Today I am 37 weeks and a few days. Isaiah's due date is 20 days away. And here comes a post of open sharing and some vulnerability as my emotions and mind whirl about anticipating Isaiah's arrival.
My pregnancy with Hailey could be defined by innocent naivete and joy. When her birth went horribly wrong, and we received the worst news possible, that she was going to die and soon, our life with our first born became a grief-stricken nightmare that forever changed us.
My pregnancy with Isaac was riddled with fear and anxiety. The innocence, naivete, and joy had been taken from me. It was a daily battle to find joy and hope in the midst of knowing we were not guaranteed a healthy baby boy at the end of my pregnancy. But, when it was time for his birth, it went wonderfully right. It was literally perfection, and he was perfection. In our new life with him we found a joy we didn't know existed.
My pregnancy with Isaiah, in terms of my emotions and thoughts, has been very different than my prior two and influenced by both. In all three pregnancies, my babies have appeared healthy all along, but with my first two we had completely different outcomes. We had worst case and best case. Because of Hailey, I have treasured every moment of being pregnant this time, knowing that every day I heard his heart beat or every time I felt a flutter or a kick, could be the last. Instead of being sad about that, I cherished it, in awe of my third child and the next miracle God was creating in me.
I don't think I would have cherished it as much had I not been thrust into the NICU and baby loss world and grown from our experience. God allowed my heart and mind to get to a place of peace and trust with Isaiah's pregnancy I hadn't known before but so desperately wanted when I was pregnant with Isaac. I'm fully aware and appreciative of the fact that Isaiah is God's creation, God's masterpiece, whether he has Trisomy 18 or 21 or a birth defect or whether something unknown leads to a miscarriage or stillbirth or whether he is completely healthy and lives to be 100 years old... Whatever the outcome of his life, I am in a place where I willingly, trust, and accept it all. Isaiah's life is in God's hands.
Because of Isaac, I have a seed of hope planted within me that Isaiah could be a healthy baby boy. I have experienced this once and can experience it again as well. The combination of cherishing moments with my baby boy every step of this pregnancy and the seed of hope I have, my pregnancy with Isaiah has gone by with a great sense of peace that is only attributed as a gift from God. And I am so very thankful.
However, as time slows down, as my due date grows near, (as I mentioned in a prior post), I sense the growing battle in my mind with an enemy who wants to steal my peace and joy and fill me with fears and doubts. And so I will be armed with God's Word to help me in my battle.
But lately there is a new facet to this story I hadn't fully anticipated. And that's our son Isaac. Naturally, we are doing our best to prepare him for the huge transition of welcoming a baby into our family. Thankfully from the start he has been excited and positive about having a baby brother. I've loved every minute of watching him already play the part of big brother. From the first time we all heard Isaiah's heart beat and him loving hearing it and talking about it, from him holding a stethoscope to my belly and pretending to listen to Isaiah's heart beat, to the countless adorable things he says about Isaiah, to helping prepare Isaiah's nursery, to helping pick out Isaiah's car seat and clothing, to him feeling Isaiah move and feeling Isaiah's hiccups and watching his eyes light up in wonder, to everything... I just love observing the sweet big brother he already is. He has innocent anticipation and excitement and hope for baby Isaiah to arrive into the world.
This week we've reached a new level of big brotherhood that involves numerous, almost never ending conversations started by Isaac about Isaiah. Perhaps it was prompted by the new books we bought him about becoming a big brother or the fact that we're talking about Isaiah more as my due date nears, but whatever it is, he has become incredibly interested in Isaiah. He wants to know where Isaiah is in my belly, so I point to the different parts of my belly and tell him where Isaiah's feet, butt, back, and head are - he loves it. (He giggled when he realized Isaiah is "upside down.") He is sort of obsessed with Isaiah's sonogram pictures, wanting to always see them and know what is what in the picture, where are Isaiah's eyes, mouth, hands, etc.... And we talk about all of these things repeatedly throughout the day. I'm always amazed by how much he understands, and it's all incredibly sweet and adorable.
And this is the new facet that I hadn't anticipated with Isaac's role of becoming a big brother. We're letting him have his innocent joy and excitement and hope. I talk to him like I can't talk to myself, as though we are promised a healthy baby to bring home. We haven't held back at all. Only now am I really thinking about the fact that if something is wrong or goes wrong, it won't only affect my husband and I, it will affect Isaac too. Being in the baby loss world, I know of many families who have lost babies and already had children. The children grieve too. The parents have to grieve the loss of their baby and help their other children grieve as well.
{Sigh...}
But I can't take away Isaac's hope. And I can only ask that God would prepare his heart for whatever happens...
But I can't imagine how much more my heart would break if something were to happen and Isaac wouldn't have his little brother or have a healthy little brother. How would we explain it, how sad would he be... It's a whole new ball game. (Sorry for the lame, shallow cliche but sometimes words just fail in things like this). I know we'd all get through it and God would help provide for all of us.... But, oh my is it hard.
So this new facet and realization has just added to the battle going on in my mind. I can only pray for Isaiah's health and birth and ask God for this dream I've dared to dream to come true, and hope for Isaac to have a healthy little brother and pray God works in his little heart to prepare him for whatever change is about to happen in his world.
And in the mean time as I pray, I will continue to cling on to hope, cherish my time pregnant with Isaiah, and cherish watching Isaac in his role as big brother already.
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