A Donation and Hailey's Giraffey

Do you know about Hailey's giraffey? I've written about her giraffey before... but just in case, here is a recap:

Giraffey is Hailey's stuffed animal that is a giraffe, of course. I ordered it for her while she was still in my tummy. I saw it online and thought it was the most adorable, most wonderful stuffed animal ever. If one of Hailey's stuffed animals was going to stay with her forever (you know how we all have the cliche blankie or what not - in my case it was a musical stuffed animal that was a horse...still have it 25 years later!), this was going to be the one. And what made it so fabulous, was the scripture verse sewn on it: "Your love O Lord reaches to the heavens. Psalm 36:5." I loved it.



Thankfully, after Hailey was born, when our friends went to our house to grab a few items to bring to Hailey in the hospital, they grabbed her giraffey. We had it with her and took pictures of it with her. Her giraffe was always nearby her once we came home . I often ran her tiny fingers along its soft fabric and read her the verse on it using it to tell her how much God and I love her.

When Hailey passed away, I brought her giraffey with us in the long car ride home to IL. I held it close and smelled it - it was one of the few items that held her baby scent. In the end, her giraffe brought me more  comfort than it brought her. There were many nights surrounding her memorial service where we slept with her giraffey in our bed - a few nights I cuddled to sleep with it as I cried... held it close like I was holding her.

Even now, months later, her giraffey is an item we treasure and probably always will. Every now and then I hold it close to my heart and put my face to its fabric and breathe in - trying to become close to Hailey again...

And the promise in the scripture sewn into the giraffe was one I meant for Hailey to learn and know. Instead, that promise held me up and comforted me after losing Hailey. Even though I was devastated, felt abandoned, wanted to give up, didn't understand God, I had that promise. He loved me through it all, more than I could imagine. And there is no greater comfort than that.

So... that is why Hailey's giraffey is so special to me, and us...and now on to the real purpose of this post!

Well, do you remember awhile back when I told you how I went out on a limb and emailed Holley Gerth, author of the devotional Rain on Me and through our email conversations she agreed to donate copies of her devotional for our Hailey's Hope bags.

She also took it a step further. She works with DaySpring and talked to people in the company, and with her help, DaySpring donated 10 of those giraffes to Hailey's Hope!


I received the package in the mail today! I was afraid I was going to cry, but I didn't. Instead I was beaming as I looked at them all! I am so happy and thankful for DaySpring's generosity and Holley Gerth's help! I know these stuffed animals are going to bring so much comfort and joy to the families receiving them!

A big, heartfelt THANK YOU to DAYSPRING!

Hailey's Hope Update

Hi everyone! I want to take a minute to share what's been going on with Hailey's Hope since the last update.

In the past week and a half we have received 2 monetary donations that will help us purchase 1 and 1/2 bags. Thank you to those people who have given generously to our project! That means we're at about 4 and 1/2 bags - which also means that we're almost 1/4 of the way to our goal of a minimum of 20 bags by June 1st!

Yesterday we received our custom order of gift bag cards, business cards, and thank you cards (our personal investment in the project). They turned out beautifully!

Bitterness is easy

“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky,

are best relieved by the letting of a little water.” ~Antoine Rivarol

Well the other night, the night of my last post, I started deeply missing Hailey. And of course I cried as the dull aching that comes along with the depths of that loneliness and longing for her swept over me. I haven't had that happen in a long time. In fact, I thought to myself as I cried, "It's about time." The flood gates opened back up to release some of the pain and anger and bitterness of unaddressed things in my grief. It felt good to release some tears. Not that missing her and crying ever feels good... but tears really do help heal and eventually bring relief.

(and by the way, when I say that I haven't missed Hailey and cried in a long time, I don't want you to think I haven't missed her or been sad in a long time. Rather, I mean I haven't been to that level in a long time. I miss her every single day (and could cry every single day if I let myself)...but I've come to learn that there almost different depths, levels, kinds of sorrows involved in grief...)

I don't know what triggered the longing and missing and crying. Could have been any of a million things. But if I had to pick something, it would probably be the thoughts and feelings that came up when I wrote my last post.

While I cried, I thought mostly about how much I missed holding her, feeling the weight of her in my arms. And my thoughts wandered to the last time I held her...after she had passed...how different it was holding her than that I thought it would be...And all those memories and feelings of that day came back. (Those are the difficult things that I don't like to think about.) And my mind wandered to other places that I don't like to spend time thinking about... the 'not good' places...the places that can get me in trouble with feelings of guilt and bring me to an unhealthy place...

I've written this before: When we had Hailey, we never knew when she'd pass. We were told that the cause of her death would likely be an infection of some sort that her body wouldn't be able to fight. And she'd probably have a fever and be gone within 24 hours. And when she ran a fever... we never thought anything of it... and I get so mad... why didn't I think anything of it? What made me think she'd be fine? What made me forget?

And I remember everyone asking if she showed any signs of being sick or that anything was wrong... did she look different? behave different? anything? No. I didn't notice anything.

But now...when I look at her pictures... I can see it. I can see when she starts to look unhealthy. When she looks like she's starting to fade. I can see it in the pictures now. And that makes me mad. I hate that. I can barely look at some of those photos that we took in her last couple of days. Why can I see it now, but I couldn't see it then?

It's frustrating. It makes me mad. It makes me feel guilty. I should have known. And I know that these are the things that will ruin me.

In thinking about these things a couple of days ago, I had a deeper understanding of something. It really is so much easier to be angry and bitter about a million things that involve Hailey's loss. It's so easy to be mad. It's so easy to be resentful. It's so easy to feel guilty. Bitterness is easy. And it's dangerous.

I do not want to be angry about anything involving Hailey. And in most days God helps me get my perspective centered on Him and allows me to get it right. But that takes effort. It's hard dealing with all those ugly feelings and those thoughts. It's not wrong to feel those things or think those things. But it's wrong if I live in them and dwell on them and become bitter. The easy way is the destructive way.

Instead, I am choosing to 'survive' and rise above the regrets, the guilt, the anger. And it's hard. It's a daily battle. But it's worth it. I've seen the rewards of the fight. The forgiveness. The hope. The peace. The joy. The strength. The love. And it's worth fighting for. But it's still hard.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger...Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. ~Ephesians 4:31-32

Is there anything that you are angry or bitter about? The death of a loved one? A divorce? Feeling cheated or betrayed by a friend, a co-worker? What is it? I dare you to identify it and own it. And more importantly, to rise above it.

...when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive...

I've heard this song many times before. But today was the first day I took the time to listen to the words Natalie Grant sings...and in doing so I discovered my heart crying out to each word as I realized how deeply this song speaks to me and of me. Would you take the time to listen to this song and the lyrics behind it?



And I have a confession. Another one.

I have admitted my angry moments with God. I have admitted my jealousy towards other women who are blessed with healthy babies and happy families. I have admitted the pain and hurt I feel at times when confronted with one of these women at the store, at the gym, on Facebook, etc. But I have been holding something inside since the day I learned Hailey was sick and not going to...could not... survive. And I haven't acknowledged it for what it is... I've called it by other names...all the while dancing around the core of what it is I am actually feeling...unknowingly I have done this.

Yesterday in one of my devotionals, I read about anger during the storm. And it talked more in depth about anger than I had ever thought about before. Angry at God - sure who hasn't been? Angry at another person - sure who hasn't been? Angry with myself - of course! But when I began looking at where the anger is at in my grief, I discovered something I am really angry about.

I am angry with every pregnant woman I see. I am angry with most new moms holding their babies that I see. I may try to deny it because I don't want to be angry ... because I think it's wrong that I'm angry... so I may call it something else, like jealousy or hurt or something. But I'm avoiding what it is. So I just need to claim it.

I am angry.

And I am sorry if you are one of those women I am angry with. I know I have no right to be angry with you. None of this is your fault. Nothing you did made me lose Hailey so you could keep your baby. I know that.  But nonetheless, my anger is there.

I was angry being wheeled out of the hospital after giving birth to Hailey without my baby in my arms. I was angry when I came home the next day to grab some items for our stay in Birmingham while Hailey was fighting for her life in the NICU and our next door neighbors had cars in the driveway with blue balloons and "Congratulations! It's a boy!" signs plastered all over their house. I was angry that our neighbor was at home with her baby celebrating with friends and family and I wasn't. I was angry this week when I viewed the pictures of the birth of an acquaintance's child - angry that they had happy pictures from the day their child was born. I am constantly angry when I see or know of someone who is pregnant or has a healthy baby when they clearly don't deserve it in my judgmental eyes - it was an accident, it wasn't wanted, they're smoking, they're obese, they're swearing a mile a minute...and so on... angry that they receive the blessing of a healthy child...and I didn't.

It makes me mad. Furious. And at THEM. Not so much at God at this point in my journey - but THEM. Mothers who get to be all that I wanted to be with their unborn or newly born child. I am mad they get to keep their babies and I didn't get to keep mine.

So this is me being honest with myself...and with you. I need to address it and confess it for my well being. If I didn't, I know that those seeds of anger I have - that I didn't ask for - that I don't want - but that I have - I know that they will grow into bitterness, and if there is anything I do not want to be, it is a bitter, angry person. So hopefully in confessing it, it will help me deal with it in a healthy way... but this is a journey and I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of that anger.

The beautiful thing about this all is the same thing that is expressed in this song and YouTube video.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

That my God continually rescues me in this storm of losing Hailey and that includes rescuing me from anger and bitterness.

He may allow the storm to come...but he is holding his hand out for me asking me to join him...like he did with Peter. And if I allow him to hold me and rescue me...these truths in this famous Psalm (23) apply to me.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.