A lesson in contentment

"...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" Philippians 4:1

Are you content with the circumstances of your life?

Being content when things are going your way is easy, but being content in the midst of hardship or suffering is beyond difficult as I have learned. Thankfully, I have also learned that a relationship with Christ which allows for the right perspective makes it possible to be content in all things, even after losing your child, your father, and discovering a new life and purpose in the aftermath.

I've mentioned it before that I have learned to be content with what happened to Hailey and my family. This post is more about me learning to be content with how I am using my time and understanding who I am now and what my purpose is.

It's about answering those questions that have been haunting me; the ones I hated people asking me only days after losing Hailey... you know the ones: what are you going to do now? are you going to teach again? and so on. I almost have let those questions eat away at me. As if what I was doing wasn't good enough. They made me feel guilty at times for not running out and finding a job right away after my hopes of being a stay at home mom were taken from me and I buried my daughter.

I know some of those questions and related comments came out of genuine concern for me as some people didn't want me just sitting at home all day being lonely and depressed, but not all of them came from that type of heart. Unfortunately I know too many people, family and friends, who frown upon stay at home moms and housewives in general. If you don't have a full time career, they see you as less then them or something. They won't admit openly that they think those things, but they do. I know it from their gossip and side comments about others.

Not only did the idea of what others thought of me for not working bother me, but so did several other related things. For instance, adjusting to a new way of life where I had more time than I knew what to do with was strange and hard. It was something that was foreign to me, and sometimes I let it bother me that I had nothing to do. At times I felt like I was living the life that I only thought possible when I'd be retired - doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted - and that made me feel guilty. As mentioned in earlier posts, I have been so used to being busy every second of the day and involved in too many things that suddenly I found myself not busy and not involved in much of anything. Even I defined who I was by my job title. Two years ago I was a teacher. A year ago I was going to be a stay at home mom. What was I now then? A housewife? Was that enough?

But yes it is enough. If that's what God wants. And so I learned to be content being a housewife and taking care of our dog. But only because that's what God wanted. My struggle in 'doing nothing' in the eyes of some isn't because I'm disobeying or going against God's plans for my life, it's because I more with what others thought and not being good enough in there eyes. Too often I have based my contentment on what others think, not what God thinks.

My prayer since Hailey died has always been for God to use me according to His purposes for my life. If he wanted me to become a full time teacher again, I would. If he wanted me to find a part time job somewhere, I would. If he wanted me to volunteer somewhere, I would. But if God was telling me he wanted me to relax and enjoy life, for some reason I wouldn't because society tells me that's wrong. But it's not and I'm finally realizing that God wanted me to do 'nothing' essentially for these past few months.

I needed the time for healing and to make it to the place where I am today - and God knew it. So I have learned to be content in taking time to heal instead of working. Those first few months were almost like a sabbatical for me that I'm only now realizing I took. It was a time of rest, healing, recovery... a time of drawing close to God, doing some soul searching, etc.

Then came the day in April when God put something new on my heart. When He told me it was time for something special for me to get involved in. When He put it on my heart to start a local project in memory of Hailey through Project Sweet Peas. I prayed for God to use my life according to His purposes, and this was the answer. He knew I was ready, and I needed it.

I've taken on Hailey's Hope almost like it's a full time job from home. But still, even after God continues to answer my prayers and use me, I battle with being discontent with my circumstances. Here I am, using my time wisely, serving others, doing something I really enjoy, yet I'm still discontent. Why? Because my mind constantly goes to my career path: teaching English full time.  And I think to myself, "What does donating gift bags have to do with teaching? shouldn't I only be doing things that I can put on my resume for when I apply for a teaching position?" And here comes the struggle with trying to define myself and my life.

But couldn't it be that God has plans other than teaching for me? And what about my 'resume' for God? After all, with Hailey's Hope I'm still using my time, my skills, and my resources to serve Him and His kingdom. God  has blessed me with more than the ability to teach, so isn't it possible that just maybe God doesn't want me to teach right now?  That He has given me this new 'task' and opportunity for me to shine and serve? After all, my goal behind teaching is the same as my goal behind becoming involved with Project Sweet Peas: to use my time and talents to serve God and others. So isn't it just possible that God has this in mind for me right now? Why is that so hard for me to accept?

I don't have it on my heart to teach or sub or tutor. But I do have it on my heart to devote everything I have to Hailey's Hope and helping others find hope during an experience that I have been through. With all of that said, I think I am finally learning to be content with what I'm doing with my life. For now this is where God wants me, and this is what I'm going to do.

So what am I doing now? Am I going back to teaching? I can comfortably and confidently answer those types of questions now:

I am a project leader for Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas. I am organizing the donation of over 20 bags to be delivered in June to over 20 families who have babies in NICUs so that they can be provided with a touch of comfort and hope during a difficult time. And I will continue to be organizing fundraisers, gathering donations, and delivering donated gift bags to families with babies in the NICUs. I am also happy to be extending my involvement with Project Sweet Peas by managing their blog. And now I do not plan on going back to teaching full time any time soon.

As for where I will be in a few more months, we'll just have to wait and see where God takes me...could be the same thing, could be working as a part time substitute teacher, could be working on continuing our family... only God knows. And I am okay with that.

Pictures, Pain, Passion

(Writer's note: Don't miss the end...)

Do you know how many pictures you have of your child? Or maybe if you don't have children, do you know how many you have your significant other?

Your answer is probably no I'm guessing.

But do I know how many pictures I have of Hailey?

Unfortunately, my answer is yes.

I have 785 pictures that have to do with Hailey - from pregnancy pictures to baby showers to ultrasound pictures to actual pictures of her. Every single picture ever taken (even the ones with my eyes closed or that didn't turn out just perfect) - 785 total. Which means that I have less than 785 pictures of just her - and if I wanted to, I could go through them all and count to find the number of ones that are just of her.

I spent Tuesday evening and most of Wednesday putting all of Hailey's pictures in a photo album so that they could all be in one place. Well not exactly a traditional photo album, but a photo book that I created online through Shutterfly. I chose to make a photo book instead of a traditional photo album for a couple of reasons. First, I have made two photo books in the past, and I love them! Second, can you imagine 785 4x6 pictures in a photo album? It would be huge, and I doubt anyone makes one photo album to hold that many pictures! Hailey's photo book is 12x12" and has 81 pages total with anywhere from 16 to 3 pictures on a page. So the photo book was the perfect option to please my creative desires for all of her pictures, and it was the only really practical choice.

Knowing how many pictures I have of my child is strange. Knowing I have seen every single picture ever taken of her is also strange. Strange and sad. But I am thankful I even have that many. I am thankful I took pictures of my growing belly when I was pregnant because if I would have miscarried Hailey as happens to so many Trisomy 18 babies I wouldn't have had any pictures 'of her.' And I am thankful that even though 785 seems like such a small number to me - in this world of digital photography where you can so easily take thousands upon thousands of pictures of anything - really 785 is a lot higher of a number than some other moms have of their babies. For instance, my cousin who started her own photography business this year shared a story of a fellow photographer who stood in as the photographer for a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep session. She captured the life of a beautiful Trisomy 18 baby who lived for 7 hours in 80-90 photographs.  Those are the only pictures that that mother has of her son. Suddenly I am reminded as to how blessed we are to have had 36 days with Hailey and to have hundreds of pictures of her.

I've mentioned this before, but looking at pictures of Hailey can be frustrating for me at times. If I compare a handful of pictures of her, she looks like a different baby in each. There are only an elite few that stand out and reflect how Hailey actually looked to me. To me, her mom, many of the pictures don't even look like her. I don't know why, but I swear the camera had a hard time capturing what Hailey looked like in person. Only a few managed to do that. So it's frustrating at times when I see a picture of her and know she looked so much cuter than that in person. So this time going through her pictures I had the same frustrations at times.

But more so than ever before, viewing her pictures this time brought different thoughts to my head. For the first time, when looking at myself, I saw so much joy that I didn't understand it. I am not crying in the pictures the first time I saw her because I didn't cry the first time I saw her even though my heart was devastated inside. I might cry now when I look back at those pictures, but I didn't in the moment that the picture captured. In 98% of the pictures of Hailey, I see a smile on my face, a happiness, a joy, only things that a new mother could feel and express. Despite what my baby looked like, despite her being air lifted to a NICU and being in the hospital for 8 days, despite the fact that our baby had a disorder that made her incapable of living... despite all the fears and sorrows... they don't appear in the pictures... because when I was with Hailey I was happy. And there was a delicate balance of joy and sorrow every day we had her and still is every day since she's passed. And I realized that somehow I managed to minimize the fears and sorrows and magnify the joy and love so that in all the pictures that is all you will see. And I am so thankful I managed to do that.

Looking at some of the pictures taken by NILMDTS, I saw myself holding Hailey with a gigantic smile on my face. And a part of me thought I am like a smiling fool. What am I doing with that huge grin plastered to my face as these pictures were taken a day after we learned our baby was going to die by this photographer who was there only because our baby was going to die? Yes I had to try hard to smile, but my smile was real nonetheless. And I did it because of these days now. When the pictures were being taken, I knew there would be a time when Hailey would be gone and they would be all I had left of her, and I wanted to remember being happy with her and celebrating her life. And when I look at the pictures now that she is gone and I see the smiles, it makes me feel so comforted and it helps me find the reasons to continue to celebrate her.

Since I have joined this unspoken, invisible 'group' of women who have lost a baby, I have become all too aware of the experiences that accompany this type of loss. I have seen so many pictures of babies who were born stillborn or only lived hours or days and the family members in the pictures are captured in their devastation and sobbing. That is their personal story, and I am in no way judging them, but I am glad I don't have any of those with Hailey. The sobbing happened and it's real and not to be ignored or undermined, but I am glad I made sure that all of the captured moments were full of joy.

Never before this year have I felt and thought so much about joy and sorrow and how they go hand in hand, and it really is quite the learning experience. I am currently reading a book called Strong Women, Soft Hearts, and it is wonderful. It is not about grief or child loss or anything specific to me other than that I am a woman, and it is written for women. But in reading it, sometimes it speaks beautifully to my specific, healing, broken heart. Here are a few passages that particularly stood out to me that I wanted to share with you:

"...to accept the unavoidable aspect of pain - the gap between what seemed meant to be and what was. I had this mental image of how my life should be, a painting on the wall of my mind. And try as I might, I could not get reality to match the dream."

"...you know you're an adult when you start to realize that some sorrows in life will never go away. You learn to carry them with you in ways that enrich rather than debilitate your life, in ways that make you wise. But the dark and knubby places in the fabric, the tapestry of your life, remain."

"If you want to know real joy in life, then be willing to let pain tutor your soul. Passion in life is comprised of the stuff that comes from the tutoring process - slowly and mysteriously...the root of this word passion gives us significant clues as to how we acquire it. It means "to suffer." It's as though some wise old soul was trying to let us in on a little secret. So...you are interested in the passionate life. You want the real thing. Are you will, then, to grapple with a bit of pain?"

For the most part I will let these quotes stand on their own and speak for themselves. But I will say in regards to the last two that these are things I am learning and are ways that I am growing. And I think the passion quote fits my life pretty well right now and explains some of what I've been feeling lately (like with the other posts about feeling free and trying new things, etc.). Even though my pain can be excruciating and I would do anything to trade the pain to have Hailey back and healthy, having known her and lost her is tutoring my soul, shaping me into a better person who is passionate about life. Appreciating life, feeling joy in deeper ways, and having this passion for life comes at a cost as mentioned... but I am thankful to be learning and growing and changing and not becoming debilitated...

In closing, I'll leave you with a never before seen (except by the eyes of my mom's, Josh's, and my own) picture of Hailey. This one is Hailey as I knew/ know her. This is Hailey how I want to remember her and envision her always. Resting in my arms looking like her. Enjoy. I know I do. :)

 

So with all of that all being said, I can't wait to see her photo book. I should receive it in the mail in a few weeks and I will let you all know how it turns out.

Hailey's Hope:1 Week Left!

One week from today is June 1st, which is our deadline for Hailey's Hope's first set of gift bag donations to the NCIUs at The Children's Hospital in Birmingham, AL.

I am so excited to share this latest update with you all!

Since my last update we have received several more monetary donations including donations from family members, friends, OCF members, teachers at the grade school I attended where my mom works as a teacher, and from one of my best friends and her family.

I am pleased and confident to announce that with 1 week left, we will be able to meet our goal of 20 bags! Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed for us, supported us, and donated to our project. Thanks to you, we are going to be able to touch the lives of over 20 families who have babies in NICUs. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

This is where we stand as of today with 1 week left:

• Total mount of money raised: $1,729.00!!


• Total number of individual items donated: 81!!


• Total number of bags filled and completed: 3


• Estimated amount of bags to be filled with donation money: Over 16!

If you do the math you will see that we will be able to donate at least 20 bags! And I'm hoping to be very thrifty with the money donated by purchasing in bulk, shopping around for deals online and deals in stores, and even hitting up the dollar stores I will stretch every dollar while still keeping the brand new items in the bags classy and beautiful. So by being smart with the money that has been so generously given to Hailey's Hope, I hope to bring more than 20 bags to the NICUs!

Now, if you still haven't given to Hailey's Hope and you would like to be a part of this first round of gift bags, you have 1 week left to get your donation to me. If you cannot make the June 1st deadline, please don't let that keep you from giving - as I've said before - Hailey's Hope is not just a one time thing, we will be continually giving gift bags to the NICUs throughout the rest of this year! More information to come on that later...

Thank you and blessings to you all!

~Hailey's Momma and Project Leader of Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas

Pair of Shoes Poem

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

I came across this poem today on a new ministry and blog I came across: Anchored by Hope. I think it describes the way women who have suffered from loss of a child often feel (I certainly have felt this way and sometimes still do), and I personally have always loved the walking in someone else's shoes metaphor - even taught lessons on it when I taught 8th grade language arts. But back to the poem, I wouldn't say that I consider my shoes as ugly or describe it as hate. But there have been moments I have felt that way. In a sense the progression of the shoe's description in the poem mirrors the progression of my journey through grief. It starts off in that ugly place. Then after awhile, you learn your situation is not unique - you may feel that it is, but it really is not. I personally have been learning that a lot lately. It's amazing and sad at the time how many women have suffered from infant loss like myself and how many more have suffered 'worse' losses than myself with multiple losses and miscarriages and so on. And everyone's walk in the shoes is different as the poem states. I have seen others who have lost a child remain in a very dark place full of pain day in and out. I have seen others, and like to classify myself in this group, who can look past the hurt, become stronger, braver, etc. But the fact remains, and it's a fact I find hard to deal with sometimes, once you've lost a child you will forever walk in those shoes. Nothing will ever change that about you...