(Haven't done this in a loooong time... back to back posts)
In the midst of a diaper change and removing your clean clothes from the dryer, I stop and look at you. Standing in the hallway, I peer through the doorway of your room, and my heart fills as I watch you play on the floor. You can't see me, but I watch you push your tiny body high up off the ground with your skinny little arms and lower yourself back down again. I watch your tiny hands and fingers explore the blanket and carpet and your head as you watch yourself too as you explore your world. I must have made a noise because you turn and look back at me. For a moment we lock eyes and within an instant we're both smiling at each other. You turn back to whatever it was that had your attention before you saw me. Before I go back to my business with the laundry, I continue to stand there, taking in the moment. To see you playing in your room by yourself, in your room that I was once so fearful would never be your home, in a room that once was empty but full of dreams... to see those dreams of mine fulfilled and cherish them coming true in this moment... My heart sighs... All of me smiles... My love for your pulsates through me, warms me, energizes me, makes me feel like I'm leaking joy. And I love it. I love this moment. I love all of these moments. I love you. And I'm so thankful for it all.
I love being your mom. And I'm so thankful for it.
The other day while you were fast asleep in bed for the night, I was moving about our bedroom, picking up and putting away random things from the day, and there was your sock. I never knew the sight of a little sock, out of place, "adding to the mess" in our room, would bring me such delight, would make me feel so much love. It's amazing. That little sock made me so happy. It was one of your white and navy Hanes socks. I'm so thankful to have a little boy who wears that little sock on his little foot. I'm so thankful to be his mommy, to be your mommy.
Some might tell you that your mommy is a perfectionist, and your mommy would tell you that they are probably right. To me everything has a place; I like order, I like cleanliness, I like perfection. But of course, when a child enters the picture, there isn't always order and perfection, a lot of time there's dirt and chaos, especially with little boys I hear... But I love it. I love that my once "picture perfect," clean living room now has your toys all over the place.
It's funny how writing this about such "trivial" things makes me tear up right now...
I love these things and these things bring me so much joy and make me feel so much love because they are evidence that a little boy lives in this home and is loved here. Present tense, lives... My dream come true in you.
There was a time when there was "evidence" of your sister all over our house. I didn't take as much time then to appreciate it all, but after she was gone, I missed all the dirty bottles filling the sink. I hated her mark on our world having to be put away, stored, taken out of our home. She was gone and so was most evidence of her. It emptied mommy's heart.
So when I see everything in our home that says a little boy lives here and is loved here... that makes me happier than you can ever imagine.
A dirty sock, a bib with spit up, toys all over the floor... well my little boy, they make your mommy's heart smile. Now of course, if you ever read this, do not interpret this as my saying it's okay to leave messes for mommy to clean up, it's not. But know I love you, every part of you, and everything that comes along with taking care of you.
One last thing...
Lately this week you've been wanting to cuddle a lot, and it's been amazing. You let mommy hold you in my lap as we both just sit there and relax while mommy gives you kisses on your head and you suck on your fingers. I love those quiet, peaceful, close moments. And today, for the second time this week, when you've been tired and mommy's just about to carry you upstairs for your nap and I hold you against my chest, you've rested your head on my shoulder... Little boy, there is not much better than feeling your love like that... I hope you never grow to old to let your mommy give you kisses or to give your momma hugs.
And as if I haven't said it enough, I love your smiles and laughs and when we smile and laugh together - and finally in the past week or so you're really starting to laugh. I love it.
I love you. I thank God for you every day.
(Time for me to go, you're trying to wake up early from your nap again... )
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