She would have been 2 today...

(I'm writing this the day before, but will be posting on Hailey's 2nd birthday.)

Hailey...

Where do I start?

First with some lyrics the post title reminds me of... (from Building 429 who the lead singer of also happens to be our worship leader at church)
I was standing in the pour raining
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said *she would have been *two today
I miss *her smile, I miss *her face
What was I supposed to say
But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Wow that song is more than perfect...Thank you for those words Lord.

Anyway...

I haven't written about her... or anything... in a long time. Mostly because I find myself extremely busy taking care of her brother Isaac and with the other aspects of "real" life. However, there are times I write about her. In fact I've written about her twice this month with intentions to post it, only having read it the next day and finding myself unable to bring myself to do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a broken record when writing and talking about her, generally saying the same thing again and again...Sometimes what I write is the inner, deepest, most secret, painful places of my heart that I often only gift light to when I write... but those places are painful and hard... and I've written plenty of posts that are heart-wrenching... and to be honest, I'm not sure I can share that pain anymore. I can't pinpoint why. The pain is real. I'm not trying to hide it even years later. But for someone reason it's harder to share. And maybe it's because I don't have the time to devote to writing that my feelings and thoughts deserve.

That's not to be mistaken for me not wanting to share about Hailey or my experience. Oh no. I still have a desire and need to talk about her and keep her memory alive every day. But to explore and share those inner parts of myself related to her is just not something I can fully do anymore. I may after the new year officially take a break from "her" blog for an indefinite period of time... I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, here I am writing about my daughter on the eve of what would have been her 2nd birthday. And as always, I don't know where to begin and I don't want to be a broken record. By now, I've shared her birth story on here over and over, I've shared the experience and my feelings, and the trauma and the joy and the broken dreams and the love and everything in between. It's nothing new. But at the same time, it's her story. It's my story. And I need to remember it and share it.

I'll start with one of "those" posts I wrote last week but never actually posted:

Okay... Anyway, I will share this one post I wrote last week...

 In the quiet of the night I think of you. Often I'm lost in the busyness of the day but even then there are often reminders of you .. But not enough.

It's a little less than a week until your birthday and you are on my mind a lot more throughout my days.

I'm stopping and slowing life down so I can take the proper time to remember you.

They say time heals all wounds but I disagree. Sure life has moved on and my mind and heart are distracted by the here and now...
But the more time passes the less time I devote to truly sit and think of you and linger in my memories and feel...

Today I took the time to stop and tonight I do to and it's heart wrenching..... The wounds are fresh not healed... Never fully healed...

We finally took the boxes of the things we'd saved of yours... That you used and some that we hoped you'd use but never did... We're finally getting rid of them... And while that all initially happened this afternoon, unexpectedly to be honest... I felt myself living on the surface pushing the tears back before they even knew they were supposed to come...

But no. I must stop doing that, I need to feel.

I went through the boxes just to make sure there wasn't anything of yours I wanted to keep... I'm glad I did...

I found your two pink gowns we had for you that you wore in the hospital. The one with the stripes you wore on your one week birthday and looked so adorable in... I looked at it and touched it and could almost smell your sweet birthday cake...

And you know what, my heart broke and I wanted to cry but instead of holding it in I cried. I often don't allow myself to stop and feel anymore because it's hard... But I had to remind myself of who you were to me and the significance of what we went through together.

You were my baby girl. You wore these outfits my fingers are touching... It brings me so close to you again but reminds of how far away you are... And so I cried.

I know you are in Heaven, I know I will see you again one day... But for now it hurts really bad and sometimes I need to take time to sit and think of you and just cry...,

And as I write this I cry and I weep and my chest is tight and my shoulders shake and I can barely see through my tears to write...

I miss you baby girl. I wish I could remember you better... I hate that my memories are fuzzy...

So that's all for now my munchkin... Mommy needs to start this week before your second Birthday by allowing myself to feel my emotions and so it's starting with grief...

Two years later and it's the same struggles... And on the eve of her 2nd birthday, my heart is full of the painful memories of her birth and the struggles of the present.

How do I let go but hold on? How do I grieve her? How do I remember her? Why can't I remember anymore? Why do I talk mechanically about her and force away tears that are desperate to fall? Why do I treat "it all" like it was/ is no big deal? How do I live while a part of me has died?

There are so many sources of frustration... new sources of sorrow as time passes... time will never heal those things... life just gets in the way... and God helps give me tools to get through...

I apologize right now for the jumbled nature of this post... There are so many thoughts and feelings about her... Not enough space or time for them all to be adequately shared...

Here's where I am... Kind of if I can articulate it at all, but words are really failing me today.

Tomorrow my daughter would have turned two. This year I'm having a hard time focusing on the love and joy and celebration of her life (even though that's somewhat of a given), but instead I'm finding myself filled with sorrow for what could have been but isn't.

Going through her boxes reminded me of what we hoped for that didn't happen. The clothes meant for older babies she never wore. The toys meant for her to play with but she never could. And so on... As I see and watch Isaac grow, I'm reminded on what I missed out on with her...  And see, I almost can't write this because I already want to weep...

This may seem really odd and out of place, but I'm reminded of a scene from the  Breaking Dawn movie where the audience "sees" what Jacob "sees" when he imprints on a baby girl...  I long to be him in that moment. I have such a struggle with only knowing Hailey for 36 days... wondering what her smile would have looked like, what her laugh would have sounded like, what she would be like on her 2nd birthday. I think about what she would have looked like as a bride in a white gown... But I can't picture any of these things... I don't know what she would have looked... Would she have looked more like me or more like my husband? Who is/ was she? And there's the struggle of "grieving the child I [knew but] never knew"... So I long to have a moment like Jacob... where seeing a baby he sees all of her, even when she's twenty... But in some ways, I wonder if that scene will be something like I will experience in heaven.. I know odd right, talking about Breaking Dawn and heaven... But I often wonder how I'll know her in heaven... What will she look like? I imagine her being a little girl with long flowing brown hair... But I don't know what she'll look like, but I know I'll know her. So I wonder if I will have a moment like in his vision...

And on her birthday, my imagination will probably create something like that in my mind... Trying to picture as a healthy child, beautiful, running through fields of wildflowers, playing in a stream, giggling, and so on... Maybe that's my birthday gift to her... imagining what I hope to experience one day with her.

~ ~ ~ ~

My Dearest Hailey,

Happy Birthday baby girl. You came into our lives two years ago, but, for now, will always be 5 weeks old in our eyes. For now that time seems much too brief, but one day we will have an eternity to spend with you. We miss you for now, and we long for the day when Jesus reunites us with you in Heaven. It's my prayer that God sends along this birthday message to you as well as all my other loving thoughts and feelings toward you. I pray he shares with you a smile, a kiss, and a long warm embrace on my behalf. For now I imagine you and see you in my dreams, those are far better sometimes than the painful memories of your life when you were sick and hurting. I'm so thankful for the wonderful hope I have that Jesus makes possible that one day everything will be wonderful again. We love you so much and always will. Happy Birthday my beautiful baby girl. Mommy is so proud of you and loves you so much. Words will always fail to capture the depths of my feelings for you, but I know you know.

Love you always and forever,

Your Momma

 

~ ~ ~ ~

So what are we doing on her birthday tomorrow?

A part of me desperately desires to visit her at her grave...  I'd loved to have visited her. Spent some time in prayer by her and before the Lord. Left her with a pink rose and butterfly balloon.

To "celebrate" and remember her 2nd birthday tomorrow, but unfortunately that's impossible since we're separated by miles. So instead, I'm doing the best thing I can think to do on her birthday. Visit another place that brings her back to me... unfortunately it wasn't the happiest of times spent there... but it's a place that connects us nonetheless.

So tomorrow, my husband and I along with Hailey's brother are driving down to Birmingham, AL to donate care packages from Hailey's Hope to Hailey's NICU to help other families who are in our shoes two years ago. We're donating 36 packages (one for each day of her life). It's about a 3-4 hour drive... First long trip with Isaac... A lot of time to remember and think which is good and bad in some ways... We'll drive there, drop the packages off, probably walk around the hospital (won't go in the NICU due to hospital policy), but probably walk by it... (this all has potential to bring up painful memories and tears, but that's okay, I am letting myself cry tomorrow and not allowing myself to put up barriers)... This year will be different than last year's birthday delivery. This year my husband will be with and of course our son. I know we'll be telling and showing Isaac things related to his sister... And while I want to do that and will do that... It's heartbreaking that this is our life... that he has a sister but doesn't...   Anyway, most likely after our visit to the hospital we'll grab something to eat and then head back home for the 3-4 hour drive... It's going to be a long day, but I pray it's everything it needs to be for our family.

.... Happy Birthday baby girl...

Isaac, 3 Months

Yesterday Isaac turned 3 months old. Here is my little blurb of an update about him this past month (pardon any typos - wrote it on my phone and don't have much time to correct :P )

This month Isaac is growing into a little man. He has mastered what I call the Kung Fu baby grip. He's been not only reaching for toys and objects but he's holding on to them, pulling them toward his mouth, and chewing them. Also Speaking of his mouth he can't keep his hands out of it! He loves sucking and chewing on his thumbs, fingers, and whole fists. I'm wondering if he's teething as he is also producing massive amounts of drool comparable to his K9 companion. He's getting better at tummy time but still needs lots of work and practice. He enjoys it when I lay on my back and put him with his tummy to my shins and I lift him horizontally in the air. In fact I got his first true laugh this way a couple of weeks ago. Which brings me to my next point that he has been so vocal and smiley this month. He loves to talk and does a lot of it. His laughs come out mostly as little coughs or screeches. I love it all. I also love how much his sleep has improved. I transitioned him to napping in his bassinet in his room during the day, then to his crib during the day, and now he sleeps in his crib during the day and his bassinet in his room at night. He's fallen into a 3hr routine of eat, play, sleep pretty naturally with a little guidance from me. He started sleeping 3hrs at a time at night and had a couple 4 or 5 hr stretches here and there. Last week I officially declared he slept through the night when he slept from 11p to 5am! This month he also had a drs appt where he weighed in at just under 13lbs and is 24.5in tall. He's also gaining more and more muscle strength and control of his body - he may have rolled out of his inclined chair a time or two, he rolls onto his side a lot trying to get his hands in his mouth, and he has in general become a wiggle worm so he now definitely gets buckled into everything and we hold on extra tight to him. He's growing up so fast! I love him so much!

Babies

This week I have been inundated with babies. People having them, people being pregnant and just sharing the news - it's pure wonderful baby craziness and I thank God he has blessed me with Isaac otherwise I know this time would be a little hard as it was after losing Hailey and being around pregnant women and babies....

Yet this is hard in a new way I'm finding. It seems "everyone" in my life is getting pregnant or having their 2nd baby in this current season of my life. I suddenly find thoughts popping into my head like "oh how wonderful... I want a second baby too" and then I catch myself. I already had my second baby. Isaac is my second baby. I am actually ahead of my "crowd" with second babies.... But the only thing is I have one baby to show for it, as horrible as it sounds.

I always wanted two babies ... And I had two babies... Only I don't. Instead of growing up a little brother, Isaac will grow up an only child as it is right now. And so it's strange this new place I'm at... Frustrated and sad that Isaac's my second baby but feels like my first and is my first in so many ways... Sad that Hailey has no place in our current life or future with our family...

But I am also reminded that even though it may seem that "everyone" is pregnant again, "everyone" really isn't... Life is still fragile. Babies are still miracles. And I'm reminded of friends suffering through miscarriages and infertility right now. Getting pregnant, having a healthy baby, it's not as easy or as common as it may seem sometimes.

(And please no comments about us and our family's future in terms of children. First, we have not crossed that threshold yet nor are we in anyway prepared to go there. This is simply my reflection on my current situation. Second, having another child does not replace the point of this post which is about the void that is left after burying our first child - nothing replaces that child.)

Isaac 2 Months (a little late)...

So I missed my post about Isaac at 2 months old... A couple of weeks late... But better late than never!

Isaac has grown into his 3 mo and 3-6 mo size clothes in fact right now he's wearing a 6 mo outfit and I had to retire the 3 mo outfit he had on last night. We held him up to his growth chart and it says he's 24 inches! He is growing so big so fast!

He's doing really well at holding his head up on his own. He's working on his tummy time but finds it very frustrating. We bought him a bumbo off craigslist and he's sat in it a few times.

Mostly he likes to coo and talk and smile and giggle. I love that we can smile at him and make him giggle. It's the best. He truly lives up to his name! He is a joy and is guaranteed to make me smile and laugh even when I'm frustrated. When he's not laughing and talking he's busy eating his hands and sucking his thumb. He's so cute.

He still struggles with sleep and being soothed once he gets fussy, but he's definitely a much happier baby now that we've figured out most of his food sensitivities. This past week he slept like a dream but not this weekend! But for the most part he's fallen into a 3 hr routine of eat, play, sleep.

This week he gave me a heart attack when he rolled himself off his little inclined chair and face planted onto our bed, but he didn't seem to mind at all. As he gains more awareness of his body, he rubs and scratches his face a ton when he's sleepy which of course just keeps him awake.  He makes more and more eye contact and is definitely starting to follow us and recognize faces and gets a little scared or unsure about new faces.

That's about it for now! Need to wrap this up before the little monster wakes up!