Hailey's with God, God's hand is on my heart

I didn't think I'd be able to write today, but here I am.

Today I mourn over my daughter's death one year ago, but I mourn more for our lives here without her. I realized that this week I've focused almost too much on this side of losing her. It reminded of the truth found in one of the quotes I highlighted when reading the book The Shack: “When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of [God]” (p. 96).

Thankfully, the comforting words of family and friends have served as a reminder of something my heart almost seemed to forget over these past few days... A year ago today wasn't just the last day of my daughter's life. Today doesn't just mean that I spent one year without her. Today is also the one year anniversary of Jesus welcoming Hailey into his arms. And so today I rejoice in the ultimate truth and comfort that Hailey is truly at home in the place we're all designed for, living in perfection with our Lord.

I'm reminded of the wonderful comfort I found in the lyrics of the song we played at Hailey's memorial service, the song that's kind of become our anthem, and again of the book The Shack which profoundly impacted me during my second reading of it in light of Hailey's death. I rejoice in the truths of the lyrics from Steven Curtis Chapman who shares in the experience of losing a daughter... I rejoice that one day I will join her Heaven and she'll take my hand and lead me to You and we'll both run into Your arms. I also rejoice in trying to imagine what Hailey and my Lord might be doing at this very moment in heaven, and I picture a similar scene as described in The Shack when a dad is given a glimpse of his daughter in heaven: “It was Jesus playing in the middle of his children. Without hesitation, [his daughter] leaped into his arms. He swung her around twice before putting her back on her feet, and then, everyone laughed before hunting for smooth stones to skip across the surface of the lake. The voicing of their joy was a symphony to [her dad's] ears, and as he watched, his tears flowed freely” (p. 168). And so do mine right now... in a way that only a believer whose lost her child can...

And so today, I felt the need to write and let you all know that the pain and sorrow of Hailey's death are there of course, but God's light and joy keep shining through in so many different ways.

I've cried a few short times so far today... But the tears are not so much out of agony and the unbearable pain of missing her as they've been most of the week. Today they are mostly out of that indescribable joy Jesus allows me to find in the what seems to be the worst experience of my life. And I have to tell you all, today has probably been the best day of my week so far. But I will also admit that the worst time was almost going to bed last night. Had I not had my husband and my other best friend, our dog, there in bed with me there's no doubt that I would have been a grieving, weeping, sobbing mess. But thankfully God has blessed me with a lot of love and comfort in them.

Anyway, let me tell you why last night was harder than today... Because I thought back to one year ago last night. It was the last time I saw my daughter, held my daughter, kissed my daughter, told her I loved her. And my mother guilt hit hard. A year ago last night, I selfishly went into our guest room so that I could get a good night of uninterrupted sleep. Because of that, I didn't spend the last night of my daughter's life with her. I spent it sleeping soundly in another room. By the time I woke up, she had already gone. So the memories and the guilt surrounding the last night I spent with her were perhaps the hardest...

But today, thankfully, God's hand is clearly on my heart helping me through this. There is no explanation for the way I feel today other than His mighty power in my life. And it's all because of prayer. My prayer, your prayer, the prayers of everyone who loves and supports us. So if you've prayed for us, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God's listening and working in me.

My heart also doesn't hurt so much today because of the different ways everyone is showing their support to us. And my tears today have also been a result of my gratitude and joy for that support. Whether it's a kind word, a memory, encouragement, a text message, an email... or even something as wonderful as what my cousin is doing in Hailey's memory. It's all moved me, and it's all helping me get through today.

Quickly, I just want to share with you what my cousin Katey shared with me today, "Honoring Hailey's Life." I won't comment too much on it, I'll let you read it for yourself. But I will say, she is definitely one of the people who moved me to tears, happy tears, and what she shared is a huge blessing to me today because there's nothing more wonderful to me than hearing and knowing that Hailey's life mattered and is still positively affecting the lives of others. She even reminded me, Hailey's own mom, to remember how Hailey changed me as a person and how Hailey makes me want to be a better person. It was another reminder that I needed.

Perhaps today you could be inspired by Hailey and by my cousin Katey. Perhaps you could do something to carry on Hailey's memory? Say a prayer, light a candle tonight, say her name out loud to someone, share her story, share about Hailey's Hope, do an act of kindness for someone, live your best life today, if you have children, pour out your love even more on them today, or if you know someone else who has suffered a loss, think of what you can do for them today.

I feel good enough today that I decided I'd actually like to release a pink balloon for Hailey. The day is beautiful for it, and God's creation seems to be smiling at us through the sunshine and blue skies.

In closing, I'll wrap up today's post by sharing some more of Hailey with you, the photo slideshow Hailey's daddy put together for her memorial service: Hailey – Memorial Service Video

Thank you all for your love and support and helping carry some of my grief with me.