Welcoming Isaiah

Today was supposed to mark me being 39 weeks pregnant and was supposed to be when I wrote my update about that... But the little man decided to make his entrance early, so I am sharing his birth story.

On Saturday night (July 19th), at 10:30pm we finished watching a Redbox movie and started to get ready for bed... And totally unexpectedly, and just in time for me to miss out on a good night's rest, my water broke! I called my midwife group and after almost 2 hours of trying to get ahold of them with no success, we made the decision ourselves to head to the hospital (because we live an hour away and this was my third baby, which everyone told me would come faster). Thankfully we had a good friend we could call that late at night, and she came over and stayed with Isaac. 

When we arrived at OB Triage, they confirmed my water had broken, and they monitored baby and my contractions. My contractions had been mainly mild and intermittent, but at one point they were regular, coming every few minutes. Unfortunately when they finally checked me at 2am, I was only 3cm dilated and not enough was going on to admit me. But because my water had broken, this was my third time giving birth, we lived an hour away, I was dilated and having some contractions, they kept me walking around the hospital for two hours to recheck me to see if I made progress. 

Unfortunately 4am rolled around, they rechecked me, and no more progress. Since, again, we lived an hour away and had a toddler who would be waking up to start his day a couple of hours later, and we had had no sleep, we decided to check into a nearby hotel and try to get some rest and stay close by in case of any sudden progression. We were told we had 24 hours after my water broke until they would have to admit me regardless of contractions, etc. and would have to look at inducing. We managed a couple hours of sleep and had a little bit of breakfast at the hotel. Nothing else had changed so we decided to spend the rest of the day at home with our son, relieve our friend, and then would head back to the hospital when we needed to - and that's what we did. 

So it was now Sunday, July 20th, in the afternoon, we did some things around the house, went to Publix to pick up some needed grocery items to hold us over, and spent some time together as a family. That evening I made my husband get me eggplant Parmesan (without the cheese), drank raspberry tea, and took some evening primrose oil in hopes of helping myself along (all things I did the day before Isaac came on his own). After we enjoyed dinner together as a family, we went on a walk around the neighborhood together (again hoping to help myself along). By the time Isaac's bedtime rolled around nothing had noticeably changed so we called our next friend to come over and stay with Isaac while we headed back to the hospital so they could admit me at 10pm just before my 24 hour window was done. 

So we arrived at the hospital again but directly to be admitted instead of triage. The place was packed, and we waited an hour before getting a room. Eventually around midnight after monitoring me and checking me, I had made no changes so they induced me with pitocin to get labor started so that I didn't run into any complications for myself or baby. 

Isaac was a completely natural birth from start to finish, but Hailey was an early induction so I had a bad history of hating Pitocin (aka labor on steroids). Thankfully they started me on a low dose and my contractions started; they had to keep upping the dosage however. And while I was not confined to the bed, I was strapped to monitors and an IV which is never fun and worst of all I couldn't labor in the shower which I think helped the most with Isaac's labor. 

At 3:20am on July 21st I was dilated 4cm and effaced 80%. At 5:30am I was dilated to 5cm and 90% effaced and my contractions were intense and working. Thankfully they lowered my pitocin and eventually took me off to see if my body would kick in on it's own. This was a wonderful, welcomed relief, and I jumped in the hot shower for 30 minutes. Unfortunately when they checked me again around 7:30am they had to put me back on pitocin but a much lower amount since my progress had stalled. My labor grew increasingly painful and intense (as it should). 

Around 10am I was completely effaced and 9cm dilated, but wearing very thin due to no sleep, no food, and my labor on steroids . At this point it was Monday morning and I hadn't slept more than a few hours total since Friday night (that boils down to a few hours of sleep in almost a 60 hour time period) and had had no food in 12 hours. Although my birth plan and goal was natural again and knew I could do it since I had already done it once before, I was to the point physically were I asked for some interventions to finish Isaiah's birth. 

After some welcomed relief and continuing to labor, my urge to push finally came at 11am. Thanks to the wonderful coaching and support of my husband and midwife, the experience of giving birth to Isaiah was amazing. At 11:14, our son, Isaiah John Vanderlip, was finally here! After almost 10 months of wondering and waiting, we had all our answers, Isaiah was healthy and perfect. The relief, joy, peace, bliss, etc. that we experienced at meeting and holding our healthy son is indescrible.

So our second rainbow baby, Isaiah, was born 8 days early, on July 21, 2014, weighing 7lbs 1.5 oz, measuring 20.5 inches.

38 Weeks Update

How far along: 38 weeks

(Selfie taken a couple of days ago.)

Baby Size: Books say he might be the size of a pumpkin (6-7lbs, 18-20 in).

In other related news, at my last appointment my midwife thinks he is head down but "sunny side up" - which is not the best position for me me during labor so I'm doing some exercises to try to rotate him. I personally think he keeps trying to wiggle his body in any position he chooses no matter how difficult. We'll see how he ends up!

Stretch marks: Still there being stretched. Growing itchy.

Sleep: Not much due to increased itching and my inability to get comfortable. 

Best moment this week: Too many to choose. We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary on July 6th (over a week ago) and enjoyed a fancy dinner and carriage ride around Nashville. Lately I've just been soaking up the time as we relax and have fun together as a family. Isaac's been really cute talking more and more about Isaiah and asking questions about him. 

Looking forward to: My next appointment with my midwives (next week) and seeing if I'm progressing at all. And for my mom coming next week. 

What I miss:  Sleeping on my stomach... and not itching. :P

Movement: Same as last time I posted. Some big pokes and jabs. Feels like they are decreasing a bit, but every time I start to feel worry creep up on me, he will get moving.

Food cravings: Root beer float (craving met). Cheese pizza (craving not met, starting to miss dairy).

Labor Signs: None ? :(  Maybe a random practice contraction every now and then. I once thought he'd come early, now I feel he's going to stay put awhile. Who knows but God. 

Symptoms: Fatigue, itching

Wedding rings on or off? Seem to be mostly off these days. Boo.

Mood: Feeling mostly content still, but also starting to feel more anxiety over an array of things from going into labor before family comes to help with Isaac to labor itself to how Isaac will adjust. And fears are coming forward over something being wrong with him, him not making it home, losing him like we lost Hailey, etc. Not a fun battle. 

I came across this post today and felt I could have written it. Many similarities (other than the migraines). In some ways it's comforting to know I'm not the only one on this type of journey: http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/07/underlying-fear-pregnancy-loss/

Musings of a Baby Loss and Rainbow Baby Momma at 37 Weeks

Today I am 37 weeks and a few days. Isaiah's due date is 20 days away. And here comes a post of open sharing and some vulnerability as my emotions and mind whirl about anticipating Isaiah's arrival.

My pregnancy with Hailey could be defined by innocent naivete and joy. When her birth went horribly wrong, and we received the worst news possible, that she was going to die and soon, our life with our first born became a grief-stricken nightmare that forever changed us.

My pregnancy with Isaac was riddled with fear and anxiety. The innocence, naivete, and joy had been taken from me. It was a daily battle to find joy and hope in the midst of knowing we were not guaranteed a healthy baby boy at the end of my pregnancy. But, when it was time for his birth, it went wonderfully right. It was literally perfection, and he was perfection. In our new life with him we found a joy we didn't know existed.

My pregnancy with Isaiah, in terms of my emotions and thoughts, has been very different than my prior two and influenced by both. In all three pregnancies, my babies have appeared healthy all along, but with my first two we had completely different outcomes. We had worst case and best case. Because of Hailey, I have treasured every moment of being pregnant this time, knowing that every day I heard his heart beat or every time I felt a flutter or a kick, could be the last. Instead of being sad about that, I cherished it, in awe of my third child and the next miracle God was creating in me.

I don't think I would have cherished it as much had I not been thrust into the NICU and baby loss world and grown from our experience. God allowed my heart and mind to get to a place of peace and trust with Isaiah's pregnancy I hadn't known before but so desperately wanted when I was pregnant with Isaac. I'm fully aware and appreciative of the fact that Isaiah is God's creation, God's masterpiece, whether he has Trisomy 18 or 21 or a birth defect or whether something unknown leads to a miscarriage or stillbirth or whether he is completely healthy and lives to be 100 years old... Whatever the outcome of his life, I am in a place where I willingly, trust, and accept it all. Isaiah's life is in God's hands.

Because of Isaac, I have a seed of hope planted within me that Isaiah could be a healthy baby boy. I have experienced this once and can experience it again as well. The combination of cherishing moments with my baby boy every step of this pregnancy and the seed of hope I have, my pregnancy with Isaiah has gone by with a great sense of peace that is only attributed as a gift from God. And I am so very thankful.

However, as time slows down, as my due date grows near, (as I mentioned in a prior post), I sense the growing battle in my mind with an enemy who wants to steal my peace and joy and fill me with fears and doubts. And so I will be armed with God's Word to help me in my battle.

But lately there is a new facet to this story I hadn't fully anticipated. And that's our son Isaac. Naturally, we are doing our best to prepare him for the huge transition of welcoming a baby into our family. Thankfully from the start he has been excited and positive about having a baby brother. I've loved every minute of watching him already play the part of big brother. From the first time we all heard Isaiah's heart beat and him loving hearing it and talking about it, from him holding a stethoscope to my belly and pretending to listen to Isaiah's heart beat, to the countless adorable things he says about Isaiah, to helping prepare Isaiah's nursery, to helping pick out Isaiah's car seat and clothing, to him feeling Isaiah move and feeling Isaiah's hiccups and watching his eyes light up in wonder, to everything... I just love observing the sweet big brother he already is. He has innocent anticipation and excitement and hope for baby Isaiah to arrive into the world.

This week we've reached a new level of big brotherhood that involves numerous, almost never ending conversations started by Isaac about Isaiah. Perhaps it was prompted by the new books we bought him about becoming a big brother or the fact that we're talking about Isaiah more as my due date nears, but whatever it is, he has become incredibly interested in Isaiah. He wants to know where Isaiah is in my belly, so I point to the different parts of my belly and tell him where Isaiah's feet, butt, back, and head are - he loves it. (He giggled when he realized Isaiah is "upside down.") He is sort of obsessed with Isaiah's sonogram pictures, wanting to always see them and know what is what in the picture, where are Isaiah's eyes, mouth, hands, etc.... And we talk about all of these things repeatedly throughout the day. I'm always amazed by how much he understands, and it's all incredibly sweet and adorable.

And this is the new facet that I hadn't anticipated with Isaac's role of becoming a big brother. We're letting him have his innocent joy and excitement and hope. I talk to him like I can't talk to myself, as though we are promised a healthy baby to bring home. We haven't held back at all. Only now am I really thinking about the fact that if something is wrong or goes wrong, it won't only affect my husband and I, it will affect Isaac too. Being in the baby loss world, I know of many families who have lost babies and already had children. The children grieve too. The parents have to grieve the loss of their baby and help their other children grieve as well.

{Sigh...}

But I can't take away Isaac's hope. And I can only ask that God would prepare his heart for whatever happens...

But I can't imagine how much more my heart would break if something were to happen and Isaac wouldn't have his little brother or have a healthy little brother. How would we explain it, how sad would he be... It's a whole new ball game. (Sorry for the lame, shallow cliche but sometimes words just fail in things like this). I know we'd all get through it and God would help provide for all of us.... But, oh my is it hard.

So this new facet and realization has just added to the battle going on in my mind. I can only pray for Isaiah's health and birth and ask God for this dream I've dared to dream to come true, and hope for Isaac to have a healthy little brother and pray God works in his little heart to prepare him for whatever change is about to happen in his world.

And in the mean time as I pray, I will continue to cling on to hope, cherish my time pregnant with Isaiah, and cherish watching Isaac in his role as big brother already.