Isaac & Hailey

(Written Sunday night)

Well life continues on... And my blogging continues to fall behind. Finding time to sit down at my computer and write is nearly impossible, heck holding onto a thought long enough to write it down is nearly impossible these days since I've become so scatter brained. But I miss blogging a lot so right now let me share with you how I am writing this ...

I am trying to put Isaac to sleep so he is in my left arm being supported by my boppy while I rock him and hold his paci in his mouth with my right hand so that leaves my left hand free... Therefore in writing this by holding my phone in my hand and typing it with my thumb, which is now actually beginning to cramp...

But anyway. Our new family is doing well. Isaac is no longer so fussy or crying inconsolably from pain since we're now dealing with his reflux and food allergies. We continue to learn about each other and what he likes and dislikes. The only issue we're tackling is his lack of sleep and just not being a good sleeper. But we are all functioning well and starting to get out of the house more and more little by little so that feels good.

Today Isaac turned 7 weeks old. I'm absolutely in love with his smiles and giggles and baby talk. He enjoys his bouncy chair and play gym. He likes to look in mirrors a lot. He's finally starting to grab onto things. Last night he took his first bottle of breastmilk from his dad and did awesome (although it made me a little sad). He's learning and growing so fast. I love it! I rejoice in him every day and try to pour on as much love and care as I can... In fact sometimes I feel myself giving him a double dose of love for him and his sissy in heaven (if that's possible or makes sense).

He's still and will forever be my dream come true... My rainbow baby as some baby lost mothers would say... There continue to be times where he feels too good to be true...

I can really send his birth announcements? I can really decorate his nursery? I can really take him to the store with me? I can really buy him bigger clothes because he continues to grow? I can really buy him toys because he's learning skills that enable to play with them?

I can go on and on... Asking myself those questions and answering affirmatively feels so amazing and brings so much joy I can't describe it. I am so thankful for it.

The best moment came a few weeks ago when we took our first trip to Babies R Us post pregnancy with him. That was the first time it sank in that I did indeed have a baby to buy for. I could buy those cute little baby Nikes I just sawed and oohed and aahed over if I wanted to for him. I could buy all the outfits that are just too cute and adorable instead of just admiring and hoping. I finally can fulfill many of my dreams and that day I was just giddy with delight in the store. I love it. I love him. And those are such understatements.

But I continue to miss his sister in different ways now as we do life with him...

The other night as I rocked him to sleep I thought of her but I couldn't picture her. I sat looking at Isaac thinking of how he reminds me of her and suddenly I couldn't separate them. Then I couldn't picture her. I was forgetting what she looked like, what she sounded like ... It was as though my present with Isaac was wiping away or replacing my past memories of her... And I began to softly weep... I couldn't picture her. I tried to think back to a specific memory and imagine her face and couldn't. I started to grieve harder and harder in that moment. The ache of missing her gained back its intensity, and I did all I could do which was sit there and rock my baby boy in the night and look at the pictures of Hailey from the Facebook album on my phone... I needed to see her and I couldn't do it on my own. So I sat looking at many pictures of her but honestly found myself skipping a lot because I couldn't bear to remember some of the memories... Eventually the tears stopped as they always do, but the void she left forever remains.

We quickly approach her second birthday and while more and more time passes, we continue to grieve and will every day for the rest of our lives... But the hard thing remains feeling alone in it as everyone else goes on without her.

I want to do another large delivery for Hailey's Hope on her birthday like I did last year but I'm having trouble fundraising and getting support. This year her birthday delivery will be special because Isaac will be there. He will start to learn about his sissy and see the hospital she was in. But it will be extra emotional having him there... So I'm going to start praying now that her birthday delivery will be everything I hope and that we will be able to celebrate her life like I want to.

Can I Keep You?

(Disclaimer: Sad Post)

Today is a significant day and because of that I'm making it a priority to write this post. Yes today is significant because it's the 10 year anniversary of September 11th, but I am not going to write about that.

Today Isaac is 5 weeks old. Not as significant as his one month birthday this past week, which I wanted to write a post on but didn't have the time for of course, but today his being 5 weeks old is significant to my heart because of his sister.

I remember back to the day Hailey turned 5 weeks old, and what I didn't know then that I know now is that it would be our last day with her. We would wake up the next day, Hailey being 5 weeks 1 day old and find that she had passed away some time while we were sleeping that morning.

Every time I hold him I think of her. Today every time I hold him, I can't help but put him in Hailey's place... I can't help but imagine that today would be our last day with him. Of course, I can't go to that place of thought for long otherwise I would become much too depressed today. But nonetheless, today I remember Hailey as I look at Isaac and as I look at Isaac I pray that today would not be our last with him and that we would have many many many more to come.

There have been many times over the past few weeks where I can't help but be afraid to lose him too, where I can't help but look lovingly upon him and think he's too good to be true. I literally ask Isaac, "Can I keep you?" and I ask God, "Can I keep him?"

The week before last, when I was still being extremely sleep deprived, any time I had a minute of shut eye, I would dream some crazy dreams. One night in the very early hours of the morning, Isaac had fallen asleep finally and so it was my turn. Unfortunately, I would rather not have fallen asleep. I dreamed the worst nightmare I had ever dreamed before. And one of the most horrible things about it was that like all of my sleep deprived dreams it was entirely too realistic and often based on something that was really happening that day. So this dream was not only horrific but felt extremely real and was occurring as though it was happening in real time.

In my nightmare, I awoke to find Isaac with his eyes closed and limp, thinking he was finally in a deep sleep only to realize he in fact wasn't breathing... and he had died in his sleep. Without going into all the details that followed in my dream because they are too graphic and sad, in my nightmare I essentially went through all the motions and emotions that I went through the day Hailey died. I awoke from my dream crying which turned into a hysterical cry because it felt so real, and my emotions were extremely real. Thankfully it was time for me to nurse Isaac so I was able to kiss and cuddle him and be assured that he was okay. While I nursed him I prayed against continued bad dreams; however, the next time I was able to fall asleep that morning my nightmare picked up right where it left off, and I was dreaming about planning his funeral...

I wonder if these types of nightmares are something other parents experience who have lost a child and go on to have a healthy child or already do have other living children...

So today, remembering that the last day I spent with Hailey was when she was 5 weeks old which is how old Isaac is today, I'm a little saddened of course, but more so I'm trying to use the remembrance to embrace and love on Isaac and others since we never know when that last day may come.

Hopefully next time I have a chance to write I can write a more upbeat post about Isaac and our life together like I've been wanting to. Until then, as you remember and never forget September 11th, let that day and this post and our experience with our daughter remind you to do the same: embrace and love on the people in your life because you never know when it will be your last day to do so...

 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Isaac, 1 Month

Dear Isaac,

You are a month old today! It's so hard to believe how quickly the time has gone by already. I thought I'd write you a little note to tell you a little bit about you and our life together so far.

First of all, I love you to pieces, and you bring me so much joy.

You are quite the strong little fellow. We've been trying tummy time lately, but you don't seem to like it too much yet although you can lift your head and turn it fairly well. You have pretty much outgrown your newborn outfits - those that we still have you wearing are a wee bit too tight so for the most part you have graduated to your 3 month outfits. At your latest trip to the pediatrician you weighed 9lbs 12 oz. You've been to the pediatrician on several occasions, once for your check up at a few days old, once for your 2 week check up where you received your first vaccine, once not too long after to see what was going on with your extreme fussiness at which point we figured you were probably intolerant to mommy eating dairy and egg products, and the last time was in regards to your fussiness as well at which point we were wondering if you had a little bit of acid reflux so we decided to try you on some medicine to see if it helps you for that. You've also seen a chiropractor twice in hopes that would help you would feel better too. Trust me, mommy and daddy have done everything we can to make you a happier baby.

You've been quite the challenge for mommy and daddy to figure out, but we continue to learn about you and your needs and what you're signaling to us. You spent more time than I'd like to say crying and fussing and not sleeping, which again we eventually attributed to tummy problems (so we put you on gas relief drops), dairy/ egg intolerance (so mommy cut those out of her diet), and possibly reflux (so we put you on some medicine like I mentioned and started putting you to sleep in a special inclined chair or in your swing which is also on an incline). Some days you would be awake for 7 hours straight and barely sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time. Those days made mommy very sleep deprived.

Thankfully we've been making progress together. You sleep an average of 12 hours a day (which is on the low end for how much most babies typically sleep) and you sleep anywhere from 1-3 hours at a time - leaving mommy still sleep deprived but not as much. It's possible that you just don't sleep a lot, but it's more likely that you have trouble calming yourself and soothing yourself to sleep. You tend to fall asleep nursing, and I continue to rock you for about 20 minutes until you're into your deep sleep before I put you down. You love being held, walked around in someone's arms, rocked in someone's arms, and rocked in the rocking chair. Sometimes when you're fussing you like to be put on my shoulder and just hang out there resting for a bit. Sometimes mommy would sing you lullabies or various worship songs. I sing you that mockingbird song and you are my sunshine a lot - so glad you can't critique my awful voice yet - I wonder how long until you tell me you can stand my singing! For a long time you were very upset any time you were awake and not in someone's arms, which made life a little difficult when mommy was by herself taking care of you. We also gave you a pacifier once it was clear you had taken to nursing well. Mommy was very nervous to give you a paci, but we did and that has helped you a lot too - you love to suck on it and it helps kick in your calming reflexes.

As far as bath time is concerned, you love it. We take family baths together in the big tub. One of us is with you in the bath and holds you while the other washes you.

Recently things have been going better (probably because Grandma Cetty came to help). You seem to be more on a schedule but not quite. You tend to sleep for about 1-3 hours, wake up for a changing, nurse (maybe have a burp or change mid-way through), and fall asleep nursing. During the day you tend to have one or two wide awake periods that can last a few hours (sometimes you stay awake too long and then get crabby because you're over tired). Recently you started liking your bouncing seat more and don't mind being put down to be played with instead of being in someone's arms.