1-11-11, Happy Birthday Dad

As most of you know, last year I lost my dad to cancer. He died two weeks after Hailey died. I don't write much about my dad specifically on my blog; in part it's because trying to grieve my daughter and my dad at the same time was nearly impossible, and so it pains me to say that I had to put grieving my dad to the back burner while I focused on grieving Hailey. I just couldn't grieve both at the same time; it felt impossible. The other reason why I don't write much about my dad is because things have turned some what complicated and 'ugly' between 'family' in the aftermath of my dad's death, and I didn't want to write about all the added pain and stress going on for reasons that in my mind shouldn't have been going on.

But despite all that, today it's time for me to write about my dad. Today, on 1-11-11 (those magical numbers everyone seems captivated by for some reason or an0ther), my dad would have turned 61 years old.

Last year we were able to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. However, it was no celebration for me at the time. We had buried Hailey on January 9, 2010, two days before his birthday. Her memorial service was the first time I'd seen my dad in a month, and his cancer had clearly taken its toll on him. When I saw him and embraced him at her service, I think I cried more for how he appeared and for his declining health than I did over sorrow for Hailey at that moment. He was so skeletal and sick looking. He could barely walk on his own. It was devastating to see him like that. The next day, January 10, 2010, we attended my dad's surprise 60th birthday party. I have to say to this day I don't completely agree with the decision to still have the party given the fact that my dad had just buried his granddaughter the day before (and what our entire family was going through with losing Hailey) not to mention how poor his health was. It was extremely difficult for me to be at that party for my dad. But I went because I loved him, and deep down I wanted to celebrate the 60 years God had given him on this earth. However, we all knew that my dad wasn't going to make it much longer. He was clearly losing his battle with cancer. So needless to say, his last birthday with us was a difficult one.

Not many people know this, but I often dream of my dad. I dream of him more than I do Hailey. Most of my dreams deal with my dad's appearance... perhaps they're my subconscious trying to come to terms with the healthy dad I knew in contrast to the final images of my dad sick and dying that haunt me. I hate thinking about his cancer, his declining health, his sick appearance, and so on... I hate it because it's hard and painful to helplessly watch someone you love go through that.

I like to remember my dad when he was healthy, in his pre-cancer days. I like to remember the cliched 'good times' with him. I like to remember who he was. I like to remember our relationship and all the life lessons he taught me. One of the greatest blessings I have now that my dad is gone are the letters, cards, notes, and emails he wrote me over the course of my life. Whenever I read his words, I can hear his voice, and it feels like he's still here with me. I absolutely loved my dad and loved our relationship. He was my father, my friend, and my mentor. I have no regrets about our relationship so when I reflect back on his life and my time with him, all I can do is smile and feel happy. I am so very grateful for that.

But my dad wasn't a perfect person. None of us are. And like many of us, he experienced a lot of great things in life and a lot of hardships in his life. As some of you know, he was a tremendous athlete. Out of high school the Chicago White Sox tried to recruit him, but my dad felt he needed a college education, so he turned them down. After college, the San Fransisco 49ers drafted my dad. He was their kicker back in the 70s, only for a few years. But even though it was short time, he remained a fabulous athlete breaking records and making it to the Pro Bowl. My dad only played in the NFL for a few years because his career was cut short by a terrible car accident that severely injured him. My dad never liked to talk about it much, and I don't blame him. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have had such a promising career in the NFL ahead of him only to have it cut short by a car accident.

There was also a time in my childhood where my relationship with my dad was strained. As a child I might have even said I hated him at one point. When I was in third or fourth grade, my parents divorced. I learned, which was actually all too soon as a child, that one of the main reasons for the divorce was my dad's infidelity, and he married the other woman very quickly after the divorce. I hated every time he made me meet her. I hated that he wanted me to be in their wedding. I was very angry with him for leaving us, and I blamed him for ruining our family. It took me a few years, thanks to becoming maturer with age, to forgive my dad. I also have to say, I do remember that it seemed like my dad came to visit me more and spent more time with me after the divorce than before. My dad never stopped making an effort to maintain and better our relationship. He never stopped showing me he loved me.

As the years went on, and I went through junior high, high school, and college, my relationship with my dad just got better and better. We developed a special bond over our relationships with God and going to church together. My dad was always there when I needed him. Even as I moved away from home to go to college and got married making it more difficult for us to see each other and spend time together, my dad and I emailed back and forth daily, and I could always count on his weekly call.

I don't remember my dad as an NFL player. I don't remember my dad as a cheater or someone who broke up our family. I don't remember hims as a great coach or teacher. I don't remember him for the various reasons others do.

I remember my dad as someone who never stopped living life and who never stopped encouraging others to live their lives. I remember my dad as someone who I share my odd sense of humor with and who always told me that I needed to 'lighten up.' To this day, actually especially this year, I hear his voice telling me that a lot. My nature tends to lean towards the pessimistic, Eeyore, serious side, and I really do need his reminders for me to 'lighten up.' I remember my dad for his humor and laughter and his desire to make the lives of those he interacted with full of the same. He always sent the silliest emails, made the funniest pictures with photos and clip art and editing and what not, and always signed his name with a little smiley face resembling him - with a few spare hairs on top and a mustache. I'll never forget the time in college when I went to observe him teaching a driver's ed class. He greeted every student at the door and as soon as the bell rang the classroom filled with the music of the Sesame Street theme song as his Power Point presentation outlining the day's lesson appeared on the screen. He had the attention of all the students in his class and had them laughing over his cheesy sense of humor.

I remember my dad as someone who taught me what was important in life. He believed you needed to have fun and enjoy what you were doing; when it stops being fun, there's something wrong. I remember my dad as someone who was humble. He never bragged about himself or liked to be in the lime light. He had lots of reasons to celebrate himself and his life, but he really never did in that sort of way. I remember my dad as someone who understood what it meant to be kind to strangers. I'm sure he entertained many angels in his time here on earth. There's not a time being out with him in public dealing with people that I don't remember him showing the people he interacted with kindness. He treated people like people and knew the importance of doing that. He disliked how much society had lost that and got caught up in other things. I remember my dad as someone who worked hard but knew how to take time to retreat and enjoy life. He loved being up at our cabin in Northern Wisconsin and loved fishing (his 'vacare deo,' vacation with God). I remember my dad for always watching out for me. He did this often when it came to driving (perhaps because of his experiences with car accidents and his career as a driver's ed teacher) so I could always count on his fatherly warning and advice every time I got in my car to travel somewhere.

I remember all the wonderful memories and times spent with my dad.... from fishing with him growing up, to him teaching me to drive on his lap on the empty roads up north, to him being at every sporting event or extracurricular activity I was ever in, to going to work with him on bring your daughter to work day, to going to Illini football games with him, to dancing with him at my wedding, to him making the difficult journey to meet and hold Hailey... and many many many more memories...

And as you can see... I could probably go on and on about my dad, all the wonderful things I love about him, all the things that live on with me now that he's gone, including all the memories. These are the things I remember about my dad and celebrate about him, especially on his birthday today.

I will never be able to say it enough. He was the best dad I ever could have asked for, and I am ever grateful to God for blessing us with such an amazing relationship. Both my dad and I are unique people that many people, including family, don't always understand, but my dad and I always got each other because of that. We knew each other like no one else could. And I am so thankful that we both knew how much we loved each other and how proud we were of each other. I love(d) my dad more than anyone will ever know, and I miss him more than anyone can ever understand.

I know many of you reading this never met or knew my dad. But I hope that after reading this, a part of who he is will go forth with you. If there's anything I'd want you to take away from all my ramblings about my dad, it would be some of the same lessons his life taught me: love others, be kind to strangers, enjoy your life, find reason to laugh today no matter what's going on in your life, don't work too hard, don't harbor negative feelings, and don't miss out on the important things in life.

And I can't help but sharing some of his 'instructions for life' he shared with so many people and printed out for my brother and I (and I'm sure many others):

-Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully

-Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want

-When you say "I love you," mean it

-Never laugh at anyone's dreams

-Talk slow but think quick

-Don't judge people by their relatives

-When you lose, don't lose the lesson

-Spend some time alone

-Trust in God but lock your car

I'm thankful that my dad learned right along with me that God is good and God is real, and because of that, it's my hope that when I get to Heaven, Hailey will be in my dad's arms, and they'll both be leading me to Jesus...

"I love you dad! Thanks for being the best dad a girl could ask for and for all the words and memories I have to remember you by! Happy Birthday! Miss you so much!"