2 New Grief 'Resources'

Today I added the following book and song to my lists of grief resources and wanted to share them in this post as well because they are both so moving.

Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen

I’m so thankful a friend told me about this book, which I read for the first time this week, almost a year and a half after losing Hailey. Tear Soup is a beautifully written and illustrated children’s book about grief and loss. While it appears as a children’s book, it’s really perfect for any age, child, teen, young adult, adult, the elderly, and it’s written in such a general but exact way that it fits anyone’s story of loss, whether it’s the loss of a child, parent, family member, pet, or the loss involved with divorce. This book is really one of the most moving books I’ve ever read about the process of grieving. I found myself easily relating to the story and feeling less alone in my own process of grieving. The final pages of the book offer advice for the various types of people experiencing various types of grief as well as list grief-related resources. This really is a must read for everyone – even if you are not the one experiencing the loss firsthand, but you know someone who is; this book is for you too.

"Lucy" by Skillet

A new Christian song about loss / grief, meant to be written in a vague way as to apply to various types of losses. I changed "Lucy" to "Hailey" in the lyrics below...
Hey Hailey, I remember your name
I left a dozen roses on your grave today
I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away
I just came to talk for a while
I got some things I need to say

Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking
back at me
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I've gotta live with the choices I made
And I can't live with myself today

Hey Hailey, I remembered your birthday
They said it'd bring some closure to say your name
I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance
But all I got are these roses to give
And they can't help me make amends

Here we are
Now you're in my arms
I never wanted anything so bad
Here we are
For a brand new start
Living the life that we could've had

Me and Hailey walking hand in hand
Me and Hailey never wanna end
Just another moment in your eyes
I'll see you in another life
In heaven where we never say goodbye

Here we are, now you're in my arms
Here we are for a brand new start
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today

Me and Hailey walking hand in hand
Me and Hailey never wanna end
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today

Hey Hailey, I remember your name

Baby boy notes

It's no secret that this pregnancy has been and remains an emotional roller coaster ride for me, but today I'm having a pretty good day so I figured it'd be good for me to update you all on our baby boy by writing some notes about him.

First, the not so good update I suppose is that I thought I was finally ready to start looking at ideas for planning his nursery and looking into items I want to buy for him; however, I was wrong. Over the weekend I spent an hour or so online looking at some baby boy themed nurseries and other things. While I online 'window shopped,' I felt okay emotionally, maybe even a little excited. However, that momentary peace and bliss was in deed only momentary. I'm not sure when it set in, but by the day after my online 'window shopping,' I was not okay and in fact I plummeted in a downward spiral of worries, fears, and sorrows. Long story short, at nearly 30 weeks, I'm still not ready to plan our baby boy's nursery or shop for all the items we may need for him. In fact, I'm not sure when I'll be ready... I'm starting to wonder if I ever will feel it. For now, I still have plenty of time before my due date rolls around, but just in case I'm not ready when baby is, all I can determine for now is that at some point I'll at least need to get the bare necessities ready and save everything else for later.

But don't worry, this post isn't all doom and gloom pregnancy updates... I have some of the fun stuff to share too.

So tomorrow I will be 30 weeks. My midwife continues to tell me that I'm measuring right where I should be, but I sometimes think I'm too small and others' commenting on my smallness doesn't help... But regardless, there are more times when I actually do feel huge for having 10 more weeks to go, but I like feeling huge and rocking the baby bump.

Last week the restless night's sleep kicked in, mostly as a result of not being able to get comfortable. Eventually I fall asleep after an hour or two when my body tires of rolling side to side every 5 minutes, but then right when I get a bit of sleep, my bladder awakens me, and I swear I'm spending more time going pee than sleeping (sorry if that's TMI). The wonderful thing about being awake so much at night is that I get to marvel in our baby boy's movements because that tends to be when he's most active (like a typical baby), which brings me to my next note about him.

Prior to my midwife appointment last week, baby's movements were mostly small and being felt down low; after hearing my midwife tell me it looked like I had an anterior placenta that explained why (apparently it's like having a pillow that cushions baby's movements and keeps me from feeling them as pronounced else where). However, the rest of the day after the appointment, I swear baby boy was awake and kicking all day long, and ever since last week he has been moving all over the place, and I'm feeling him all over the place (so I'm wondering if I really did/do have an anterior placenta or if it's moved already).

His movements lately are my greatest source of joy. Even when I'm struggling and having an emotionally difficult day with this pregnancy, I just love when I feel him kick - almost as though he's giving me his own reminder to stop worrying or being fearful and just rejoice in the present moment with him... love that.

I can tell he's starting to get big as just a few days ago we started being able to feel body parts! I don't remember this happening so soon with Hailey. Yesterday as my husband and I were watching a movie, I could feel him moving and rested my hand on my belly. I noticed that the left side of my belly had an extremely hard spot in comparison to the rest of the baby. I told my husband that I thought I was feeling a baby butt or back or something and had him feel as well. As we relished in that moment together, my husband continued to feel around my belly and not too far away he felt another little body part and had me feel it too. I'm not sure what we were feeling, a foot, a knee, who knows, but it was awesome... It was my first time feeling such a little part of our baby boy, and even though I'd felt Hailey like that when I was pregnant with her, I couldn't help from getting all giddy at marveling at such a strange and wonderful thing.

I continue to soak up each and every one of his movements and can't help but be comforted by them and rejoice in them. Today in fact I'm feeling him as I write, and he's finally, and noticeably, reached into my rib cage.

Oh, and I almost forgot, at my midwife appointment last week, while we were listening to his heartbeat he had the hiccups and I got to hear the hiccups mixed in with his heartbeat amplified by the machine... loved that. And he continues to have hiccups every now and then, something else that brings me a smile when I need it most.

In other pregnancy related things, I haven't started retaining water yet, although I feel as though various parts might start swelling at any time. My measure is my wedding ring. Last pregnancy my hands swelled so I had to wear my wedding ring on my necklace, so far this pregnancy I can still wear my wedding ring. However, the past couple of days my hands have started to feel a little different, really like they're going to start swelling, but so far my wedding ring is still fitting so that tells me I'm still good (although I know it's only a matter of time).

And last pregnancy I remember being warmer more (and usually I am someone who feels warm most of the time), but this pregnancy I am such a heater I had no idea it could be this bad. I thought making it through a pregnancy during the summer and fall in AL would prepare me for pregnancy and a due date in August in TN, but apparently not! As much as I try to be frugal and turn on the A/C only in extreme heat... I don't think that's going to be the case this summer. I think the A/C is going to be on 24/7 and will be my best friend this summer, although the electric bill will surely not.

Last but not least, several people close to us have asked on a occasion about our baby boy's name, well let me tell you he has one! And he's had one for awhile! We just aren't telling anyone. After getting way too many unwanted opinions last time when were picking Hailey's name (some of which led to me feeling frustrated or hurt), my husband and I agreed that we wouldn't reveal our baby boy's name until he's born. So sorry, if you want to know, you're just going to have to wait.

Alright, I think that's all the baby boy notes I have to share for today. I just want to end by asking for your continued prayers - both for my emotional and mental health (that I would be able to have faith and remain hopeful for our baby boy instead of overcome and paralyzed by fears and worries) and for our baby boy's health (that he would in fact be born healthy and that he would have no disorders or defects or complications, etc.). Thank you so much to all of you who keep us in your prayers.

Hailey's Hope Book Sponsorship

On behalf of Hailey's Hope, I am excited to announce our next endeavor. I recently came across this wonderful book (that I wish I had had when I was in the NICU with Hailey!) called Prayers from the NICU: A Mother's Devotional by Jeanna J. Plunkett.

After reading about it and viewing the advertisement for the book on YouTube (watch below), I knew this was something I wanted to try to include in our NICU care packages.

 

The author, Jeanna J. Plunkett, has agreed to offer our project a discount on the books. Each book is normally priced at $13.99 plus shipping, but she is offering us $10 per book plus free shipping with a minimum order of 25 books.

Because this item is not normally included in our care packages (which usually run us around $50 per package), Hailey's Hope is having a special book sponsorship drive. We need to go above and beyond to make this happen which is why we need your help!

For now, this sponsorship drive will continue until we have at least 25 books sponsored, but in the long term, I would love to be able to make this book a part of our regularly included items in our care packages.

If you or someone you know would like to become a book sponsor, please view the flier below or go to our event page on the Project Sweet Peas' website: Prayers from the NICU Book Sponsorship Drive.

 

If you have any questions, please email me: Kristin@projectsweetpeas.com

Thank you for considering helping us provide a NICU mom with one of these priceless books!

~

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God's people are in need, be ready to help them." Romans 12:12-13 NLT

Taste and See

Yesterday my husband and I took the opportunity to go to a local festival in our community that we saw advertised in a local magazine. Never having been strawberry picking before (and both us being strawberry lovers), I was excited to go H & S Farms annual Strawberry Jam.

Not knowing what to expect, never having been there before and the less than ideal rainy weather, I had my doubts that this little field trip of ours could turn out to be a total bust, but I hoped that it wouldn't disappoint.  And it didn't. The place was packed when we arrived - something I knew had to be a good sign.

We grabbed ourselves a basket and ventured far back into the strawberry fields away from the barn and away from the other pickers out braving the gloomy weather in hopes of finding the best strawberries - and we sure did! I'm not even sure we had to find a secluded location to do our picking to find such amazing strawberries - the fields seemed to be full of bright-red-perfectly-shaped-blemish-free strawberries.

I felt like a little girl in strawberry heaven. We were so tempted to start stuffing our mouths full of these decadent looking strawberries, but didn't because we felt that would be wrong of us. However, our moral code didn't keep us from taste testing one strawberry each.

In all honesty, I don't think that in my 26 years I have ever eaten a strawberry as sweet and juicy and simply AMAZING as the one I picked yesterday afternoon. That simple taste let us know how amazingly good the rest of the strawberries we were picking were going to be. When we arrived home with our pickings, we immediately rinsed them and started eating. If you know me, I am a food lover, but I've never really equated food to being so perfect and heavenly tasting, but let me tell you, these strawberries were simply heavenly.

And honestly, yes these little red strawberries made me think of Heaven and God's goodness, even here on Earth. How amazing is it that the Creator of the world gave us so many amazing tasting fruits and other foods? He could have just left it at bread and water, but he didn't... And I love looking at his creation, whether it's people or animals or mountains or strawberries and seeing him and his love and his goodness...

"Taste and see that the LORD is good" Psalm 34:8

I love that a simple strawberry can remind me of his goodness.

We all know that in my life lately I've experienced a lot of darkness and a lot of pain. To be able to say that God is good, not only when circumstances and things are good, but for me or anyone to say God is good in the midst of cancer or illness or death or grief... what more proof do you need to see that my Lord is who he says he is?

But I won't lie. Sometimes when things aren't good in my life, in those past dark periods and in those moments of darkness that continue to present themselves, it's still hard for me to see or understand how God is good given... But he is. His word tells me his. And I can't forget my own personal experiences that tell me he is. I have to remind myself that this world is also full of things he didn't intend for us originally - like death and pain. He doesn't like just as I don't like it.

While my life has been affected by tragedy and loss, there are days like yesterday and today that remind me of who my God is, and that is good. He may not have wanted the tragedy in my life to occur, but the world is a place of death and loss... and the wonderful thing I'm reminded about God is that he is also our Redeemer (Psalm 130:7, Job 19:25, Ephesians 1:7). Because of who he is and his goodness, I know he can and will redeem the pain and tragedy in my life. I'm not left alone in the pit of grief, and I'm not left alone to suffer or have the rest of my life be negatively impacted by that grief... He comes to save me and redeem the negative circumstances in my life that Satan would like to use to harm me. God is good, and I'm once again reminded that can and will use Hailey's life, my tragedy, my loss to fulfill his good purpose in this world, and I don't need to understand it. I need to trust it.

All I know, is that I am so thankful for all the moments in this life, whether they happen while I'm rejoicing at the sweet taste of the fresh strawberries I just picked or while my tears fall down my cheek from burying my daughter, that God allows me to taste and see that he is good. In those moments I feel closer to Him and Heaven than ever before. In those moments I wonder how so many in this world can choose to miss out on knowing the goodness and love of the God who created them... I can only pray today that you may also:

"Taste and see that the LORD is good" Psalm 34:8

I suffer from déjà vu

Confession: I keep having moments where I'm freaking myself out a little bit a lot... Moments where deja vu hits me, and instead of feeling odd or surreal, it feels all too real and scary and brings all those worries and fears back to the forefront of my mind.

I feel like I'm in the same place I was back in the fall of '09 only this time it's the spring of '11.

My belly is nice and round and ever growing... like last time.

I rejoice in the little movements I feel inside of me and at the the big movements I can feel as my hand rests on my protruding stomach... like last time.

My mind seems to instinctively wants to drift toward dreams of nursery designs and those moments every mom longs for, like of holding him for the first time... like last time with her.

My pregnancy occupies me. I'm letting it define me, and it's defining this stage of my life. Like last time.

I stay at home living my life as a housewife... like last time.

I don't seek employment because the timing is off with expecting the baby to come in a few months... like last time.

I don't make plans to seek a future commitment like employment because my dreams and plans are of being a stay at home mom... like last time.

Everything is so much the same as it was in the fall '09.

At this point in the pregnancy it seems to be progressing much the same as the first time. It's like deja vu.

And because of this deja vu... it leads me to freaking out. This spring '11 is so much the same as fall '09; what if this summer '11 turns into the same as winter '09?

It's not comforting that everything feels so much the same as last time. As I've said before, and I'll continue to say again and again, one of the worst parts of what happened with Hailey was that my world seemed perfect and hopeful and expected one thing to happen and then everything crumbled to pieces in an instant. I know all too well that a healthy pregnancy and a seemingly healthy baby during pregnancy does not equal a healthy baby at birth. I know that the things I hope and dream of with the future of my baby may never happen. I know still births happen. I know things like chromosomal disorders happen....

And then I start to freak out... It's very hard for me to find comfort and peace in this pregnancy despite the fact that everything seems to be going well... because that's what happened last time.  So much is the same, yet I don't want the same ending...

Only time will tell. Until then I need continual renewing of patience and trust in the Lord. And while it seems like nothing (not even continual reassurance from doctors and what not) can bring me comfort or peace during this pregnancy, I know that ultimately my peace and comfort must come from God. And I know that I just need to take this one day at a time despite all the efforts out there that make me wonder about the future.

Philippians 4:6-7

Mother's Day 2011

I've come to learn that there are many 'types' of mothers.

There are mothers who have (living) children of their own.

There are mothers who are pregnant and expecting.

There are mothers who have children they've adopted as their own.

There are mothers who have lost babies and lost children.

There are even mothers whose children have four legs and a tail.

And then there are those who have mother's hearts and desire nothing more than to be a mother in the first sense of the word, but can't for one reason or another. But they may still be mothers... Perhaps they've given birth to an idea or a project. Perhaps they take on the role of mothering to their neighbor's children, to relative's children, to students, to the babies in a church nursery. I think they are still mothers.

How do you define a mother? I suppose most choose one of the first few 'types' of mothers when they think of their definition. For me, I'm working on how I define myself as a mother, an identity that in 2009 I felt was given and taken away from me.

As I mentioned in my last post, perhaps this Mother's Day is easier for me because this year I fall under the category of expectant mom with a round protruding belly that makes it easy for others to identify my as a mother (at the mall today I had 3 strangers say something in reference to me having a Happy Mother's Day tomorrow, all because they saw my belly. I'm not going to lie, that recognition felt wonderful). However, as I've also mentioned before, I don't want to be recognized just as an expectant mom who some might assume to be a first time mom since they see no other child with me...

In a sense, I'm two types of moms, and I'll always be. That first type that I am, the babylost mother, is the hard one to be recognized as and hard to live as. But even though I am not celebrating this Mother's Day with my 17 month old little girl named Hailey beside me, I am still her mother.

Today, I'm celebrating being a mother of two, of one who has passed who I'm waiting to be reunited with in heaven and of one who I'm carrying inside of me waiting to meet. Today, I'm embracing my identity and incredible journey as two types of mothers, a babylost mother and an expectant mother.

To my two babies, I thank God for you both every day and for the time he has given me with each of you. I marvel at you and am completely in love with you. I may not be the typical mother to either of you right now, but I'm proud to be your mother nonetheless. I love you both more than words can describe. Love you always and forever, Your Momma

I have to finish by sharing some beautiful words that I've read this weekend in hopes of encouraging you today wherever you are:

To all women today, "happy Mother's Day. You may or may not have children....may or may not be married....but you are a woman in whom God has placed a 'nurturing' gene that reaches out to comfort and encourage. So celebrate the fact that God made you a woman...and He is for you." Mary Southerland

"Motherhood is deep, complex and mysterious.  Motherhood changes you — whether we have children to hold or mothers to embrace." Bonnie Gray

I also have to share this amazing article I read today called "How to Celebrate Grieving and Joy on Mother's Day" (can you tell why the article peaked my interest?) - It's a must read for everyone!

Happy Mother's Day! (especially to my own mom and mother-in-law) - Love you both!

Motherly thoughts...

If anyone's forgotten that Mother's Day is this Sunday, shame on them.I don't know how anyone could miss it with all the specials on TV shows and commercials on the radio or all the sales going on in the stores... But maybe it's just me because my radar picks these things up more than the average person (?).  Either way, I've had Mother's Day on the brain for most of the week, especially since last Sunday was International Babylost Mother's Day.

Last year Mother's Day was extremely difficult for me. In fact, I even stayed in bed and ditched church because I couldn't face them honoring the mothers in attendance - in my mind, I didn't think they'd count me because I don't look the part since my child is missing from the picture. However, this year, I'm not as afraid of it. Perhaps it's because the grief isn't as fresh. Perhaps it's because I have another child visibly growing in my belly for others to see. Perhaps it's both and a mixture of other things. What I do know is that I don't ever want Mother's Day to be sad holiday for me although I know it always has the potential to evoke that feeling when people (knowingly or not) forget to think of me as Hailey's mom on that day.

To help combat that this year I'm trying to focus more on how I view myself rather than caring about how or  hoping others view me as a mother. Therefore, I thought I'd write about a couple of motherly topics that I've seen come up in the past few days from a variety of places.

The first one is a cute, brief one taken from the status of a Facebook friend. (I didn't feel comfortable doing this on Facebook, but thought it would be fun and *this* is my safe place so I'll do it here.)

Name: Hailey Marie

Length of pregnancy: 39 weeks

Length of labor: (this is always a hard one for me - details are so fuzzy and when does it technically start?) Induced morning of  November 30th & continuing December 1st - water broke naturally (around 1p or 2p?) and what I consider "real" labor began and at 6:04pm  Hailey was born

Birth length: 18in

Birth weight: 6lbs

*Repost if you are a proud mommy*

Yet another source asked moms what their favorite part of being a mom is...

And for me, that's a question that has the potential of being very hard to answer as it makes me think of all the things I looked forward to as Hailey's mom but cannot do since she's gone and it's hard to *be* her mom in the present. But I can still answer it, it's just not like most moms might... My favorite part of being a mom was, is, and always will be the love that comes along with it that I never knew existed before... a love outside of yourself... a love that's selfless... a love that I've learned never goes away or dies even if your child does... a love that's indescribable... a love that has expanded me and changed me and who I am forever....



(That's a pic of Hailey in my belly :) )

I have some more motherly thoughts to write about... but I'll save those for another post. But before I go, I can't forget that I'm not just Hailey's mom anymore ... I'm a mom of two... Wow that sounds so strange (and awesome!) to say... But I am myself a mom of two currently... I'll always have Hailey even though she's not with us and I have our son who is with us in my belly... Wow, just have to say it again to myself, I am a mom of two...

Happy Babylost Mother's Day

Today, the first Sunday in May, May 1st, is recognized as International Babylost Mother's Day.

Personally, I appreciate that there is a special day set aside for mothers who have lost a child because most everyday I know that I personally don't feel recognized as being a mom and that is very difficult. However, while I appreciate having this separate day, I would much rather people remember and celebrate me on Mother's Day with the "regular" moms... Either way, today I am reminding myself that I am a mom. I am Hailey's mom. I will always be her mom and nothing will ever change that and nothing will ever change my love for her.

And today I am thinking of you out there who share the painful experience and identity of being a babylost mother. Today I lift you up in prayer to the Lord.

I pray that you would be recognized and celebrated today for being the special mother that you are.

I pray for you to allow God to be mending your broken heart as he's promised and wants to do.

I pray for you to find your wounds from grief healing.

I pray for love and peace to reign in your hearts today and every day.

I pray that you would know our Father's love as I do and the hope he offers to us.

I find no greater comfort in knowing that one day my baby and I will be together again, and until then, she is alive and well living in perfection experiencing a perfect love with our Father - and I hope you know this truth and find God's comfort in it too.

If you are reading this and you are not a babylost mother, but know one, please consider how you can encourage them today and lift them up in prayer.

[caption id="attachment_238" align="aligncenter" width="368" caption="My Miraculous Daughter"][/caption]

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

~Isaiah 61:1-4