and eat Lay's potato chips and several other species indulging in sugary, fluffy, sticky marshmallows (like when Mike let a grizzly bear eat a marshmallow that he, Mike, was holding in his mouth). Those were all great parts of the trip, and the animals were awesome and beautiful as well, but the truly best moments of the trip appear below:

Snake Neck Massage or Necklace ?

Holding a Burmese Python

Petting the Baby Alligator

Cuddling an Arctic Wolf Pup (not very scary but sooo much fun!)

You see, if you have known me for awhile, you know that the events portrayed in these photographs are NOT characteristic of me at all. I will just go ahead and I say it: I can be a wimp...a chicken... I am reluctant to do anything adventurous. I cried at Great America when I was 16 years old as my husband, then boyfriend, dragged me into the line for Vertical Velocity. I find enjoyment in the 'safer,' more relaxing things of life and have been quite content doing so. If you take me on a tropical vacation I would prefer laying on the beach soaking up the sun or relaxing in a hammock reading a book. I don't like to try new things that may take some sort of courage or bravery often because they include some sort of risk. I much prefer to play it safe as I don't find enjoyment in many such scenarios.(Now don't think I've been a total wimp all my life having no adventures whatsoever; I've snowboarded, kayaked, snorkeled, rock wall climbed, and so on).

But here I am yesterday smiling with a snake coiled around my neck and holding a HUGE Burmese python - and just a note if you haven't guessed, I am NOT a snake person... at all. They creep me out, really. Most things that are slithery, slimy, have scales, sharp teeth, etc. creep me out. Even holding the baby alligator was uncharacteristic of me - yes it's only a baby animal and most baby animals are cute - but, me, the wimp, hold an alligator? Sure I hesitated when being offered all of these opportunities, but I was being given opportunities that don't come along often, and I wanted to take them.

On a separate, but related, note. A few weekends ago we went to the range so I could learn to shoot our gun. Again, if you have ever known me, you know that I am not a gun person - my husband may be - but not me. I was not raised around people who own or carry guns, and they are quite scary to me. It took Josh (and some of our friends) months and months of convincing and persuading me to allow him to purchase a gun (which only happened because of safety features and certain stipulations in terms of storage, usage, and such). Agreeing to it was a significant milestone for me, but learning to handle it and use it, well that was an entirely different milestone for me - so much so that I now am more comfortable around guns and other weapons. I don't squirm and gets knots in my belly when I'm around them so much anymore, and I actually enjoyed shooting the guns that I had a chance to try out. It was another opportunity not many people I know have or take, and I took it. Not only did that day potentially help me in the future in terms of using a gun for protection and what not, but it helped me step outside of my comfort zone, try out and learn something new, and it took some courage on my part to do so. Now I'm even being persuaded to purchase another gun, one that's more suited for me to use.



These days and moments show how I've changed, or am changing, and I attribute it to my experience with Hailey, to God changing me. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone more, exhibiting more courage than usual, being more fearless, taking more chances and opportunities that are unfamiliar, slightly scary, and even intimidating, and having fun. I know holding a snake and shooting a gun are nothing like jumping out of a plane, fighting in a war, or anything really daring, but for me they're a big deal. I'm trying to live each day of my life to the fullest and try new things and experience as much as I can while I'm given this time on earth. I've found a new source of courage to do this, and I've found a new sense of appreciating and enjoying life. Having and losing Hailey has changed me - it's like I mentioned in the last post - I have nothing left to lose, nothing left to fear, and I've learned to really live in the moment.

(And no, Josh, this does NOT mean I will ever go sky diving with you - but I am more likely to try other things with you.)

Investing for the Better

Lately I've been thinking about this whole thing of "bitter or better." Will the experience of burying my baby leave me bitter? Will it make me put up walls, close my heart, not want to feel, not want to live, be angry, be miserable, and so on? Or will the experience of giving birth to Hailey and saying goodbye to her 36 days later leave me better because of it? Will I keep her in my heart and go on to live my life to the fullest, seek joy over my sorrow, strive to be the best person I can be while on this earth, make the lives of others better, have a light in my eyes and a smile on my face?

I am determined to be better.

It's easier to be bitter and all the other things that come along with it, as I've mentioned before. Being better takes effort, but don't most things that are worthwhile take effort? Not only does being better take effort, sometimes it is just plain hard, especially because grief has a tendency to suck all of the life and energy out of you.

Grieving is, amongst other things, exhausting. There are many times since Hailey has passed that I have just simply not had anything left to give to anyone. I have felt everything stripped away...like I've given everything I could and it was taken away... my grief was sucking all of the energy out of me. My mind, my heart, couldn't deal with anything else. The grief consumed me. And part of it is also that fact that it's scary to give of yourself again when you've given and had it taken from you. I think the exhaustion that results from grief is one of the reasons why it is also so common for grieving people to isolate themselves.

Thankfully I didn't isolate myself after losing Hailey and my dad. Even though I was geographically isolated from family and many friends, I still went out into the world, to church, Bible study, the gym, etc. and interacted with people.  But I've realized lately that I haven't given much of myself to anyone. I haven't made any effort to invest in someone and be their friend. Investing in people takes energy and effort that I simply just did not have.

Along the same lines, one of the most common questions I get asked since my plan of becoming a stay-at-home mom obviously weren't going to happen anymore is "when are you going to go back to teaching?' or 'when are you going to get a job?' and so on. People just don't understand. Starting a new job after losing Hailey and my dad would have been impossible for me because it would have been something else I would have had to invest in, and in my grief-stricken state I just had nothing to give, nothing to invest. Thankfully we are in a position where I do not need a job so I can take the time to heal and rebuild myself so that I can get to a point where I can invest myself into something eventually.

And usually those are the two areas I focus on and immediately recognize as being areas where I do not have the energy to invest myself in. But I've realized lately that at times I am neglecting a large part of my life and who I am. I forget to invest in something else, which is the most important relationship I have next to God... my marriage.




One of the first things Josh and I were told when we learned that Hailey was going to die was that the loss of a child significantly increases the risk of divorce (some statistics show as high as 80-90% of couples divorcing after losing a child while others show it as low as 20%). I had also heard stories about divorces occurring because a couple had a special needs child. At the time, I couldn't fathom why that was so. Unfortunately, I have come to understand it. Let me just say right away, no Josh and I are not headed down that path, thank God. But I am now aware as to why so many marriages do go down that path...

I'm not going to get into mine and Josh's dirty laundry or anything like that. But I will admit, there were times especially initially after losing my daughter and my dad where interacting with my husband was difficult. Why? Because I had nothing left to give him. Emotionally I was drained, exhausted. Investing in him felt impossible. It was easier to not care about anything, how I treated him, what he needed, etc. And that is so dangerous, and I believe that is why marriages can fail. Thankfully my husband was usually fully invested in me even during the times I had nothing to give.

I often write about how when I'm at my worst in my grief I feel like my world has been taken away from me, I have nothing, I feel alone, I feel empty, I don't know who I am if I can't be Hailey's mother, I don't know what my purpose is, and on and on. It pains me to realize how neglectful I am towards my role as a wife. I somehow downplay it in my head like it doesn't matter. And I'm finally realizing how much it does matter. My role as a wife, my husband, and my marriage are immensely important to me. I am not nothing, I am not alone, my world is not over - although at times I think the opposite.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs as all do, and perhaps more so sometimes because of all the added stressors that we happen to have. Some of the best statements about marriage that I have heard are: "you have to work hard to have a good marriage" and "marriage is not about always feeling love toward your spouse; it's about a commitment and choosing love as an action." So in this grieving process, I am learning more about my marriage and my role in it. I do have something to live for. I have someone to live for. He is not perfect, nor am I. Our marriage will always take work. But the wonderful thing is that we are committed to each other. Neither one of us is going anywhere, and that brings tremendous security and peace.

So to my husband: I am sorry if in my grief and 'doom and gloom' states I have ever made you feel like you are not enough or that being your wife is not enough. Because you are and it is. And I value you and our love and our promises we made to each other before God. This road of life we travel together has been filled with troubles intertwined with wonderful moments, love, and joy and will continue to be so I imagine, and I am thankful to call myself your wife and continue on together. I want the experience of losing our daughter and my father to make me a better person, and that includes being a better wife. I love you.

From Fear to Freedom

I came upon an uplifting, somewhat surprising, maybe even life-changing, realization a few days ago: I have nothing to fear.

Think about that. Think of your life. Think of your greatest fear. Then remove that fear. Imagine it. How freeing is it?! Feel it!

So I am proclaiming that at this point in my life. I have nothing to fear. Why you ask? Because the thing I fear happening the most in my life happened.

If you were confronted with answering the question, what are you afraid of most in your life? What would you answer? For me it always has been and always will be the deaths of the people I love and living without them. Someone I love. Someone close to my heart.  (Yes we all deal with the deaths of loved ones, grandparents and other relatives, but I mean a close someone. Like a child, spouse, parent, best friend...someone you talk to every day, someone who impacts your life every day, someone you share your life with...)

So what I feared the most has happened. And it happened in a way I would never imagine. I lost my first baby. As if that was not enough, 2 weeks later I lost my father. Within two weeks I lost two people who made up a large portion of my heart and my life. I had known my dad for my entire life. I knew my daughter for 39 weeks and 36 days. I knew them for different amounts of time, and I had different relationships with them. My dad and I were very close and understood each other like no one else could. And I had my natural, maternal bond with my daughter. The blow my heart took after losing both my father and daughter before I turned 25 years old was unexpected and devastating. The thing I feared the most happened. And it happened twice. And it happened within a two week time period. My fear happened worst than I had imagined.

But the good news is, I am surviving. Life is continuing on as it does. And yes it's difficult and hurts beyond belief. But I'm surviving. I've experienced the pain. And I'm experiencing the healing. I'm experiencing God's faithfulness. And my life is changing - for the better, I'm determined.

Not too long ago I wrote about how fear was consuming my life. Fear of having another child. Fear of another loss. And if I really want to get into my greatest fears, fear of becoming a young widow if my husband is killed when he's deployed. But ultimately, I realized, I have nothing to fear... Here's why:

First, this is what I read that made me realize this:

“…Nancy Guthrie writes about how deep losses led her husband to experience God in a new way. She says, ‘Now that he has experienced his greatest fear, and experienced God’s supreme faithfulness to us through his difficulty, he no longer fears tragedy in our lives. We know God more fully because we’ve experienced Him more fully through our sorrow.’” from Holley Gerth’s devotional Rain On Me

I feel as this woman's husband felt.

Sure my greatest fear can still happen and is bound to happen again because we are after all mortal. But I am not afraid. If...when...it happens, I will feel pain. I know what the pain is like to some extent. And I will feel healing and experience God's faithfulness. I've been there done that. And things aren't so scary once you've been there.

Secondly I've found my faith again. I believe that with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26, Luke 18:27). I believe God is faithful (1 John 1:9, 1 Cor. 10:13, Deut. 7:9,). I know that no matter what happens - even my worst fears - God is in control and will never leave me.

I am at a place where some days I feel like I have lost almost everything...even though I've only lost my daughter and my father...sometimes it still feels as if my whole life has been ripped out of my hands and I have nothing. I know what it's like when God takes away. I know what it's like when He gives. I have a knowing and an understanding I didn't have before. It's like the song "Take The World But Give Me Jesus." I know to some extent what it's like to be Job - to feel like you've had the world taken from you. But it will be okay. Give me Jesus who is faithful and will never leave me, and I will be okay. I will survive, and someday I will have an eternity in God's home free of the fears and pains and troubles of this world.

Does this mean I will never be afraid again? Of course not. But this realization about my fears and my experiences give me one up on Satan and living a life controlled by fear. It's freeing. It makes me want to live my life. Really live.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity [fear], but a spirit of power, of love..." 2 Timothy 1:7

Another cleaning of sorts...

Well this weekend Josh and I went through Hailey's room... it took several hours Friday and several hours Saturday. I handled it pretty well. It was hard and sad of course, but I didn't cry or feel like I needed to. I wanted to stay strong and positive because if I didn't that could have been the most gut-wrenching, heart-wrenching, grief-stricken experience since coming home to our empty house.

For me personally I needed to go through Hailey's room for some closure. Her room has been left a mess all these months since she's passed. All of her belongings that were scattered about the house while she was with us had been hastily, but lovingly all placed into piles in her room. All of the cards and gifts and other things that were leftover from her memorial service added to the disarray in her room.

Not only did it need to be cleaned and organized, but for me, I needed to go through her things and her room because it was no longer her room. Yes in a sense that room will always be Hailey's room while we live in this house, but in another sense, it's not her room. She's never going to be in it, use it, or use the items in it. I couldn't stand to see it perfectly organized and cleaned because then it would look like we had it when we were waiting for her to be born, like I was waiting for her to come home again...and that will never happen. Leaving it perfect like her room had been at one time would have been harder for me than going through it - a reminder of the emptiness without her, a reminder that something's missing...a difficult reminder...

One of the things, other than the obvious, that made going through her room difficult was not knowing what to do with all of the 'baby stuff.' We knew there were certain things of hers that we would keep in a memory box - like her baby hat, paci, the painting I painted for her, the letters I painted that spelled her name, her giraffey, etc. But what do we do with everything else? We want to have another child sometime in the future...but we don't know when and we don't know if God decides to bless us with one if that child will be a girl or a boy. So what do we save? What do we get rid of? Where do we put it all? I didn't know what to do with 80% of her things. The majority of which were never used, some of which never even came out of their boxes...

But we went through it. I basically organized her things into three categories: donate/throw away, girl items we will save in case we have another girl, and uni-sex items we will keep that we can use whether we have a girl or a boy in the future. So now everything is stored away in her closet. Her walls are empty, her bookshelf has been taken down, her dresser emptied...the furniture is all that remains.

As I went through her things to 'take down her room', the piles of baby clothes, sorting through diapers, bottles, blankets, and so on reminded me of the day I went through her things to create her room. How opposite are those days...I remember being so consumed with how I wanted her nursery too look, how I wanted things organized, how everything eventually had its place, how excited I was when Josh and I liked the same nursery theme/design... and all of that for almost nothing...Taking down her nursery is another thing I never imagined in a million years I would have to do...all of my pregnant friends are setting up their nurseries with the same excitement and anticipation that I did with Hailey's, and here I am 'taking down' her nursery that was never even properly used...... it's hard. It sucks. And I wish it on no one. But I am thankful God gave me the strength to do it.

Part of the strength came from the fact that we have decided to use Hailey's room as the headquarters for Hailey's Hope. So now that everything is stored away in the closet and the room cleared out for the most part, there is space to store all of the donations for Hailey's Hope and space for me to create and store all the bags we will donate. So in a way, Hailey's room is the perfect place for Hailey's Hope to be.

Well I think I need to wrap this post up, if I don't I'm probably going to start crying as I sit and meditate on cleaning out Hailey's room and what that means to me here without her...

*  *  *  *  *

To my munchkin, One thing that made me happy while I went through your things and your room we prepared for you is knowing that as much excitement and heart and effort and love we put into creating your nursery, it is nothing compared to your room that God prepared for you in your house that you are living in now. I know your Heavenly nursery is perfect for you, has everything you could ever desire, and is another way you are experiencing God's love for you. I can't wait to see it someday. Love you and miss you, Mom

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." John 14: 1-4

Cleansing ~ Part 2 aka Ducky

Finally, a much needed blog post on little Hailey Marie. I was trying to find some inspiration about what to write about because, honestly, I'm afraid I'm running out of memories to write about...there are only so many... But my last entry inspired me to share some memories and thoughts about bath time with Hailey (trying to go along with the 'cleansing' theme).

As many of you moms out there know, bath time with a newborn isn't much of a bath time as one my think. There are no bathtubs, bubbles, rubber duckies, etc. - although we had all of those items ready for when Hailey was going to be old enough for a "real" bath...unfortunately we never had a chance to use them with her. So anyways, before I get sidetracked, bath time for newborns is more of a sponge bath and is not done that often initially.

Hailey was about 2 weeks old when we gave her her first bath. And we really had no clue what we were doing... at least I didn't. It's one thing to have a healthy newborn baby on your hands and doing things like washing him/her for the first time with all those new parent anxieties where everything is a learning experience. But it's completely another thing when on top of that your baby isn't healthy, has an oxygen tube in her nose at all times so she can breathe fully, and has gauze and an ace bandage wrapped around her tummy incision and stitches.

I remember being excited about giving Hailey a bath and having that memory with her. I was excited to use some of her bathing items we bought or received as gifts, like her ducky towel. I was excited to do something motherly with my baby. But at the time I remember being worried about several things. I worried about cleaning her tummy area but not getting her bandages or anything else wet. I worried about how we would wash around her oxygen tube and tummy bandages and still give her a good bath. And most of all I worried about her becoming too cold during her bath.

We decided to bathe her in her nursery as the other rooms were too cool, hers was slightly warmer. We placed some towels down on the middle of the floor. I prepared some bowls with clean warm water, clean soapy water, etc. and got some soft baby rags ready to use. We laid out her ducky towel so it was ready to wrap her in right when we were done.

At this time Josh's mom was with us and we designated her photographer. Josh was in charge of holding and maneuvering Hailey. And I was in charge of doing the actual bathing. So when things were all ready and we had our plan of attack - which mostly involved keep Hailey warm so move quickly - we undressed Hailey, removed her diaper, and I began washing her one little area at a time - wash one leg, dry one leg, wash other leg, dry other leg, and so on so that her body was never all wet at the same time.

Hailey was a trooper through most of her first bath. At first she didn't really know what was going on and had lots of confused expressions. I think she liked the rubbing that was involved - kind of like a massage perhaps. But eventually she became a little fussy and who could blame her. A new strange experience with people fidgeting a lot with her. Not very calming although we tried our best to make it that way.

Seeing her completely undressed and wet brought mixed emotions. On the one hand she was so tiny and adorable and cute it just made my heart melt with love. On the other hand she was so tiny... so very tiny... and so very skinny...She was not the image of a healthy chubby baby at two weeks. In her skinniness you could tell she was sick, and she didn't look like the full term baby she was... at this point I think she weighed barely 5 lbs. So that was hard and still is hard. I think the same things I did then now when I look at her pictures. So many of them bring positive and negative emotions and thoughts with them.

But anyways, back to my memory, Hailey's first bath was a success. When we were finished washing her, we wrapped her in her ducky towel. (The pictures of her in her towel are some of my favorites.) And Josh quoted one of our favorite childhood movies, "I smell....I smell...I smell...hmmm...ducky!" Hailey was our little ducky. :) It felt good to have her clean with that fresh baby smell and flowery scent of her baby body wash and all wrapped tight and warm in her towel. (And if I remember correctly, I'm pretty sure at some point Hailey peed on Josh...but he seems to have forgotten this and thinks I'm mistaken... :) ).

We gave Hailey her second bath the weekend before she passed. By this time our moms and families had gone home, and it was just Hailey, Josh, and I. Her second bath was very much similar to her first. However, as I was almost finished bathing her, while Josh held her tiny, fragile, slippery body in his hands, I realized I wasn't doing it exactly as I had done the first time. I wasn't washing and drying each part of her little body separately. I was approaching it with the mindset of wash everything, dry everything. And to this day I feel guilty about that. I feel like that was the wrong approach and I made her too cold... Probably something silly, but sometimes I wonder if that helped make her sick... Sometimes I wish I could do that second bath all over again...but I know I can't and that I did the best I could. Sometimes the best just doesn't seem good enough does it?

So something so simple as giving a baby a bath was not quite so simple for us. But at the end of each bath Hailey was clean and taken care of and we poured our love out on her, our "ducky." And I am happy and feel blessed that we were able to have the privilege of bathing our baby girl in our own home - another memory making moment I wasn't sure I was going to have.

(And just a little fact - Hailey's ducky picture is the picture I used to put inside of my locket.)

**Miss you munchkin ~ I love remembering the moments we shared ~ Love and kisses, Mom**

Cleansing ~ Part 1

First, I don't know what it is about this month, but it has been very draining emotionally for me. I wonder where the strong woman rejoicing during her loss and trials went to... I want her back. Instead, the majority of this month I have felt tired, beaten down, defeated by life...and somehow my hope, amongst other things, seems to have disappeared. My negative thoughts overwhelm me, and my feelings linger towards hopelessness, anger, and bitterness. And a part of me has become angry that God has allowed so much pain and suffering in my life and seems to bless so many of my friends and family with the very things that were taken away from me and/or that I long for.

I want to find the hope I had but seem to have lost, and I want to hold on to it and not let go. I want God to completely heal my broken heart. Most of all, I need a spiritual cleansing. All my negative thoughts and emotions feel like toxins inside of me. I want Him to cleanse me of my impurities and refresh my inner most being. I want God to refresh me and restore my soul. I want a new me, a me who is better for having experienced what I have, a me whose eyes reveal a light and a joy, a me who embraces life, loves fully, and runs the good race wholeheartedly. This is my prayer today:

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

-Psalm 51:10

So here I am desperately fighting and praying to be that person and to come out 'better' and not 'bitter' over this season of my life (as my devotional put it). This month so far has made me realize that I need to spend more time in prayer and in God's word. For weeks now I've been searching for a verse  that would speak to exactly what I've been experiencing and feeling, and today in my devotional God spoke what I needed to hear:

But as for me, I will always hope;

I will praise You more and more...

Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter,

You will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

You will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor

and comfort me once again.

-Psalm 71:14,20-21

*  *  *  *  *

I will post 'cleansing - part 2' tomorrow - and it will be about memories of Hailey relating to the topic ...

Hailey's Hope Update - 3 Weeks Left!

Hi y'all - (ok sorry I had to do the y'all thing just once... :) ) Here's another update on Hailey's Hope.

We are 3 weeks away from our deadline of 20 gift bags by June 1st!

I am so happy with and encouraged by all of the generous and amazing donations we have received so far!

Here are some statistics and numbers regarding the status of our success as of today:

• Over 20 individuals and families have donated to Hailey's Hope.


• With their support we have raised enough money to purchase 8 bags (and we already have 3 bags completed).


• 29 blankets, 10 stuffed animals, 8 baby hats, 9 pairs of mittens, 12 pairs of socks, 1 picture frame, and 1 children's book have been donated.

We just passed our halfway point to meeting our goal, but we still need more donations to reach (and maybe surpass!) our goal of 20 bags. 

If you have not given to Hailey's Hope, please consider how you might be able to help us reach our goal. Currently we are in need of items for girls and for these specific items: disposable cameras, travel size toiletries, hand sanitizer, journals/notebooks, children's books, and preemie outfits. And of course monetary gifts can help us purchase what we need.

And just a reminder, the easiest way to stay updated is through the Hailey's Hope facebook page - click the Facebook icon below to go directly to our page.

THANK YOU to everyone who has supported us so far!

Mother's Day Reflections

Well... I survived last week (glad it is over), which also means I survived Mother's Day. It was not as terrible as I anticipated or as it could have been, and I managed not to cry.

As I mentioned to my friend, it was as good of a Mother's Day as I could have experienced without Hailey and I believe that was possible because of 2 things - 1. prayer and 2. perspective. I chose to focus on how proud and privileged I am to be Hailey's mom. I was her mom before she was born, as she grew inside of me, I was her mom when she was born and graced us with 36 days of her life, and I am still her mom even though she is not here with me. Despite some of my fears and negative thinking, nothing can change the fact that I am her mother and she is my daughter, not even death. 

The difficult thing about Mother's Day, that I have only now come to realize, is that society seems to only celebrate the mothers who are here on earth and who have children here on the earth with them. They forget the mothers who have passed and they forget the mothers who have children who have passed. But those mothers need that day more than the mothers and children who are still here together do. I never knew the pain that such a celebratory day could cause. Women who suffer from infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths, the deaths of children...These women need to recognized too. They don't need to be recognized in the sense that 'oh this day is so painful for you' which yes most of the time it is, but they don't need reminders of that; instead, they need to be celebrated on Mother's Day too. And I just have to say that I really can't believe it's 2010 and there are still no cards in the card section for Mother's who are like me.

And I will admit, I avoided church this weekend. I couldn't face it, face the unknown. I didn't know what it would be like if I went. Would they acknowledge the mothers by having them stand with their children? Would they show happy pictures of moms with their kids? Would they pass out flowers to the mothers? What would they do? Would the message be about motherhood? I couldn't face it. Mostly because even the church fails to recognize the pain of Mother's Day for many women like myself. Maybe if they included us in what they're celebrating it would be different... but childless mothers like me go ignored...which is a source of the pain. I wasn't necessarily afraid of the sorrow that would come of seeing the other mothers with their children, although that would have been hard of course, but I was more afraid of being ignored or being in an awkward situation. I didn't want to start my day out feeling like my motherhood was in question or non-existent which would make me cry no question. So I didn't go. Maybe next year I can do it. But not this week, not this Mother's Day.

But I really had a nice Mother's Day. Many family and friends wished me a Happy Mother's Day and had many nice thoughts to share with me. My mom had flowers delivered to me on Friday. On Sunday Josh woke me up by putting a jewelry box in my hand which contained an expensive white gold chain for my pendant of Hailey's footprint (I accidentally broke its original chain earlier last week), and then he made me my favorite breakfast, a ham omelet, which I enjoyed outside with him, our puppy, and the beautiful weather and sunny blue skies. And then the rest of the day was pretty quiet, but that is okay. I enjoyed my time with my husband and puppy.

But perhaps more important than any of those other things was what God gave me (in addition to Hailey and the gift of being her mom). God blessed me with several gifts this weekend. First and foremost, He gave me His peace which allowed me survive and smile yesterday. But He also gave me some unexpected gifts. He blessed me with a beautiful, vibrant, pink rose that fully bloomed on Saturday (pic above)...more beautiful than the pink rose our friend delivered to us the day Hailey died and more beautiful than the one I placed on her casket the day we buried her...I like to think that this rose was a gift to me from Him and Hailey.

And Saturday night I had one of those awesome dreams about Hailey that God blesses me with every now and then - this one had God's perfect timing.  In my dream I recalled memories of holding Hailey when she was alive and the memories of the last time I held her body and kissed her cool forehead. And then as I was remembering those memories in my dream, all of a sudden God placed Hailey in my arms. I could only think two things in my dream when that happened. One, God is miraculous and He gave me another miracle in being able to hold her again. Two, she was soooo warm. The warmth of her skin and her body radiated from her and warmed me. It was awesome. And that was all there was to my dream. Very short and simple, but so wonderful. I loved that God gave me that dream the night before Mother's Day. He reminded me that I will hold her again and it will feel even more wonderful than I can imagine.

David spoke these words after his infant child died: "I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 2 Samuel 23

Proud to be Hailey's momma

Happy Mother's Day to Me :)

"You spent 9 months creating a little wonder, spent a little more than one month nurturing a wonder, and will now spend the rest of your life spreading the word about your little wonder."

Not Like You by Sheri Hess (*with editing)
I am a mother, though not like you.
You cradle your sweet baby in your arms,
Mine are empty, but I hold her in my heart.
You brush her soft curly hair,
and tie pretty pink bows just right.
A lock of her hair is tucked neatly in a book
You pick daisies and tie them in a chain
to wear around her neck
I cut lilacs and arrange them in a vase to set at her grave.
You look forward to dreams and plans.
I hold on to memories.
I am a mother, though not like you.

Heartstrings By Judi Walker

A mother’s love knows no bounds,
No stronger bond can be found,
Mother and child are connected from the start,
There is a string from heart to heart.

Nothing can break this heartstring,
No matter what the future may bring,
A mother loves her child forever,
The heartstrings hold them together.

It is a love of the sweetest kind,
There is nothing more beautiful you will ever find,
And even death cannot break this bond,
It knows no earthly ties, it is here and beyond.

We are connected to our children forever by this love,
Even when God calls them to this home above,
Nothing can change this love, not time, nor words or even
Death bitter sting,
We are connected forever by the “HEARTSTRINGS”

Dear Mr. Hallmark Poem

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way,
to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

~Jody Seilheimer

They help me through...

This week has been quite difficult, and as I walk through this journey of grief I find that every day is battle that I must fight. So I can't leave yesterday's 'negative' post up over the weekend because I am feeling better today and need to try to focus on happier things...

Therefore this post is going to be short and sweet and is in honor of my hubby and puppy. They both have provided me with love and comfort during my mess and my tears. I couldn't do this without them. They are wonderful and I love them. They are my family...



Josh - Thank you for your unconditional love, loving me when I'm being impossible to love, picking me up when I'm down (literally sometimes), for listening to me when I need to talk, and hugging me when I need to cry. Thank you for being my best friend and my husband. I love you and I know our daughter is as proud of you as I am. Love, 'the wife'

Opie - Thank you for your unconditional love as well. You are a great companion, when Josh is busy working, our house and my life feel less lonely because I have you with me. You know just how to make me smile when I don't want to - whether it's giving me that circle tail of yours when you see me or you sitting on my lap like you're my other child... you know how to make me happy when I don't know how to do it myself.  Most of all, thank you for always licking my tears away when I cry and giving me snuggles and hugs when I need it most. Love, 'momma'

Dear Mr. Hallmark,I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way,
to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

~Jody Seilheimer

Taken captive by fear; 'why do I doubt?'

(It's a long one, but this one is more for me than for you...)

My mind and my heart are all over the place these days, which has caused me to become scatter-brained and forgetful and make mistakes left and right because I can't focus or think straight. For instance, in the last couple of weeks or so I've placed two orders online and did them incorrectly. I left our back door wide open which allowed Opie to make a quick, easy escape and go play in our neighborhood without my realizing it happened. I wore flip flops to an aerobics dance class. My mind and heart seem lost from me... and so does God.

But first, before I get into that, today it has been 4 months since I held Hailey in my arms and this anniversary of her passing is probably the hardest so far. And that is something I didn't quite expect. I thought it would continue to be 'easier' as time passed, but instead I feel as though I've gone backwards and got stuck...when I had been going forward for so long. This week has proved to be a difficult one and I'm not even through with it yet. But it is difficult in a way I never expected, and I have hit a roadblock in my journey and I am at a standstill. 

Well actually, before I got to the standstill I managed somehow to get lost and end up a mile behind where I was and then reached a standstill. It somewhat feels like I was having a nice, peaceful Sunday drive and then suddenly out of nowhere some unidentified object appeared before me and before I realized it I crashed into it, spun around five times in the direction I had just come from, flew off a cliff, and ended up stuck in a ditch with no way out and it's cold and pouring all around me.  My mind is shocked, what happened? where am I? how did I get here? how do I get out? what do I do now? That is my metaphor for where I am.

I feel stuck.

I feel confused.

I feel lost.

I feel discouraged.

I feel anxious.

I feel worry.


I feel fear most of all.

I search for God who has been carrying me and I can't find him. I know he's there, there's no doubt about that, but I'm lost or separated somehow. He's there, but it's foggy and I can't see him or find him. I'm at the bottom of a dark well and he's at the top, but I can't see him or get to him. Or it's like there's an opaque, thick, unbreakable piece of glass separating us. I can see his shape, but I can't see him clearly and more importantly I can't touch him or reach him. I feel lost from my Shepard. I have wandered away and now I'm trying to find him again.

So here's what's been happening... I think our appointment with the geneticist triggered it. Our appointment went fine, we learned more about Hailey's Trisomy 18 and discussed future pregnancies - it was pretty much a 15 minute conversation and that was all. Kind of a no new news situation. They confirmed Hailey's genetic disorder was completely spontaneous and not a result of what we had or did. They are hopeful that we will have healthy children again, but there is always the risk of something happening and it just so happens that our risk goes up a percent since we already had a child with a genetic disorder, even if it was random, and I am all too well aware of how things can 'spontaneously' go 'wrong' now.

So obviously with that appointment comes a lot of thoughts about our future and trying to have another child. And weeks ago when I started to think about this appointment is when I started getting to this new place I am at. This new place is a result of me thinking about our future and having another baby.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about this topic. At first we were traumatized by what happened with Hailey and in that fear and tragedy, we initially didn't want to have a baby again. But after time passed, we both realized that our family is not done, and we still want to have another child. But beyond that is where my mind and heart go in a million directions and everything becomes foggy and I feel lost.

Let's just say, fear has crippled me, and I have allowed doubt to enter my mind and heart. I have become what I never wanted to become in this journey through grief. This is me being vulnerably honest again. Right now I am not a model of what a Christian should be doing or feeling. So you may wonder why I am even writing about this then... well it's because I need to write down my thoughts and release them from within me... I need to take them captive.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cointhians 10:5

I know many of my thoughts and feelings are not from God, and I need write them and say them in an attempt to take them captive so they don't do further harm to me.  And I am daily fighting against them to find my way back to God, but the fight has been exhausting.

I feel confused because I don't know what to do or where to go next in my life in terms of having a child; therefore, I feel stuck because I don't know my next step and I don't know how to take my next step. This also makes me feel lost. I feel discouraged about having another baby because I only know what it's like to have a unhealthy baby and have a baby die. For me suffering came along with the joy of having a baby and it's hard to get passed that suffering, and I wonder if I have another baby will that baby come along with suffering too. I feel anxious and I worry about having another baby that might be sick or might die. And all of these things make me feel fear most of all.

I want to have another baby, but I am afraid. My worst fear is that  my next baby will die - I will have a miscarriage, a stillbirth, another early infant death. And if my baby doesn't die, I am afraid he/she will have a chromosomal disorder or another serious health issue.

I know these anxieties and fears and what I am doing is wrong and are not from God. God tells me (and these are only a few of the times):

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you.." Deuteronomy 31:6

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid." Psalm 56:3-4

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God." Isaiah 41:10

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

These feelings all rooted in fear are consuming my thoughts almost day in and day out, and I can't break free of fear's grasp on me. I'm to the point where I'm so consumed by everything that I'm drowning in these negative feelings and thoughts, and I am trying to break the surface of the water and gasp out my prayers to God... and the only thing I can manage is help. I don't know what I need. I don't know what's going on. I know I shouldn't be worrying, anxious, afraid, etc. but I can't break free so help me God. Search my thoughts and heart and help me:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26-27

And here is my other problem... I think this is not only the a result of the geneticist appointment and feeling I have to face my future... but it is a result of something I have come to believe over the past couple of months...

I know God can do all things. I know he could have healed Haily. I know he could have healed my dad. But he didn't. He allowed the suffering. And I know that even though he allowed those things and the suffering to happen, that he still loves me and them and he has a greater purpose behind it all. But now I am thinking, he can do anything, but I don't think he will. I know too well now that he allows pain and suffering because that is our world. He can give me another child who is healthy, but I don't think he will. He doesn't have to even if I want it. And that is a dangerous place for my faith. I know he can, but don't think he will. I'm on the edge of unbelief, doubt, and not trusting his perfect will and his sovereignty and so many of his other promises in his word.

This is my line of thinking - if God allows us to get pregnant again, two things can happen - 1. we have a healthy baby and that is God's will and I am happy because that's what I want. 2. we have a baby who either dies or is sick and that is God's will and he will help us all through it. but here's my problem I want to shout at God - I don't want you to bring or allow any more suffering or sick children to come to me even if you can use it for your good, even if you will be there with me helping me and healing me - I don't want it God and... I realize my heart is saying I don't trust you God, I don't believe you know best...

I get angry with verses like these and people talking about these verses who know nothing of tragedy like I do...

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

And I cry out, didn't I delight myself in you Lord? I desired a healthy child and you gave me a sick one.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

I asked for a healthy baby and you didn't give me one. I asked for you to heal my dad and you didn't.

But I prayed for your will to be done and I trust that it has...And coming to terms with the fact that my desires and prayers were not answered and were not God's will is hard. It has led to my lack luster faith. To my mindset that God can, but won't in my life. I'm expecting the worst. I know it can happen and that God allow it. And now my prayers are somewhat empty...which is why I don't know how or what to pray anymore... and just pray help... Holy Spirit pray on my behalf... I realized that this has led me to stop hoping. To stop hoping and believing that God can give me a healthy baby... that he can bring good things to me.

If there is something God is trying to tell me, it's through this verse.

"And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." Matthew 21:22

I am realizing that I have not been believing that God will answer my prayers. I know he can, but I have not been believing he will. I need to believe. I have stopped believing I will or can receive a healthy baby. And that is the last thing I need to do. I need to believe and I need to ask so I can receive in the future. I need to have courage and trust. I need to hope for the best. I am not living how God and Hailey teach me to live. The two words I associate with my daughter are courage (the meaning of her name) and hope (hence naming our project Hailey's Hope)... and I don't have either of those. I don't have courage and I don't have hope.

And this is how I have wandered away from my Shepard. Suddenly I want to play God in my life when it comes to my next child. I want to tell God when it's going to happen and what kind of child I'm going to have. And how foolish am I?? What faith or trust do I have?? NONE.  I think I know more or better than the creator of the universe - who am I kidding?

I have given my life daily to God and prayed that he would take me and use me how he wanted to according to his will.  I knew that if I trusted in him, he would direct my paths.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

And I trusted and gave my life over to him completely without reservation over the course of my life and especially during these past 5 months. And only today am I realizing that I've been trying to take it back and not trusting that he's directing my path. I want another child, and I believe that God wants that too - I just don't know what his plan is, will he give me a dying or sick baby - our risk is so high .... so instead of trusting God like I said I would, I am fearful of being pregnant and am being crippled by that fear. It's harming me, people I love, and my relationship with God. I have lost my childlike, innocent faith, and I need it back.

I have given my life to God to use how he wants... and he's doing it. He is doing it. And now that he is... I stopped. It's not what I expected. It's like he's trying to lead me by the hand into a scary dark tunnel telling me his ways are perfect even if they aren't my ways...but I'm stopped at the entrance and have taken my hand out of his telling him I don't want to go. I am Peter.

Jesus immediately said to *me*: 'Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid.'

"Lord, if it's you," *I* replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." (during my storm of losing Hailey)

"Come," he said.

Then *I* got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. (And that is where I have been for awhile).

But when *I* saw the wind (or the possibility of having another sick child), *I* was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" (this is where I have been for the past few weeks, days...)

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught *me.* "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" (this is where I am today)

Matthew 14:27-31

5 things have become clear to me.

1. My fear is not from God and is trying to drive me away from God, the one who knows what's best for me.

2. I want to have another baby.

3.  At this moment today I am not ready.

4. I am doubting and have little faith.

5. Having another baby is going to be perhaps the biggest LEAP OF FAITH I will have to take in my life.

So here I am... another metaphor...I have wandered to the end of a dock on a foggy, stormy night and have found Jesus standing out on the water in front of me, hand extended, asking me to come to him as we continue this journey together... and in my hesitation and weakness, fear paralyzed me and stopped me in my tracks. And I have been standing there letting the fear eat away at me. But now I have taken my thoughts captive and am fighting back trying to discern the thoughts and feelings of God... I have broken some of fear's chains...and I'm sticking my toe out to touch the water and reaching for His hands...

This is a new part of the journey that I didn't expect yet, and it's here whether I'm ready or not. And I need some faith. I realized, I don't need to be ready 100% to take everything on, I don't need all the answers, I don't need to receive everything I want, my faith doesn't have to be huge... I just need some... a small amount of faith, a small step out to God. I think I can do that.

The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"

He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you." Luke 17:5

 

I'm hoping to win this...

Hope to win this giveaway - need to share on my blog as a step in entering. That is all.

Great Giveaway - Vintage Pearl

$5 to Hailey's Hope with every purchase of this pendant!

Perhaps one of my most treasured pieces of jewelry is this pendant necklace that some of my friends back in IL bought for me so that I could treasure Hailey's footprint forever. It is a miniaturized imprint (in silver) of Hailey's actual footprint from the ink-print on her birth record. I really can't tell you how much I love this necklace. The craftsmanship is wonderful and the pendant and necklace itself are gorgeous.

The woman who created this owns a company called AngelSilver, and she has a shop online with Etsy.com. She asked me for permission to use the images from Hailey's pendant on her website. In return, she will donate $5 for every pendant she sells! Isn't that wonderful?! I am so excited.

Visit her webpage on Etsy that lists this necklace and check it out!

A special thank you to her for offering to do this for Hailey's Hope, and a special thank you to my friend who found this and the rest of my friends who helped make the purchase possible!

More exciting news to share for Hailey's Hope!

I am pleased to announce that another complete stranger whom I've only known from reading her writing and her blogs is so kindly helping Hailey's Hope. Kristen from We are THAT family (dot) com started something special called Do It For Others Project (DIFOP) on her blog - each month she takes on a new project where her and her readers have a chance to do something for others. After reading about her experiences with her own child in a NICU, I went out on a limb and emailed her sharing Hailey's story and about Hailey's Hope, and she has made Hailey's Hope her DIFOP for the month of May!!

Only 2 days into the month of May and there are already so many encouraging comments from her readers I can hardly believe it! Makes my heart warm and fuzzy!

Click here to read and learn more about DIFOP! Click the link for Project 5 on that page and you'll read about us and how Kristen and her readers will be helping Hailey's Hope!

A very special thanks to Kristen and her readers at www.wearethatfamily.com!

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