I suffer from déjà vu

Confession: I keep having moments where I'm freaking myself out a little bit a lot... Moments where deja vu hits me, and instead of feeling odd or surreal, it feels all too real and scary and brings all those worries and fears back to the forefront of my mind.

I feel like I'm in the same place I was back in the fall of '09 only this time it's the spring of '11.

My belly is nice and round and ever growing... like last time.

I rejoice in the little movements I feel inside of me and at the the big movements I can feel as my hand rests on my protruding stomach... like last time.

My mind seems to instinctively wants to drift toward dreams of nursery designs and those moments every mom longs for, like of holding him for the first time... like last time with her.

My pregnancy occupies me. I'm letting it define me, and it's defining this stage of my life. Like last time.

I stay at home living my life as a housewife... like last time.

I don't seek employment because the timing is off with expecting the baby to come in a few months... like last time.

I don't make plans to seek a future commitment like employment because my dreams and plans are of being a stay at home mom... like last time.

Everything is so much the same as it was in the fall '09.

At this point in the pregnancy it seems to be progressing much the same as the first time. It's like deja vu.

And because of this deja vu... it leads me to freaking out. This spring '11 is so much the same as fall '09; what if this summer '11 turns into the same as winter '09?

It's not comforting that everything feels so much the same as last time. As I've said before, and I'll continue to say again and again, one of the worst parts of what happened with Hailey was that my world seemed perfect and hopeful and expected one thing to happen and then everything crumbled to pieces in an instant. I know all too well that a healthy pregnancy and a seemingly healthy baby during pregnancy does not equal a healthy baby at birth. I know that the things I hope and dream of with the future of my baby may never happen. I know still births happen. I know things like chromosomal disorders happen....

And then I start to freak out... It's very hard for me to find comfort and peace in this pregnancy despite the fact that everything seems to be going well... because that's what happened last time.  So much is the same, yet I don't want the same ending...

Only time will tell. Until then I need continual renewing of patience and trust in the Lord. And while it seems like nothing (not even continual reassurance from doctors and what not) can bring me comfort or peace during this pregnancy, I know that ultimately my peace and comfort must come from God. And I know that I just need to take this one day at a time despite all the efforts out there that make me wonder about the future.

Philippians 4:6-7