She made me a better mom

Haven't written in awhile... Again just haven't found the time with the little man and other responsibilities keeping me busy. But somehow I have found 30 min to myself tonight while everyone in my house is passed out sleeping. I'm writing on my iPhone so please pardon the typos and grammatical errors ...

Hailey has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm kind of glad. I hate when I go through stages where it feels that life has forgotten all about her.

Hailey has been on my mind more lately because of Isaac. I'm starting to realize how much Hailey has impacted who I am as a mom and how that is in turn going to impact Isaac.

You see I suffer from separation anxiety with Isaac, more than normal I suppose. We are apart a few times a week and he does spend time in a nursery once or twice a week. We use babysitters when needed. I can do it, but I hate it. It's very difficult for me. I know he needs it, and I need it, and he is fine because I make sure he is left in loving hands as much as possible. But still, I would prefer to never leave him if I had my way. I tend to only trust myself and would prefer to be the only one caring for him most times because I don't think anyone will care for him out of love like I do. He deserves love and attention in my mind. And It's not just the separation issue. Well maybe it is... Giving birth naturally to him, having that precious skin to skin bonding time that just lingered with no rush following his birth, breastfeeding him for 9 months almost, being able to stay at home with him.... I'm so attached and bonded. I struggled and still do sometimes with other things like people giving him a bottle. I treasure my nursing him to bed time and have yet to leave him with someone other than his dad or grandma to give him his bath and put him to bed. I still nurse him if he wakes up in the middle of the night not just because I think he's hungry but more so now because I don't mind it. I treasure the shared intimate moment with him.

I'm also a little overprotective and over cautious with things. Like his food which I know I need to be considering his intolerances to my milk and likelihood he has food allergies as he starts to eat more food...

All of this rambling to say ... I know everyone under the sun has an opinion about everything regarding caring for a baby and I've felt pressure from various sources that how I mother / parent is wrong, etc. and I just need to say, I'm not wrong. I am mothering how I want to. Sure I do things wrong and make mistakes and learn from them like any other parent, that's not what I'm talking about...

I parent the way I do because of Hailey. Because I already had and lost one child. Because it has made me love Isaac in a way I couldn't have loved him without losing her. I treasure moments, I love him intensely, I shower affection on him, I soothe him when he cries (another thing people might say something against.)

I love him differently than I love Hailey. And if Hailey were alive I wouldn't love them the same as i love isaac now. I wouldn't love as much. I wouldn't treasure things as I do now. And more...

I wonder if other parents who have had to bury their first baby and go on to have a healthy one parent differently because of that.... I would think they'd have to.

I am the way I am because of Hailey. Whether its good or bad or a mixture of both I will figure out as I go. But for now let me be attached to my baby, let me love him and hold onto him extra tight for now. If you lost a child then maybe you'd have some sympathy or empathy and not be so quick to judge. And don't worry, I will and am having to start disciplining as needed because there is love in that... As far as everything else - let me love on my boy, let me spoil him in love, let me make him happy (and no that doesn't mean giving him everything he wants)... I can still say no. I did quite a few times today. ;)

My only struggle i confess to right now is to love Isaac as I do but not make him an idol in my life.

But really, in a way, to wrap up this late night rambling, this is one of those good things I believe has come from Hailey's life and death, she has made me a better mother, not perfect by any means, but better than I would have been without going through what I have.