Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2
As most of you know, my husband and I chose to keep our son's name a secret during our pregnancy. Mostly I wanted to wait to reveal his name once he was born because of our experience sharing our daughter's name. With her I learned that everyone feels welcome to give his/her opinion and inclined to comment on the name choice even if they don't like it. Unfortunately when we told people we were naming our daughter Hailey, we had several of them tell us in their own words that they didn't like her name, which offended and hurt me because I took it very personally. Therefore, this time I wanted to wait to reveal our baby boy's name until after he was born to avoid this since most negative comments and opinions go unmentioned for some odd reason once the baby has arrived.
Now that our son's name, Isaac Ryan, has been officially released, I want to share how this came to be his name.
I knew from the very beginning, or maybe even before the beginning, that I wanted his name to be a Biblical and meaningful name. Initially I liked the name Luke - my husband preferred Lucas, but I also began to think creatively about our family's first initials: H (our daughter), J (my husband), and K (myself) - realizing if we had a son's name beginning with the letter "I" then we would have H, I, J, K - get it? We'd all be right next to each other in the alphabet. From there I needed to come up with some Biblical "I" names. Initially Isaiah came up, which I liked but didn't seem fitting for our baby boy, and of course Isaac came up, but I too felt unsure about it since it wasn't a name that would have come up had I not wanted to make it fit my criteria.
Around this time we were part of a Bible study that was studying the story of Abraham and Isaac - one that I was vaguely familiar with but had never read or studied before. As we read through Genesis 22 and became familiar with the earlier parts of Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac's story in chapters 17-18, I became intrigued by the meaning of the name Isaac and a deep connection to their story.
First, considering Isaac was one of the names we'd been thinking about I was happy to learn that the Hebrew meaning of it is "laughter" or "he will laugh," which in chapter 21 of Genesis can be associated with a laughter resulting from joy. I thought that is a lovely meaning for a name.
But more importantly I related to both Sarah and Abraham to some extent. Here they were being told by the Lord that they would have a son when everything else (primarily being infertile due to old age) was saying it was impossible, and in fact Sarah first laughs in disbelief almost as though she thinks sarcastically to herself, "Yeah right God, that's not possible." In my case, I was given enough reason to believe we might not be able to have a healthy baby. I can't remember what our initial odds were to have a baby with Trisomy 18 - something like 1 in 3,000 or 6,000 - something very small, but once we did have one child with a Trisomy the chances of our next child having a Trisomy increased to 1 in 99 which to me were frightening odds. While my situation may not have seemed all that impossible compared to Abraham and Sarah's, I nonetheless felt at times that it would be impossible for me to have a healthy baby.
Of course God did fulfill his promise to Abraham, and Sarah gave birth to Isaac. Again the Bible records Sarah laughing, but this time her laughter stems from joy at the birth of her son and God keeping his word to do something she thought would never happen. While God did not promise me a healthy baby, I did feel him telling my heart we would have another child, and I would just need to trust him on the details. God even allowed me to envision this child, and I could imagine a healthy little boy running around our house (which is also why I guessed our baby was a boy once we did get pregnant). For some reason I wasn't able to envision Hailey in the same way so it gave me hope that our next pregnancy and baby would be different and healthy. And even if that was just me and not a God thing, reading about Sarah and Isaac gave me hope. I longed to give birth to a healthy son and laugh with joy over God's miracle like Sarah.
But back to Genesis 22 where this all started for me. God calls upon Abraham to trust him and asks him to make a sacrifice. In case you don't know the story, God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham obeyed, but thankfully before he could kill Isaac, God intervened, saving Isaac. Abraham demonstrated his trust and a faithful obedience to the Lord; he showed God that he would not withhold anything from him, not even his own child, that he was willing to give God everything. After reading this, which again happened while I was a few months pregnant with my own son and struggling because of what happened with Hailey, I realized I was having a hard time trusting God and was withholding my trust when it came to my son. I wanted to be able to have a faith like Abraham's, but more importantly, I saw this pregnancy as my opportunity to show God I trusted hum whether he called me to 'sacrifice' my son to a lethal chromosomal disorder again or whether he would 'save' my son from it. Of curse, I hoped God would spare my son like he spared Isaac in the Bible.
After learning about the Biblical Isaac's life and the Hebrew meaning of his name, it became pretty clear that Isaac would be quite fitting for our baby boy's name. Of course the real test came from practicing the name on our baby boy, and when we did it felt completely right, almost as though God had chosen this name for our son. Isaac was really never one of my favorite baby boy names, but God made it clear that this was to be his name, and I have come to love it.
Out of all the history behind Isaac's name, I do still love it's meaning because our Isaac has certainly lived up to it; he has made me laugh with joy for the miracle that he is. And I pray that our Isaac will have a long life and continue our family tree (something I had once feared may never happen), just as was true with Isaac in the Bible.
"I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed,because you have obeyed me.” Gen. 22:17
(Oh and I can't forget to mention that our Isaac shares his middle name with his daddy's middle name, like Hailey had my middle name for hers.)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Isaac Ryan's Birth Story
Finally the post you (I) have been waiting for!
Our baby boy, Isaac Ryan, arrived at 2:38am on Sunday, August 7, 2011 (I was 40 weeks 3 days along) weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces and measuring 20 and a half inches long! He is beautiful and healthy and perfect in every way!
He and his birth were wrapped in prayer since day one, and it has been amazing to see how God has answered so many of those prayers and most of all to see my wildest dreams about Isaac's arrival turn out to be what God had planned as well. (Thank you Jesus!)
Of course the only thing I can compare my experience with Isaac to is my experience with Hailey, and I don't think there are enough words to explain how different my two experiences have been. There are numerous times throughout my day every day since Isaac has arrived where I wonder if this is really my reality, where things feel too good to be true, where things are better than I even had dreamed or imagined. I never knew "this" side of having a baby... I never knew things could be "this" good... this perfect... this joyful... But they are.
So let me tell you about his birth story...
In last couple of weeks of my pregnancy I began to have noticeable Braxton-Hicks contractions. At my 38 week appointment with my midwife I was 2cm dilated and 75 percent effaced. Unfortunately, at my 39 and 40 week appointment things were the same. And so my due date came and went. Since the appointment where I found out my body was beginning to make the changes it would need to deliver Isaac, I began, with my midwife's consent, to try a variety to natural ways to induce labor: evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, walking, and more. At 40 weeks my midwife told me we would wait another week and see how things were progressing at 41 weeks if I still hadn't had Isaac. Thankfully this was possible because both Isaac and I were doing quite well.
Isaac's due date was Wednesday, August 3rd. By Friday, August 5th my Braxton-Hicks were getting more and more noticeable, so much so that at one point Friday evening they were becoming regular although not more intense. I began to hope and pray that real labor was not too far away. Saturday morning around 5:45am I woke up from a mildly painful contraction and began timing how far apart they were coming. They almost seemed regular for about an hour but not quite and just at the one hour mark when I was ready to call my midwife and update her on my contractions, they began to go away. But I hopped in the shower bright and early anyway in preparation that things might change. Once they seemed to disappear, I went back to sleep and managed to get a couple of more hours of shut eye late in the morning.
Throughout the day Saturday my contractions came and went irregularly and varying in degrees of pain. Clearly hoping this was my body going through the early stage of labor, I continued to try all methods of helping induce labor, so we went out and grabbed me some eggplant Parmesan for lunch. Around 7pm my contractions came back, more painful, and more regular. I timed them for an hour, and they were coming every 2-6 minutes and after an hour they were continuing. So I called my midwife and then my husband and let them know we were going to labor and delivery to get checked out (since we had a 45 minute drive ahead of us to get to the hospital).
Once we were in the car on our way to the hospital my contractions slowly began to, I thought, disappear again - they slowed to about 10 minutes between contractions - at that point I was afraid that I was having false labor or would go to labor and delivery and they would tell me to go back home. Thankfully, by the time we arrived and checked in, the contractions were back and growing stronger and stronger. When the midwife on call was finally able to come check me around 10pm I was shocked when she told me I was 6cm dilated - for only really having felt my contractions for about 2 or 3 hours (and not having them be painful really) that was wonderful news to my ears!
From there we waited for my room to open. I was so delighted when they offered me their one room with a tub for laboring in! Usually it's in use or there's a waiting list for it! But I got it! So of course once we were able to get into my room we started the bath right away. At this point it was about 11pm and the bath was starting, my husband and I walked out to the parking garage to grab our belongings (my choice to walk around in hopes of speeding things up) and we had permission to walk around until midnight. It was so funny to be 6cm dilated and having fairly intense contractions and be walking around the hospital and outside. It was a sense of freedom I had not during my labor with Hailey. It was amazing! At this point I'm not sure how frequent my contractions were, but they were coming fairly frequently and were fairly painful, but not bad. Around midnight I went into the bath and it felt amazing on my muscles and definitely made the contractions seem less intense. The best was having my husband aim the hose on my lower back during a contraction - it felt so good! At one point while I was in labor in the tub I was laughing and telling my husband how fun this labor actually was. Seriously, I was having fun in labor! It was crazy but true!
I could have stayed in the tub forever, but I was getting pruney and it was irritating me so I got out. My midwife checked me again around 1am and I was dilated to 8cm. My contractions were pretty frequent and painful at this point, but so far I was managing them well and not even really making any noises. A contraction would come, I would get into a position that seemed least painful, usually standing up, bending over, and using my arms to support me on a chair. At this point I wouldn't want anyone to talk to me or touch me, I just kind of would get into a zone, focus on my breathing, and let it pass. Eventually with the pain kicking up, I went into the shower so I could have hot water aimed on my lower back again, which again felt so good.
Around 1:30am the contractions seemed to be reaching their peak intensity and were quite painful. Thankfully they were nothing near as horrifying or as painful as they were when I was laboring naturally with Hailey under the awful affects of pitocin. At that point we were just waiting for me to get the urge to "bare down." My water still had not broken and my midwife explained it probably wouldn't until I started pushing (something about the position of my cervix and baby's head and there being no fluid in between. Somewhere around 2am I began pushing. Surprisingly pushing felt so good. My midwife had many wonderful suggestions for different positions for me to try when pushing. I'm not sure at what point but my water did eventually break while I was pushing. Again, surprisingly, my contractions were giving me a break that allowed me to rest between pushing sessions. I felt much more exhausted than I did in pain, which again was surprising to me. As he began to make it further and further down the birth canal and was getting to close to crowning, obviously the pain was pretty intense - but nothing like it was with Hailey (and I wasn't screaming bloody murder like I was then either - which was a relief to everyone in the room I'm sure). Thankfully, everyone's encouragement in the room really helped motivate me to keep pushing. I've never done something so hard in my life - talk about a full body work out!
The rest is pretty much history... Isaac finally arrived at 2:38am after what was really a fairly short labor and short amount of pushing. Immediately he was placed on my chest (like I'd wanted and had wanted with Hailey but didn't get). His cry and the fact they placed him on me reassured me that he was okay, although I asked countless times if he was okay, if he was healthy, and so on, not believing it. I held him and stared at him and kissed him and told him over and over again that I loved him. Shortly after, Josh was able to cut his umbilical cord (again, something I'd wanted and had wanted with Hailey but didn't get). And the next hour or so was spent bonding with Isaac on my chest. I didn't have anyone try to take him from me. Time slowed down, and it was just us and our new family, and it was wonderful. Eventually they took him to weigh and measure him - 8lbs 3 oz, 20.5 inches much bigger than we'd anticipated he'd be!
Everything about his birth was better than I could have imagined or asked. I was able to deliver him vaginally and naturally. It wasn't nearly as painful as it was when I was induced with Hailey and trying to go naturally. In fact it still amazes me how it didn't seem that painful at all, that at one point I said it was fun, and that not only was I able to do it all naturally, but that all the estimates of his size were around 6.5 lbs - not over 8lbs! I have to say, I am a little proud of myself that I delivered an 8lb 3oz baby naturally and almost enjoyed it! Of course it was the most demanding physical act I've ever done, but still, it was a wonderful experience.
Thank you so much for praying for my labor and delivery with Isaac. I'm so thankful God answered them by indeed giving me a birth experience that gave me everything I wanted and more. Most of all, I am so thankful to have a healthy baby at home. We are so in love. :)
(Side note/ soapbox moment - I encourage everyone to try to deliver naturally if they have the option. You don't need the meds and if I can do it, you can do it! And everyone should watch the documentary The Business of Being Born - I don't necessarily agree with everything in the movie but it gives a perspective on childbirth that isn't given enough. Just because so many women are giving epidurals and other medicinal pain relieving options doesn't mean they're safe or what's best for mom or more importantly baby.)
Our baby boy, Isaac Ryan, arrived at 2:38am on Sunday, August 7, 2011 (I was 40 weeks 3 days along) weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces and measuring 20 and a half inches long! He is beautiful and healthy and perfect in every way!
He and his birth were wrapped in prayer since day one, and it has been amazing to see how God has answered so many of those prayers and most of all to see my wildest dreams about Isaac's arrival turn out to be what God had planned as well. (Thank you Jesus!)
Of course the only thing I can compare my experience with Isaac to is my experience with Hailey, and I don't think there are enough words to explain how different my two experiences have been. There are numerous times throughout my day every day since Isaac has arrived where I wonder if this is really my reality, where things feel too good to be true, where things are better than I even had dreamed or imagined. I never knew "this" side of having a baby... I never knew things could be "this" good... this perfect... this joyful... But they are.
So let me tell you about his birth story...
In last couple of weeks of my pregnancy I began to have noticeable Braxton-Hicks contractions. At my 38 week appointment with my midwife I was 2cm dilated and 75 percent effaced. Unfortunately, at my 39 and 40 week appointment things were the same. And so my due date came and went. Since the appointment where I found out my body was beginning to make the changes it would need to deliver Isaac, I began, with my midwife's consent, to try a variety to natural ways to induce labor: evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, walking, and more. At 40 weeks my midwife told me we would wait another week and see how things were progressing at 41 weeks if I still hadn't had Isaac. Thankfully this was possible because both Isaac and I were doing quite well.
Isaac's due date was Wednesday, August 3rd. By Friday, August 5th my Braxton-Hicks were getting more and more noticeable, so much so that at one point Friday evening they were becoming regular although not more intense. I began to hope and pray that real labor was not too far away. Saturday morning around 5:45am I woke up from a mildly painful contraction and began timing how far apart they were coming. They almost seemed regular for about an hour but not quite and just at the one hour mark when I was ready to call my midwife and update her on my contractions, they began to go away. But I hopped in the shower bright and early anyway in preparation that things might change. Once they seemed to disappear, I went back to sleep and managed to get a couple of more hours of shut eye late in the morning.
Throughout the day Saturday my contractions came and went irregularly and varying in degrees of pain. Clearly hoping this was my body going through the early stage of labor, I continued to try all methods of helping induce labor, so we went out and grabbed me some eggplant Parmesan for lunch. Around 7pm my contractions came back, more painful, and more regular. I timed them for an hour, and they were coming every 2-6 minutes and after an hour they were continuing. So I called my midwife and then my husband and let them know we were going to labor and delivery to get checked out (since we had a 45 minute drive ahead of us to get to the hospital).
Once we were in the car on our way to the hospital my contractions slowly began to, I thought, disappear again - they slowed to about 10 minutes between contractions - at that point I was afraid that I was having false labor or would go to labor and delivery and they would tell me to go back home. Thankfully, by the time we arrived and checked in, the contractions were back and growing stronger and stronger. When the midwife on call was finally able to come check me around 10pm I was shocked when she told me I was 6cm dilated - for only really having felt my contractions for about 2 or 3 hours (and not having them be painful really) that was wonderful news to my ears!
From there we waited for my room to open. I was so delighted when they offered me their one room with a tub for laboring in! Usually it's in use or there's a waiting list for it! But I got it! So of course once we were able to get into my room we started the bath right away. At this point it was about 11pm and the bath was starting, my husband and I walked out to the parking garage to grab our belongings (my choice to walk around in hopes of speeding things up) and we had permission to walk around until midnight. It was so funny to be 6cm dilated and having fairly intense contractions and be walking around the hospital and outside. It was a sense of freedom I had not during my labor with Hailey. It was amazing! At this point I'm not sure how frequent my contractions were, but they were coming fairly frequently and were fairly painful, but not bad. Around midnight I went into the bath and it felt amazing on my muscles and definitely made the contractions seem less intense. The best was having my husband aim the hose on my lower back during a contraction - it felt so good! At one point while I was in labor in the tub I was laughing and telling my husband how fun this labor actually was. Seriously, I was having fun in labor! It was crazy but true!
I could have stayed in the tub forever, but I was getting pruney and it was irritating me so I got out. My midwife checked me again around 1am and I was dilated to 8cm. My contractions were pretty frequent and painful at this point, but so far I was managing them well and not even really making any noises. A contraction would come, I would get into a position that seemed least painful, usually standing up, bending over, and using my arms to support me on a chair. At this point I wouldn't want anyone to talk to me or touch me, I just kind of would get into a zone, focus on my breathing, and let it pass. Eventually with the pain kicking up, I went into the shower so I could have hot water aimed on my lower back again, which again felt so good.
Around 1:30am the contractions seemed to be reaching their peak intensity and were quite painful. Thankfully they were nothing near as horrifying or as painful as they were when I was laboring naturally with Hailey under the awful affects of pitocin. At that point we were just waiting for me to get the urge to "bare down." My water still had not broken and my midwife explained it probably wouldn't until I started pushing (something about the position of my cervix and baby's head and there being no fluid in between. Somewhere around 2am I began pushing. Surprisingly pushing felt so good. My midwife had many wonderful suggestions for different positions for me to try when pushing. I'm not sure at what point but my water did eventually break while I was pushing. Again, surprisingly, my contractions were giving me a break that allowed me to rest between pushing sessions. I felt much more exhausted than I did in pain, which again was surprising to me. As he began to make it further and further down the birth canal and was getting to close to crowning, obviously the pain was pretty intense - but nothing like it was with Hailey (and I wasn't screaming bloody murder like I was then either - which was a relief to everyone in the room I'm sure). Thankfully, everyone's encouragement in the room really helped motivate me to keep pushing. I've never done something so hard in my life - talk about a full body work out!
The rest is pretty much history... Isaac finally arrived at 2:38am after what was really a fairly short labor and short amount of pushing. Immediately he was placed on my chest (like I'd wanted and had wanted with Hailey but didn't get). His cry and the fact they placed him on me reassured me that he was okay, although I asked countless times if he was okay, if he was healthy, and so on, not believing it. I held him and stared at him and kissed him and told him over and over again that I loved him. Shortly after, Josh was able to cut his umbilical cord (again, something I'd wanted and had wanted with Hailey but didn't get). And the next hour or so was spent bonding with Isaac on my chest. I didn't have anyone try to take him from me. Time slowed down, and it was just us and our new family, and it was wonderful. Eventually they took him to weigh and measure him - 8lbs 3 oz, 20.5 inches much bigger than we'd anticipated he'd be!
Everything about his birth was better than I could have imagined or asked. I was able to deliver him vaginally and naturally. It wasn't nearly as painful as it was when I was induced with Hailey and trying to go naturally. In fact it still amazes me how it didn't seem that painful at all, that at one point I said it was fun, and that not only was I able to do it all naturally, but that all the estimates of his size were around 6.5 lbs - not over 8lbs! I have to say, I am a little proud of myself that I delivered an 8lb 3oz baby naturally and almost enjoyed it! Of course it was the most demanding physical act I've ever done, but still, it was a wonderful experience.
Thank you so much for praying for my labor and delivery with Isaac. I'm so thankful God answered them by indeed giving me a birth experience that gave me everything I wanted and more. Most of all, I am so thankful to have a healthy baby at home. We are so in love. :)
(Side note/ soapbox moment - I encourage everyone to try to deliver naturally if they have the option. You don't need the meds and if I can do it, you can do it! And everyone should watch the documentary The Business of Being Born - I don't necessarily agree with everything in the movie but it gives a perspective on childbirth that isn't given enough. Just because so many women are giving epidurals and other medicinal pain relieving options doesn't mean they're safe or what's best for mom or more importantly baby.)
Friday, August 5, 2011
Waiting on Baby Boy...
Well I was hoping that my next post on here would be introducing you all to our baby boy, but unfortunately baby boy's due date came and went (he was due this past Wednesday, August 3rd), and he seems to be nice and content staying put for awhile longer. Thankfully both baby and I seem to be doing quite well so we're waiting another week at which point if he hasn't arrived yet we'll begin discussing with my midwife what our next plan of action will be in terms of waiting longer, inducing, etc.
As much as this tempts me to become anxious and impatient, I'm really not. Of course I'm eager for him to get here soon - mostly so I can meet him already and can stop wondering and worrying, but also so I don't have to go down the road of being induced again. But I think everyone else is more anxious and impatient over him being 2 days past his due date than I am - I know they are almost as eager as I am for him to get here too, but we all just need to show a little more patience I think. :)
And technically he's not past due or overdue until after 42 weeks, which no one really gets to these days (which also means baby boy will have to be here by August 17th!), but babies typically come between 38-42 weeks, with around 50% before that 40 week mark and 50% after... So of course waiting is no fun, but it's completely normal!
And yes we're continuing to do everything safe we can do on our own to try to induce labor (and we really don't need suggestions because trust me, I've heard of practically everything and am doing practically everything). Nonetheless, I'm convinced baby boy will come when he is good and ready, and ultimately it's all about God's timing, not our own.
So today, 2 days past my due date, baby boy and I are doing well. I've been feeling quite well emotionally thanks to God pouring out His peace on my heart and mind every day. I am very eager to go into labor and meet our baby boy, but so far I am not going crazy with impatience and I hope God helps to continue to give me patience until his time comes.
If you would like to pray for us, please pray for a complication free labor and delivery (that would be natural and not induced) and that baby boy would be born healthy. Please continue to pray for God's peace to pour into our hearts and minds as we are continue to battle fears and doubts and worries. Please pray for us to have patience as we wait. Overall please pray that God would pour out his protection over momma and baby during labor and delivery, that He would bless baby boy's arrival, and that this time for our family would begin a season of joy - but ultimately that God's will, being perfect, would be carried out.
Thanks!! Hopefully the next update will be introducing you to baby boy!
As much as this tempts me to become anxious and impatient, I'm really not. Of course I'm eager for him to get here soon - mostly so I can meet him already and can stop wondering and worrying, but also so I don't have to go down the road of being induced again. But I think everyone else is more anxious and impatient over him being 2 days past his due date than I am - I know they are almost as eager as I am for him to get here too, but we all just need to show a little more patience I think. :)
And technically he's not past due or overdue until after 42 weeks, which no one really gets to these days (which also means baby boy will have to be here by August 17th!), but babies typically come between 38-42 weeks, with around 50% before that 40 week mark and 50% after... So of course waiting is no fun, but it's completely normal!
And yes we're continuing to do everything safe we can do on our own to try to induce labor (and we really don't need suggestions because trust me, I've heard of practically everything and am doing practically everything). Nonetheless, I'm convinced baby boy will come when he is good and ready, and ultimately it's all about God's timing, not our own.
So today, 2 days past my due date, baby boy and I are doing well. I've been feeling quite well emotionally thanks to God pouring out His peace on my heart and mind every day. I am very eager to go into labor and meet our baby boy, but so far I am not going crazy with impatience and I hope God helps to continue to give me patience until his time comes.
If you would like to pray for us, please pray for a complication free labor and delivery (that would be natural and not induced) and that baby boy would be born healthy. Please continue to pray for God's peace to pour into our hearts and minds as we are continue to battle fears and doubts and worries. Please pray for us to have patience as we wait. Overall please pray that God would pour out his protection over momma and baby during labor and delivery, that He would bless baby boy's arrival, and that this time for our family would begin a season of joy - but ultimately that God's will, being perfect, would be carried out.
Thanks!! Hopefully the next update will be introducing you to baby boy!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
My Unexpected Baby Shower
Without getting into the somewhat elaborate scheme of the day yesterday, my husband and I arrived at our friend Katie's house in the afternoon to, what I thought, was to go through some baby boy items she no longer needed now that her son was older and see if we wanted any of them. Not expecting anything, one, because they all did a fabulous job of keeping it a surprise, and, two, because I am the most gullible person in the world, I rang her doorbell expecting Katie to answer and do just that. Instead, her door opened and I was greeted by a face I never expected to see, that of our friend, our mentor, who used to be one of our OCF (Officers' Christian Fellowship) leaders at Ft. Rucker, who has become like family to us, Jennifer, who is also now stationed at Ft. Knox, which is about 3 hrs from where we are at Ft. Campbell.
My first thought at seeing her was Jennifer! What a pleasant surprise! What's she doing here? And then a nanosecond later I see Katie out of the corner of my eye with a huge flashing camera in front of her face snapping pictures left and right, and my next thought was Oh my gosh, I think I just walked in on my own surprise party. Oh my goodness I'm about to have a baby shower thrown for me. Thankfully, with it being a surprise and all, I didn't have time to dwell on that or let that thought process go too much further because I soon saw the beautiful smiling faces of my friends around the corner. I did however have to give myself an instant pep talk about how I will not cry and how I will make sure to show everyone how happy and thankful I am to have them all there for me. I looked back at my husband who came in behind me and realized we were probably not going out to lunch with his commander that afternoon, which he confirmed and then snuck out after giving me a quick kiss.
Indeed I was surprised and unprepared and those were probably very good things and were what needed to happen. You see, had anyone asked or approached me about having a baby shower, I would have quickly turned them down.
Here's why. To attempt (keyword, attempt) to make a long story short, since losing Hailey, baby showers and I don't mix well emotionally. I have a hard time, whether it's for myself or someone else, being a part of something that celebrates and assumes that the parents will bring that baby home, will watch that baby grow, etc. when I know that doesn't always happen, when in my own experience, instead of coming home from the hospital with a healthy baby, I came home almost 2 weeks later with a sick one and had to begin preparing for her death. To me a baby shower represents the extreme high of a hopeful, expectant mother who is pure and innocent, and I know that I cannot assume or expect that because I went from that type of mother to an extreme low when I became a babylost mother. The innocence, the ignorance, the naivete, the pure joy of the expectant mother at her baby shower to my tainted eyes and heart is something that is frustrating and saddens me, but it's my reality. The experience of seeing the same faces at Hailey's memorial service who I had seen not too many months before at my baby showers... to remember the sight of those eager and happy faces as I opened their gifts and talked to them at my shower and to then look at those same faces crushed, full of sorrow, not knowing what words to say to me... That experience was hard and the memory is heartbreaking... And of course, I fear that happening again, so in my attempt to control to that fear, my solution was no baby showers for myself. I would be more than happy to have a baby shower after baby boy is here when I'm not assuming I have a future with him, I am knowing it...but I didn't want one before he comes. Not to mention, I didn't think I could emotionally handle it. I feared a baby shower would bring up some difficult emotions and crush me. I feared having a baby shower thrown for me where I would be overcome by a sorrow that didn''t allow me to celebrate the way a mother should at her baby shower.
But there I was yesterday, smack dab in the middle of my own surprise baby shower. In a way, I was facing a fear, and I had no choice.
To be honest, initially a small part of me was upset when my husband kissed me goodbye and left me. He knew about this? How could he do this to me? I thought he knew why I didn't want a baby shower... How could he put me through this emotional turmoil and make me face it by myself??
But again, thankfully it was a surprise, and I really had no time to let these thoughts go too much further.
I'm happy to report that my fears were not realized, and I was not in emotional turmoil at my shower, and I was not overcome with sorrow, whether it was sorrow related to my past with Hailey or sorrow related to my unknown future with our baby boy. Instead, God used my baby shower to show me something and fill me with some other things... And I'm so thankful I didn't have the option to run away from it because I so desperately needed what God had in store for me.
You see, I really had the best time at my baby shower and that is because God gave me His eyes for me. The hosts and guests may not have known this, but my shower was not necessarily about celebrating and assuming I'd have a certain future with my baby boy. It didn't focus on me making plans and talking about how I envisioned my future with our baby boy. It didn't require me to fake emotions or fake a conversation about the future to make others more comfortable or to "play" the role of the happy expectant mother at her baby shower. Maybe the best way I can put it is that the baby shower wasn't about the future for me. It was about the present. In fact, it was God fulfilling exactly what I needed in the present.
It wasn't about chatting about the future acting like I'm in control of what happens or about the gifts (although I did appreciate the gifts and thought they were all incredibly thoughtful and adorable and of course I oohed and aahed over everything because there's no denying the cuteness of baby things and there's no denying that I want to be able to use them all...) So yes I was showered in gifts, but it wasn't about that.
Instead, yesterday God allowed me to be showered with the things I needed and the things that truly mattered. Yesterday I was showered with friendship. With kindness. With compassion. With love. With support. And even with prayer. All of those things I so desperately need, God wanted to show me in a big way that I had.
Sometimes my life feels very lonely because most people in my life can't understand or imagine what I've been through with Hailey and what I'm going through now as we wait for our little boy to be born. That place of loneliness can become very dark and isolating and is often a place where my sorrows and fears are born and grown. That's not to say that's anyone's fault; it's just part of the journey I'm on because it's one that only I can be on... But God is continually showing me that he is walking me through it and there are so many others in our lives who are walking beside me as well.
To be in a room full of women yesterday, some of whom I've known for two years, some two months, and some two weeks, and to know that the amount of time we've known each other doesn't define the friendship that exists is completely amazing. To look into the face of each woman in that room and know for a fact that God placed us in each others' lives for a reason is completely amazing. To be in a room full of women who yesterday, whether they know it or not, demonstrated optimistic and encouraging hearts was the very thing my own heart, which has become so pessimistic and completely fragile, needed. To be in a room full of women who, again, whether they know it or not, demonstrated some of God's own love for me, was something I so desperately needed. To be in that room yesterday and feel overwhelming support from them was something I so desperately needed - because as strong-headed and stubborn as I can be, it's clear that much of this time on my journey I am fragile and breaking and weak and barely keeping my head above water, and I just can't do it on my own. I need God and I need others in my life too to help pick me and support me.
Yesterday, at my baby shower, a place I feared being, a place I feared would fill me with sorrow, a place I feared would be an act that I would have to pretend at... turned out to be none of those. It was a place where everyone there knew my story. Everyone there knew me. Everyone there had compassion. Everyone there allowed me to feel safe.
One thing many of you reading this may not understand is that being an Army wife sometimes adds an extra sense of isolation to my journey. Not too long ago, I moved here, to a new place, where I had no friends, and making friends can be difficult for me. It's hard to seek out friendships because I tend to be insecure and introverted, but in knowing that sometimes I have to compensate for myself, I keep putting myself in situations to build friendships. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to place women in my life who I can come to have true friendships with. Over time, through two Christian-based organizations, I came to have many acquaintances, and thankfully within the last few months several have turned into growing friendships. So to be at my baby shower yesterday and see all friendships in my life here and to see them all at the same place at the same time was something my eyes and heart needed to see.
To all of you who were at my shower yesterday, I will be handwriting individual thank yous to you, but I wanted to write this 'collective thank you' to all also (and some of this you may see repeated on your individual cards, but bear with me, my heart needs to say this):
To Jennifer, Thank you for wanting to throw and for planning a baby shower for me. Thank you for listening to God on that one because I do think it was from him. God seems to use you in big ways in my life when I need it the most, like those walks and lunches you'd invite me on after we lost Hailey, when inside I didn't want to leave the house, but you and God seemed to know I needed it.
To my husband, Thank you for knowing me better than myself, for listening to God (whether you're aware or not it was from him), and for giving the okay and encouraging and helping Jennifer orchestrate the surprise shower. I really did not want a baby shower, but I think you and God saw that I needed something I didn't know I needed.
To Katie, It's funny how God has made our paths cross and developed an instant friendship despite not having spent all that much time together. Thank you for helping with and hosting my shower at your beautiful home and opening it up to all those women, many of whom you didn't know.
To Claire and Holly, First and foremost, thank you for essentially being the two ladies in my life here who are loving the Lord and are leading other women, including myself, to love the Lord and each other. Thank you for your roles in helping Jennifer with the guest list and inviting all the women here who mean so much to me.
To everyone I just mentioned and to all of my guests at my shower yesterday (there are too many of you to name individually on here, but please try to take this collective thank you personally), Seeing each and every one of your beautiful smiling faces at my shower meant so much to me, more than you can probably ever know. You all are honestly some of the most beautiful people inside and out that I have ever been blessed to know. Each of your gifts was perfect and greatly appreciated. However, truly, the best gifts you all gave me yesterday were not ones I could touch, but ones that I felt and have deeply affected me.
I can't say it enough: Thank you for your presence. For your friendship. For your smiles. For your hugs. For your warmth. For your positivity. For your conversation and laughter. For your thoughtfulness. For your kindness. For your compassion. For your understanding. For your prayers. And most of all, for your love and support.
I want you to know that yesterday while you think you may have gone and done what anyone would do, buy a gift and go to a baby shower for someone you know who is expecting, you did so much more than that. You all truly allowed God to shine through you and I am so thankful to have experienced that. So whether you know it or not, yesterday was not just a typical old baby shower, it was a God orchestrated moment in my life to open my eyes to something that I had not known, and it was something He planned for you all to be a part of.
Like I mentioned above, God used yesterday's baby shower to show me that my baby shower was less about our baby's future and more about Him helping me in my present moment. I am so grateful God promises me he will never leave me, no matter how hard or dark or lonely or scary things seem in my life, and am so grateful for his provision of people and relationships in my life that he works through to partner beside me and show me firsthand what love and support and encouragement look like.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for my 'unexpected' baby shower. I truly didn't expect to have one, and I truly didn't expect the one I'd have to function in my life the way it has.
My first thought at seeing her was Jennifer! What a pleasant surprise! What's she doing here? And then a nanosecond later I see Katie out of the corner of my eye with a huge flashing camera in front of her face snapping pictures left and right, and my next thought was Oh my gosh, I think I just walked in on my own surprise party. Oh my goodness I'm about to have a baby shower thrown for me. Thankfully, with it being a surprise and all, I didn't have time to dwell on that or let that thought process go too much further because I soon saw the beautiful smiling faces of my friends around the corner. I did however have to give myself an instant pep talk about how I will not cry and how I will make sure to show everyone how happy and thankful I am to have them all there for me. I looked back at my husband who came in behind me and realized we were probably not going out to lunch with his commander that afternoon, which he confirmed and then snuck out after giving me a quick kiss.
Indeed I was surprised and unprepared and those were probably very good things and were what needed to happen. You see, had anyone asked or approached me about having a baby shower, I would have quickly turned them down.
Here's why. To attempt (keyword, attempt) to make a long story short, since losing Hailey, baby showers and I don't mix well emotionally. I have a hard time, whether it's for myself or someone else, being a part of something that celebrates and assumes that the parents will bring that baby home, will watch that baby grow, etc. when I know that doesn't always happen, when in my own experience, instead of coming home from the hospital with a healthy baby, I came home almost 2 weeks later with a sick one and had to begin preparing for her death. To me a baby shower represents the extreme high of a hopeful, expectant mother who is pure and innocent, and I know that I cannot assume or expect that because I went from that type of mother to an extreme low when I became a babylost mother. The innocence, the ignorance, the naivete, the pure joy of the expectant mother at her baby shower to my tainted eyes and heart is something that is frustrating and saddens me, but it's my reality. The experience of seeing the same faces at Hailey's memorial service who I had seen not too many months before at my baby showers... to remember the sight of those eager and happy faces as I opened their gifts and talked to them at my shower and to then look at those same faces crushed, full of sorrow, not knowing what words to say to me... That experience was hard and the memory is heartbreaking... And of course, I fear that happening again, so in my attempt to control to that fear, my solution was no baby showers for myself. I would be more than happy to have a baby shower after baby boy is here when I'm not assuming I have a future with him, I am knowing it...but I didn't want one before he comes. Not to mention, I didn't think I could emotionally handle it. I feared a baby shower would bring up some difficult emotions and crush me. I feared having a baby shower thrown for me where I would be overcome by a sorrow that didn''t allow me to celebrate the way a mother should at her baby shower.
But there I was yesterday, smack dab in the middle of my own surprise baby shower. In a way, I was facing a fear, and I had no choice.
To be honest, initially a small part of me was upset when my husband kissed me goodbye and left me. He knew about this? How could he do this to me? I thought he knew why I didn't want a baby shower... How could he put me through this emotional turmoil and make me face it by myself??
But again, thankfully it was a surprise, and I really had no time to let these thoughts go too much further.
I'm happy to report that my fears were not realized, and I was not in emotional turmoil at my shower, and I was not overcome with sorrow, whether it was sorrow related to my past with Hailey or sorrow related to my unknown future with our baby boy. Instead, God used my baby shower to show me something and fill me with some other things... And I'm so thankful I didn't have the option to run away from it because I so desperately needed what God had in store for me.
You see, I really had the best time at my baby shower and that is because God gave me His eyes for me. The hosts and guests may not have known this, but my shower was not necessarily about celebrating and assuming I'd have a certain future with my baby boy. It didn't focus on me making plans and talking about how I envisioned my future with our baby boy. It didn't require me to fake emotions or fake a conversation about the future to make others more comfortable or to "play" the role of the happy expectant mother at her baby shower. Maybe the best way I can put it is that the baby shower wasn't about the future for me. It was about the present. In fact, it was God fulfilling exactly what I needed in the present.
It wasn't about chatting about the future acting like I'm in control of what happens or about the gifts (although I did appreciate the gifts and thought they were all incredibly thoughtful and adorable and of course I oohed and aahed over everything because there's no denying the cuteness of baby things and there's no denying that I want to be able to use them all...) So yes I was showered in gifts, but it wasn't about that.
Instead, yesterday God allowed me to be showered with the things I needed and the things that truly mattered. Yesterday I was showered with friendship. With kindness. With compassion. With love. With support. And even with prayer. All of those things I so desperately need, God wanted to show me in a big way that I had.
Sometimes my life feels very lonely because most people in my life can't understand or imagine what I've been through with Hailey and what I'm going through now as we wait for our little boy to be born. That place of loneliness can become very dark and isolating and is often a place where my sorrows and fears are born and grown. That's not to say that's anyone's fault; it's just part of the journey I'm on because it's one that only I can be on... But God is continually showing me that he is walking me through it and there are so many others in our lives who are walking beside me as well.
To be in a room full of women yesterday, some of whom I've known for two years, some two months, and some two weeks, and to know that the amount of time we've known each other doesn't define the friendship that exists is completely amazing. To look into the face of each woman in that room and know for a fact that God placed us in each others' lives for a reason is completely amazing. To be in a room full of women who yesterday, whether they know it or not, demonstrated optimistic and encouraging hearts was the very thing my own heart, which has become so pessimistic and completely fragile, needed. To be in a room full of women who, again, whether they know it or not, demonstrated some of God's own love for me, was something I so desperately needed. To be in that room yesterday and feel overwhelming support from them was something I so desperately needed - because as strong-headed and stubborn as I can be, it's clear that much of this time on my journey I am fragile and breaking and weak and barely keeping my head above water, and I just can't do it on my own. I need God and I need others in my life too to help pick me and support me.
Yesterday, at my baby shower, a place I feared being, a place I feared would fill me with sorrow, a place I feared would be an act that I would have to pretend at... turned out to be none of those. It was a place where everyone there knew my story. Everyone there knew me. Everyone there had compassion. Everyone there allowed me to feel safe.
One thing many of you reading this may not understand is that being an Army wife sometimes adds an extra sense of isolation to my journey. Not too long ago, I moved here, to a new place, where I had no friends, and making friends can be difficult for me. It's hard to seek out friendships because I tend to be insecure and introverted, but in knowing that sometimes I have to compensate for myself, I keep putting myself in situations to build friendships. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to place women in my life who I can come to have true friendships with. Over time, through two Christian-based organizations, I came to have many acquaintances, and thankfully within the last few months several have turned into growing friendships. So to be at my baby shower yesterday and see all friendships in my life here and to see them all at the same place at the same time was something my eyes and heart needed to see.
To all of you who were at my shower yesterday, I will be handwriting individual thank yous to you, but I wanted to write this 'collective thank you' to all also (and some of this you may see repeated on your individual cards, but bear with me, my heart needs to say this):
To Jennifer, Thank you for wanting to throw and for planning a baby shower for me. Thank you for listening to God on that one because I do think it was from him. God seems to use you in big ways in my life when I need it the most, like those walks and lunches you'd invite me on after we lost Hailey, when inside I didn't want to leave the house, but you and God seemed to know I needed it.
To my husband, Thank you for knowing me better than myself, for listening to God (whether you're aware or not it was from him), and for giving the okay and encouraging and helping Jennifer orchestrate the surprise shower. I really did not want a baby shower, but I think you and God saw that I needed something I didn't know I needed.
To Katie, It's funny how God has made our paths cross and developed an instant friendship despite not having spent all that much time together. Thank you for helping with and hosting my shower at your beautiful home and opening it up to all those women, many of whom you didn't know.
To Claire and Holly, First and foremost, thank you for essentially being the two ladies in my life here who are loving the Lord and are leading other women, including myself, to love the Lord and each other. Thank you for your roles in helping Jennifer with the guest list and inviting all the women here who mean so much to me.
To everyone I just mentioned and to all of my guests at my shower yesterday (there are too many of you to name individually on here, but please try to take this collective thank you personally), Seeing each and every one of your beautiful smiling faces at my shower meant so much to me, more than you can probably ever know. You all are honestly some of the most beautiful people inside and out that I have ever been blessed to know. Each of your gifts was perfect and greatly appreciated. However, truly, the best gifts you all gave me yesterday were not ones I could touch, but ones that I felt and have deeply affected me.
I can't say it enough: Thank you for your presence. For your friendship. For your smiles. For your hugs. For your warmth. For your positivity. For your conversation and laughter. For your thoughtfulness. For your kindness. For your compassion. For your understanding. For your prayers. And most of all, for your love and support.
I want you to know that yesterday while you think you may have gone and done what anyone would do, buy a gift and go to a baby shower for someone you know who is expecting, you did so much more than that. You all truly allowed God to shine through you and I am so thankful to have experienced that. So whether you know it or not, yesterday was not just a typical old baby shower, it was a God orchestrated moment in my life to open my eyes to something that I had not known, and it was something He planned for you all to be a part of.
Like I mentioned above, God used yesterday's baby shower to show me that my baby shower was less about our baby's future and more about Him helping me in my present moment. I am so grateful God promises me he will never leave me, no matter how hard or dark or lonely or scary things seem in my life, and am so grateful for his provision of people and relationships in my life that he works through to partner beside me and show me firsthand what love and support and encouragement look like.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for my 'unexpected' baby shower. I truly didn't expect to have one, and I truly didn't expect the one I'd have to function in my life the way it has.
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