M I A

Just wanted to do a quick post tonight since I've been a little MIA from my blog lately and won't have much time to write for another week or so...

Here are some quick updates:

1. We're busy packing and getting ready for our DITY move to Ft. Campbell this weekend. We'll be completely moved out of our house in AL and into our house in TN this weekend. (Please be praying for our move and safe travels!)

2. My birthday was yesterday; I am officially 26 now. It was a pretty quiet and low-key birthday, but the Packers did win the NFC championship so that made it a pretty good birthday. :)

3. In Army life news, we learned Friday that Josh is likely to deploy for 12 months to Afghanistan pretty soon after we arrive at Ft. Campbell (probably April)... (Still adjusting to the news and I'm sure a blog post will be coming about it.)

Lots going on. I swear my life hasn't had a dull moment since I graduated from college. There's always something! Please be praying for my sanity in these coming weeks... somewhat joking...somewhat serious. Thanks!

Trying Again After Loss

Before we had Hailey, my husband and I dreamed of having a family. We hoped to be 'young' parents. We hoped that we would be able to have 2 or 3 of our own children. When I found out we were pregnant with Hailey when we were 24 years old, we thought the timing was perfect in light of our hopes and dreams for our family.

As I've written about before, the experience of my labor, Hailey's birth, the issues surrounding her life, and ultimately her death, was quite traumatic for both my husband and me. In the immediate time frame following Hailey's birth, we were both traumatized so much so that we seriously talked (although out of fear) of never having a baby again, which of course was devastating to our dreams of having a family.

However, after raising Hailey for the short time that we could, it became clear to us that God had kept our desires for wanting a family in our hearts. Everything that was happening and happened with Hailey in the end didn't change our hearts' desires to have children. I can't say exactly when, but within a couple of months of losing Hailey we began to talk more and more about the possibilities of continuing our family, or how all the grief books coin it, about "trying again after loss."

To be honest, my husband was in a different place than I was for a long time. He seemed ready right away to have another baby. While I knew I would eventually want to have more children, I didn't know when that time would come for me. We talked and prayed for months and months and months about having another baby, and at times they were difficult discussions because we were in vastly different places. Not many people can understand why the idea of trying to have another baby after losing Hailey would be such a hard decision, but I hope this post can enlighten you about this.

One of the most common comments bereaved parents like myself get after they lose their babies is a statements similar to this one: "Don't worry, you can always have another one." I don't think the people saying these types of comments are meaning to be insensitive, but they are, and those comments are painful. For me, one of the most dreaded questions that I hated being asked after losing Hailey was about if and when we were going to have another baby... You see, some people seem to think that when someone loses a baby having another baby will somehow solve the problem - almost like one baby will replace the other. Everything will be all better once they have another baby. It will take care of their grief. And so on... But those things are just not true.

Those types of thoughts and comments are really painful for bereaved parents like myself. The attitude that comes along with those statements is one that minimizes the significance of the life of the child we lost.  I wish everyone could understand that nothing and no one will ever replace the child we buried. Having another baby will not replace the baby we lost. Having another baby will not make our grief go away. Having another baby will not solve our problems.

In fact, making the decision to try again after loss is extremely hard because a subsequent pregnancy no longer has its innocence, and I speak from experience. It took me, like I said, months and months and months to get to a place where I felt like I was ready to try again. What people don't necessarily understand is that I know that not every pregnancy ends well. I know that not every mother meets her baby. I know that not every mother gets to hold her baby or come home from the hospital. I know that not every mother will have a chance to see her baby grow into a child. I know the worst case scenario. I do not know what it's like to have a healthy baby. I know a healthy pregnancy, but that did not lead to a healthy baby. All I know is what it's like to have the worst thing you ever imagined happening. All I know is what it's like to have a sick baby. All I know is what it's like to have my baby die. Therefore, the idea of a second pregnancy and a second baby for me is one that doesn't have that naive joy and innocence attached to it that came with the first. For me, a subsequent pregnancy is full of fears, worries, anxieties, doubts, what ifs and so on.

But like I said, not too long after having Hailey, I knew in my heart I wanted more children and that I wanted to try to have more children. However, the hard part was trying to figure out when I was ready. And like I said, after months and months and months of conversations with my husband and with God, I felt God was telling me it was time, and I was the one holding us back out of fear. I wasn't trusting God. I was hesitant to give him the controls in this area of my life. A part of me was saying things like, "No God. I can't let you give me another baby. I don't trust you. Look what happened to Hailey. My baby can't be sick. My baby can't die. I can't go through that again." And so it became clearer and clearer to me that my hesitancy to continue our family was due to me not trusting God because I really felt in my heart a desire from God to have more children, and I knew the only thing holding me back was fear.

Thankfully, I gave it all - my fears, worries, anxieties, etc. - over to God. I relinquished control (and boy was it hard). I stepped out of the boat to join Jesus on the water (Matthew 14:22-33). I took a leap of faith to decide to have another baby and to trust God with it. And so, early this fall, my husband and I started trying to have another baby. I was finally in a place where I felt my grief journey was in a good place and where I was feeling at peace with our decision to continue our family. I have to say, after several months passed, I began to have doubts again about whether our desire to have more children was really from God or just from ourselves. If I wasn't getting pregnant, maybe God really didn't want us to have more children. And so I struggled with that for awhile.

When Hailey's birthday came, December 1st, I can't begin to tell you how emotional I was about Hailey and the idea of us having another baby. I felt like everything, my grief over Hailey and my fears over having another baby, just came crashing down on me. I woke up on Hailey's birthday and literally the first thing that came to my mind was, "Oh my, I'm really really late aren't I? Oh, what if I'm pregnant?"  But I literally had to push the tears down and push it all aside to focus on celebrating Hailey's birthday. I forbid myself from thinking about it on Hailey's birthday. It was too much for me.

However, the day after Hailey's 1st birthday, in a completely different place emotionally. I went out and bought an at home pregnancy test (a 2 pack to be exact) - and I took them both.

Both read that I'm pregnant.(!) (Keep reading please) :)

I don't think I could ever begin to describe the rush of emotions I felt in those moments. But I can tell you in the midst of all the crazy emotions I was feeling, I was full of good anticipation, hope, and joy... and of course I cried... a lot... mostly joyful tears... and because I was just emotionally overwhelmed. Immediately I made an appointment for the next day to have my doctor confirm my at home results, and after a positive urine analysis at the doctor's that Friday, it became official. And so I found out that I'm pregnant again, the day after Hailey's 1st birthday, when I was about 5 weeks pregnant.

Literally, within days of my pregnancy being confirmed, the first symptoms of being pregnant hit and hit hard. With Hailey, I experience a little morning sickness in my first trimester, which was really a lot of nausea and dry heaving in the morning. This time I came prepared to keep myself from that by eating little bits throughout the night, slowly waking up, eating some dry cereal right away, etc., and that it worked for the most part from being sick like I was with Hailey. However, my 'morning sickness' this pregnancy was different and almost worse. It was very hard for me to hide it, but I experienced nausea around the clock for the last 5 weeks. I never actually got sick, but just felt nauseous 100% of the time.  For weeks I couldn't stomach much besides Honey Nut Cheerios and red Gatorade. And to top that off, I also get hit with a severe case of the stomach flu or food poisoning, so much so that my husband was on the phone with the doctors trying to figure out if I needed to go to the hospital. Also, like with my first pregnancy, fatigue has hit me hard. Thankfully, this time I'm in a position where I can sleep as much as I want, and boy do I sleep and nap.

So if you saw me around the holidays, and I didn't seem like the most pleasant person or not like myself... maybe now you know why.

Right after the New Year, we had our first ultrasound and prenatal appointment. I was a little bit of a wreck going in but tried not to show it. All those fears were hitting me. What if there's no heartbeat. What if they can already tell something else is wrong. But thankfully, we went in and were able to see our baby for the first time (looking more like a blob than a baby at that point). The best part for me was the strong heartbeat we saw and heard. Everything looked great. A momentary relief, because, after all, that's what we were told after nearly every single one of our prenatal appointments with Hailey.... But I left feeling very excited and happy and with our baby's first two pictures in hand.

This week, I'm about 11.5 weeks along, almost done with my first trimester. The 'morning' or '24/7' sickness is finally starting to pass this week. I'm feeling almost completely better, but every now and then my stomach just feels a little off. And other than the fatigue, I'm really starting to feel pretty good and ready to start my second trimester.

So far this pregnancy has been a  somewhat difficult one, with the nausea and with all the fears and what not and mixture of emotions, and because of the fears and anxiety, I've prolonged telling people our news.

Even now, I'm a little hesitant to break the news to the 'world.' Mostly because I fear people's responses to learning we're pregnant again. Like I mentioned earlier in this post, I'm afraid of insensitive comments that make me feel like Hailey didn't matter to people and that she'll further 'disappear' or be forgotten about by others and replaced by this new baby. And if I want to be completely honest, I'm afraid of people's excitement because in all honesty I'm not sure if I've let myself be 100% excited yet. Of course I rejoice in our new baby and am excited to be pregnant, but I'm afraid to let myself get to that place ... almost like a defense mechanism in case something happens to this baby... like somehow my mind thinks that if I don't allow myself to be completely excited than somehow if something were to happen it would hurt less, which I know isn't true... But basically, I don't want this baby to overshadow Hailey in people's minds and hearts, and I don't want people to think that this joy overshadows or removes our grief for Hailey...If that makes sense.

So I want the world to know that Hailey will always be our first child. We will always be her parents. We will always love her. Our hearts and lives will always be incomplete without her here with us. There will never be a day that doesn't go by where we don't miss her and think about her. Nothing will ever change those things. Not even another baby. Like I said before, our new baby does not replace Hailey. Our new baby does not 'fix' or heal our grief. Our new baby is not our only child. Our new baby is our second baby and is Hailey's brother or sister.

And so, this new journey that we're on is one of faith and one of learning what it's like to have more children after burying our first. It's another journey of expansion. It's full of joy and hope and a lot of other emotions as well. From now until however long we have our second baby for, we will always think of him/her in light of our experience with Hailey.

So with that all said, first, please before you respond to our wonderful news, please check to see if your response could be in anyway perceived as insensitive by me, a bereaved parent. And most of all, I would just ask my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ out there to keep our family uplifted and surrounded in prayer. We need continued prayer for our grief and life without Hailey (continued healing, peace, comfort, strength, and so on). We need prayers for this pregnancy - for all of us (baby's health, my health, and for us to be rid of fear, anxiety, worry, stress, and so on and that those would all be replaced with peace and trust in God).

And I just have to say, I find it kind of 'funny' or 'interesting' that we found out we're having another baby the day after Hailey's 1st birthday and that at the end of my first trimester in both pregnancies we're moving to another state!

Oh and right now our baby's due date is August 6th. :)

"...may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation..." 2 Thes. 3:16

Hailey's Hope: A New Year

First, I want to say how thankful I am for the support Hailey's Hope received in 2010. Our project was very blessed to receive so many wonderful and generous donations that enabled us, in a period of 8 months, to donate 10 "angel" memory boxes and 86 basic NICU care package bags to families with babies staying in the NICUs at The Children's Hospital in Alabama as well as three basic NICU care package bags to families in different states - that brings us to almost 100 care packages donated to date!

As I've mentioned from the start, it's my hope that Hailey's Hope will continue to be an active project with Project Sweet Peas for many years and helping countless families going through a difficult time that we're familiar with. Hailey's Hope didn't start as just a one time thing or a temporary project that I created to help me cope with my grief or as a hobby that doesn't stick. All of the project leaders with Project Sweet Peas want our projects to become a permanent part of the hospitals we serve, and many of the hospitals we serve have already become dependent on the donations we deliver to them.

Therefore, it's my hope for the new year that Hailey's Hope will continue to be blessed with supporters and donations so that we can continue to help as many families as possible. I also have set some goals for our project in 2011 which will also include some changes.

First, as you may or may not know, as of February 1st, Hailey's Hope will no longer be run from our home in Alabama, but it will be run from our new home in Tennessee! With this move came a dilemma over which hospital(s) Hailey's Hope would serve. Would we continue to serve The Children's Hospital in Alabama? How would we be able to still be able to work with a hospital in AL from TN? Would we switch hospitals all together and start serving a hospital in TN instead? How much support would we be able to get in TN for donating to a hospital out of state? Would we lose supporters if we no longer served the hospital in AL? Not to mention there were countless personal questions about stopping donations to The Children's Hopsital since it is the hospital where Hailey stayed and since they have already requested more donations from us.

So, after thinking this issue over for the past month or so, I have set a goal that will only be achievable with continued and increased support.

This year, Hailey's Hope will be serving 2 hospitals in 2 states! We will continue our partnership with The Children's Hospital in Alabama, and we are hoping to serve Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt in Tennessee.

Even though we will be living in Tennessee, the drive to The Children's Hospital in Alabama will be about the same as it was for us when we were living in AL, maybe only slightly longer; therefore, making deliveries to the hospital will still be possible. The reason I decided to try to take on a 2nd hospital in TN is because I want to help the people in the community we'll be living in and, really, how could I not help a hospital in my area who lacks the type of support we provide for families. And it's my hope that as we conduct fundraisers in TN we will receive a lot of support from our local community since we'll be helping a local hospital. Furthermore, I am thinking Hailey's Hope will make a small number of deliveries to The Children's Hospital, perhaps on special dates or anniversaries (such as Hailey's birthday), and then do more frequent deliveries throughout the year to the hospital in TN.

As of today, Hailey's Hope does not have our official partnership with and 'go ahead' from Vanderbilt. I'm in the process of being given the run around as I attempt to find a contact. So far I've spoken with two people at the hospital, but neither work with receiving donations, and I have not been given a contact who does and can help me. But I'm continuing to contact people in various departments, and hopefully I will get into contact with the right person soon. (Would you consider praying that I am able to find the right person to talk to about receiving our donations and that they would be eager and willing to work with us?)

Secondly, I hope to host several new fundraisers this year. In 2010, we received most of our support from family and friends by requesting their help through letters and emails and from that we received great results and they even reached out to others to help us! However, we don't want to constantly ask the same people over and over again to donate to our project. We would love supporters who give on a continual basis, but we want this to happen from their own hearts and generosity, not because we bombard them and bother them by continually asking for donations. So we need some new ideas to raise support and new ways to reach more supporters who may not know about our cause.

I'm super excited to share about the first fundraiser of 2011 for Hailey's Hope! Starting February 1st we will be holding a fundraiser called "Flowers for Hope." Hailey's Hope will be selling flower bulbs for people to plant this spring that will bloom in the summer. We are partnering with an organization that allows us to sell their products and keep 50% of the sales. So for every flower we sale, we will receive 50% of the sale. Therefore, if a person wants to buy a set of flower bulbs for $10, Hailey's Hope will receive a $5 donation. The fundraiser will continue through mid-April, which will be our project's 1 year anniversary. The company will ship out the orders by May for planting. I also want to mention that we will be selling flowers online as well as face-to-face through catalogs.

I chose to do "Flowers for Hope" and sell flowers, as opposed to other items, for several reasons. First, I thought it would be great to do something specifically around April to celebrate our project's 1 year anniversary, and of course April is in the spring and wouldn't it be great to do a spring fundraiser that had people planting spring flowers?! But more importantly, I chose flowers for a personal reason. Personally, I love the idea of me planting a flower in Hailey's memory in my own yard. To be able to see something living, growing, blossoming, and beautiful that was planted and there because of Hailey and that reminds me of her every time I look at it... well, it's simply priceless. And to carry that gift, that maybe only a bereaved parent can fully understand, a step further, I thought about how perfect flowers would be for Hailey because many of them attract butterflies... and we all know how butterflies remind me of Hailey and how they symbolize hope (they are part of our logo after all). :) Then I carried this idea of mine and applied it to other people. This fundraiser would give other people who loved Hailey the opportunity to do something on their own in memory of her. And of course, I'm hoping to sell flowers to people that may not have that personal connection to Hailey, but maybe they would consider planting a flower not just to make a pretty addition to their garden (which is great on it's own!), but to remember someone they loved and lost.

So I hope you're as excited about this fundraiser as I am. This is something completely new for me to try so I would really appreciate your prayers that this fundraiser would help us raise a lot of money for Hailey's Hope in 2011. More details will be shared on February 1st when the fundraiser officially launches. Until then, start saving up your spare change and thinking about what flowers you might like to plant this year that way you will be all ready to place your order right away!

And lastly, I set some specific goals for our deliveries this year (and yes they are pretty high goals, but hey, we need to dream big to achieve bag). I hope to be able to make two donations to The Children's Hospital in AL (commemorating special occasions), and I hope to be able to make at least two or three donations to a hospital in TN. In thinking about a bag total for 2011, I hope that we can donate a total of at least 200 care packages! To be able to make so many deliveries, we really need a lot of support, and we really hope we can get it.

Please be praying for our project and thinking about how you can support Hailey's Hope and help families with sick babies who really need it... and help us keep Hailey's memory alive.

[caption id="attachment_80" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="My Courageous Little Girl"][/caption]

And just a reminder, you can donate to us online by using PayPal - you can find the link here. Please feel free to email me at Kristin@projectsweetpeas.com

Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you. ~ Deut. 16:17

1-11-11, Happy Birthday Dad

As most of you know, last year I lost my dad to cancer. He died two weeks after Hailey died. I don't write much about my dad specifically on my blog; in part it's because trying to grieve my daughter and my dad at the same time was nearly impossible, and so it pains me to say that I had to put grieving my dad to the back burner while I focused on grieving Hailey. I just couldn't grieve both at the same time; it felt impossible. The other reason why I don't write much about my dad is because things have turned some what complicated and 'ugly' between 'family' in the aftermath of my dad's death, and I didn't want to write about all the added pain and stress going on for reasons that in my mind shouldn't have been going on.

But despite all that, today it's time for me to write about my dad. Today, on 1-11-11 (those magical numbers everyone seems captivated by for some reason or an0ther), my dad would have turned 61 years old.

Last year we were able to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. However, it was no celebration for me at the time. We had buried Hailey on January 9, 2010, two days before his birthday. Her memorial service was the first time I'd seen my dad in a month, and his cancer had clearly taken its toll on him. When I saw him and embraced him at her service, I think I cried more for how he appeared and for his declining health than I did over sorrow for Hailey at that moment. He was so skeletal and sick looking. He could barely walk on his own. It was devastating to see him like that. The next day, January 10, 2010, we attended my dad's surprise 60th birthday party. I have to say to this day I don't completely agree with the decision to still have the party given the fact that my dad had just buried his granddaughter the day before (and what our entire family was going through with losing Hailey) not to mention how poor his health was. It was extremely difficult for me to be at that party for my dad. But I went because I loved him, and deep down I wanted to celebrate the 60 years God had given him on this earth. However, we all knew that my dad wasn't going to make it much longer. He was clearly losing his battle with cancer. So needless to say, his last birthday with us was a difficult one.

Not many people know this, but I often dream of my dad. I dream of him more than I do Hailey. Most of my dreams deal with my dad's appearance... perhaps they're my subconscious trying to come to terms with the healthy dad I knew in contrast to the final images of my dad sick and dying that haunt me. I hate thinking about his cancer, his declining health, his sick appearance, and so on... I hate it because it's hard and painful to helplessly watch someone you love go through that.

I like to remember my dad when he was healthy, in his pre-cancer days. I like to remember the cliched 'good times' with him. I like to remember who he was. I like to remember our relationship and all the life lessons he taught me. One of the greatest blessings I have now that my dad is gone are the letters, cards, notes, and emails he wrote me over the course of my life. Whenever I read his words, I can hear his voice, and it feels like he's still here with me. I absolutely loved my dad and loved our relationship. He was my father, my friend, and my mentor. I have no regrets about our relationship so when I reflect back on his life and my time with him, all I can do is smile and feel happy. I am so very grateful for that.

But my dad wasn't a perfect person. None of us are. And like many of us, he experienced a lot of great things in life and a lot of hardships in his life. As some of you know, he was a tremendous athlete. Out of high school the Chicago White Sox tried to recruit him, but my dad felt he needed a college education, so he turned them down. After college, the San Fransisco 49ers drafted my dad. He was their kicker back in the 70s, only for a few years. But even though it was short time, he remained a fabulous athlete breaking records and making it to the Pro Bowl. My dad only played in the NFL for a few years because his career was cut short by a terrible car accident that severely injured him. My dad never liked to talk about it much, and I don't blame him. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have had such a promising career in the NFL ahead of him only to have it cut short by a car accident.

There was also a time in my childhood where my relationship with my dad was strained. As a child I might have even said I hated him at one point. When I was in third or fourth grade, my parents divorced. I learned, which was actually all too soon as a child, that one of the main reasons for the divorce was my dad's infidelity, and he married the other woman very quickly after the divorce. I hated every time he made me meet her. I hated that he wanted me to be in their wedding. I was very angry with him for leaving us, and I blamed him for ruining our family. It took me a few years, thanks to becoming maturer with age, to forgive my dad. I also have to say, I do remember that it seemed like my dad came to visit me more and spent more time with me after the divorce than before. My dad never stopped making an effort to maintain and better our relationship. He never stopped showing me he loved me.

As the years went on, and I went through junior high, high school, and college, my relationship with my dad just got better and better. We developed a special bond over our relationships with God and going to church together. My dad was always there when I needed him. Even as I moved away from home to go to college and got married making it more difficult for us to see each other and spend time together, my dad and I emailed back and forth daily, and I could always count on his weekly call.

I don't remember my dad as an NFL player. I don't remember my dad as a cheater or someone who broke up our family. I don't remember hims as a great coach or teacher. I don't remember him for the various reasons others do.

I remember my dad as someone who never stopped living life and who never stopped encouraging others to live their lives. I remember my dad as someone who I share my odd sense of humor with and who always told me that I needed to 'lighten up.' To this day, actually especially this year, I hear his voice telling me that a lot. My nature tends to lean towards the pessimistic, Eeyore, serious side, and I really do need his reminders for me to 'lighten up.' I remember my dad for his humor and laughter and his desire to make the lives of those he interacted with full of the same. He always sent the silliest emails, made the funniest pictures with photos and clip art and editing and what not, and always signed his name with a little smiley face resembling him - with a few spare hairs on top and a mustache. I'll never forget the time in college when I went to observe him teaching a driver's ed class. He greeted every student at the door and as soon as the bell rang the classroom filled with the music of the Sesame Street theme song as his Power Point presentation outlining the day's lesson appeared on the screen. He had the attention of all the students in his class and had them laughing over his cheesy sense of humor.

I remember my dad as someone who taught me what was important in life. He believed you needed to have fun and enjoy what you were doing; when it stops being fun, there's something wrong. I remember my dad as someone who was humble. He never bragged about himself or liked to be in the lime light. He had lots of reasons to celebrate himself and his life, but he really never did in that sort of way. I remember my dad as someone who understood what it meant to be kind to strangers. I'm sure he entertained many angels in his time here on earth. There's not a time being out with him in public dealing with people that I don't remember him showing the people he interacted with kindness. He treated people like people and knew the importance of doing that. He disliked how much society had lost that and got caught up in other things. I remember my dad as someone who worked hard but knew how to take time to retreat and enjoy life. He loved being up at our cabin in Northern Wisconsin and loved fishing (his 'vacare deo,' vacation with God). I remember my dad for always watching out for me. He did this often when it came to driving (perhaps because of his experiences with car accidents and his career as a driver's ed teacher) so I could always count on his fatherly warning and advice every time I got in my car to travel somewhere.

I remember all the wonderful memories and times spent with my dad.... from fishing with him growing up, to him teaching me to drive on his lap on the empty roads up north, to him being at every sporting event or extracurricular activity I was ever in, to going to work with him on bring your daughter to work day, to going to Illini football games with him, to dancing with him at my wedding, to him making the difficult journey to meet and hold Hailey... and many many many more memories...

And as you can see... I could probably go on and on about my dad, all the wonderful things I love about him, all the things that live on with me now that he's gone, including all the memories. These are the things I remember about my dad and celebrate about him, especially on his birthday today.

I will never be able to say it enough. He was the best dad I ever could have asked for, and I am ever grateful to God for blessing us with such an amazing relationship. Both my dad and I are unique people that many people, including family, don't always understand, but my dad and I always got each other because of that. We knew each other like no one else could. And I am so thankful that we both knew how much we loved each other and how proud we were of each other. I love(d) my dad more than anyone will ever know, and I miss him more than anyone can ever understand.

I know many of you reading this never met or knew my dad. But I hope that after reading this, a part of who he is will go forth with you. If there's anything I'd want you to take away from all my ramblings about my dad, it would be some of the same lessons his life taught me: love others, be kind to strangers, enjoy your life, find reason to laugh today no matter what's going on in your life, don't work too hard, don't harbor negative feelings, and don't miss out on the important things in life.

And I can't help but sharing some of his 'instructions for life' he shared with so many people and printed out for my brother and I (and I'm sure many others):

-Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully

-Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want

-When you say "I love you," mean it

-Never laugh at anyone's dreams

-Talk slow but think quick

-Don't judge people by their relatives

-When you lose, don't lose the lesson

-Spend some time alone

-Trust in God but lock your car

I'm thankful that my dad learned right along with me that God is good and God is real, and because of that, it's my hope that when I get to Heaven, Hailey will be in my dad's arms, and they'll both be leading me to Jesus...

"I love you dad! Thanks for being the best dad a girl could ask for and for all the words and memories I have to remember you by! Happy Birthday! Miss you so much!"

Hailey's with God, God's hand is on my heart

I didn't think I'd be able to write today, but here I am.

Today I mourn over my daughter's death one year ago, but I mourn more for our lives here without her. I realized that this week I've focused almost too much on this side of losing her. It reminded of the truth found in one of the quotes I highlighted when reading the book The Shack: “When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of [God]” (p. 96).

Thankfully, the comforting words of family and friends have served as a reminder of something my heart almost seemed to forget over these past few days... A year ago today wasn't just the last day of my daughter's life. Today doesn't just mean that I spent one year without her. Today is also the one year anniversary of Jesus welcoming Hailey into his arms. And so today I rejoice in the ultimate truth and comfort that Hailey is truly at home in the place we're all designed for, living in perfection with our Lord.

I'm reminded of the wonderful comfort I found in the lyrics of the song we played at Hailey's memorial service, the song that's kind of become our anthem, and again of the book The Shack which profoundly impacted me during my second reading of it in light of Hailey's death. I rejoice in the truths of the lyrics from Steven Curtis Chapman who shares in the experience of losing a daughter... I rejoice that one day I will join her Heaven and she'll take my hand and lead me to You and we'll both run into Your arms. I also rejoice in trying to imagine what Hailey and my Lord might be doing at this very moment in heaven, and I picture a similar scene as described in The Shack when a dad is given a glimpse of his daughter in heaven: “It was Jesus playing in the middle of his children. Without hesitation, [his daughter] leaped into his arms. He swung her around twice before putting her back on her feet, and then, everyone laughed before hunting for smooth stones to skip across the surface of the lake. The voicing of their joy was a symphony to [her dad's] ears, and as he watched, his tears flowed freely” (p. 168). And so do mine right now... in a way that only a believer whose lost her child can...

And so today, I felt the need to write and let you all know that the pain and sorrow of Hailey's death are there of course, but God's light and joy keep shining through in so many different ways.

I've cried a few short times so far today... But the tears are not so much out of agony and the unbearable pain of missing her as they've been most of the week. Today they are mostly out of that indescribable joy Jesus allows me to find in the what seems to be the worst experience of my life. And I have to tell you all, today has probably been the best day of my week so far. But I will also admit that the worst time was almost going to bed last night. Had I not had my husband and my other best friend, our dog, there in bed with me there's no doubt that I would have been a grieving, weeping, sobbing mess. But thankfully God has blessed me with a lot of love and comfort in them.

Anyway, let me tell you why last night was harder than today... Because I thought back to one year ago last night. It was the last time I saw my daughter, held my daughter, kissed my daughter, told her I loved her. And my mother guilt hit hard. A year ago last night, I selfishly went into our guest room so that I could get a good night of uninterrupted sleep. Because of that, I didn't spend the last night of my daughter's life with her. I spent it sleeping soundly in another room. By the time I woke up, she had already gone. So the memories and the guilt surrounding the last night I spent with her were perhaps the hardest...

But today, thankfully, God's hand is clearly on my heart helping me through this. There is no explanation for the way I feel today other than His mighty power in my life. And it's all because of prayer. My prayer, your prayer, the prayers of everyone who loves and supports us. So if you've prayed for us, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God's listening and working in me.

My heart also doesn't hurt so much today because of the different ways everyone is showing their support to us. And my tears today have also been a result of my gratitude and joy for that support. Whether it's a kind word, a memory, encouragement, a text message, an email... or even something as wonderful as what my cousin is doing in Hailey's memory. It's all moved me, and it's all helping me get through today.

Quickly, I just want to share with you what my cousin Katey shared with me today, "Honoring Hailey's Life." I won't comment too much on it, I'll let you read it for yourself. But I will say, she is definitely one of the people who moved me to tears, happy tears, and what she shared is a huge blessing to me today because there's nothing more wonderful to me than hearing and knowing that Hailey's life mattered and is still positively affecting the lives of others. She even reminded me, Hailey's own mom, to remember how Hailey changed me as a person and how Hailey makes me want to be a better person. It was another reminder that I needed.

Perhaps today you could be inspired by Hailey and by my cousin Katey. Perhaps you could do something to carry on Hailey's memory? Say a prayer, light a candle tonight, say her name out loud to someone, share her story, share about Hailey's Hope, do an act of kindness for someone, live your best life today, if you have children, pour out your love even more on them today, or if you know someone else who has suffered a loss, think of what you can do for them today.

I feel good enough today that I decided I'd actually like to release a pink balloon for Hailey. The day is beautiful for it, and God's creation seems to be smiling at us through the sunshine and blue skies.

In closing, I'll wrap up today's post by sharing some more of Hailey with you, the photo slideshow Hailey's daddy put together for her memorial service: Hailey – Memorial Service Video

Thank you all for your love and support and helping carry some of my grief with me.

Jan. 6th, A Year Without Her

“A powerful life embraces pain, brokenness and weakness and understands that perfection is for Heaven, not Earth.” Mary Southerland

This Thursday marks the one year anniversary of my daughter's death, and I'm writing about it today because I don't think I'll be able to on Thursday. We don't have any planned for that day... I wish I did, but I just haven't had the heart to figure anything out and most things I've thought of just don't feel right... Maybe in the coming years we'll commemorate the day with something special, a balloon release, a butterfly release, something... But not this year.

I wasn't sure what to expect this week to be like, and trust me, I've had plenty of time trying to imagine it. Of course I'd always assumed January 6th would be a hard and sad day, but part of me was hopeful that it wouldn't be because somehow the tears have slowed to a stop and most of the time I'm able to look back on everything in a positive light, focusing on the joys and blessings. However, in all honesty, Thursday is going to be a very hard and sad day. I know this because this week (and it's only Tuesday) has already been hard for me, something I wasn't necessarily expecting. I expected a hard day on Thursday, not a hard week.

I'm usually able to have selective remembering with Hailey, which enables me to focus on the joys and blessings like I was saying. But really, I think sometimes that's a fault of mine. I'm worried I'm hiding all the negatives and pain away deep inside of me somewhere, which I know isn't good.

This week I've realized more so than ever before that at some point I stopped giving myself permission to grieve. I don't give myself permission to be as sad as I know I truly feel sometimes. I don't give myself permission to cry in public, in front of family, in front of friends, in front of my husband even. And really, I don't give myself permission to cry even when I'm alone anymore. I don't allow myself to feel 'weak.' I'm not sure why. I know sometimes my lack of tears is because of God's comfort and peace, but sometimes, as I'm recently admitting to myself, I just don't allow myself to cry. ... I think part of it's been that I know it's okay to feel sorrow and anger towards my loss, but I also know how those things can go out of control and lead to destruction and problems. So I think it's out of a fear that my grief will get out of control and I will no longer be living as someone who knows Christ. I know it's okay to weep and grieve, many people written about in the Bible do so, Jesus himself wept... But I also know, it's not good for us to stay in that state...

Do not mourn like those that have no hope. ~1 Thes. 4:13

But anyway, I began this week not giving myself permission to grieve and feel. I felt myself bottling it all up and hiding it inside of myself, and I right away I knew that doing so was going to destroy me. I needed to give myself permission to cry and release my feelings. So I did. Alone in the house, in the shower, I let myself grieve and feel my raw emotions. I let it all out. And while my grief obviously hurts, it felt good letting it go. Because in not allowing myself to cry and grieve, I realized I was holding onto it all and it was burdensome.

“It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.” Ovid

So yes, this week is very hard for me. I can't help but remember and feel it all. My mind goes over all the details and feelings of January 6th last year and the days immediately following... Experiencing the death of your child is probably one of the worst things in the world. But the thing is, it isn't just a one time thing, it's having to experience it over and over again in your memory. It's heart breaking, over and over again. So often I try to forget and ignore all the memories and things that bring me pain, which I'm realizing is not the best thing to do...

I didn't write about this on Hailey's birthday because I was trying to focus my mind on the joys and blessings of my daughter (and trying to ignore the pain). In doing so, I buried a lot of painful memories and emotions from that day that wanted to come forth. In all honesty, Hailey's birthday was a hard day for me to remember. I want to say that without a doubt that the birth of my daughter and meeting her and holding her for the first time was the best day of my life...But, honestly, it wasn't. All the wonder and joy in it was tainted with unimaginable pain, and really, it was an awful day.

The days of her birth and death are two of the hardest days for me to remember. As the anniversary of her death approaches, I can't help but remember the pain and emotions I felt the day of her birth...

We went into the hospital and I went into labor fully expecting to have it all end with holding a healthy baby girl in our arms. We went into the hospital with our nursery at home decorated and full of all the goodies we'd need for her first year expecting to bring her home in a couple of days. We went in with hopes and dreams of a future of raising our daughter. We went in like most other people ... If you're a parent, perhaps you can at least understand this part of it.

My labor and experience of giving birth was pretty much terrible and painful and was close to worst case scenario in my mind. But even then, I was ready for it all to be worth it when I would gaze into my baby's little eyes and hold her in my arms afterward... But that never happened. It was all like a bad dream to me. Due to exhaustion from lack of sleep and the physical demands of labor and my IV meds lingering, my mind couldn't grasp the reality of everything that was happening around me after I gave birth. I knew something was wrong because Hailey wasn't placed on my chest, no one was answering me, and my husband's eyes were welling up with tears.

Some days I wonder if my not fully being in the moment because of my meds and what not was a little blessing because it kept me from the raw reality and pain that things were seriously wrong. It really felt like a bad nightmare that I couldn't understand. I was so tired and out of it... I just couldn't understand. For the next two hours, I remained in bed with my eyes closed as the world whirled by around me. I didn't feel any sadness yet...I didn't cry yet... I just remember feeling things weren't right, and I just couldn't understand it.  Part of it was probably me being in shock. The world remained unreal to me, as I saw her for the first time, looking nothing like a newborn baby should as she was wrapped in so much stuff with so many wires and things hooked up to her... That night I spent alone without my husband and daughter as they traveled to another hospital...And I still don't think I felt much sadness yet.

Things didn't start to set in until the next morning. But even then, reality was hard to grasp as I felt my body functioning without my knowledge, in some kind of survival mode.... The first time I think I really felt sad was leaving the hospital... being wheeled out in a wheelchair from the maternity ward without my baby... empty arms...And the pain came and it came hard and hasn't really stopped although a year later, it sure has been healed and slowed.

But really, this is a confession that the birth of my daughter was awful. Labor was difficult and painful, and then everything went wrong when she was born, and then soon after we learned she was going to die. We never expected or imagined anything like this happening to us in a million years... We were like so many other parents who go into the hospital ready to give birth to their son or daughter... But for some reason, we were unlike so many other parents. Our experience didn't end well. And I feel awful in saying the birth of my daughter was awful. What kind of mother says that? But I have to be honest. It was awful. It was a nightmare. But I don't want you to be mistaken. My daughter, she was not awful. And because of her, not what was happening to her or what was wrong with her, but because of her, there are positives in that day... and those are usually what I focus on. But today, I can't keep running from the complete picture that involves the pain. I need to address it. Even if it is just me typing it on my blog.

And in continuing with my trend of giving myself permission to be honest, all those past familiar, haunting thoughts of why me, why did this happen to my baby, why were we robbed of a moment that was supposed to be one of the happiest moment of our lives, why did we have to bury our baby, what makes one set of parents deserving of the blessing of a perfect, healthy baby and another set the pain of giving birth to a baby that was destined to die, and so on... are also creeping back into my life. Not to the extent that they've been there before... But they're coming to surface again. And it's a continual struggle to keep them in check.

(And I just have to say, for the first time, in many months, my tears are back, and I'm crying as I write this.)

I'm sure many of you reading this are wondering, Why do I even remember those awful moments? Why am I even writing about the pain? Doesn't it just make it all worse?

I don't know if I can explain it accurately. Like I've been saying, I need to give myself permission to be honest and real with my grief, and I need to release it. So I'm releasing my emotions in tears and my thoughts by writing these words.  Some days the healing God has given me is unbelievable, and I am in a very good, genuinely happy place, but that doesn't mean that life isn't hard, that there's no more sorrow, etc. The reality is, my baby died and that's part of who I am now; there is pain in that, and there always will be. And I know it's okay to cry and be sad. But I realized, like I've been mentioning, at some point I stopped giving myself permission to feel, to cry, to be honest, to show weakness. I think part of me did it for everyone around me. Everyone has moved on from Hailey's death... They don't want to see me hurting anymore... I don't want them to worry about me... And I don't want to always shout out how sad I am inside because frankly, people just will never care about it as much as I want or need them to... But how can I blame them... They could never possibly understand, and I can't be upset with them for moving on with their lives and not thinking of asking us how we're doing or mentioning Hailey anymore... She wasn't their baby, their daughter, and most of our friends and family never even met her...

All in all, this week is a hard week. Thursday will be a very hard day filled with tears I'm sure. The facts are this: a year ago my baby died, along with her my hopes and dreams and parts of my future and who I am died, and not a day goes by that I don't miss her and long to have her back that I don't imagine what could have been but isn't. No matter how much time passes, a year, five years, ten years, twenty-five years... those facts will always remain even as the world goes on, life continues, and people just think this is part of our past that no longer affects us... Because of all that, I will always have a hole in my heart, something I'm missing, something I'm aching for...  But thankfully, I'm not hopeless. And I know God will continue healing me, but that still doesn't change the facts. I'm a mother without a child struggling to live the life of a childless mother in a world that doesn't understand.

(And on a somewhat random side note, have any of you heard about the new movie with Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole, that's coming out soon? Ugh... It's been making little appearances in my life this week. It's a movie about parents who are dealing with the death of their child. I just get this huge sinking feeling and my heart break feels fresh every time it's brought to my attention. This is one movie I don't think I'll ever be able to go see. Why? Because I live it, and I don't need to see someone acting it out. And honestly, I hate thinking about the audience watching it. The obliviously, ignorant audience safe in their seats and in their little bubbles of their lives who will experience this acted grief as 'entertainment' and 'fiction' that they can forget about when they leave the theater when it's my painful reality that I will live with for the rest of my life...But anyway... trying not to get upset about it...)

Okay I clearly need to wrap this post up. Please, if you are a believer in Christ, be praying for my husband and I (and the rest of our family) as we remember Hailey this week and grieve. And for those of you who have already been so kind enough as to share comforting words with me already this week, thank you so much, you have no idea how much you mean to me and are helping me through this week.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15

~

Hailey Marie, My sweetie pie, I can't believe it's been almost a year since we last saw each other. I miss you to pieces. I love you more.  God knows how much I love you, and I just pray you know my love for you. I long for the day when we're reunited. Love you forever and always, Your momma

This is one of the last pictures we took of Hailey, the day before she passed away, January 5, 2010.