Remembering 2010, Welcoming 2011

New Year's Eve is upon us. Amongst other things, that means everyone's Facebook statuses are declaring what they loved about this past year and all the 'amazing' things they're looking forward to this next year. I remember reading similar Facebook statuses last New Year's Eve as well... and I remember how much my heart ached as I read them.

Last year at this time, I was not in the New Year's 'spirit' at all because, quite frankly, I was dreading the new year. I wasn't looking forward to 2010. Every time I thought of what 2010 held for me, I wanted to cry and did cry. Every FB status that bragged about how blessed they were in 2009 and how blessed they were going to be in 2010, with babies, weddings, vacations, and so on, was like a little knife to my heart.

All I could think about was what I had to 'look forward to' for 2010 and that was the deaths of my daughter and father. I knew they were coming. My New Year's Eve was spent thinking of the deteriorating health of my dad as he was clearly losing his battle to cancer quickly and my baby who was given a diagnosis that she could die any day. Death was what loomed around the corner for me in 2010.

And my 2010 did begin with death... Hailey died January 6th and my dad died the day before my birthday on January 22nd. I spent the first month of 2010 planning and attending the memorial services of my daughter and dad. I spent the first half of the year severely mourning their deaths and trying to figure out how to go on. On the worst days of my grief, I couldn't look to the rest of the year, the coming years, even the coming days... I clung to God having no other hope to live...not seeing what there was to live for... not imagining life could ever bring me happiness again...that I could ever look forward to something again.

While your Facebook status may say 2010 was the best year of your life, 2010 was by far the worst year of my life. I've never felt so much pain, sadness, hopelessness, or despair... I lost two people I loved. Two people very close to me. My family was broken and forever changed.

However, I survived it all. And I sit here today, on the eve of 2011, and remember 2010. While 2010 was all of those negative things I just wrote about, and I will always remember it because of those things, I will also remember 2010 for another reason. I came through this all closer to God and with a stronger faith. I was tested and tried and brought to my lowest point...But I came through with a stronger faith because of my encounters with God.

This year God revealed himself to me over and over again, and I consider each one of those moments a miraculous blessing. God remained faithful and loving and good. He lived out his promises he'd written to me in the Bible on a daily basis, and I got to know that and experience that. Before this all happened, I considered myself a mature believer walking closely with my God and experiencing Him, but never had my faith been to this place of great depth. This year the depths and heights of my faith and God's love expanded beyond my imagination.  To capture it in a single sentence, this year I experienced a joy I have never known or imagined to be possible and a supernatural comfort and peace to my sorrow and mourning. In addition, I was given greater wisdom and understanding about life and my creator.

Before I go any further, I'd like to reminisce about last year on New Year's Eve.  We had Hailey with us at our home in Alabama and my mom was staying with us. Since we couldn't really go out and do anything, my mom cooked us some of my favorite foods, including Alaskan King Crab Legs. The best part of New Year's Eve in the south with Hailey was that the weather was so mild and nice that we were able to take her on her first official stroller ride. I wrote a tank top and sweats and was perfectly comfortable, but we bundled little Hailey up nonetheless to ensure she stayed snuggly warm. We set up her little traveling oxygen tank and went on a little short walk with her and Opie down our street and back. It was one of those memories with Hailey that I treasure having. It was one of those things we never knew if we'd be able to do with her, but as parents longed to do... Hailey got a little crabby at the end of the walk, but who could blame her, it was a big change for her weak little body. Even when she was crabby she was cute. We were able to take a lot of pictures during our walk and took a little video of it...and that was how I spent my New Year's Eve last year. This year, we're enjoying another warm and mild New Year's Eve in Alabama, and my puppy, hubby, and I are just keeping it low key, probably watching some movies, and doing a little 'toast' with our traditional sparkling grape juice at midnight.

In remembering my 2010, I remember the lives lost of my dad and my daughter. I remember and thank God for the provisions and blessings he's poured out on me in light of those losses. I am thankful for God's plans for my marriage and the growing he's allowed to take place. I am thankful for becoming a part of Project Sweet Peas and starting Hailey's Hope this year, and I pray God would allow me to continue to serve him in this way for years to come.

For welcoming 2011, I'm wise enough not to boast about any plans and to pray all future plans be according to God's will (James 4:13-17). I pray for God to bless our transition and move from Ft. Rucker, AL to Ft. Campbell, KY. I pray that God would watch over us and bless our new home and provide us with good friends who can become like family and a church that we can call home in TN.

New Year’s Prayer

"Heavenly Father, for this coming year

Just one request I bring.

I do not pray for happiness or any earthly thing.

I do not ask to understand the way you lead me;

But this I ask—teach me to do the thing that pleases You.

I want to know Your guiding voice,

To walk with you each day.

Heavenly Father,

Make me swift to hear and ready to obey;

And thus the year I now begin

A happy year will be,

If I am seeking just to do

The thing that pleases You."

(Anonymous)

Happy New Year :)

And, as I wrote for the status of Hailey's Hope's Facebook page, I pray that God would bless you in 2011, that any injury be healed, any sadness be turned to joy, any doubt turned to faith, and any despair turned to hope.

Merry Christmas (In Pictures), From Hailey

Luke 1:14 - You will have great joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth

Matthew 1:23 - Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’

Isaiah 9:6 - For a child is born to us, a son is given to us...And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Merry Christmas

XOXO

Christmas Vacation

Well blogging world, sorry for the lack of posts, but due to the busyness of the season, traveling, buying a home, temporarily moving into that home,  a nasty case of the flu or food poisoning, and traveling to visit family in Illinois, I haven't had much time to write - and in a nutshell that's pretty much what I've been up to: being busy, traveling, being sick, and now visiting family. But this post is less about those things and more about what this Christmas has been like without Hailey so far.

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Last year at this time we had Hailey with us but were so busy taking care of her and not getting out of the house much, that we didn't buy Hailey a Christmas stocking, and I'm not sure honestly if I would have known whether to get one for her or not considering.... But this year I made a decision that every Christmas Hailey will have a stocking that hangs with the rest of our family's. About a month or so ago I found a pretty pink baby stocking at a store and bought it for her. I wanted to have it hanging up this Christmas, but, unfortunately, due to some lack of communication and the craziness of all our travels, we left her stocking back in Alabama...

While I knew I wanted to have a stocking hanging for Hailey every Christmas, I was still a little unsure about it... How sad it would look sitting there empty... A sad reminder she's not here. But after talking with some other moms who've lost their babies and some wonderful suggestions for this dilemma, we came up with some great ideas of little gifts we could fill her stocking with each year. Some of my favorite ideas are to place bulbs or flower seeds in her stocking each Christmas to plant in a garden in her memory each year in the spring and another idea was to buy a collectible item each year in memory of her. For us, butterflies have become quite significant and are now wonderful reminders of our little girl, so some years we might buy some sort of butterfly gift to put in her stocking.

After realizing we'd left Hailey's stocking back in Alabama, we still wanted to start the tradition of buying a gift in memory of her each Christmas to feel like she's still a part of Christmas with us. So while waiting for our table at Cracker Barrel the other night, I stumbled upon the most beautiful wire and stone sculpture of a butterfly. It's designed to hang on a vase or something similar. The one we picked out has a rainbow of colors, and I think it's just perfect... So no stocking hanging for Hailey this year, but we do have a butterfly on the mantle next to ours.

So far the Christmas season without Hailey has been better than I'd expected as I'd mentioned before. I think it's because I know the hope and joy in the meaning behind the season and can truly find joy and celebration and reason to rejoice this season - because it's all about the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who'd I'd be lost and hopeless without and how I know Hailey is with in Heaven. So in that respect, my faith allows me to find the positive in this season, but of course, it's still hard without her.

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Today Josh and I were able to go visit Hailey's grave together. It's the first time he's been there since last January, and he hadn't yet seen her gravestone in person. It's hard to describe what it's like to go to your child's grave. Part excitement at seeing her and being near to her. Part sorrow... for the obvious reasons. I have to say, it felt somewhat peaceful and maybe even a bit magical (for lack of a better word) there when we went this evening. It was around sunset, a little glow of light to light our way, a serene blanket of white snow covering the ground. As I approached her grave, I smiled at seeing the fresh footprints in the snow of someone who had recently been there to visit her. Her Grandma Sue had bought her Christmas flowers and they laid in front of her gravestone. Then my eyes focused on a little yellow toy plow sitting next to them. I knew immediately it was from my brother, her Uncle Matt (who drives a snowplow for the village). I hadn't expected to see that token and gift there from him. It almost made me cry, but I didn't. Honestly, I didn't let myself, although I easily could have.  We didn't stay long; we had somewhere to be. And if it wasn't so frigidly cold, I could stay at her grave forever....just feeling close to her in the only way I can physically feel close to her. You might think it strange, maybe even a bit morbid, but a part of me longed to just lie down on the ground and hug it as though I was hugging her....

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As the time draws closer to being gathered together with families and parties and actual Christmas day, etc., things are getting harder. Mostly because I sit back and watch everyone with their families, their children, their babies, their joys...and miss mine. They seem complete, and I feel incomplete. I smile in celebrating for many of the same reasons they are, yet behind my smile is the hole in my heart... the constant knowing and living without my baby who I can't help but have that feeling like she should be here... even though I know that's not what God intended.

And so some of you may wonder (and I'm sorry that some of you know), what's it like to spend your first Christmas without your baby...

I sit in front of the fireplace and look at the stockings representing our family members....and can't help but focus on the emptiness, the spot that's missing hers.

I buy toys and wrap presents for our nephew... and can't help but miss not being able to do the same for my daughter.

I go to church services and Christmas parties and celebrate the birth of Jesus and being with family... and can't help feeling the part of me that's missing that becomes all to apparent as I watch families smiling and laughing together longing to be them, not understanding why I can't be a part of that 'world.'

Parents buy gifts, wrap presents, play Santa, give kisses and cuddles, and millions of other little things with their children this Christmas...and I sit back and watch the world go on around me oblivious to the fact that I'll be going to the store to buy a present for my daughter, but it will be one she'll never get. It'll be one she'll have resting on her grave....there as an attempt at expressing our love for her and our only way to say "Merry Christmas" to her.

And so this Christmas, I'm finding peace and joy and hope because of Jesus and the reason we're celebrating, but I also silently live inside of myself grieving, missing my daughter.

1st Time Home Owners; Home is where the heart is

Dec  16: (Sorry in advance for any typos and grammatical/spelling errors or parts that sound jumbled – I wrote this quickly and have limited access to the Internet – Hope to blog again soon though because I have more to share since I wrote this!)

Dec 15: I’m writing this post on my first night in our new home in Tennessee (it’s getting published tomorrow – today when you’re reading this – because we don’t have a connection to the Internet yet). I’m all cozy on an air mattress in what will be our master bedroom with my puppy sleeping beside me. But before I get into everything, I want to start at the beginning.

This past Sunday, our dog and I headed from our home in Alabama to Ft. Campbell, KY so that I could be at the final walk through of our house at 9am on Monday. Unfortunately, my trip coincided with the major snowstorm that hit much of the country. Thankfully, I drove for 5 hours making great time while taking my time before I hit any bad weather. As I entered Tennessee, I also entered the snowstorm. The usual 7 hr drive (including stops) turned to almost 9 hrs. The weather was terrible, the roads were even worse. I lost track of all the cars I drove by in ditches and all the accidents I saw. As my journey neared its destination, the interstate seemed to turn to a block of ice, and I, and what seemed like rush hour traffic surrounding me, slowed to a 10mph crawl. While I felt like I was holding back a heart attack during my entire drive and drove with every muscle in my body tense, I was perfectly content to drive 10 mph. Slowly but surely and safely I reached my destination, our friend’s house where I’ve stayed the past few days.

Monday morning my friend, who became my stand in husband for me at times, accompanied me to our new house for the final walk through. Everything went fairly well. Our long list of items to be fixed and finished was about 80-90% complete, which was good, but still not good enough for me to be feeling completely excited yet since that meant that there were of course items that still needed to be taken care of before our scheduled closing on Wednesday. The builders ensured me that the items remaining would be taken care of that day and that I needn’t worry.

The rest of Monday and Tuesday was spent waiting, sometimes impatiently, for closing on Wednesday to roll around. Thankfully Opie and I had friends to keep us company and hang out with so we managed to keep ourselves somewhat busy.

Finally Wednesday (today as I’m writing this) rolled around. We had one more walk through at 1pm today to see that the remaining items were indeed finished and much to my relief, the house was finally ready for us take ownership of! Immediately following, I made my way over to our closing at 2pm.

If you haven’t been following, I’ve been doing this all on my own this week. So with my power of attorney, I got the privilege of signing both of our names to what seemed like well over 100 forms. The whole process was pretty simple. Thankfully, I’ve seen most of the forms and figures beforehand and went in knowledgeable about what I was doing and what to expect, otherwise, I don’t think I would have had a clue what the guy was having me sign and do.

After I signed the last document and copies were being made, the builders handed over what seemed like 20 different keys and our garage door openers to me – that was the first moment since we started this process of buying a home that I finally felt a little flutter in my heart and felt excited.

All the hurdles and obstacles and what seemed like millions of things to do were finally over. Everything was done. The house was perfect. It was ready. It’s ours!

This evening Tennessee and Kentucky were supposed to get a possible ice storm so immediately after leaving closing, I found my way to the electric and water companies to have the house’s utilities transferred to our names. Then I made a quick stop at Walmart on the way back to our new house to pick up a few things I needed to get me through the night. Finally, I made my way to our new home with my keys in hand, packed car, and puppy in the front seat.

I can’t tell you how good it felt to open that garage door, unlock our door, and walk into our home that we own!

Before unpacking the car with everything I needed for the next two weeks of temporarily living here on and off, I walked Opie to the door and gave him a little pep talk about how this is going to be his new home, and then I let him loose in the house. He sprinted and bounded every which way, in and out of rooms, as happy as can be. He even ran into every room and hopped his front paws up onto every window ledge to look at all his views. And of course, eventually he got to check out his two decks and his backyard. He truly seemed super excited for his new house – well minus the time he slipped and got stuck in the deck stairs and yelped bloody murder (don’t worry, I saved him and he’s okay).

But I have to say, as truly excited as I am to be in our new house and to be a first time home owner… it’s just not the same without my husband here. It’s been quite lonely and somewhat scary doing all this on my own this week. I really wish my husband could have been here so that we could have walked into our new home together, spent the first night in our new home together, and so on…

As strange as this may sound, even though I’m finally in our new home, I feel a little homesick. As I’ve thought about my homesick feelings this week, I think military life is officially settling in on me… because what home am I sick for? The one in Alabama where we’ve been renting and have lived for a year and half and have been ready to move from? What about our homes back in Illinois? What home am I sick for? What home is mine? And really, I’m not homesick for any of my homes. I’m homesick for my husband. He’s where my home is. We make each other’s home, and without him, things just aren’t the same. Thankfully, he’ll be driving up from Alabama and should be here to join me in our new home by Saturday morning… so I just need to survive a few more days on my own. And even though I have Opie, it’s still pretty lonely without my husband.

And I’m not going to lie…being in this new, unfamiliar, empty house, in a new town, a new state, at night, with curtain-less windows everywhere…I’m a little scared to be on my own. And as odd or as pathetic as it may be, not having an Internet connection and no television makes me feel even more isolated and alone. Even though our house is in a neighborhood, it feels like I may as well be in the middle of nowhere… which makes it a little bit scarier. But at least I have my phone, my laptop, and DVDs to give me that sense of technological connection to something.

Overall, this week with traveling, buying a house, temporarily moving, etc. has been at times boring, stressful, busy, overwhelming, and I've felt a whirlwind of emotions.

I am thankful to God for our new beautiful home that we'll be able to spend the next few years of our lives in. It's perfect and I love it. I just can't wait to official move in now!

But no matter what physical dwelling I come to call my home in the coming years as the military moves around and around, my real home will always be where my heart is - and that's with Christ and with my husband.

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Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Ephesians 3:17
One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4