Sunday, July 8, 2012

Facing Deployment: What I Need My Civilian Friends and Family To Know

Our family is currently on block leave. For those of you non-military, or civilian, folk out there, you can think of block leave as a period of 30 days soldiers have to be on vacation with their families before a deployment. The second week of our block leave was spent with our families back home in Illinois. What I realized about this trip was that no one really knows what to say to a family who is about to experience a deployment. This is our family's first deployment, and coming from non-military families and non-military community, this is new to our extended families and friends as well. Nonetheless, I was still surprised that no one really knew what to say, and often because of that didn't say anything. To me it almost felt like a big elephant in the room, but that might just have been me... Still I felt there were countless moments with our families and friends in Illinois, especially as we said goodbyes, were I was longing from someone to say something to my husband or myself regarding the deployment, but no one really said anything. Usually there was the just the, "Be safe over there," which is appreciated, but leaves so much unsaid and left me desiring more.

With all that said, I believe our friends and family deeply do care about what my husband (and I) are about to experience this next year, but I realized they probably lack the knowledge and words to express and support us like we already need. That's what this post is about.

Some of you, especially you military folk, have probably seen this blog post circulating around social networks lately, and I'm about to share it as well because it is so good. I was honestly about to write a similar blog post in my head during the 8 hr drive home to TN from IL when I was pulling up my feed reader and came across this post I'm about to share that said so much more and did it so well.

Whether it's a family's first or fifth deployment, deployment is hard. It's hard on a family. It's hard on a marriage. It's something 99% of the country could never understand... But we who experience the deployment firsthand need the rest of you so we can make it through it.

So here it is... If you desire to pray for Josh, myself, and/or Isaac while Josh is deployed or want to know what difficulties we'll be facing and when and how we might need encouragement, PLEASE READ THIS. Read it as though it's written from my perspective. It doesn't cover everything, but it's a great start.

(One more thing before I get to the post... If you'd like to be praying but need extra guidance with what to pray about even after reading this post, this resource I'm about to share the link to is GREAT. I carry a copy of this with me in my Bible. It's called "Prayers for Our Military and Their Families." Consider printing it out and keeping it with you somewhere where you will be reminded to be praying.

What I Wish my Civilian Friends Knew: A Letter from a Military Wife
by Catherine Fitzgerald

Dear Civilian Friend,

The other day you said to me, “I always want to minister to you, but I don’t know how.” I know I haven’t made it easy on you to figure out the “how.” Blame it on Rosie the Riveter and her “I can do it all” attitude or perhaps Lifetime’s Army Wives and their ability to solve all the drama of military life in 60 minutes or less. Blame it on the pride that comes with this lifestyle, constantly whispering in my ear, asking for help is showing weakness. It’s not fair to you. Or me. Because you want to help and I need it. So here it is. Everything I wished you knew but I can’t seem to tell you. 

First and foremost, I need your prayers. Pray for strength and endurance during yet another separation from the love of my life. Pray for my kids because they are struggling without daddy right now. No matter how old they are, no matter how many deployments they’ve been through, every separation is hard on them. And nothing hurts a momma more than to see her kiddos hurting and knowing there is nothing I can do. Pray for my husband. Pray for his safety. Pray for his mind to be able to process the ugliness of war. Pray for our marriage, that it can endure the trials and temptations that come with every departure. Pray for our country and the leaders in charge of putting our husband and father in harm’s way. Just above all else, pray for me, friend.

You should know that I probably won’t ask for much. In fact, you should probably just adopt a “don’t ask, just tell” policy with me. I am coming to watch your kids Monday night. I am coming to mow your lawn next Tuesday. This will be much more effective with me than a blanket “Let me know if you need anything.” Like I said, blame it on Rosie the Riveter or this stubborn pride of mine, but I probably won’t ask you for the help I so desperately need. And if I do, know that it took A LOT for me to get to that point so never make me feel bad about it because I may not ask again. I know the air filter was really dirty and should have been cleaned months ago, but I’m just doing the best that I can, a day at a time.

I need you to walk with me through this deployment. How this translates in real, practical terms is different for each one of us but try and figure it out. Many days I am treading water and can feel like I am about to go under. It may be a break from the kids. Sometimes a trip to the grocery store alone can feel like a day at the spa. Come give my kids a bath and help me get them to bed and I will feel like a new woman. Carry the baby asleep in the carseat to my car and the burden will literally feel lighter. Take my trash can to the curb every Wednesday night so I don’t awake in a panic at midnight and have to run outside to do it. Invite me for dinner so the nights don’t feel so lonely. Ask me to spend the holidays with you because I am so far from my family. Drop off dinner so I don’t have to cook one night. Help fix that leaky faucet so I don’t have to figure out which plumber won’t rip me off in this town I am new in. Come clean my bathrooms because I can never get to them. Mow my yard without even asking. Change the oil in my car, something my husband usually does, so that I don’t have to lug the babies to Jiffy Lube. Watch my kids while I go to the doctor so I don’t have to pay for another babysitter. Offer to come stay the night so I can sleep soundly and not jump at every creak I hear. Just come over and chat, I missing having someone to talk to. Listen to me and you will probably figure out quickly some ways you can show me you care.

Keep encouraging me. Bear with me through this whole deployment. It is like a death. At the beginning, the offers of help and words of encouragement are plentiful, but as I near the end, weary and tired, when I need it the most, they trail off. Remind me of God’s word and His promises. I can become consumed in missing my man and I need to constantly be told that God has a purpose and plan for me in this life just as much as he has one for my husband. Help me find it because sometimes my vision gets so clouded with tears.

I know you don’t every understand everything about my life. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s taken years for me to learn this many acronyms. I want you to understand more and I don’t mind explaining. You don’t have to pity me, but I want your empathy. If you see me huddling with my fellow military wives, don’t think I don’t want to let you in. It’s just that we speak the same language and we have seen each other at the lowest points so we are bonded in an incredible way. That doesn’t mean I don’t desire to have a close bond with you too. But, they are just my default. You can offer me a perspective outside of this life. I need that.

Please know I am grateful for all your help. Though I may not write you a thank you card for each and every act, know I so appreciate it. I know I can get wrapped up in my own hardships and sometimes I forget to ask how I can pray for you. I am sorry. I know God’s comfort so I should be comforting you in your difficulties with the same comfort I have received. I need to work on that. And I need to help you with your needs as well and use the gifts and talents He has given me in ministering to you. Just because my husband is gone, doesn’t mean I can’t serve you. I know it is better to give than to receive.

We are not that different. My husband just took a job where the uncertainty of life is simply in our faces all the time. You sometimes can pretend you are in control of your life. I know I am not. God can use that as a launching pad for an incredible faith and trust in Him. Or Satan can use that to send me into a whirlwind of fear. Help me out of the spiral of anxiety if you see me spinning in it.

I’m glad I was able to tell you all the things I never did before. I hope this helps you figure out how to minister to me. I should have told you sooner, but I just didn’t know how. I need you more than ever these days as the deployments keep coming and the challenges get harder and harder with each moment. Our family can’t do this calling without you so thank you for noticing us and caring enough to show us we aren’t alone in this.

Thank you, friend.

Love,
A Military Wife

About Catherine:
Catherine Fitzgerald is the proud wife a U.S. Marine. She was a contributor to Faith Deployed…Again and wrote the group study guides for Faith Deployed and Faith Deployed…Again. She currently lives just outside of Wilmington, North Carolina. Her husband is a CH-53 Helicopter pilot and together they have two children, Grace and Asher. She currently leads a ministry called Operation: Hope Front that ministers to the needs of fellow military families in her area through her local church. Her family also serves in the college ministry, where she has found an endless supply of babysitters and lawn mowers for every deployment.

2 comments:

  1. Ok, friend. I 'fess up. I was one of those who said to Josh, "Be safe over there." I meant it very heartfelt-ly, but had no idea what to say when it came time to say good bye to him (Mark felt the same way). I did talk to Cetty a bit about it, but then wished I hadn't because I almost made her cry. (oops...). I think that this blog is helpful, but also not helpful. It doesn't help me know how to help you better when we are confronted with such distance, besides offering to be an ear you can talk to. I can't come over and mow your lawn, I can't do your groceries or baby sit Isaac or fix your faucet. I hope you don't feel I disappointed you, please know that I did the best I could to convey that we are there for you. On a separate note, a post like this is also nice because I need to know how to help YOU, which might be different from how I can help Josh, or Isaac, or Cetty...You wanted us to talk about the deployment, but I don't think Cetty did. So that is sometimes where us "outsiders" don't mention things...who do we mention it to, how do we bring it up, what do we say to give comfort, without causing pain to one for mentioning too much, and pain to another for not mentioning enough? Anyway, just another perspective. I'm SO excited to come visit you (please just let me hold Isaac the whole time, friend), and next time you post, give us Illinoisans a few ideas on how to help :) You know I would do anything I could. Care packages with paper plates and towels so you don't have to do the dishes? :-P Mark and I love you and your family, and I cherish your friendship, and I will do my best to be there for you in whatever way you want and need over the next year.
    -Ilea

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  2. I know what you mean to everything friend. And you are a great (long distance) friend and I didn't mean to offend at all. Maybe for some IL peeps it was more for an understanding / empathy thing perhaps because a lot of the practical ways to help aren't possible for you. But just the needing you all to know what we may be facing is what I needed to share if that makes sense. Anyway, your visit is the PERFECT way to help and our email conversations are perfect. You are way more clued in to me than most people that way. Maybe perhaps we can arrange some Skype dates or something too?? :) That would be fun. Love you!!!

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